In part 2 of Why The Man or Woman You Love Doesn’t Want You, I briefly touched on why it’s important to learn to be excited about what IS. This is not easy when you have expectations of others and are always worrying and overanalyzing their every word and action.
Just think about it. Every time you’ve felt rejected and unwanted by someone you love, it’s because someone didn’t do what you expected them to do — didn’t call, didn’t say the words you hoped he/she would say, didn’t remember your birthday, forgot to mention… and so on. And the times you’ve felt so loved and wanted where when he/she met your expectations and beyond.
Should you have any relationship expectations at all?
Relationship expectations are the give and take currency of any functional relationship because expectations challenge us to be and do our best. Having “expectations” is not the problem, who has expectations is what creates most relationship problems.
Most people who have relationships based on WAS rather than IS have expectations not because they expect these relationships to be met but because they fear that they won’t be met.
“If this doesn’t happen, then what?” mindset
This mindset is about limiting your alternatives so you can better manage the anxiety of not knowing what happens next. But by always asking “If this doesn’t happen, then what?”, you not only hold yourself but also the people you love hostage to your limited expectations/alternatives.
You may say or do something expecting a certain reaction from the other person but you get a completely different reaction because often times the person may not even know what it is you expect of him/her. Other times he/she just doesn’t feel that his/her reason for existing is to be and do what you would wish of him/her.
For example if he/she wanted to call you but thinks calling you means giving in to your “underhanded scheming” he/she won’t call just to prove he/she is not a puppet tied to the strings of your expectations.
I’ll be “whoever and whatever you want me to be” mindset
Some people try to manage the anxiety of not knowing what happens next by either lowering their expectations too low or being the one always doing what they think the other person expects of them. This may work for a while and to a point. But almost always there comes a day when the other person says those dreaded words, “I’m not really feeling it” or “something is missing” or “I need some space” or “I love you but I’m not in love with you.’
Why? Why would he/she say that when you’ve been so “perfect” for him or her?
Because he/she felt that there was only one person in the relationship. You gave up who you are and became “who meets all his/her expectations” and it either got too boring, too expected, too predictable or just “Uggggh! Get a life!”
You became “whoever and whatever” most likely because you came into the relationship not even knowing who YOU are in the first place. By being “whoever and whatever you want me to be”, you leave the burden of coming up with creative things to do in and with the relationship to the other person. The weight of carrying you along or the feeling that you’re holding him/her back makes the other person feel he/she has no choice but to end the relationship.
You can only bring to the relationship WHO you are.
If you have an over inflated version of who you really are, you’ll tend to have very high and often unrealistic expectations (standards, ideals and views of things) that others can’t live up to. You think, feel and expect the other person to think, feel and behave like you when in a similar situation, and often feel hurt, angry, confused and betrayed when the other person doesn’t live up to your expectation of them.
And if you have a very low opinion of yourself, you’ll tend to have very low expectations or harbour unsaid expectations because you don’t believe you’re worth of anything more. You say and do things out of the need to be loved, liked or wanted contributing to the unrealistic expectations others have of you.
Click here to continue to Pt 4 >>
***Do you have a burning question you’d like to ask an experienced and insightful Dating & Relationships Coach? Here’s your chance. Go to ” Ask a Question” page above and ask away.
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It’s Not Love That Hurts
Why I am Still Single Excuses
So You So You Think You’re A Lover – But Why Act Like A Loser?
What REALLY Makes Some People Magnetic? What is their SECRET?
Originally posted 2010-01-29 12:30:09. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
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I can’t wait for the next part. I’M LOVIN’ IT!
I stumbled on your blog following a link from one of your articles. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself who need answers fast and are not sure who to ask. Keep up the good work.
This is really good! Such a good site!
thank you so much for your books and this website!
My girl left nearly 2 weeks ago, because she felt something was “missing”, that we havent really been working through any issues for months. Looking back i can see this is true, but i also believe what we have is special, and that she is the one. I have been working on myself this whole time, and plan to continue with it. She believes that she needs to get over me, but id like to ask her to give me a try at making her feel loved and fun and happy again, by actually dating (we missed this step the first time) and just having fun maybe once or twice a week, before she does that. How do you recommend i approach this?
There is not ONE approach because making someone feel loved and fun and happy involves doing many different things on many different fronts. In your other comment you say you have my eBook Dating Your Ex. The following chapters (approx. 70 pages) all deal with dating an ex in a way that is meaningful, emotional bonding and fun – all working gradually towards actually getting back together (and staying together):
1) re-entering your ex’s life
2) the right time to ask for another chance
3) direct vs. indirect request
4) how to talk about getting back together
5) being friends to start with
6) the pulling and pushing phase
7) starting afresh
Of course what’s meaningful, emotional bonding and fun is different from woman to woman, so you have to really know what appeals to your particular one other wise doing the generic stuff won’t get you far. It may even confirm to her that you just don’t GET HER (and may never) and that seals your fate. If you need help figuring out what will work for your woman, I’m happy to work with you.
Thank you for replying
we spoke today, and I asked her if she could give me a chance to prove these things, she said that I still don’t understand, she needs to be alone to find herself, that she has been with someone since she was 14, always filing her life with another partner. She said she loves me, and misses me all the time, but she can’t be IN love right now, and if it happens in the future that’s up to fate. We spent the day together as we are still best friends, and when I got home she texted me saying thank you for talking, wonderful day, just too early to think about these things. I know the solution may seem easy, but I don’t want to screw this up, it’s so very important to me. I can wait as long as it takes, but I’m not sure how to define if it’s really worth it, or I’m just heading for extended heartbreak. I appologise for the long comment… Thank you in advance
It’ll only be extended heartbreak if you put your life on “hold” or push this to happen in your timeframe. But if you live your life, doing the things that are important to you and which you enjoy (with or without her) and if you can get more days like “today” where you enjoy each other’s company with no “pressure” to get back together or even make her “fall IN love” with you, and like she says if it happens in the future that’s up to fate.
She still loves you and misses you – PLUS you have the “best friends” advantage, don’t screw this up with your own internal pressure to “get her back” before she’s ready…
I enjoyed this too…I think that when my b/f told me something was missing and he’s been trying very hard to figure it out but he also told me that he isn’t going anywhere. I do believe the problem is me. I’ve thought that for a while. I am too analytical, but try not to let him see that, but maybe I am inadvertently letting him see my insecurities.
I have enjoyed reading this so far..I truly want this relationship to work, he is everything I have ever wanted.