If you still love your ex, it is be hard to accept that they are not coming back. These 10 clear signs your ex is not coming back will help you decide if you should keep trying to get back together, or accept that it is over. Your ex is not coming back and you need to move on.
Each relationship is different, and should be looked at on case by case basis. If however more your situation has 8 or more of the sign you ex is not coming back, it is over. Stop wasting your time, and/or making a fool of yourself.
1. Your ex wants nothing to do with you
In many of my articles and in my book, I advice people trying to get their ex back not to give up on first contact. There are many reasons why an ex may not respond to your first or even second contact. They may:
- Not have received your message.
- Be too busy and will respond at some point.
- Have received your message and wondering why you contacted them (especially if you haven’t been in contact for while) and taking their time to respond.
- Waiting to see if you will contact them again as proof that you are “serious”.
But if your ex has told you in clear words that they don’t want contact and don’t care if they ever heard from or see you again in this lifetime, your ex wants you to leave them alone. Continuing to contact them just proves you are needy, pushy, disrespectful and annoying.
2. Your ex insists it’s them and not you
Sometimes it’s really your ex and not you. But if your ex despite all your suspicions that there may be other reasons they ended the relationship insists that this is the only reason they’re breaking up with you, and refuses to explore any other “reasons”, they’re intentionally denying you any opportunity to try and fix things. If someone says “the problem is with me”, what can you do about it? Nothing.
Your ex knows that if they give you a “reason”, you may try to change their mind, or do everything to try to make the relationship work — something they don’t want you to do.
3. Your ex is mean to you (and/or angry) most of the time
Break-ups can bring out the “mean” in even the sweetest of us. But if after two months, your ex still calls you names, talks down to you, publicly ignores you or treats you insensitively, you might want to ask yourself if it’s worth the pain and humiliation.
If you cheated or did something really bad, an extended period of being “mean” to you may be justified. But if it’s nothing to do with cheating, lies or any other kind of betrayal, constant mean treatment is not an encouraging sign.
I’ve heard men and women desperately in love say it is better to be yelled at than be totally ignored; that it means that there is still some “feelings” there, and they are right. Even abusive and toxic relationships have “feelings” that mimic passionate love.
Feelings of anger and/or resentment only create more toxicity. Your ex has invested interest in keeping things toxic for as long as possible. They don’t want to civil or be nice to you because they don’t want you back.
4. Your ex says they will never trust you again
Trust unlike other relationship qualities are about safety. Not many of us want to be watching our back around someone we love. But trust once broken is one of the hardest things to rebuild. It’s often the last thing to come back when trying to attract back and ex, and requires you showing you can be trusted again over and over.
If your ex still loves you, they will give you opportunities to prove that they can once again trust you. But if in every other conversation your ex brings up trust issues, or directly tells you the reason they do not think you will get back together is because they can not trust you, one, you are doing a bad job at rebuilding trust, and two, your ex’s mind about “who you are” is made up. The chances that they will take you back are very small.
5. Your ex will only talk to you on social media
Soon after a break-up most exes want to keep some distance. Texts only, social media, messaging or some other “remote” mode of communications may be the only way you can have any conversations with them. But this should only last 1 – 2 months maximum. If after 3 – 4 months, you are still unable to get your ex to a more “intimate” form of contact (phone call, video chats, face-to-face meetings), chances are your ex is just stringing you along for their entertainment or revenge.
Someone who wants a real relationship with you and wants you back will get tired of the cat-and-mouse game very quickly, and will want more intimate communication (i.e. text messaging, phone conversations, face-to-face- meetings) .
6. Your ex responds but is just being polite
Most of us can tell when someone is just being polite or nice. They feel that not responding when someone reaches out is rude, and/or don’t want to hurt you more than they already have. Most will respond but in a non-engaged way.
If all of of your exes responses are ‘yes’, ‘no, ‘ok’, even to questions that require a longer response, they are telling you, they’d rather you do not talk to them.
Someone who wants to talk to you, will make an effort in some way or the other. They may not ask you questions about yourself but will at least try to answer the questions you ask them. They’ll also respond to a text or call you back even if it’s days after. They will at least respond because they care to keep you in their lives.
7. Your ex says you’re “only friends”
Your ex asking to be friends is not necessarily a sign that they are not coming back. Being friends with an ex sometimes leads to getting back together. But there has to be effort on your ex’s part to be friends.
If your ‘friend’ (ex) is avoiding seeing you or spending any significant time in your presence. They cancel plans they agreed on, you are not ‘friends’, even if they say you are.
Granted, you are not in a relationship, there is no obligation to meet up or follow through on agreed plans, but someone if is intentionally avoiding you and giving you excuses that do not make sense, it is because they do not want to give you ‘ideas’ or create false hope.
It’s important to note that this sign alone does not mean there is no hope. If it’s in combination with 2 -3 other signs, then it is as a strong a sign as there can be.
8. Your ex is in “serious” relationship with someone else
This one is a tricky one, since your ex being with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean you have no chance. The relationship may be a rebound or they’re just exploring their options.
But if your ex has been with the same person for over a year, or your ex has been in at least two rebound relationships and none of them is with you, it’s obvious that getting back with you is not on top of your ex’s “to do” list.
9. Your ex keeps telling you to move on
Most exes when they end a relationship think they are moving on and will tell you to move on too. That’s normal and expected. At the time, they don’t believe the two of you can get back together and moving on is the right course of action.
In cases where your ex is still leaving the door open, or not yet decided on whether they want you back or not, talk about moving on stops after a few weeks or months. But if 3 – 4 months later, or if in every other conversation your ex feels the need to tell you they want to move on or that you should move on, and even gets upset that you are not moving on, they are serious that they do not want you back.
10. You feel like you are stuck in time
If you’ve been trying to get your ex back for a long-long time and there is no sign of interest on their part, it’s time to accept that your ex is not coming back.
There is no time limit on how long it takes to get your ex back. I’ve worked with men and women who got their ex back in a week and others in 3 years. But if you’ve been trying to get back together for so long and nothing has changed or things are getting even worse, it may be that your ex is never coming back.
But before you make that conclusion, make sure think deeply about what led to the break-up. What behaviours are you willing to change to make the relationship work better for both of you. Think about what your ex has been complaining about for a very long time. Can these things be changed or worked on?
How Avoidants Leave Open The Option To Reconnect With Exes
Signs Your Ex Is Moving On (Has Moved On) But Still Responding to Texts
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment And “Longing” For An Ex
Somehow, I stumbled on this site and article and it makes me sad that I found it too late. My ex never wants to have contact with me again. I acted very badly when he broke with me, very needy, angry and verbally abusive at first and cutting off all contact when he did not give in to my demands. He tried to reach out to me a couple of times, but I was hostile towards him. He had no choice but to move on. Now I look back at my behavior and I hate myself. He wasn’t perfect, but he treated me better than any man ever did. I am 38 and have had many failed relationships. Only now reading this site that I am beginning to see that the problem has been me all along. I am seeing a therapist next week and hopefully will overcome my issues. Thank you for this insightful, helpful and lifechanging site!
Yangki, what if your ex says it’s over and he is not changing his mind but does not want you out of his life, is there still a chance? I guess what I am asking is, are there cases where options are limited to only two, get back together or not?
Yes, there may be cases when the number of options is really limited, but like I say in my article: Do Exes Really Ever Come Back?, very rarely does an ex leave a relationship thinking that they’ll be back. Most exes when they break-up with you think the relationship is over and there is no future for the two of you. But that can be changed. That’s what this site is for.
I read this site and wish that I had tried harder. But I didn’t have the maturity to choose my reactions and words very carefully. He decided he does not want to try again because we are not compatible and nothing we do will work. I just wish I changed sooner.
Compatibility is a tricky reason for a break-up mainly because 1) it’s subjective and 2) people change. Two people who were compatible when the relationship started may become incompatible over time.
My ex has made it very clear that he does not want me to contact him so I will not try and be pushy. I am not angry, I am disappointed that he decided not to try to work through our problems, but I accept everyone has their own way of grieving and may be he will contact me in the future.
I don’t think that you have any other choice but accept his request. You probably pushed too hard and that’s why he asked you not to contact him.
Yangki, I have been reading your articles and have your dating ex book. One thing I have realized is that getting your ex back is not easy. It’s more complicated than what no contact people tell you. Im trying your way and feel so much grown up already!
Grown up already? I like!
You are right. Getting back your ex is more complicated than some people think. No contact offers a simplified solution:
1. Don’t Contact your ex for x number of days.
2. Reach out with some corny “I have something to tell you” script, accountability statement or video.
3. They’ll be curious and respond, and Voila!
Emotionally intelligent people know that’s not how you cultivate trust, emotional safety and security in someone who has been hurt, is still hurting, is suspicious, has lost feelings of love, is resentful or angry.
I recently reconnected with an ex of 5 years. We chatted via text, and ultimately talked on the phone a few times. He reminisced about the good points of the old relationship, even sent me a picture of a plant that I’d given him 7 years ago, to show me he still had it. Then he asked me out for drinks. I tried for a good year after we broke up to reconcile. Eventually I gave up. I’m wondering if he’s telling me what he thinks I want to hear or if this is legit. How do I schedule?
Please click on this link. It has all the information you need for scheduling your appointment.
Looking forward to being of help.
Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. I am going to try and reach out to her and see if she responds.