10 Signs You Are Being Played Vs. They Need More Time

Question: I am in 10 month relationship that started in unconventional way. Initially he seemed really into me and came on strong but after the honeymoon period everything seemed to come to a stand still. We see each other from time to time but he is not doing the things he did to show me he loved me. I’m confused. I don’t know if he’s playing me or if he’s taking his time and doesn’t want to rush anything.

I know we haven’t been together for long and I am too afraid to ask him where we stand because I don’t want to scare him away, but I also don’t want to waste my time on a relationship that is going nowhere. In your experience, are there signs that someone is playing you? Thank you.

Yangki’s Answer: Just as each person is different, each relationship is different and the time frames that apply in one relationship may not apply in another.

But with all the head game-playing on both sides (and by even supposedly grown ups who should know better), it’s sometimes hard to tell who is just following some stupid rules, who is playing you and who is taking things slowly because they want to be sure they are making the right decisions.

I’ve tried to compile my own “signs” that help me when dealing with clients situations. The only applies to someone you have been dating for six months and plus.

1. If you are never sure when you will hear from them or see them, and when you see them it is always to their convenience; you are being played.

2. If you have been together a while, they acting like the perfect partner but they intentionally avoid discussions about future plans; you are being played.

3- If every time you express your concerns about the relationship and they make promises they never keep, and the promises get more and more idealistic; you are being played.

4. If they are always saying that they don’t have time for you but they seems to have time to do everything else including go out with friends and even go on other dates; you’re being played.

5. If they act irritated or angry when you tell them you love them, show them you care about them or intimate that you want a future with them; you are being played.

6. If they seem nervous about you meeting their friends, and keep telling you that they will soon introduce you to them but it never happens. You are being played.

7. If they know you are interested in more than seeing each other for sex but make no effort to have any kind of emotional relationship or even reach out just to check up on how you are; you are being played.

8. If they come across as too good to be true or their words don’t always match their actions; you are being played.

9. If they spend more time telling you that the relationship is neither right nor going anywhere, it is always the case that they are living down to they expectations; and you are being played.

10. If your instincts are constantly telling you that you are being played or that something is wrong; you are being played.

Bottom line:  If there is positive energy and clear signs of “good-will” or loving intentions from the other person, then it’s most likely they just feel that things are moving too fast and stepping back to reset the pace and take things slow.

Stepping back and resetting the pace of a relationship that was moving too fast should feel “right” for both of you. You may not always agree on just how much to pull back or even if things were going too fast, but there has to be a kind of comfort that things are still “moving forward”; a little slower but progressively moving forward.

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
How Do I Make My Anxious-Attachment Ex Feel Safe?
Question: Yangki, my ex is everything you describe about anxiously preoccupied attacher....
Read More
Join the Conversation

31 Comments

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

    1. Women say the same thing about men… “Men love a challenge. If there’s no challenge, he’ll have no interest in you.”

      The reality though is that SOME Women love a challenge, and SOME men love a challenge. MOST women and MOST men don’t. You put too many roadblocks and they lose interest (too much work!)

      And those that love the challenge… well, they love THE CHALLENGE… and always looking for the next one.

      The problem for many men and women is that they’re looking for a relationship, but go for men and women looking for a challenge… go figure!

    1. Then you decide whether you want to pursue her knowing she’s with someone else and will probably be with him for a while, or you want to cut your loses now and go graze elsewhere.

      Let me guess… your next question will be “is it possible to get your ex when she’s with someone else?”

      I’ll save us both the time and effort…(:

      YES! Very possible. More complicated and sometimes takes much longer than situations where there is no one else in the picture. But yes, it happens a lot more than you know.

      If 1) the relationship with the other person is not serious, 2) your ex is okay with you pursing her when she’s with someone else (e.g. he/she responds positively) and 3) you have the patience and mental focus to do it. Playing second fiddle is not for everyone.

  1. says: Harpie

    I also think she’s playing a mind game. It’s second nature to her, I don’t think she even really knows what she is doing. But I’ll take your advice and ask her upfront.

  2. says: Harpie

    What about when your ex texts you when she’s with the other guy, is she thinking of me or just playing mind games? It has happened on more than 3 occasions. Usually it’s just hi, followed by a few texts asking me what I’m doing and that’s it.

    1. Could be either, but my bet is on playing games.

      Why don’t you ask her straight up why she texts you when she’s with the other guy. If it’s because she’s thinking of you, her response may be coy, but it’ll be something sweet. If she’s just playing games, she’ll get defensive and/or act up (they always do when backed into a corner).