10 Factors That Influence Getting Back Together With Your Ex

Question: My ex and were in love and he broke it off because of he fell out of love due to the relationship being long distance. We both cried and he said he still loved me but did not feel the same being so part for long periods of time. In your work, have you really seen relationships where someone says they still love you but have fallen out of love? I’m not trying to get her back, just wanted to know if you’ve seen cases of people falling back in love after falling out of love? What are the signs that there is even a chance of that an ex will come back? What factors influence those chances? I am specifically looking for some important factors like distance if it plays a role.

Yangki’s Answer: YES, I’ve seen two people fall back in love after falling out of love. I have seen hundreds of dating and formerly married couples fall back in love a few months after a break-up and I have seen exes that fall back in love after years apart.

Each relationship is different and each couple is different. Some relationships have a better foundation and others were nothing but a series of one night stands. Some relationships have nothing except assumptions, neediness and stress, and others were great relationships that ended because two people failed to grow the relationship, fell into a routine or just took each other for granted.

Just as there are many reasons why two people who love each other fall out of love, there are also many factors that influence whether or not you will get back together with your ex.

Here are just 10 of the common factors that influence your chances of getting back together.

1.  How long you were in a relationship

People who’ve been in a relationship for a longer period of time tend to stand a better chance because of the bond created over time.

2. How serious your relationship was

If you have both introduced each other to your closest friends/family and if their reaction was positive, the encouragement (or pressure) from your social support networks often works to your advantage. The opposite is also true.

3.  Why you broke up

This one is a big one. Some reasons for a break-up are easily reconcilable and others are deal breakers. The deal breakers often include: no feelings of attraction, feeling that the relationship is wrong or that the other is not the right person, conflict in life styles and goals etc.

4. How you broke up

People who consider their break up mutual or amiable are more likely to keep in touch than where a break up was nasty. They are also more likely to remember and reminisce on the positive things about the relationship, what could have been done better etc. This may lead to wanting to try and see if they can do it better.

5.  What changes each has made since breaking up

Unless an ex believes the relationship will be different/better than what they walked away from, they see no point in getting back together.

6. Whether or not one (or both of you) is seeing/dating someone else

If your ex is with someone else, they may not be in a hurry to get back together because they want to see if the other relationship offers more. A lot depends on whether the relationship is serious or is a rebound and more importantly, if you can show your ex that what you offer is better.

7. Where they place a relationship in the list of their priorities

After a break-up most people tend to pour all their time and energy onto something else e.g. personal development, spiritual pursuits, career, hobby, social networking etc. These can become attractive alternatives and will require more effort and resourceful on your part to be able to inject yourself into your ex’s “new life”.

8. What you’ve tried to do to get your ex back

Some things people do to try to get their ex back actually make it impossible to get an ex back. They either confirm what the ex does not want about you or brings out the worst in you that your ex did not even know existed.

9. Geography/proximity

Men and woman in long distance relationships may face additional relationship uncertainty which may influence the desire to try again or thwart attempts to make it work. On the other hand, distance if used correctly is a positive ingredient for ‘starting a fresh”.

10. Ability to handle uncertainty

Vague statements, conflicting signals and shifting positions often get many people so stressed out that they start acting in counter-productive ways. Men and women who are better able to detect (sometimes it’s just your gut instinct), the inconsistent or contradicting information or signals from an ex and use that to elicit cooperation have a better chance of turning things around.

These are just the common factors that influence the chances of gravitating towards each other. Like I said, each relationship is different and each couple is different. With a little careful planning, a good strategy, patience and consistency, most situations can be turned around.

Bottom line, don’t lose hope and give up if you haven’t given love a real chance.

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  1. says: LAVENA

    Yangki, just wanted to let you know that my ex and I are back together. We have been back together for a month and things couldn’t be better. Your coaching helped me realize what I needed to change and I can truly say I’m different now. I used to be so worried and anxious all the time. I’m more relaxed, don’t overreact and have learned to live in the moment. I am much more independent and not needy. Our communication is so much better and more open. Of course there is no such a thing as a perfect relationship but this time is close. So thank you!

    1. It’s always heart-warming to read stories like yours, and I accept the thanks. But as they say, any advice is only as good as the person using it. You made it happen for you.

      And you’re right, there is no such a thing as a perfect relationship, but there are relationships that are close to perfect.

      I am happy for you! All the VERY best.