If trying to talk to your ex about an argument, a heated discussion or a break up only leads to more arguments, heated discussions, frustration, anger and even more distance, then you might be interested in this study.

According to new research from Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, your ex may not be just trying to be difficult, his or her personality may be affecting how he or she (and you) remember the events of the heated discussion that led to the break up or the break up itself.

Psychological scientists Jeffry Simpson from the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities Campus; W. Steven Rholes of Texas A&M University; and Heike A. Winterheld from California State University, East Bay asked couples participating in an experiment to complete personality assessments and also list problems in their relationship. They were then told to discuss the two highest-ranking problems (one from each partner’s list). After the discussions, each participant completed a questionnaire on how supportive and emotionally distant they themselves felt immediately following the discussions. A week later, they were asked to complete the same questionnaires, recalling how supportive and emotionally distant they had felt following the original discussions.

The analysis of the results reveals that specific attachment styles (that is, how anxious or avoidant we are in relationships) may affect many facets of our relationships.

The way highly anxious and avoidant individuals remember certain events is based on their needs and goals for the relationship, but only if they were distressed when the memories were created.

1. More avoidant individuals remembered being less supportive one week following the discussion than they initially reported, but only if they been distressed during the discussions.

2. Less avoidant individuals remembered being more supportive than they initially reported, but only if they had been distressed during the discussions.

3. Less anxious individuals remembered being more distant than initially reported if they had been distressed during the discussions.

4. More anxious individuals remembered being closer to their partners than they initially reported if they were distressed during the discussions.

Overall the findings indicate that what individuals respond to in relationships is not what was actually said or done during an interaction with their partner. Instead, what they respond to may be the memories of the interaction, as interpreted due to how anxious or avoidant they are.

According to the authors of the study, these findings are consistent with:

1. Highly avoidant people’s yearning to limit intimacy and maintain control and autonomy in their relationships.

2. Less avoidant (that is, more secure) people’s need to increase intimacy in their relationships.

3. Anxious individuals’ need for closeness and security.

Hopefully this small study will help you not only understand where your ex is coming from but avoid more arguments, heated discussions, frustration, anger and even more distance.

A Must Read If Your Ex Is Resistant and Angry And You Feel Like You’re Getting Nowhere Fast