Question: My ex and were in love and he broke it off because he fell out of love. We both cried and he said he still loved me but did not feel the same. In your work, have you really seen relationships where someone says they still love you but have fallen out of love? I’m not trying to get her back, just wanted to know if you’ve seen cases of people falling back in love after falling out of love? What are the signs that there is even a chance of that happening? I am specifically looking for some important factors that cause two people to gravitate towards each other or increase one’s chances.
Yangki’s Answer: YES, I’ve seen two people fall back in love after falling out of love. I have seen hundreds of dating and formerly married couples fall back in love a few months after a break-up and I have seen exes that fall back in love after years apart.
Each relationship is different and each couple is different. Some relationships have a better foundation and others were nothing but a series of one night stands. Some relationships have nothing except assumptions, neediness and stress, and others were great relationships that ended because two people failed to grow the relationship, fell into a routine or just took each other for granted.
Just as there are many reasons why two people who love each other fall out of love, there are also many factors at play that lead to exes being drawn back to each other and falling in love again. Here are just 10 of the common ones.
1. How long you were in a relationship
People who’ve been in a relationship for a longer period of time tend to stand a better chance because of the bond created over time.
2. How serious your relationship was
If you have both introduced each other to your closest friends/family and if their reaction was positive, the encouragement (or pressure) from your social support networks often works to your advantage. The opposite is also true.
3. Why you broke up
This one is a big one. Some reasons for a break-up are easily reconcilable and others are deal breakers. The deal breakers often include: no feelings of attraction, feeling that the relationship is wrong or that the other is not the right person, conflict in life styles and goals etc.
4. How you broke up
People who consider their break up mutual or amiable are more likely to keep in touch than where a break up was nasty. They are also more likely to remember and reminisce on the positive things about the relationship, what could have been done better etc. This may lead to wanting to try and see if they can do it better.
5. What changes each has made since breaking up
Unless an ex believes the relationship will be different/better than what they walked away from, they see no point in getting back together.
6. Whether or not one (or both of you) is seeing/dating someone else
If your ex is with someone else, they may not be in a hurry to get back together because they want to see if the other relationship offers more. A lot depends on whether the relationship is serious or is a rebound and more importantly, if you can show your ex that what you offer is better.
7. Where they place a relationship in the list of their priorities
After a break-up most people tend to pour all their time and energy onto something else e.g. personal development, spiritual pursuits, career, hobby, social networking etc. These can become attractive alternatives and will require more effort and resourceful on your part to be able to inject yourself into your ex’s “new life”.
8. What you’ve tried to do to get your ex back
Some things people do to try to get their ex back actually make it impossible to get an ex back. They either confirm what the ex does not want about you or brings out the worst in you that your ex did not even know existed.
Men and woman in long distance relationships may face additional relationship uncertainty which may influence the desire to try again or thwart attempts to make it work. On the other hand, distance if used correctly is a positive ingredient for ‘starting a fresh”.
10. Ability to handle uncertainty
Vague statements, conflicting signals and shifting positions often get many people so stressed out that they start acting in counter-productive ways. Men and women who are better able to detect (sometimes it’s just your gut instinct), the inconsistent or contradicting information or signals from an ex and use that to elicit cooperation have a better chance of turning things around.
These are just the common factors that influence the chances of gravitating towards each other. Like I said, each relationship is different and each couple is different. With a little careful planning, a good strategy, patience and consistency, most situations can be turned around.
Bottom line, don’t lose hope and give up if you haven’t given love a real chance.