You Are NOT Needy, Your Partner IS Insensitive

Many of us do not know that we are needy and clingy, let alone can accept that we are. If anyone even remotely suggests that we are needy or clingy, we get defensive about it.

But if your desire to get closer to someone only makes the other person want distance, chances are you are needy and clingy. You may not be needy all the time and to all people, but needy and clingy with that particular person.

However, there are times when one is called needy or clingy, but a closer look at the relationship reveals that the problems in the relationship have little to do with one being needy, and everything to do with being with an inconsiderate and insensitive boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or spouse.

This will sound very familiar to some of you. You have plans to go hang out later in the evening, your boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or spouse says he/she will meet you, come over or pick you up at 8 p.m. You get ready and all pumped up, but 8 p.m. comes and he/she is no show. It’s 8.15 p.m., you give him/her a call, he/she doesn’t answer. So you send him/her a text but two hours later still no word from him/her. You call again, and finally get through, and his/her response is, “something came up” or “I went out with my friends” or “I fell asleep” or “I can do what I want.”

Now you are really ticked off. You tell him/her that he /she should have at least called or texted and let you know that plans had changed. But instead of apologizing he/her responds by calling you “needy” or “clingy!”

He/she changed plans without telling you, and somehow it is your fault for asking for some sensitivity and respect?

Genuine reactions to inconsiderate and insensitive actions and/or habits should not be dismissed as irrational, needy or clingy.

1. It is NEEDY, clingy and/or controlling when you expect someone not to have any change of plans or not have a life of his/her own where you are not involved.

It is NOT needy or over-reacting to ask that someone respect you enough to tell you when a change in their plans affects you.

2. It is NEEDY to keep telling someone over and over how much you love and care about him/her (with the hope that he/she’ll return the gesture).

It is NOT needy to tell someone you love them or how you feel about them.

3. It is NEEDY to send a text or call someone just to reassure yourself that they are thinking of you, want to be with you, or care about you.

It is NOT needy to send a text or call to let the other person know that you are thinking of them, or ask how their day has been.

4. It is NEEDY, clingy and/or controlling to insist that someone spend more time with you than he/she is willing to, or wants to.

It is NOT needy or controlling to point out that someone spends more time with one of his/her friends than he/she does with you.

5. It is NEEDY and clingy to force emotional closeness when your boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or spouse doesn’t want it.

It is NOT needy and controlling to get upset when someone dismisses your feelings or shoves your need for healthy communication back into your face.

So next time you are accused of being too sensitive or think that you are being needy and clingy, do yourself a favour and reflect on it. May be it’s not you.

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9 Comments

  • Thank you for a great article. If you are with a sensitive partner, it is always best to say how you feel without making it seem like you are blaming them for how you feel. Someone who cares for you will care about your feelings.

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  • My ex is so dramatic she could win an Oscar for her antics. She’s broken up with me 5 times in 2 months. She tells me we should not contact each other and in a few hours contacts me in tears saying she made a mistake and loves me very much. I don’t think she even realizes just how crazy her behavior is. I don’t want to appear as over reacting because that just makes me as crazy as she is. But do you think I should tell her that her drama is really turning me off?

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    • I don’t think it’s overreacting to tell someone they are being overemotional when they’re actually being crazy and overemotional.

      I personally think you have more tolerance than most people, including myself. Will the drama end soon? My guess is NO, unless she gets some serious help. There may be other “issues” going on in her life — some hormonal or chemical imbalances. 5 break-ups in 2 months is just crazy!

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  • This was one of the best articles ever. I have just finished a 6 year-old relationship with a woman who made me feel insecure and paranoid. I was never sure when she’d call or if she’d show up for a date, and when I brought this up, she’d tell me I’m too sensitive and need to chill. All my friends and also her sister told me she is a selfish narcissist but part of me always thought that may be I was the problem. Reading this article helps me feel better about not only ending the relationship but also about myself. Thank you very much.

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  • I’m guilty of calling my ex-g/friend overly sensitive and irrational, and I’m sure it was a problem in some of my past relationships as well. What I take from this article is that she may genuinely be frustrated with something I’ve done. I’ll be more sensitive to the way I act and will start communicating to her that her feelings are valid.

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    • Very insightful! If that’s what you took from the article, then I achieved something.

      Besides, becoming more sensitive and communicating to her that her feelings are important, encourage her to talk to you and verbally express how she feels instead of playing GMG (Guess My Grievance). It’ll make your life a lot easier – plus, you too deserve to be treated like your feelings are important…);

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  • I’m dealing with something similar. My ex says he does not want to talk to me because “I’m too emotional”. I admit I’m more emotional than I used to be and cry every time we talk. I don’t yell, pick up fights with him or anything, just tears. I’ve never considered myself as depressed but now think that may be I am.

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    • If you cry when talking about something as mundane as the weather or if your emotional reactions are inappropriate to whatever it is you are talking about, then may be you are depressed.

      Being depressed is not a good reason not to talk to someone, but if he feels that he does not know how to talk to someone who may be depressed, not talking to you may be what’s best for him — and for the future of your relationship.

      Depression is no something that as a love coach I can help with. My advice is for you to seek professional help – if you fear that you may be depressed.

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  • My b/f does not answer texts or calls until days later. When I tell him I want to be taken seriously and I don’t feel that I am, he turns it around and makes me feel like I’m crazy. He uses, “you are too emotional. I don’t want to get into another fight” to get out of any talk about treating me with respect.

    I keep giving him chance after chance, wanting to believe that he will change but now I think that he is just character deficient.

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