Why Someone You Love Doesn’t Want You

why-someone-you-love-does-not-love-you-love-dies-selfishIf you asked me, “what’s the most frequently asked question men and women ask you as a love doctor?”

I’d sum it up in three sentences 1) does he/she love me? 2) why did he/she stop loving me? 3) why can’t I stop loving him/her?

Almost every man or woman who has tried to “find” love, been in love and lost someone he/she loved at some point in his or her life has asked him or herself “why did love die?”

Anaïs Nin sums up “why love died” in the following quote:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

People lose the initial attraction or the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love not because of that one word you said or that one thing you did. People lose the initial attraction or the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love because of all the things you made them FEEL 1) about you, but most importantly, 2) about themselves.

And I’ m not talking about compliments, cool pick-up lines, nice’em up talk (please, thank you, you’re beautiful/sexy/smart/strong), romantic gestures, and all that “feel good” stuff. I’m talking about what makes him/her FEEL RIGHT about him/herself (choices, decisions, thoughts, actions etc) and feel happy, hopeful and positive about love, about relationships and about people and life in general. That (deep) stuff!

This is where most of us fail miserably

Think about it… almost everyone says they want a great relationship with lots of caring, love, trust, romance, harmony, cooperation, laughter, passion, intimacy, sex, sex and some more sex; and almost everyone believes to some extent that they have all the qualities necessary for attracting and maintaining a great relationship. But not everyone has a great relationship.

Why? Because everyone is trying to get that great relationship but very few are trying to give it or even really know how-to.

Everyone is thinking of him/herself (wants, needs, what is comfortable, how to get the upper hand, how to influence etc.) and not very much about the other person.

Everyone is trying to sell to someone just what a great catch they are but very few are actually doing anything to make the other person feel like a great catch.

And this is not just men or women thing, it’s something all genders do equally because most of us were never taught to think about someone else unless they are a means to what we want and need. We simply don’t pay that much attention to other people’s emotions and feelings as if they were our own, and yet wonder why after all the “loving” things we said and all the romantic things we did, they still decided they did not want us.

You can only get so far mimicking “love” while pushing your own agenda

Here is the thing, like most people you may not even be aware that your “loving” words, thoughts, emotions and actions are the very things letting you down. You may think you’re simply a “man/woman in love” doing things people who are in love do, but instead of inspiring love in the person you love, all you get is constant rejection.

Despite your efforts to convince the other person that you’re a “great catch” worth of their love, all you managed to achieve is, “it’s always and will always be all about me, myself and I.” And it is!

Without the deep inquiry as to which of your words, thoughts, emotions and actions are driven by your “me, myself and I” inclinations or compulsions (and yours alone) and which of your words, thoughts, emotions and actions are in the best interest of someone else, you’ll always find yourself let down — not by someone else — but by your own words, thoughts, emotions and actions.

The saddest thing of all is that you may be with someone who genuinely loves you but does not want to be with you simply because what you offer does not add up to “you make me feel good about myself, about “us” and about life.

It takes more than one to create “us”

Painful as it may be, accepting that it’s not all about YOU releases you from unrealistic expectations of others, the need to play mind games, from constantly feeling like you’re selling yourself one moment and walking on egg shells the next and from having to beg, demand and bribe people to love you.

It frees you to possibilities for yourself and for love to naturally replenish itself. Instead of always living in the small confined and limiting world with rigid rules of behaviour where this MUST happen in this particular way and at this particular time or less the whole house of cards comes crumbling down, you’re living in continual anticipation of not “what can I say and do to get love back” but rather “how can I make him/her feel loved”.

Not only does this open you to spontaneity and living out your loving and creative self, even better, it allows others to see how unlimited you are in your ability to express love. Seeing you as limitlessly loving and creative inspires oothers to want to open themselves up to love, creativity, spontaneity and living out their own limitlessness.

Instead of the relationship being about who calls who and how often, who said what and why, or who did what for who and when, the relationship becomes a gigantic wondrous mystery where unlimited “I” meets unlimited “You” and becomes unlimited “Us”.

Get out of “Me” and get into “Us”!

If you’re with someone who shows initial attraction or who is losing or has lost the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love with you, the solution is not more of YOU (your words, thoughts, emotions and actions of “love”) but more of “us” in the relationship.

Remember, it takes more than one to create “us”, so don’t swing all the way to the opposite direction and make it all “about him/her”. It takes more than one to create “us”.

And when more of “us” is offered to you, accept it because it’s just as hard to take it as it is to give it.

If you need help getting started on how to fan that initial attraction or re-ignite feelings of love that are fading or have faded, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m happy to work with you as your coach and mentor because like Anaïs Nin, I believe: “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source.”

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42 Comments

  • I’ve had time to think of the things that went wrong and have come to realise that a big part of it was that I struggled to be open with him. I pushed him away for fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt. Now I realise that the only way I am ever going to get what I want is to put it all out there again, everything that I hid the last time.

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  • Yangki, I am glad that you have this site to encourage both men and women to work it out. I have been married 25 years to my lovely wife and we have had our share of problems but we always worked it out. Many of my friends who married at the same time and later are all divorced and some in second marriages that are not doing too well. In my opinion the reason they are divorced is because the individuals refused to work it out. Some of them plain admitted to my face that they are too arrogant to make the relationship work. It is simply selfishness. It is selfishness in the sense that when it is no longer about ‘us’, it really is no longer a relationship.

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  • I’ll admit that I’m not usually one for taking internet advice seriously, especially if it’s free. But I’ve grown on this author and think that she’s onto something. I’m especially interested in emotional connection as this is something I think that I have a hard time establishing with the women I’ve dated.

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  • He says he still loves me and can see me in his future but wants to be on his own for a while. We were serious and would have been engaged this summer. Do you think that he got scared because he realized that our marriage was becoming a reality? He also said during the breakup that we spent too much time together. Could it be that he felt that he was dependent on me and needed to find himself before he commits to marriage? I want him back, please help. Thanks.

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    • All those are possibilities. But you are only seeing things from “something is “wrong” with him. There is also the possibility that he felt suffocated, had doubts abut marrying you, or felt the relationship wasn’t right for him.

      When you look at things more objectively, you have a better chance of finding the right solution than when you have tunnel vision/or listening only to the advice of your “girlfriends”. They mean well, but it doesn’t help you relationship.

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  • My ex says she loves me but she does not want a relationship with me. I have done a lot of changing and growing since our break up, yet she does not appreciate these efforts. She sees them as self-serving manipulation to get her back. It’s so frustrating to do all the work to change and grow and not be acknowledged for one’s efforts. I need her to see that I have really changed and that I love her so much and don’t want to lose her. What more do I need to do?

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    • It’s frustrating when you are doing all this changing and growing but if it’s not working. If part of why you broke up in the first place is because your ex thought you were “self -centered” then it’s only natural that she still sees your efforts in that light. It’ll take a lot of selflessly showing – consistently and over a period of time – that you have genuinely changed for her to believe the changes.

      This takes time and patience. Anything that feels like putting pressure on her to “see that you’ve changed” is going to backfire. Ultimately, if she’s going to come back to you, it’ll be because SHE WANTS to and not because YOU MADE her do it.

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  • Yangki, is it possible for two people to suddenly want different things. My ex who I have been with for 5 years, and recently ended the relationship says she can’t be with me because we no longer want the same things. This is someone who for the past 5 years has been saying I was the best thing that happened to her and if I left her she’d be heartbroken for life. I know there is no one else in the picture, so it’s not that she found someone better. I’m very confused. Is this another of those, “it’s not you, it’s me” excuses when people are afraid of telling you the real reason they are breaking up with you. Please help!

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    • Yes, it’s possible. Sometimes two people in a relationship grow and change together, and sometimes they grow and change, and can no longer be together.

      On the surface it may appear that the feeling that you are no longer compatible happened suddenly, but in reality it happened over a period of time. She may have woken up one morning and the realization hit her… “we want different things!”

      It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you (or your ex for that matter). It just means you grew apart.

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  • I’ve been in tears most of the day. I am feeling so depressed because I lost the love of my life due to my own doing. I decided to go online to find some inspiration to give me direction, and I found your blog.

    Thank you for sharing this advice. I hope I can get her back, but even if I don’t, I can use the advice to move forward.

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    • I can only imagine your pain. I think that right now you need to take care of you… process your emotions and forgive yourself.

      Trying to get her back when you are not in an emotionally good place will not work because you are not emotionally attractive when you are “down”.

      If you can, maintain some contact to keep the lines of communication open, but do not try to actively get her back until you are feel a lot better.

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  • The people that we love the most and strive to have them do the same are the ones who seem have all the conditions and excuses and cause us the most pain – aaaggghhh 🙁

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