I talk to so many men and women, and receive tons of emails from people saying, I am NOT this or I’m NOT that and that’s why I have this or that dating or relationship problem.

If I may be honest here, I’d rather receive these types of emails any day anytime, than those that blame someone else or something else for everything else. Believe it or not, I even get emails and calls from people blaming the advice I give for the ALL the problems in their love lives. Hell-O?!

Let’s be real, it’s easier to think it’s somebody or some thing else’s fault or talk yourself into believing that everybody else has the same problem you have than admit that you need to change – and can change, grow, develop, become more exciting, more inspiring, more positive, less negative, less antagonistic, less pushy, less needy, less rigid in your thinking and ways, less predictable, more intimate, more loving, more loved.

It begins and ends with who YOU are.

Unless you’ve grown up in one of the cultures that still practice the Rites of Passage To Adulthood rituals, it’s very likely that nobody helped you get in touch with who you really are. You’re just supposed to know. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that and that’s why at your age, you may still be trying to figure out just who are you.

And when you start dating or get into a relationship, who you are - as a loving human being – becomes even more crucial. Because you’re still trying to figure out just who are you, you may find that you really don’t know which you to present or express, and how. A few failed attempts result in your being unable to trust yourself, take responsibility for your own experience and in some cases to not even like yourself. You’re afraid to be “just yourself” and be open about what and how you feel about a man or woman because you don’t know how to.

The “how to” of love begins with how you love yourself.

A truly loving person first and foremost loves him or herself. And I don’t mean I, Me and Myself ego trip but a deep awareness of yourself as walking, breathing, talking unlimited love itself; an awareness that includes knowing that no matter how much love you give away you will always have more love than you need.

A truly loving person has the confidence to open oneself to opportunities for expressing and experiencing love without fear - anxiety or panic. He or she sees and treats love as an unfolding continually changing experience rather than an isolated phenomenon/experience one which if you “mess up”, it’s gone forever.

A truly loving person allows others the opportunity to express their love without demanding, manipulating or  coarsing it out of them. He or she inspires others to be more open and eager to see, feel and live love.

Which YOU is being rejected by the man or woman you love and want?

The cold, fearful, anxious, demanding, manipulatve, negative, antagonistic, pushy, needy, predictable, rigid in your thinking and ways YOU or the more confident, more open, more easy-going, more exciting, more inspiring, more positive, more understanding and caring, more intimate, more loving YOU?

Getting to a place where you are a truly loving man or woman who loves him or herself isn’t one of those things you just recite a mantra and voila! You’re so suddenly walking, breathing, talking unlimited love. Nor is it something you go to a love-boot camp, sweat lodge seminar or mediation pilgrimage and there you are, so amazingly open and eager to see, feel and live love.

This is something you learn. First by becoming aware and then by allowing yourself to feel and experience without fear. The more you experience the  more you learn; the more you learn the more you change; the more you change the more you grow into the lovable being others want to be with and can’t live without.

I strongly believe – and experience backs me up on this one — that whatever we learned in life can be unlearned, that is if we want to learn it differently.

Click here to continue to Pt 2 >>

***Do you have a burning question you’d like to ask an experienced and insightful Dating & Relationships Coach? Here’s your chance. Go to ” Ask a Question” page above and ask away.

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It’s Not Love That Hurts
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So You So You Think You’re A Lover – But Why Act Like A Loser?
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Originally posted 2010-01-10 11:45:29. Republished by Blog Post Promoter