10 CLEAR SIGNS Your Ex Is NOT Coming Back (Any Time Soon)

If you still love your ex, it is be hard to accept that they are not coming back. These 10 clear signs your ex is not coming back will help you decide if you should keep trying to get back together, or accept that it is over. Your ex is not coming back and you need to move on.

Each relationship is different, and should be looked at on case by case basis. If however more your situation has 8 or more of the sign you ex is not coming back, it is over. Stop wasting your time, and/or making a fool of yourself.

1. Your ex wants nothing to do with you

In many of my articles and in my book, I advice people trying to get their ex back not to give up on first contact. There are many reasons why an ex may not respond to your first or even second contact. They may:

  •  Not have received your message.
  •  Be too busy and will respond at some point.
  •  Have received your message and wondering why you contacted them (especially if you haven’t been in contact for while) and taking their time to respond.
  • Waiting to see if you will contact them again as proof that you are “serious”.

But if your ex has told you in clear words that they don’t want contact and don’t care if they ever heard from or see you again in this lifetime, your ex wants you to leave them alone. Continuing to contact them just proves you are needy, pushy, disrespectful and annoying.

2. Your ex insists it’s them and not you

Sometimes it’s really your ex and not you. But if your ex despite all your suspicions that there may be other reasons they ended the relationship insists that this is the only reason they’re breaking up with you, and refuses to explore any other “reasons”, they’re intentionally denying you any opportunity to try and fix things. If someone says “the problem is with me”, what can you do about it? Nothing.

Your ex knows that if they give you a “reason”, you may try to change their mind, or do everything to try to make the relationship work — something they don’t want you to do.

3. Your ex is mean to you (and/or angry) most of the time

Break-ups can bring out the “mean” in even the sweetest of us. But if after two months, your ex still calls you names, talks down to you, publicly ignores you or treats you insensitively, you might want to ask yourself if it’s worth the pain and humiliation.

If you cheated or did something really bad, an extended period of being “mean” to you may be justified. But if it’s nothing to do with cheating, lies or any other kind of betrayal, constant mean treatment is not an encouraging sign.

I’ve heard men and women desperately in love say it is better to be yelled at than be totally ignored; that it means that there is still some “feelings” there, and they are right. Even abusive and toxic relationships have “feelings” that mimic passionate love.

Feelings of anger and/or resentment only create more toxicity. Your ex has invested interest in keeping things toxic for as long as possible. They don’t want to civil or be nice to you because they don’t want you back.

4. Your ex says they will never trust you again

Trust unlike other relationship qualities are about safety.  Not many of us want to be watching our back around someone we love. But trust once broken is one of the hardest things to rebuild. It’s often the last thing to come back when trying to attract back and ex, and requires you showing you can be trusted again over and over.

If your ex still loves you, they will give you opportunities to prove that they can once again trust you. But if in every other conversation your ex brings up trust issues, or directly tells you the reason they do not think you will get back together is because they can not trust you, one, you are doing a bad job at rebuilding trust, and two, your ex’s mind about “who you are” is made up. The chances that they will take you back are very small.

5. Your ex will only talk to you on social media

Soon after a break-up most exes want to keep some distance. Texts only, social media, messaging or some other “remote” mode of communications may be the only way you can have any conversations with them. But this should only last 1 – 2 months maximum. If after 3 – 4 months, you are still unable to get your ex to a more “intimate” form of contact (phone call, video chats, face-to-face meetings), chances are your ex is just stringing you along for their entertainment or revenge.

Someone who wants a real relationship with you and wants you back will get tired of the cat-and-mouse game very quickly, and will want more intimate communication (i.e. text messaging, phone conversations, face-to-face- meetings) .

6. Your ex responds but is just being polite

Most of us can tell when someone is just being polite or nice. They feel that not responding when someone reaches out is rude, and/or don’t want to hurt you more than they already have. Most will respond but in a non-engaged way.

If all of of your exes responses are ‘yes’, ‘no, ‘ok’, even to questions that require a longer response, they are telling you, they’d rather you do not talk to them.

Someone who wants to talk to you, will make an effort in some way or the other. They may not ask you questions about yourself but will at least try to answer the questions you ask them. They’ll also respond to a text or call you back even if it’s days after. They will at least respond because they care to keep you in their lives.

7. Your ex says you’re “only friends” 

Your ex asking to be friends is not necessarily a sign that they are not coming back. Being friends with an ex sometimes leads to getting back together. But there has to be effort on your ex’s part to be friends.

If your ‘friend’ (ex) is avoiding seeing you or spending any significant time in your presence. They cancel plans they agreed on, you are not ‘friends’, even if they say you are.

Granted, you are not in a relationship, there is no obligation to meet up or follow through on agreed plans, but someone if is intentionally avoiding you and giving you excuses that do not make sense, it is because they do not want to give you ‘ideas’ or create false hope.

It’s important to note that this sign alone does not mean there is no hope. If it’s in combination with 2 -3 other signs, then it is as a strong a sign as there can be.

8. Your ex is in “serious” relationship with someone else

This one is a tricky one, since your ex being with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean you have no chance. The relationship may be a rebound or they’re just exploring their options.

But if your ex has been with the same person for over a year, or your ex has been in at least two rebound relationships and none of them is with you, it’s obvious that getting back with you is not on top of your ex’s “to do” list.

9. Your ex keeps telling you to move on

Most exes when they end a relationship think they are moving on and will tell you to move on too. That’s normal and expected. At the time, they don’t believe the two of you can get back together and moving on is the right course of action.

In cases where your ex is still leaving the door open, or not yet decided on whether they want you back or not, talk about moving on stops after a few weeks or months. But if 3 – 4 months later, or if in every other conversation your ex feels the need to tell you they want to move on or that you should move on, and even gets upset that you are not moving on, they are serious that they do not want you back.

10. You feel like you are stuck in time

If you’ve been trying to get your ex back for a long-long time and there is no sign of interest on their part, it’s time to accept that your ex is not coming back.

There is no time limit on how long it takes to get your ex back. I’ve worked with men and women who got their ex back in a week and others in 3 years. But if you’ve been trying to get back together for so long and nothing has changed or things are getting even worse, it may be that your ex is never coming back.

But before you make that conclusion, make sure think deeply about what led to the break-up. What behaviours are you willing to change to make the relationship work better for both of you. Think about what your ex has been complaining about for a very long time. Can these things be changed or worked on?


How Avoidants Leave Open The Option To Reconnect With Exes

Signs Your Ex Is Moving On (Has Moved On) But Still Responding to Texts

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment And “Longing” For An Ex

Do Dismissive Avoidants Quickly Move On After A Break-Up?

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
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Join the Conversation


  1. says: Ginger

    Six weeks of “no contact” and my ex has not contacted me. I think he is respecting my wishes not to contact me for sometimes but I’m not sure anymore. Yesterday was my birthday and he didn’t send me a birthday card or text. There’s nothing worse than someone you still love not caring about you.

    1. Have you considered the fact that your ex might be thinking the same thing… there’s nothing worse than someone you still love not caring. He may not even know that you are hoping that he contacts you. He may think you’ve moved on and afraid to contact you only to be rejected. It goes both ways.

  2. says: Martti

    Thank you this positive site, the others are about mind games and tricks which are not for me. As per you advice I have reached out to my ex. She responded to the first text 3 days later. I waited a day then replied and she responded the same day. I replied the next day and again it took her 3 days to write back. It’s been like this for two weeks, is this a lost cause? Your advice worked before and I got her back, but I messed up again texting a woman I met at the gym. My ex understands that there is nothing going on she read the text from the other woman and it was asking for advice with her live-in b/f. She has forgiven me but we are not back together.

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      If this is a one time thing and there are no other problems in the relationship, she’s probably still processing what happened and needs time to resolve it within her mind.

      If this has happened before (you texting other women), or if there are other issues in the relationship, she might be rethinking if she really wants you back.

      Either way, keep lines of communication open, and see where things go.

  3. says: Zeraya

    He told me various reasons why we broke up, but did add that it was him, not me. We have maintained some contact and a few days ago he finally acknowledged that we both share the blame. I was not emotionally ready to hear it and may have blown any chance in the way I responded. I should of followed the advice in your book more carefully and not started talking about the past relationship. He responds to my texts but is a little more distant now. Do you think there is still hope now that he admits he is partially to blame?

    1. You are right that talking about the old relationship may have caused him to pull back. As advised in the book, you can’t completely avoid making mistakes. Almost everyone makes at least one or two. It’s how you course correct that makes the difference.You should be able to get back on track using the advice in the book. It’s not completely lost, yet!

  4. says: laura

    Yangki i just want to say thank you for this site. everyone has been telling me that its over and to move on. i read your signs your ex does not want you back and it gave me courage to contact him. we were not in contact for 11 days. he did not reply right away and your site said to give him time to reply. three days later he replied and he said he did not think he would ever hear from me again and was happy i reached out. he wanted to reach out many times but thought he hurt me badly and i was still angry with him. i said i was hurt but understood why he needed to breakup. he replied back within 3 minutes. all our conversations have been positive so far. i have signed for coaching for 2 weeks and will pay for more sessions if things go well. how do i contact you to set up my appointment?

  5. says: Leah

    Yangki, do you also do coaching for people who want to find out if there is still a chance? My ex says he does not want to get back together but sometimes he acts like he still has feelings for me. He told me he still cares about me but does not want a relationship. We were together for 3 years and are broken up for 8 months. I have read many of your articles and you are the only coach I have found to be unbiased and compassionate. Also like you, I believe in love and honesty not mind games.

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      Unbiased and compassionate…hmmm. I’ll take that! Thank you… 🙂

      I think what you need is more a consultation than coaching. Here’s a link to how to set up a consultation call.

      We will talk about your situation and see whether you should try to get him back or just move on.

  6. says: Andyg

    If your ex sends you a text from out of the blue, and for no obvious reason, is it a sign that he or is missing you and wants you back. Should I respond?

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      It’s a sign that he or she wants to open up lines of communication, which is good, but it does not necessarily mean your ex wants you back. But it could also simply be a one time thing, or a mind game.

      Yes, respond. It’s the only way you are ever going to find out why they contacted you out of the blue.

  7. says: Sassy

    I did no contact for only 30 days and now my ex has a new g/f. He has told me to not contact him because it will upset his new g/f. Can you imagine that? He’s known her for like 2 weeks, we were together for 3 years. He said it is my fault because he tried to contact me and I did not respond. How can he be so selfish after hurting me? Yangki, despite all this I still love him and miss him, but I am hurt again his rebound relationship and how he is treating me.

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      You have every right to feel the way you feel. That said, what did you expect him to do after you did not respond to his attempts to reach you? Put his life on hold while you do your no contact? Don’t you think that’s selfish too?

      Also you don’t know if his new relationship is a rebound. It may stick. Please see: Facts About Rebound Relationships.

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