10 Factors That Affect The Chances Of Getting Back Together

Question: My question is simple, what are some of the indicators that can tell the chances of getting back together with an ex? We were deeply in love but he broke it off last week because of distance. We both cried, he said he still loved me but did not feel the same being so part for long periods of time. In your work, have you really seen relationships where someone says they still love you but have fallen out of love?  I still love him and want to know if you’ve seen cases of people falling back in love after falling out of love? What are the signs that there is even a chance getting him back? What factors influence those chances? I am specifically looking for some important factors like distance if it plays a role.

Yangki’s Answer: YES, I’ve seen two people fall back in love after falling out of love. I have seen hundreds of dating and formerly married couples fall back in love a few months after a break-up; and I have seen exes that fall back in love after years apart.

Each relationship is different and each couple is different. Some relationships have a better foundation and others were a series of one night stands. Other relationships have nothing except assumptions, neediness and stress; and others were great relationships that ended because two people failed to grow the relationship. Some people slowly gravitate back towards each other and others fall right back where they left it off.

Just as there are many reasons why two people who love each other fall out of love, there are also many factors that influence the chances of getting back together with your ex.

Here are just 10 of the common factors that influence your chances of getting back together with your ex.

1.  How long you were in a relationship

People who’ve been in a relationship for a longer period of time tend to stand a better chance because of the bond created over time.

2. How serious your relationship was

If you have both introduced each other to your closest friends/family and if their reaction was positive, the encouragement (or pressure) from your social support networks often works to your advantage. The opposite is also true.

3.  Why you broke up

This one influence the chances of getting back together with your ex the most. Some reasons for a break-up are easily reconcilable and others are deal breakers. The deal breakers often include: no feelings of attraction, feeling that the relationship is wrong or that the other is not the right person, conflict in life styles and goals etc.

4. How you broke up

People who consider their break up mutual or amiable are more likely to keep in touch; than where a break up was nasty. They are also more likely to remember and reminisce on the positive things about the relationship. This may lead to wanting to try and see if they can do it better.

5.  What changes each has made since breaking up

Next t why you broke up; your chances of getting back together with your ex depend on if your ex believes the relationship will be different/better than what they walked away from, they see no point in getting back together.

6. Whether or not one (or both of you) is seeing/dating someone else

If your ex is with someone else, they may not be in a hurry to get back together because they want to see if the other relationship offers more. A lot depends on whether the relationship is serious or is a rebound and more importantly, if you can show your ex that what you offer is better.

7. Where they place a relationship in the list of their priorities

After a break-up most people tend to pour all their time and energy onto something other than an ex; For example, personal development, spiritual pursuits, career, hobby, social networking etc. These can become attractive alternatives and will require more effort and resourceful on your part to be able to inject yourself into your ex’s “new life”.

8. What you’ve tried to do to get your ex back

Some things people do to try to get their ex back actually make it impossible to get an ex back. They either confirm what the ex does not want about you or brings out the worst in you that your ex did not even know existed.

9. Geography/proximity

Couple in long distance relationships may face additional relationship uncertainty; which may influence the the chances of getting back together with your ex. On the other hand, distance if used correctly help ignite attraction and ‘starting a fresh”; on the other hand, it hinders it.

10. Ability to handle uncertainty

Vague statements, conflicting signals and shifting positions often get many people so stressed out. They start acting in counter-productive ways. Men and women who are better able to detect (sometimes it’s a gut instinct), the inconsistent or contradicting information or signals from an ex; and use that to elicit cooperation have a better chance of turning things around.

These are just the common factors that influence the chances of gravitating towards each other. Like I said, each relationship is different and each couple is different. With a little careful planning, a good strategy, patience and consistency, most situations can be turned around.

Bottom line, don’t lose hope and give up if you haven’t given love a real chance.


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  1. says: LAVENA

    Yangki, just wanted to let you know that my ex and I are back together. We have been back together for a month and things couldn’t be better. Your coaching helped me realize what I needed to change and I can truly say I’m different now. I used to be so worried and anxious all the time. I’m more relaxed, don’t overreact and have learned to live in the moment. I am much more independent and not needy. Our communication is so much better and more open. Of course there is no such a thing as a perfect relationship but this time is close. So thank you!

    1. It’s always heart-warming to read stories like yours, and I accept the thanks. But as they say, any advice is only as good as the person using it. You made it happen for you.

      And you’re right, there is no such a thing as a perfect relationship, but there are relationships that are close to perfect.

      I am happy for you! All the VERY best.

  2. says: Daniel

    I strongly believe that anyone not interested in mind games and manipulation and anyone looking to build a healthy relationship, should be reading this site.

    You are the only person whose advice I have read and feel truly cares about the people you are helping. Most so called relationship gurus and authors of get your ex back books are only interested in power and making themselves look all knowing and important. I’m especially talking about those advocating “no contact” and demand that one strictly adheres to their rules and program or else they will suffer dire consequences. They remind me of my control-freak dad.

    I like that you explain what can happen and let someone decide if they want to take your advice or not. You are a true teacher.

  3. says: Lil L

    My ex of more than 5 years texted me and wants to see me. We have been broken up for more than 2 years, and had minimal contact over the years. We both have been dating other people but my relationship ended 3 months ago. I’m not sure whether seeing him is a good thing or not. I still have feelings for him, I don’t know if he has feelings for me or even if he is still with his girlfriend. Any advice would really help. Thank you.

    1. If he is a good guy when you dated (not abusive etc) and you still have feelings for him and feel strong enough (emotionally) to meet him, then meet him and see what it’s all about. If he shows interest but is still with his girlfriend, remind him of that fact… but leave the door open for when he is single again.

  4. says: Trina

    Yangki, you site is a Godsend. I am a 38 yo woman who has had bad lack with men until I met my ex. We dated for 11 months and I thought we were close. At the breakup he told me he didn’t think he knew me/I knew him. Reading your articles I realize that we moved too first. We moved in a month after we met, three months in we started having problems. We broke up 2 times because he felt I was pushing him. This last break was 5 weeks ago. We still care for each other and have agreed for now to be friends and see where it goes. You could say I am dating my ex 🙂

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Yes. You are dating your ex… 😉

      Take it slow this time. It’s better to build a relationship than try to get into one.

      If it helps, I am sending you love-energy re-enforcement.

  5. says: Mosaic_girl

    It’s good to know there is HOPE. I haven’t taken everyone’s advice to stop talking to him and we get coffee together every now and then. We have not talked about the breakup except for one time and it didn’t go well. The rest of the time we get along so well that sometimes it feels like before the breakup. I just don’t know if the damage that has been done can be repaired.

    1. Most damages can be repaired if both of you are willing to be honest about everything. The fact that you didn’t stop talking to each other and still get along so well is a good sign. Very good sign.

      If talking about the breakup brings up unwanted emotions, it’s probably too early to be talking about it. Time will come when you can talk about it without the unwanted emotions.

      For now, focus on creating better memories so that the old relationship fades into the background, and the new one takes shape.

    1. Basically what he is saying is that if he doesn’t find someone “better”, then he’ll come back to you. My question to you is, are you okay with this arrangement?

      It works for some people in that after dating for a while he realizes what he had with you is better than what is out there. It doesn’t work for others, after a while the chemistry fades or he meets someone else and wants to pursue that relationship instead. What’s most important is NOT what he wants but what YOU want and can live with.

  6. says: Spudgreg

    Yangki I need your help. My ex left me after an arguement about virtually nothing. We have been together for 5 years I was even planning to propose to this women on her birthday this year.

  7. says: GIRob

    How do I sign up for a coaching session with you? I have messed up big time and in dire need of guidance. The sooner the better.

  8. says: Meisa

    Thank you, this is very helpful. My score is 6 out of 10 and I believe I have a good shot. I am going to buy both of your books and see what happens. Wish me luck!

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      6 out 10 is good. What’s even better is your attitude. Someone once said: If you think you can’t, you can’t. If you think you can, you can.

      All the luck!

  9. says: Iris

    I jumped to conclusions and did not give him time to talk. I just said if u r so unhappy being with me then we should not be together. I never expected him to say if that’s what you want I will leave you alone. He has totally shut me off. I tried all ways to talk to him, he just ignores me. I am really at loss.

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      Stop trying to make him talk to you. It’s you thinking that you can just switch him on and off that is making him more resistant. Try sending him a simple and very brief text telling him you realize you made a mistake not giving him time to explain himself. Say you’d like at some point to be able to explain yourself in person but only when he feels ready. Then step back and let him decide what he wants to do.

      1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

        In my experience as a coach, anything from 0 – 6 months is relatively a short period of time. But it’s not just the number of months, it’s also how well you know each other/your lives merged and the depth of the bond established.

        Relationships that move too quickly make two people feel they are closer than they really are. Most find just how close they were when the relationship ends.

        See: A Break-Up Vs. A Bad Start

  10. says: Rayley

    Yangki, your articles have changed my relationship and changed my life. I have also introduced my friends to your site and we’re always excited to talk about your ideas and insights. My only concern is that some topics have more articles than others. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your work and think that you have a unique, realistic and positive approach to love relationships unlike any other on the internet. I guess I am asking how readers can request more on certain topics.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      Appreciate? REALLY? Then why are criticizing me and asking for more. People! (*Kidding!*)… 🙂

      I appreciate you being true to your thoughts and feelings, and voicing your concern. I am sure there are many other readers who want to see more on certain topics but are not sure how to ask, or if it’s even okay to ask.

      My articles are reader-driven, meaning, I look to clicks and “likes” to tell me what kind of information my readers are looking for.

      I also take note of the kind of questions people are asking both in the comments and during coaching, and try to answer those questions and concerns through articles.

      If there are topics you and your friends would like more of, let me know through clicks and likes. I’ll try my best to respond with more articles.

  11. says: Ty

    This article is great and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. For me the key thing is being aware of my role in the breakup and not making the same mistakes.

    1. I think you are on the right track. Good insight into what and why things fell apart is very important. But trying not to make the same mistakes is just one part of the equation. The most important part is showing your ex that you bring something better to the relationship; something that will build and create a better partnership.

      At the end of the day, that’s what makes that difference between “I don’t think this will work” and “May be this relationship has a chance”.

  12. says: Jeff

    I came across your site doing a google search and let me say this…… wow! I’m blown away by so much good advice, different from everything else I’ve read about getting back your ex. I keep coming back several times a day. Bravo! Keep up the good work.

  13. says: Kay C.

    Yangki, I can’t thank you enough for your advice. I’m hoping that my story will have the same ending as many others here who got back their ex. I will keep reading and applying what you advice.

  14. says: Monae

    I don’t yet have a success story but we met up last week. We had a great time. He admitted he misses me but right now wants to focus on himself. We are going to a show next week.

  15. says: Blunt

    First of all I should say that I love your blog and find a lot of your posts to be what precisely I’m looking for. I’ve recently started contact with my ex and I can definitely say it feels a little bit different this time. The key for me has been understanding that communication is number one and fixing what drove us apart in the first place.

  16. says: Rigo

    AaronT, my ex and i reconciled after 13 months of me trying to get her back. It takes work and you both have to want to reconcile. If your ex is not at that point yet, don’t force it.

  17. says: AaronT

    It’s good to hear success stories of people who got back their ex. I’m still fighting for my relationship and hope that we will get back together. One thing I’ve noticed is that you don’t put a time limit on things. Your ex could come back today or he or she could come back 2 years later.

    1. I agree that you shouldn’t put a time limit on when you will get back together. But I also don’t think that time alone will get you back together. If you notice, the people that say they got their ex back worked at it. They had some left over feelings of love to build on and they did the “right” things that got back their ex.

  18. says: Aisha

    We’re officially back together after 7 months apart. We’re still learning how to talk about everything that happened and what caused our problems. I can honestly say we’re so much happier and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Everyone else, don’t stop trying!

  19. says: Daleah

    Making positive changes is not easy but this site gave me the strength to stay focused. At first he wanted to be just friends but now saying that there is enough love still left for the 2 of us to build something for the future on. I think that it’s great that he sees possibility for a future but I don’t want to hope too much. Should I take this as a positive sign?

  20. says: VerySad

    I was wondering if in a situation where the family disapproved of the bf/gf before even meeting them contributed as a factor to the break-up, is there still a chance for getting back together with them? Since you mentioned above that introducing each other to family showed how serious the relationship is.

    1. There is a chance if the person whose family disapproves is confident that you have wonderful qualities that if his/her family got to know you well, they’ll come to love you, he/she may get back together with you to try to give both his/her family and you a chance to get to know each other before making a final decision.

      A lot depends on if the person feels you’re “the one”, if he/she was happy in the relationship to begin with and how you handled/are handling the post break up.

  21. says: yogagirl

    I feel sad for how I messed up my relationship. I didn’t give a care about his heart. Now the table has turned, I want him but he no longer wants me.The most painful part is that he left with an impression of me as a cold and heartless person. How do I go about changing his impression of me?

  22. says: Antoine

    Yangki, a quick success story to share with your readers. My ex came back after 6 months of trying to get her back. I can’t say for sure that one thing worked because I tried so many things. What I can say for sure is that being honest and open with her about my feelings changed everything. Within just over a month of open emotional connection her attitude towards me changed which hardly seemed possible before. I focused on creative ideas on how to create positive feelings and things changed for the better. But best of all, I was relaxed which also made her feel relaxed.

    What I want to say to everyone is- don’t give up. Getting back your ex is a hard process but is more than doable.

    1. In my article “Is It Too Soon To Ask Your Ex To Get Back Together?” I wrote:

      “The right time to talk about the future of the relationship is not determined by the number of dates/months. It’s determined by the groundwork you’ve laid for that kind of conversation to take place –and for the outcome to be a positive one.

      Too soon, when you haven’t done all the things you need to do to show him/her that the relationship will be better this time round will get you a “not now” or straight “no” response.

      In my experience, once you get “no” more than once. It becomes harder and harder to get a “yes”. So make sure before you talk about where things are going that your chances look good”.

  23. says: Jordan

    Yangki, I find myself many times coming back to your blog again and again. In fact your blog is one of the few I come back to because your advice makes more sense and because the topics covered obviously make it worthwhile coming back for more. Unlike many other blogs there are no off-putting comments. Every comment adds a decent amount of value. I thank you for your efforts keeping things very organized. It reflects the value you place on those who seek your advice.

    1. It depends on what they mean by “connection”.

      If by connection they mean they do not “love” you anymore, there is nothing you can do to make someone who does not love you love you. It’s just one of those things in life.

      If they mean they do not “feel in love” with you, that is something else. Feelings are just that… feelings. They can be strong. They can be weak. They can die out. And they can be brought back.

      It’s up to you to 1) dig deep into why he/she does not “feel in love” anymore, 2) do what you can do bring those feelings back, and 3) make those feelings even stronger than before.

    1. @Ali…I still offer email support in addition to phone coaching. I just don’t do it all by itself because it takes too much time to accomplish so little. To be of better help I need as much background information as possible, and by email that sometimes means 4 – 10 pages. I’d have to spend all my day just reading and responding to emails.

  24. says: Blaze

    Yangki, based on these 10 signs, I seem to definitely have a good chance getting my ex back. I bought the 1st edition of your Dating Ex book and wondering if the 2nd edition has more on not being needy and clingy. I definitely put a lot of pressure on her in the relationship and she let me go. We maintained contact after the breakup and she’s said on several occasions that still she loves me but I need to give a her a little more breathing space. That’s when I bought your book and it helped tremendously. Things have been getting better but once in a while she says I’m suffocating her again. I know I need to learn to be less needy and wondering if it’s worth buying the 2nd edition of you book?

    1. I’m very happy for you, and glad that somehow I was of some help.

      I can’t decide for you whether to invest in the 2nd edition or not. But I can tell you what’s in the 2nd edition, and you decide whether it’s worth investing in, or not.

      1. Neediness and clinginess is a theme that runs throughout the book, from contact to being a couple again.

      2. There is a specific section dealing exclusively with “Needy Contact” (pages 137 – 143).

      3. On page 141, I list signs which show that you have crossed over to acting needy and clingy. Knowing when you are about to cross over to acting needy and clingy helps you stay on the not needy or not forced contact side.

      As discussed in the book, most of the time, neediness or “pressure” comes not from you contacting your ex, but why and when you contact your ex. If you stick to the “why contact” and “when to make contact” discussed in the book, you will pretty much stay on the not pressure side.

      For the stage at which you are in, you might also want to check out pages 323-347 for the 7 signs that tell you are making progress, and what more you can do to move things along faster.

  25. says: Donna

    Yangki, my ex broke up with me over six months ago because he said I was needy and clingy. I worked hard to fill my life with things I love and I’m very busy most of the time. We started chatting again a month and half ago and things were great in the beginning, but for the last couple of weeks he’s been telling me he feels “pressure” from me. Here’s what is funny. I barely contact him, twice or three times a week, may be. He says he loves me and wants a future with me, but he can’t because he feels that he can’t make me happy. What can I do to not to make him feel pressured? We’re both 39.

  26. says: Jean-etta

    Yangki, I also believe that sometimes a relationship does not work out for any reason at all. My ex and I were together for 4 years. We never had a single fight, spent a lot of time together and we were genuinely happy. Then one day he drops in on me says he wants out. I asked him why and he said he didn’t know, only that he didn’t want to continue with the relationship. To this day, I have no idea why the relationship ended, and he said he doesn’t know either. I’m still heartbroken, but I have accepted my fate and trying to move on.

  27. says: Toby

    Getting back together with the ex is a terrible idea. My brother remarried his ex, it didn’t work out. Recently a very close friend of mine also got back with his ex and that didn’t work out either.

    1. You’re absolutely right. It doesn’t always work out. BUT who is to say that if your brother had married someone new, it still wouldn’t have ended with a divorce; or that your friend would have stayed with someone new longer than he stayed with his ex?

      Sometimes things don’t work out because it’s your ex, they just don’t work out, period. C’est la vie.

  28. says: Soulgate

    I still have strong feelings for my ex and would love to get back with him if the opportunity ever arises. One of the biggest problems is that we live in different countries. He says he will make time to come and see me in September. I’ve been putting work on changing myself which he has commented on. But I don’t know how to go about telling him I want him back. I don’t want to scare him away.

    1. Why don’t you continue with whatever it is you are doing because it seems to be working, wait until September when he comes to visit, see how things go and make your move from there.

      Worrying too much about the far future creates anxiety and may cause you to do something that might actually scare him away — before you have have the chance to show him all the work you’ve put into changing for the better.

  29. says: LadyDiva

    My ex and I have sort of gotten back together but nothing has changed. All the reasons why we broke are still there. It’s making me depressed. I still feel like there can be something between us, but I don’t know how to make it work. All the changes I made over the last 2 months seem to be a waste of time. He also started dating a woman he says he has no feelings for but he still texts her. This was one of our reasons for breaking up.

    1. First of all, any positive change made in your life is never a waste of time. Secondly, changing alone is NOT going to make a relationship work. There is a lot more that goes into making things work.

      How you approach getting back together makes a LOT of difference. If it’s just, “well, we still have feelings for each other… let’s do it”, it’s not going to work. You have to BUILD a relationship, not throw one together.

      The fact that you say “sort of gotten back” says, you did not BUILD a relationship, you just got back into one. It takes time to test the changes you’ve both made to see if there is a fit and to re-adjust in some places to make it fit. That’s the approach you should be taking.

    1. No. But It helps a lot if you already have the eBook.

      1) Most of the questions people ask me are already covered in the eBook. If you have the eBook, you can use the session to focus on other things, and get a lot more out of our phone chat.

      2) Although reading many of my blog articles gives you a better idea of my philosophy and approach, the eBook ties in everything. You come to the session much more prepared and we actually achieve a lot more because we are of the same mind on how to move forward and what needs to be done in your particular situation.

  30. says: Emmet

    I still love my ex and you could say I’m still not completely over her. But do I want her back? Absolutely NOT. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with her again. I’d gladly be the one to give her hand in marriage to someone else, and honestly wish them well.

    1. Please do not use my words, word by word. The above is just to give you the overall idea of how to communicate the changes you are making without coming across as “selling change”. Make it more real, naturally you and let it just happen without stressing over how you are going to do it. If you don’t do it right the first time, don’t sweat it, there will be another time.

  31. says: Lisa H.

    Yangki, I agree with you that it can really work with an ex again if two people work at their relationship. But it takes two to want to be in a relationship and not just one partner.

    1. You are right in that both people have to want to work on the relationship. But sometimes, it might be that one person has doubts or has lost hope that the relationship can work. The person who still believes that the relationship can work can try to INSPIRE or help the one who has lost hope see that there is still hope. This usually requires making some personal changes and taking certain actions that paint a better vision for the future of the relationship.

  32. says: Odette

    Yangki, you are completely right, nothing will ever change until I change. My ex will never wake up one day and decide I am the most wonderful woman he has ever met. He has taken this relationship for a test-drive and decided he will not seal the deal until some things are fixed – and that’s what I’m working on.

  33. says: Kel

    My ex and I are on friendly terms. We text, call each other and occasionally flirt with each other. Things are a lot more relaxed now that we have taken out all expectations of each other out of the equation. I’m worried though that this will end up just a friendship and nothing more. I do want him back and just don’t know what else to do. Does your eBook have advice on what to do in such a situation?

    1. 1. Pg. 215 “Starting As Friends”.

      2. There is a strong possibility that you could end up just friends, that’s why it’s important that you don’t just go along with whatever he wants because you don’t want to rock the boat/drive him away. You have to skillfully negotiate your wants and needs as well. I recommend reading “When You Want Different Things” (Pg. 180) and even far back.

      3. But more importantly, don’t let worry take your focus off what is important, and that is, a better relationship this time round.

  34. says: Marcella

    It’s SO true about all the sites with negative comments telling others to move on and forget about their ex. I always jump in and tell them, if you want to try to get your ex back, do it. I was told it would never work between my ex and I, but it did. We have been back together for a little over a year and we’re happier than ever.

  35. says: Lucy

    I’m so glad I found this site. Almost all sites about exes are negative and one-sided against getting your ex back. My ex and I broke up amicably. For 3 months we each dated other people but realized that what we had was truly special. One day he called me and asked me out and we talked for over 8 hours. We are giving each other another chance because we really love and care about each other.

    Things can work out but you have to come at it like the adults that you thought you were the first time. You have to be honest and actually make an effort to communicate this time round.

    1. Lucy, thank you for sharing your positive story. I’m happy things are working out for you…(:

      I hope others take your advice on being honest and actually making an effort to communicate. In a conflict situation, choosing honesty and cooperation might seem like a losing position, but it isn’t. Genuine intent and action to make it work does pay off.

  36. says: Abby&Dan

    It was the most difficult ending of a relationship in my life. Almost everything I trusted in and believed in was abruptly taken away. I hit rock bottom and almost lost myself. It took me the better part of a year to get to a place where I’m once again happy with myself and my life. I spent a lot of time here before picking up the courage to contact my ex. He seemed surprised and happy to hear from me. We took things slowly and a few days ago decided we want to try a relationship again. You’re articles and comments really helped a lot and I just wanted to say thank you. This would not have been possible without your advice.

  37. says: Heather B

    I initiated contact after 2 months of no communication between us. We started texting again and yesterday was the first time we spoke on phone. He said he was sorry for what happened and he still loved me but trying to get his life together. I told him I’d like to stay in contact and he said he’d love that too. I still love him. I want him in my life. But I’m so confused. What if I’m setting myself up for another heartbreak? What if months from now he is still trying to get his life together? What if he meets someone else?

    1. Too many “what ifs”… the curse of the over analytical brain… 🙂

      It’s possible that all those things will happen, but it is also possible that he could very well come back tomorrow or the next day. You can’t know anything for sure.

      If you feel you have healed well enough to keep in contact, then do so. The important thing is not to have any expectations or put a timeline on when it has to happen. Learn to move with the flow of things as they are now and let the future take care of the rest. If that means that you date other people and explore other possibilities, so be it. It’s not like you are cheating or something.

      Don’t let “what ifs”… scare you from something that could well prove to be the best move you ever made.

  38. says: dolphin333

    Thank you for writing this article! I think part of the problem with positive thinking advice is that it is focused on trying to force thoughts rather than finding acceptance in where you are at the moment. I call myself a “realist”, I accept things that I can’t change and live for what I can do and change. I don’t dwell on “what if” and just live with “what it is”. It works!

  39. says: Carolee

    Yangki, I want register for you break-up recovery course but not sure if I can work on healing and recovery and at the same time try to get my ex back. Our break-up was amicable and we’ve maintained reasonable contact. I don’t want to use no contact while I work on myself, it may be too late and he has already moved on.

    1. If you don’t want to use “no contact”, then listen and trust your gut instinct.

      This is what makes Dating Your Ex unique and different. Most people will tell you that you need at least 3 months of “no contact” to work on yourself before you can re-introduce yourself to your ex.

      I’ve worked with hundreds of men and women over the years and have proof that you can do both. In fact, you’ll be in a much better position to get your ex back because you will be able to calmly pursue your goal through delays and setbacks, and show your ex that you are still in love with him or her, but are okay and will be okay even without him/her!

      What I’m saying is that, you can take the break-up recovery program while at the same time maintaining contact with your ex, and building trust, sense of fun and interest.

      You may need Dating Your Ex eBook to learn how to maintain pressure-free contact while you work on yourself.

  40. says: Katherine

    You’re absolutely correct about not relying on others to tell you whether to get back with an ex or not. I’ve been considering reconciliation with my ex despite everyone telling me to move on. He and I talk and he is a changed person from two years ago. He’s completely turned his life around. I have done the same and we both feel that we can make the relationship work.

  41. says: Meg

    I was with my ex for almost 10 months when he told me he didn’t know if he loved me or not.. that led to us breaking up. We were sort of on and off after that for a little while before I called it quits. I was hurt and wanted some space. Two months later, he told me he’s trying to change and that he thinks he does love me.. should I give him a second chance?

  42. says: Confused&broken

    My fiance broke things off a month ago after 7 years. We were having more arguments leading up. He said he met someone 5 days before he ended it with me. He calls me & texts me daily. He said hes not sure why or what will happen. Meanwhile Im an emotional wreck. Doing & saying all the wrong things. we are in our early 50’s. I dont know what to do. I cant get over him.

  43. says: LINK3SYS

    When I was younger every breakup ended with cutting off all contact and never talking to that person again. As I matured, I got better at handling breakups. My last two breakup were actually amicable. My ex before this one still sends me birthday cards and vice versa. My most recent break-up happened two months ago and she and I still text and talk regularly. Most recently we’ve started talking about getting back together but we’re both not ready. I think it’ll happen eventually.

  44. says: Sarah

    Yangki, I love my ex and want him back so bad. I pray everyday that he comes back to me and keep a positive attitude about it. I really believe that love conquers all and have seen people who have been apart for a long time get back together. I have read The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale and Everyday Positive Thinking by Louise Hay. Can you recommend other similar books. I appreciate any advice you can give. Thank you in advance.

    1. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend any “positive thinking” books because I don’t read them. “The glass is half-full” philosophy of most “positive thinking” books and advice doesn’t work for me. I’m more of a realist. I see the glass as BOTH half-full AND half-empty — and directly deal with the reality of the “half-empty” part of the glass.

      Wanting your ex back and being able to get back your ex are two completely different things. You can want your ex back but if the relationship is damaged beyond repair, no amount of (positive thinking) “wanting” will bring back your ex. Also you can want your ex back but not be able to get them back if all you are offering is the very same relationship they rejected.

      If there is still something left to salvage, then (in addition to prayer and a positive attitude) show your ex that it is possible for things to be different and better. Your ex needs to feel there has been a profound shift in your thinking and behaviour for him to envision a new improved relationship. It can be done!

  45. says: Jay

    Yangki, I’ve bought quite many systems and nothing so far has worked. She is still angry about past events. I was wondering if your system works if you initially was in no contact for 6 weeks but she was against it, wanted to work things out, and when you contacted her she was angry that you refused to work things out. Now she’s the one that doesn’t want to work on the relationship. Would your system work in this situation?

    1. I’ll start by saying, Dating Your Ex eBook is NOT a “system” or “program”. Dating Your Ex is LESSONS FOR LOVE and SECOND CHANCES. If what you’re looking for is a “system” or “program”, this is NOT the eBook for you. That’s the honest truth.

      As mentioned on the website, this eBook is for men and women who are not just looking to “get their ex back”, but want a relationship that is 1) better than what they had and 2) will last beyond mere contact, dates and sex for a few weeks or months.

      To answer your question, YES. It works best if you maintained contact with your ex simply because you will not be starting from zero (contact). Because there is already some kind of connection or flow of communication, things tend to move much more smoothly and faster.

      But because some people initially cut off all contact (for all kind of reasons), I cover in the eBook how to initiate that first contact. What scenarios are likely e.g. ex doesn’t respond, responds with anger or says there is someone else.

      Hopefully that answers your question.

  46. says: Nikki

    Its been about 3 weeks that i broke up with my boyfriend. He has a new gf. He still talks to me but it is starting to be less and less. He promises me how he’s coming back to me he just needs to do some things.. Our break up was mutual. about a week ago he still called me his queen. Im not sure what to think or do. Should i move on or not talk to him?.. we were together for a little bit more than a year. I feel like he just forgot everything we went through.. is there anyway to get him back?

    1. Should you move on or not talk to him?

      That’s up to you. I don’t make decisions for others that they should be making for themselves. I don’t think that is empowering anyone.

      Is there anyway to get your ex back?

      1) Yes and no, depending on your circumstances. Please read the list in the article.

      2) There is no one guaranteed way to get your ex back, but there are things you can do to increase your chances of getting him back. Many of them are what this site is about. My eBook, Dating Your Ex is also about making sure you’re not only just avoiding making mistakes but inspiring your ex to want to come back.

  47. says: Brody

    The woman of my dreams and I broke up 4 months ago over my emotional state from an ugly, long-term custody battle with my ex wife. We were together for 8 months and both agreed it was the best relationship we’ve ever had. She contacted me last week and we talked all week and got together on the weekend. I told her how much i loved her and wanted her back. She said she needs two weeks to think about it. Is this normal?

    1. Yes. But you are not going to get her back by telling her how much you love her and want her back. She already knows that. Besides, that’s not the reason you broke up. You need to show her the reason you broke up no longer exists. Not just tell her, SHOW her. If you don’t know how, spend sometime on this blog. It has all you need to know on showing someone that things can be different.

  48. says: Renee

    I love this post! It’s been 5 weeks. He said since we’re working on things, seeing someone else would be like cheating. We’re together several times a week and he always gives a kiss goodnight. It’s funny that being on the cusp of being together has been the most strenuous. As I reflect on your indicators I am calmer and see I’m in a good place. I wish he would get off the fence and be back for good.

  49. says: Ryan

    Hi Yangki, I love your site. I was just wondering, does your advice also apply in case of teenagers and young adults still in school? I have questions about my ex, we’re both students but I don’t know if this site caters to that demography.

    1. I’m glad you asked. I’m hoping that the advice works for the demography you describe too. The reality is, my target audience is older. I mostly work with men and women 27 – 65 years of age, and for that reason I’m more familiar with the kind of relationship issues that they deal with.

      There are some major differences in the kind of relationship issues teenagers and young adults face. I don’t think I’m the best person to give advice to teenagers and young adults still in school. I’m humble enough not to pretend to know…

  50. says: Anne

    This is very helpful. My situation is long distance relationship. We broke up because of distance and others issues. We still love each other and trying to make it work but distance is still a huge problem. He can’t move because he’ll lose custody of his children and I can’t move because I take care of my parents both aged and terminally ill.

    You have helped me see things in a different light. Before I started reading your blog, I felt my situation was hopeless but your words have been uplifting and comforting. I don’t know why but I feel like there is hope for us even right now we are struggling. Thank you.

    1. I personally don’t have any hang-ups or rules about adults and their sex lives. But from years of helping exes get back together, regular sex with your ex is not something I’d advice in the very initial states of the process. There is the risk of things quickly escalating into “friends with benefits” situation.

      Build up a level of understanding, safety and trust first. If sex was good before the break-up, it’s still going to be good…

  51. says: Hope22

    Yangki, I am so happy that I stumbled across your e-book!! I have been broken up with my bf for a month. Initially, I was the one who broke up with him. A week later when I realized I had made a BIG mistake and tried to get back together with him, he would not take me back. During this one month, we have gone from him being terribly angry with me, to shutting me out, to now being able to open up about how he really feels about our breakup, and we have gotten to the bottom of why he is reluctant to get back together. But I have to thank you because although I knew instinctively that going NC was not the right approach to this, I might have done a few other dumb things to really screw it up, but after reading and re-reading your e-book, I acted out of love and compassion. We still aren’t back together, but he has opened up and finally turned his “HELL NO” to a “NO” to an “I need some time to figure things out.” Which I am more than happy to give to him. I followed and continue to follow your strategies and plain sound advice and little by little postitive things are unfolding right before my eyes. What’s even better is that I am amazed at my own confident and understanding position–I am putting his feelings first for the moment and not being guided by the all dreaded FEAR.

    Thanks so much for guiding me!!

    I will keep you posted!

    1. “I need some time to figure things out” is degrees from “Hell No!”

      Yeah-yah, my eBook and advice is amazing. I’m amazing…***brag, brag***…(:

      I’m tempted to take all the credit but what and who is really amazing is YOU! One can have the best advice in the world but still make no progress. The eBook is just a road map but YOU, the driver makes it happen.

      Give him all the time he needs… but use that time to work on you/take care of yourself. You can both work on you and grow the relationship at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You learn more about you and about relationships by being in a relationship. The “retreat to the desert” approach to working on yourself or learning about relationships is just that…theory yet to be tested!

      Continue with the “effective communication” strategy and don’t allow yourself to be put in a “just friends” box. Keep pushing against the boundaries of what he might or may have already defined as “friends”. Look at it as just space for you to try to change things. As long as the boundaries remain “vague” and flexible, anything is possible. You CAN do this!!!

  52. says: Baaba

    Yangki, taking the high road when a relationship ends is not easy. Cutting off all contact would have been easier for me but after considering how it might affect any kind of relationship I might have with my ex in the future, I decided I’d simply be the bigger person. At first he would not respond to my texts and emails but I remained courteous. he started to come around, in initiating contact more. He was the first to ask if we can hang out and reached to touch my hand. I don’t know where this is going but I know things would have been very different if I had chosen the no contact route.

    I think that people should not use no contact in a blanket way, they should consider their ex’s personality and the kind of relationship they had.

    1. You are right. Contrary to what most people say, “No Contact” is the easier way. Keeping contact with someone who has rejected you for whatever reason doesn’t come naturally — and doing it effectively is even harder because of all the emotions one has to navigate.

      Whatever it is that you are doing, it is working! Don’t begin over thinking it because panic will set in and cause you to react instead of act consciously.

      If it means anything… all the very best!!!

  53. says: Brandff

    He always had trouble trusting me and no contact made him not trust me even more. But what if I try talking to him in person? I always had an effect on him when we are in each other’s presence.

    1. You could try that… but if he’s hardly responding to your texts and the answering machine is taking your calls, how — short of tricking him like you did with the phone call — are you going to get him to meet you in person? And even if you managed to trick him into meeting you, what’s that meeting going to be like?

      I know you really want this badly, and I feel for you. It’s hard going through what you are going through, but pushing it as hard as you are doing makes things worse. You need to learn to let things go sometimes. Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go is the decision to stop pushing too hard, struggling against resistance and generating frustration and suffering. You’ll find that you have better insight and make better decisions when you let go than when you are constanty pushing hard.

  54. says: BRanff

    Are you saying I can’t get him back at all, may be some time in the future? He said he missed me and stuff. Is there something I can do to get him back?

    1. I don’t know if you can or can’t get him back. I’m not privy to what the future holds or what your capabilities are. What I’m saying is that right now, in terms of what to DO to get him back, there’s nothing you can DO (emphasis on “do”).

  55. says: BRanff

    After 5 weeks of no contact I realized I wasn’t over my ex and contacted him. He replied 3 days later saying he thought it was strange that I decided to talk to him again, he emailed me once in no contact but I didn’t respond. To cut the long story short, we started communicating again. Wk 1 – texting 2 – 5 times a day and 3 phone calls. Wk 2 – texting but mostly me initiating contact and him taking forever to reply. Wk 3 – still me initiating all contact but he’s not responding. I called it went straight to voicemail so I called from another phone and he answered but said he is really busy with work. I’m at a lose as to what to do. I don’t want to confront him because that’s what I did in the past and he broke up with me because I was controlling and needy. What should I do? I really love him very much. Thanks in advance if you would answer.

    1. This is one of the qualms I have with “No Contact”. When you just disappear, it not only sends the wrong message to your ex, it also can plant a seed of wanting revenge. It’s a common human relation-dysfunction trait to want take back the “power” we think has shifted to the other person. I don’t know if that’s what he is doing, I’m just going by what happens most of the time in these kind of situations.

      When you get to a point where contacting someone makes you come across more as a nuisance rather than a delight, it’s may be time to let it go. In the next relationship, think twice before you cut off all contact with someone you still love.

  56. says: Jess

    Nothing drives a person more crazy than complete indifference. Unless of course the person who has broken up with you doesn’t give a tiny little crap about you and in that case, you are refusing to face reality.

    1. You have a point about indifference. It “may” drive your ex crazy and may be even turn up the heat to make your ex want to keep you around/toy with you a little. But in the end, that’s all there is to it — just a mind game.

      It doesn’t however stop people from refusing to accept reality.

  57. says: Austin

    It’s been 5 weeks on NC for me and I know I should be doing this for me but I’m wondering if she even realizes I’ve not contacted her. She told me she didn’t want anything to do with me and lately has started dating again. Will me not being around really make a difference?

    1. Most likely not. She told you she didn’t want anything to do with you and is dating again… that sounds to me like someone who wants to move on without you.

      I’ve said here on my blog several times, by the time you feel that “no contact” is your only option, chances are that the relationship is damaged beyond repair. People using no contact to get their ex back are mostly in denial or having a hard time accepting that their ex doesn’t want them anymore. They really have nothing to lose doing N/C.

      Emotionally smart people don’t do “no contact” when they have a lot to lose.

  58. says: Seaney

    In the past I reacted by getting angry and defiant, texting her insistently and threatening her which is why she needs space and time. I just think that not contacting her will show her I’ve changed.

    1. Same thing. Only difference is that before you were directly angry and defiant, with no contact you are passively defiant.

      If you read my posts, I’m all for people choosing their path. Some things we learn the hard way. So, if you want to do no contact, that’s entirely up to you. But don’t say, no body warned you! I DID… (:

    1. That’s possible. However, cutting off all contact is not going to change what her final decision will be. All you have control over is how you react to her decision to take space and time to think things through.

      It all comes down to how you act when things aren’t going your way…

  59. says: Seaney

    She kissed me was crying and said she cares for me very much and is going to miss me but she just needs a bit of space and time to think things through. I asked her if I can contact her once in a while to see how she’s doing and she said “I’d love that”. Everyone is telling me to cut off all contact since she has chosen not to be with me. And because she said she’ll miss me, it’ll make her miss me even more. Or do you think I should maintain contact? Please advice.

    1. I don’t advice on no contact. She’ll miss you alright but it’ll also send the message that you are only there for her when you have something to gain. Keeping in contact on the other hand, especially when she said “I’d love that” confirms to her that you’ll be there for her even she’s confused — and will not bail out on her just because she’s going through a phase.

      One thing though, keep the contact to just “see how she’s doing” and not trying to get her back. This will increase your chances when she’s done thinking things through!

  60. says: Edvige

    Yangki, please help me understand my ex’s change of heart. We were together for 3 years, had some problems and broke up a couple of times but always got back together. This last time we both agreed that longer time apart would be better for the relationship. We remained in contact for 4 months but it was too painful for me to be in contact, so I asked for no contact. My ex didn’t want it and said the break-up was a mistake, we should try to work things out. After many back and forth texts he agreed to no contact. I took the time to work on myself and my issues. Now after almost 13 months apart, he tells me he does not want to give the relationship another try, that the breakup was actually the right thing for both of us. My question is 1) isn’t absence supposed to make the heart fonder? and 2) why the change of heart?

    1. It’s true that sometimes absence makes the heart fonder — for some people. But it’s also true that the longer people are broken up the more likely that one or both will convince themselves that breaking up was the right thing to do.

      It’s just one of those things… after the break-up, most people work hard at a new life without their ex. At some point, that new life becomes the new “normal”, and for some people it is better than the life they had with their ex. So even if at the time of the break-up one thought it should not have happened, time and new experiences can quickly change that.

  61. says: Ed

    Yangki, I put in the effort and followed your eBook to the letter and i am happy to report shes back! You did a great job deciphering it and giving me a ton of practical things to do. I owe you.

  62. says: Mitch

    My wife of 10 years has separated from me, taking with her our beautiful daughter. I have always been a devoted father and husband and am having difficulty coming to terms with thr injustice of our break up. Our daughter is very sad and misses me greatly. I want to have my family back but am not sure of the approach i should take or how long i should wait.
    Kind regards,

  63. says: Lily

    All these are great advice. My ex boyfriend of 4 years told me that he isn’t in love with me anymore, and only has feelings of friends toward us. I see that its a deal breaker, but I’m hoping I might be able to change his mind.

  64. says: Fiona

    This is really good. I can certainly see a lot of work ahead of me but after reading this I somehow feel confident that I can make it. Thank you.

  65. says: hopeful

    I need advice… Me and my ex dated for a good 7 months ( the longest he ever dated) he is into fmaily lfie and getting his career started to then start a family. We were good and 2 months into the relationship i cheated ( biggest regret) and he forgave me. I was sog rateful and we continued to date and we were happy. We met both sides of the family and everything. Then one day he said he thought we need a break because he thought we were fighitng alot. i kindia overreacted when he broke up with me. Then i apolgized but he got into a rebound relationship. i told him my feelings for him and told him i want to work it out. He however is in a rebound relationship and told me i need to give him space. I am planning on giving him space and just occassionally emailing to say hope all is well. Do you think there is anything else i can do, that would increase my likelihood of him giving me a second chance?
    Thank You

    1. YES, there are many things (just one thing never works) that will increase the likelihood of him giving you a second chance.

      I have MANY articles on my blog and website on MANY of the things you can do depending on your particular situation. You might also want to grab my eBook on how to get your ex back by DATING him again.

  66. says: dev

    i recently had a break up with the girl i’ve dated for 2 years and had a thing for, for 5 years, she’s gone to school 2 hours away, and i still love her, worst part is that i have to wait 4 years to find out whether or not her and i will get back together. We are best friends and i have i few ideas on how to get her back, and a few friends that know the both of us think the plans will work.

  67. says: Arie

    I still obsess over whether or not I did enough to save the relationship. A part of me that wants to believe he is not over me but it’s been 6 months since we broke up.

    1. You may or may not have done enough to save the relationship, you can’t undo the past. What you should be focused on is: What are you going to do now?

      If I were you, I’d try contacting him. There is no guarantee that he’ll respond or want to give the relationship another chance, but at least 6 months from now, you’ll not be wondering what would have happened if you had tried to contact him. You’ll at least know you gave it a try and he didn’t respond or had moved on. With love you just never know until you’ve given it a chance!

  68. says: NotOverHim

    He sent me an email last night. His dad is in hospital. He said seeing his dad very sick made him think about “us”. Thank you for your timely help.

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