Contact and How Not to Pressure Your Ex

Many people trying to get their ex back mistakenly think that telling and showing their ex that they love them very much is what will make their ex want to come back. But unrelenting confessions of love only end up pushing your ex even further away. Why? Because even if it looks like it’s about your ex, telling your ex over and over that you love him/her is really about YOU. It’s your fear and anxiety pushing you to seek some kind of reassurance that your ex still loves you as much as you love him/her.

What you should be doing if you want your ex back is show him/her how important — and valuable — your relationship was and is and want it – again. Putting emphasis on the relationship not only makes you less “selfish”, it also takes off the pressure that comes with your ex feeling like they have to “love you back” because you love him/her so much.

But communicating this to an ex can sometimes be like going to the dentist – you don’t know what to expect once you get there, but you almost always assume that the process will be painful and unpleasant. No wonder most people opt to avoid any kind of contact with an ex.

One of the things that can greatly increase your success of getting your ex back is understanding that the one who is trying to win the other back always has to be in more control of his or her own emotions. When you get emotionally upset, frustrated or discouraged, you not only lose your ex’s attraction, you also lose momentum – and in this process momentum is everything.

The more in control you are of your own emotions, the less stress you’ll feel. The less stressed you feel, the more calm and hopeful you’ll feel. The more calm and hopeful you feel, the more productive your interactions with your ex will be – and the better your chances of winning him or her back.

When helping my clients get back their ex, I teach them what I call stress or hassle free contact/interaction. Stress or hassle free contact/interaction promotes emotional calm and understanding as opposed to the traditional fear and anxiety based contact/interaction. It projects a positive feeling rather than a self-interested and stressful one.

Example 1: Your ex tentatively agrees to a date but says he/she will have to confirm it. Wanting things to go really well you went ahead and made reservations. But the day approaches and your ex still hasn’t given you a firm answer.

Fear and anxiety based communication:You need to confirm if you’re coming before noon tomorrow, otherwise I’ll have to cancel the reservations/arrangements”.

Stress or hassle free communication:Let me know before noon tomorrow so I can confirm the reservation with the restaurant“.

What’s the difference? First of all, the stress or hassle free approach sounds more “upbeat” and has a positive tone, though it contains almost identical content. The reason there’s no pressure is because you’re not making it sound like it’ll be your ex’s fault that you might have to cancel the reservations. By relieving him/her of the “stress” of having to say “NO”, he/she will be more inclined to continue contact/interaction even if for one reason or another he/she is unable to make it to dinner.

Example 2: You and your ex were great friends and you’re convinced that if you build on that strong friendship you can create a better relationship. Your ex on the other side can’t make up his/her mind, keeps changing positions and sending mixed signals.

Fear and anxiety based communication:There is no reason why we cannot be friends and try to work this out. But if you don’t want to try just say so. Don’t waste my time!

Stress or hassle free communication:I can tell this is a hard decision for you to make. We can try it for a couple of weeks and if it doesn’t work, we know we at least tried”.

The reason there’s no pressure is because you’re leaving the right to say “NO” if things don’t work out to your ex. He/she has nothing to lose giving it a try for a couple of week. This not only encourages someone who is hesitant to want to try, it also starts to build trust and comfort level.

Why don’t many people use the stress or hassle free approach more often?

Because most men and women are scared to death of allowing others (especially someone they think might act according his/her own agenda) to exercise their right to say “no.” The irony is that stress-free relationships – the kind we all want and long for – are those that respect the other’s right to say “no” — and not give him/her a hard time about it.

Start practicing stress or hassle free communication and you’ll dramatically increase your chances of getting back your ex!

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Yangki, we started getting really close and hang out and it was awesome, until a few weeks ago. He stopped initiating contact and seemed withdrawn and distant. I asked if there’s something wrong but he said it’s just stress at work. Instead of showing him that I understand he is going through a stressful situation, I acted needy and clingy. He still responds to my texts and is sweet and everything but I have not seen him for 2 weeks. Is this normal?

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Yangki, I know you say in your book not to talk about the old relationship and I didn’t bring it up, he did. I was careful to stick to the facts as you advice and I think it made a difference. He noticed I was not being emotional and defensive and made the comment that he wishes I was “this person” when we were still together. I asked him what he meant and he said I seemed more mature than when we were together. He wants to see me again. My question is, should I wait for him to ask me out or ask him out? I asked him out the last time.

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No contact with ex for over a month. I think that if it were meant to be I would have heard from her by now.

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Yangki, Hi my ex left me 3 months ago saying she lost interest in the relastionship and that I wasn’t fun enough. I was guilty of working to much and became predictable but we also had communication issues meaning she never told me what was wrong until the day she left. I’m introverted and she’s extroverted and we were together 4 years living together the last 2 and I’m 39 and she’s 35. We have went to counseling together twice to help me move on she said. We still text everyday and she’s glad to hear from me and I give her space and keep our texts meaningful when I can. Right now she says she’s fine being on her own but does question her decision to leave but isn’t going to rush forward and isn’t going to rush back. I’m stuck now trying to get her back but do you think I have a chance with her being she already knows the going out, night life, and running wasn’t for me or should I keep working on her and hope to convince her to meet me in the middle?

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My ex said she wants us to be friends but she never makes any efforts to initiate contact or hang out. Last week, I asked If she wanted to have a drink and she said, maybe, I’ll call you later. But she didn’t call. So I called her the next day and we spoke for 20 minutes. She apologized for not calling me back and then said she was feeling guilty. I told her I understand but she kept saying she’s sorry because I’m so nice to her. She had to go and I haven’t texted or called her for 4 days. Do you think she feels guilty for breaking up with me or is there something else?

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