The Break-Up Has Happened… It’s REAL… Now What?

Many people using “no contact” say they are doing it to heal, take control of their emotions and/or work on themselves.

According to them, they need space and time away from their ex to heal, take control of their emotions and/or work on themselves. That’s understandable.

But what’s understandable is not always what’s right when there is someone else impacted by a decision you make or action you take.

In real life, exes don’t put their lives on hold waiting for you to heal, take control of your emotions and/or work on yourself.

Let’s put that ‘reality check’ on hold for a moment.

Who says you can’t heal and work on yourself while trying to get your ex at the same time?

This is not something many people doing “no contact” to “heal” realize.

They’ve been told that “healing” takes this number of weeks or months, and after that, they will be ready to get on with the more important business of trying to get back their ex.

Most are not interested in how to grieve in a healthy way; they just want get over with the “no contact’ 30 days or 90 days imposed rule.

As the countdown to the end of ‘no contact’ nears, anxiety hits the roof. Many are too scared to initiate contact, most don’t know how to. Even those that manage to overcome their fear and initiate contact go through an emotional avalanche waiting for a response. Many soon or later realize that the process of trying to get an ex back is not just emotionally trying, it’s an emotional roller coaster nightmare.

Cutting off all communication with your ex and focusing on your healing was supposed to make you feel better. How come your emotions still get in the way?

I’ll let you on the secret.

Pre-determined timelines work if you are planning a business, a marketing plan or a trip. But you are dealing with human emotions, and emotions especially break-up emotions aren’t tidy or always compliant.

And you are not just dealing with your emotions, you are also dealing with your ex’s emotions…

It’s crazy. It’s unrealistic to think that you have to wait until you are free of emotional pain before you even try to contact your ex. Even crazier and more unrealistic to wait until you have completely changed before you try to get back your ex.

Both working through your pain and changing are work-in-progress, and both take time.

Back to the reality of trying to get back an ex…. exes don’t put their lives on hold waiting for you to heal, take control of your emotions and/or work on yourself.

The break-up has happened. The pain is real. The emotions are overwhelming. Those are facts. That’s reality.

You might as well use the experience to develop emotional resilience, better understand your emotions (and your ex’s emotions), learn how to communicate better in conflict situations, and try to start a new relationship with your ex.

You can’t do that when you:

  • don’t allow yourself to go through the experience of feeling apart but together at the same time.
  • remove yourself from a situation that would have helped you learn how to deal with your ex’s unpredictable emotions, and positions.
  • are avoiding both a conflict situation and communication.

Point is, you don’t have to wait for you to heal, take control of your emotions and/or work on yourself.

You CAN work on you and get your ex at the same time.

You don’t even have to completely change before starting to create an environment that makes your ex feel it’s emotionally safe to stay in contact, and/or try to get back together. In fact it works to your advantage to be working on yourself while trying to get back your ex. They can see first hand the changes you are making, which helps with them believe the changes you are making are for real!

You CAN work on you and get your ex at the same time. This is why I wrote “It’s Just A Break-Up”.

Too many miss their chance to get their ex back not because their ex does not want them back, but because they wasted too much time in “no contact” and ruined their chances. Many others struggle to convince their ex that they have changed because you know why? Most people don’t believe people change (and for good reason). But what if they witnessed the “change” as it happens right in front of their eyes?  Hmmm?

“It’s Just A Break-Up” used together with “Dating Your Ex” dramatically increases your chances.

It’s do-able, folks!

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11 Comments

  • I’ve had breakups some amicable and some complicated. But this one is hard on me. The big difference is that I got dumped with no closure. I can’t seem to get an explanation from her other than “We both have changed.” The real hard part for me is that I can’t fix what I don’t know. I was angry for a while and still am but not as before. Your book is helping me learn to work though my emotions in a way that I probably have never done before. Some days I literally like a huge load of emotions has left my body but I feel down again as soon as I start emotionalizing. As you say in your book, it takes as long as it takes. I’ll keep ploughing forward because I believe this is what I need at this point in my life. I hope to emerge better and bolder on the other side of it all. Thank you Yangki for being such tremendous support.

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    • I am humbled… 🙂

      Yes, it takes as long as it takes…

      The “emotionalizing” is that ‘spilled milk’ thing I talk about in the book. The good thing is that you are focused on forward movement and not just ‘waiting it out” like many people do. You don’t grow sitting put.

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  • I want to say I have found It’s Just A Break-up very fascinating and helpful. I have your book on How to date your ex and I love it to. I believed in your advice enough to try to find my way back to who I was and want to be. At the moment we have no contact upon his request. I have no choice but to respect his wish for no contact. When I look back at the mistakes I made, I don’t blame him for breaking up with me. I wasn’t a good girlfriend to him, wanting to be in control, thinking my way was the right way, putting down him down. He deserve to have respect and a loving woman by his side. I still blame myself for the breakup but reading your book is helping me move towards taking responsibility and accountability. The part about forgiving yourself and your ex in order to accept and let go made a lot of sense as I was trying to accept and let go before forgiving myself. I’m not quite where I hope to be yet but I feel that the “healing” has finally begun. Thank you for all you do for people like me looking for loving guidance.

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  • Yangki, I am practicing the “effortlessness” you write in your book, and it has given me calm and focus. The part where you talk about accomplishing far more without trying to force things struck a cord with me. I always felt that I put far too much more into my relationships than the other person. Reading your book made me realize it’s not anyone’s fault that they let me do all the work, it’s all on me. I not only have a struggle mentality, I also don’t trust my instincts. I have been doing my homework and the exercises have been very helpful as I learn to separate what I need to act on and what I need to wait until I have clarity. ‘Expectant waiting’ is my new mantra :). Thank you a compassionate and amazing book.

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    • Thank you for your very kind words, Melissa.

      I was hoping (more like anxious) that I would be able to pass on the “sasa” (expectant waiting) concept without losing the reader. Your comment tells me I somehow did what I set out to accomplish.

      There is only so much you can put into a relationship before you start getting diminished returns on your investments. Hopefully your ‘new” relationship with your ex or with someone new will be more balanced.

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  • I have only read ‘It’s Just A Break-Up’ past half way and I already feel that it has given my overworked mind a much needed break. I think that if people were allowed to go through a breakup without feeling like they have to act/feel/think a certain way, maybe they’d deal with everything in a way that is right for them. Your book is helping me to take a break from my mind every now and then and embrace where i’m at so there is no need to be down about what should of or could of been done. Letting life flow “as it is” is such a great and inspiring challenge I will embrace for the rest of my life. I’ll pass this book down to my daughter and hope that she does not make the mistakes i made.

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    • Knowing when to act, when to let go and how to let go and let be just about sums It’s Just A Break-Up!

      I am humbled to know that you are not just reading the book for yourself, but will pass it along to your daughter…

      I completely understand (personal experience) wanting to “pain-proof” our children, but sometimes some pain is necessary (and healthy) for emotional growth, if we know how to use pain to grow….

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  • An interesting update. My ex and I met last night, it’s the first time we’ve seen each other since I started making changes on myself. As it was awkward in the beginning. To cut the long story short, I told her I was sorry for the way I acted needy and clingy. She was surprised to hear me apologize for specific behaviors, and never did I mention anything about her behaviour. What I wasn’t expecting was that this honest and vulnerable encounter laid down a new foundation for things going forward. We have arranged to meet again Friday evening.

    I really believe now more than ever that working on myself will provide a clean slate upon which I can slowly rebuild what we had. Thank you for an amazing book.

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    • Interesting! Using the two books together definitely doubles your chances.

      ‘It’s Just A Break-Up” helps with healing the emotions and with the anxiety that comes with uncertainty; and ‘Dating Your Ex” helps with the process…

      I wish you luck… 🙂

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  • Yangki, before i bought your book i was sure i wanted to move on and leave everything in the past. After reading it, i decided i was not ready to say goodbye yet. i am working on fixing my emotions and not act too needy and clingy. Wish me luck!

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