Without That Sexual Spark You’re Just Friends

without-that-sexual-spartk-you-arejust-friendsEveryone loves a good kiss – or at lease most men and women do. Guilty! I will not deny that I’ve dumped a guy or two just because I did not like the way he kissed. You might want to read my article: What His Kissing Style Says About Him.

But what if someone is so wonderful in all the other areas but when it comes to kissing… well… that’s a different story, should you still go a head and date or even marry him or her?

The love doctor in me says: “Absolutely! A kiss is overrated. There are more important things for a relationship to be happy and fulfilling.”

But a conversation with a client made me step back from my “a kiss is overrated” sweeping observation.

“He’s a wonderful guy and we’ve had a great relationship. But the intimacy part of our relationship is non existent. We just never connected on a sexual level. I knew it the first time I kissed him. I didn’t enjoy the kiss but because he was a great guy, I talked myself into marrying him for who he was. Over the years, it never changed. I tried so very hard to enjoy it but I just never did. Now that he is on antidepressants that has killed his sex drive, kissing is all we have. Everyday I wonder what it’s like to kiss another guy. The lack of intimacy is driving us a part.”

I won’t go into further details on our chat. Yes, a kiss may be overrated — and may be sex is too (so say some people!). Some might even say intimacy is as good as the quality of the relationship. And like I said in my article: What His Kissing Style Says About Him, a lousy kisser can probably be trained to be an acceptable kisser.

But if you do not have that sexual connection with someone, the best thing you can do for both of you is become “just friends” — or if you were already friends, remain “just friends!”

Sexual intimacy is a very important part of a healthy happy relationship. In some relationships, sexual intimacy is instant: “Just bring the two people together and it’s a chain reaction!” In others, it develops slowly and in a predictable (or unpredictable) way. And in other relationships, the intensity of intimacy comes, wavers, goes away, and then comes back again. And sometimes, sexual intimacy is gone — and gone for good. Nothing — absolutely nothing — can bring it back.

But for there to be sexual intimacy, there has to exist some kind of sexual chemistry. Sexual chemistry is what separates a platonic relationship from a romantic or sexual relationship. If it’s not there, don’t fool yourself into believing that somehow it’ll magically happen. Either it’s there or it is not!

What if he or she is an outstanding kisser, and the intimacy is out-of-this-world, but he or she is a lousy date, partner or spouse?

In that case, a kiss is overrated — and so is sex. No relationship can survive very long based on sexual ecstasy alone.

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2 Comments

  • My partner was recently diagnosed with hypothyroid, low testosterone and adrenal fatigue. It took a long and tumultuous time to get to that diagnosis and he’s been in and out for a long time in terms of relationship. He doesn’t know what he want but he loves me and has hope. He needs to get himself straightened out and he’d rather do it alone right now. Should I wait? I do understand what is happening biochemically. So confused.

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    • My heart goes out for you. I can only imagine what it must be like to be going through what you are going through. I wish I could be of more help but like you, I do not know what is happening biochemically. Until he feels well again, it’s hard to tell if this is about the illness or about the relationship (and you).

      Just from a human point of view, I think that leaving someone at his lowest is cruel, most people never forgive or forget something like that. I also think that if you truly love someone (and not just what you get from being with him), you’d want to be there for him — whatever “being there for him” means for you.

      Like I said, I don’t know much about his diagnosis — I’m just a Relationship Coach… All I can offer is my thoughts (I can’t even really give you advice). At the end of the day, this is something only you can decide on. You are the only one who really knows your relationship, knows what you want (which is also very important), and the only one who will live with the outcome of your decision.

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