Monday July 28th 2014

Why Someone You Love Doesn’t Want You: Pt.4

If you asked me, “what’s the most frequently asked question men and women ask you as a love doctor?”

I’d sum it up in three sentences 1) does he/she love me? 2) why did he/she stop loving me? 3) why can’t I stop loving him/her?

Almost every man or woman who has tried to “find” love, been in love and lost someone he/she loved at some point in his or her life has asked him or herself “why did love die?”

Anaïs Nin sums up “why love died” in the following quote:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

People lose the initial attraction or the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love not because of that one word you said or that one thing you did. People lose the initial attraction or the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love because of all the things you made them FEEL 1) about you, but most importantly, 2) about themselves.

And I’ m not talking about compliments, cool pick-up lines, nice’em up talk (please, thank you, you’re beautiful/sexy/smart/strong), romantic gestures, and all that “feel good” stuff. I’m talking about what makes him/her FEEL RIGHT about him/herself (choices, decisions, thoughts, actions etc) and feel happy, hopeful and positive about love, about relationships and about people and life in general. That (deep) stuff!

This is where most of us fail miserably

Think about it… almost everyone says they want a great relationship with lots of caring, love, trust, romance, harmony, cooperation, laughter, passion, intimacy, sex, sex and some more sex; and almost everyone believes to some extent that they have all the qualities necessary for attracting and maintaining a great relationship. But not everyone has a great relationship.

Why? Because everyone is trying to get that great relationship but very few are trying to give it or even really know how-to. Everyone is thinking of him/herself (wants, needs, what is comfortable, how to get the upper hand, how to influence etc.) and not very much about the other person. Everyone is trying to sell to someone just what a great catch they are but very few are actually doing anything to make the other person feel like a great catch.

And this is not just men or women thing, it’s something all genders do equally because most of us were never taught to think about someone else unless they are a means to what we want and need. We simply don’t pay that much attention to other people’s emotions and feelings as if they were our own, and yet wonder why after all the “loving” things we said and all the romantic things we did, they still decided they did not want us.

You can only get so far mimicking “love” while pushing your own agenda

Here is the thing, like most people you may not even be aware that your “loving” words, thoughts, emotions and actions are the very things letting you down. You may think you’re simply a “man/woman in love” doing things people who are in love do, but instead of inspiring love in the person you love, all you get is constant rejection. Because despite your efforts to convince the other person that you’re a “great catch” worth of their love, all you managed to achieve is, “it’s always and will always be all about me, myself and I.” And in it is!

Without the deep inquiry as to which of your words, thoughts, emotions and actions are driven by your “me, myself and I” inclinations or compulsions (and yours alone) and which of your words, thoughts, emotions and actions are in the best interest of someone else, you’ll always find yourself let down — not by someone else — but by your own words, thoughts, emotions and actions.

The saddest thing of all is that you may be with someone who genuinely loves you but does not want to be with you simply because what you offer does not add up to “you make me feel good about myself, about “us” and about life.

It takes more than one to create “us”

Painful as it may be, accepting that it’s not all about YOU releases you from unrealistic expectations of others, the need to play mind games, from constantly feeling like you’re selling yourself one moment and walking on egg shells the next and from having to beg, demand and bribe people to love you.

It frees you to possibilities for yourself and for love to naturally replenish itself. Instead of always living in the small confined and limiting world with rigid rules of behaviour where this MUST happen in this particular way and at this particular time or less the whole house of cards comes crumbling down, you’re living in continual anticipation of not “what can I say and do to get love back” but rather “how can I make him/her feel loved”.

Not only does this open you to spontaneity and living out your loving and creative self, even better, it allows others to see how unlimited you are in your ability to express love. Seeing you as limitlessly loving and creative inspires oothers to want to open themselves up to love, creativity, spontaneity and living out their own limitlessness.

Instead of the relationship being about who calls who and how often, who said what and why, or who did what for who and when, the relationship becomes a gigantic wondrous mystery where unlimited “I” meets unlimited “You” and becomes unlimited “Us”.

Get out of “Me” and get into “Us”!

If you’re with someone who shows initial attraction or who is losing or has lost the passion, excitement and feelings of being in love with you, the solution is not more of YOU (your words, thoughts, emotions and actions of “love”) but more of “us” in the relationship.

Remember, it takes more than one to create “us”, so don’t swing all the way to the opposite direction and make it all “about him/her”. It takes more than one to create “us”.

And when more of “us” is offered to you, accept it because it’s just as hard to take it as it is to give it.

If you need help getting started on how to fan that initial attraction or re-ignite feelings of love that are fading or have faded, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m happy to work with you as your coach and mentor because like Anaïs Nin, I believe: “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source.”

To really benefit from this series, please also read: Why The Man or Woman You Love Doesn’t Want You: Pt.1 > Pt.2 > Pt.3

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

28 Responses to “Why Someone You Love Doesn’t Want You: Pt.4”

  1. Ryan says:

    My wife left 2 weeks ago. She was a good woman who put up with my self-centered expectations and demands for 7 whole years. I did not value her and did only what benefited me and only me. I have only myself to blame for her leaving. I’d give anything to make it up to her and show her how much she means to me but right now I know I’m not the best partner for her or for any other woman for that matter. I’m doing a lot of soul searching and fortunate to have found your blog. This article speaks to the core of my soul. My ultimate goal is to get her back but if I don’t, the next woman will not have to go through what my ex went through with me.

  2. It’s unfortunate what you are going through. I have to give you a lot of credit for recognizing that you’re the only one to blame for your actions and nobody else. I also give you a lot of respect for taking “time out” to work on yourself instead of jumping into another relationship right away and hurting another unsuspecting person.

    I hope you get the second chance your heart desires.

  3. Chandra says:

    My ex died to me the day he told me he didn’t love me and didn’t want me anymore. I gave this man everything I could possibly give anyone and this is what I get? This experience has taught me that not to give where giving is undeserved and unappreciated. Now can anyone tell me how I go about getting back the 4 years of my life and the thousands of my dollars I wasted on someone so ungrateful and selfish?

  4. Sorry, I don’t know how you get back the 4 years and thousands of my dollars…

    I do however know that at some point you have to let this go to make room for another experience that might be fulfilling and better, provided you learned the lesson there was to learn. You can’t get back 4 years of your life and you may never get back your thousands of dollars but don’t give him more than he’s already taken…

    PS: Not to be mean here, but you do have to take some responsibility for “forgetting yourself” and making it all about him. He didn’t make you do that, you did it to yourself.

  5. Chandra says:

    I know I can’t get back my 4 years and even money, but can I at least stew in my anger a few more weeks, months?

    You’re not being mean at all. I’m responsible for “forgetting” myself”. It’s been a pattern in all my relationships. I was raised by parents who were both alcoholics and learned so very early in life to ignore my own needs and what I want and put theirs above mine. It was the only way I got any resemblance of love from my parents. It’s time I broke the toxic pattern. Thank you for being honest and not just padding my ego :)

    Your new fan!

  6. My new fan! Stew all you want, just make sure you don’t break any laws – God’s laws or man’s laws… :) The important thing is that you LET GO (some time) and open yourself to love again.

  7. David says:

    It sucks that I had to lose the love of my life to learn this sad lesson. I was a complete jerk. I wish I could go back and change everything.

  8. Saila Peneman says:

    Hi,

    Today I have been reading some of your articles and have found them very instructive and interesting. I tried to copy and keep them on my computer, but a sign came up saying,”Why steal, ask me.’

    So, I would like to ask you to allow me to copy the ones I like. I will keep them exclusively for personal use. I do not have, neither have I had in the past, nor will I have the in future any website or weblogg.

    I am 75 years old and I am aware and repect copy right laws.If you wonder why a 75-year old is interested in “love articles”, perhaps if I say I’m a Gemini would help. Thank you very much!

  9. Would you please email me on which articles you’d like to copy.

  10. Betsy says:

    The quote from Anais Nin really hit home for me. I was married for 27 years to a man who struggled with loving himself for who he was. We worked very hard to keep our love alive everyday. After he passed away I met a man who showered me with so much attention I thought this is would be the same, but all the attention was short lived because he could not think about “us” he was still thinking about “him” and how to meet his needs through me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

  11. Soulbound says:

    Yangki, I love your posts because they warn people from judging their ex after the breakup. It was the first thing I did after my breakup. I was angry and bitter but now I see how I was just as much to blame for him breaking up with me as he was. I only wish I had figured that out before the breakup and before my anger and bitterness got in the way of us getting back together. He says he still loves and cares about me but he can’t reconcile the woman he fell in love with and the person I became. Anyways, just wanted to say you are doing a great job, keep it up.

  12. Jas says:

    This article really hit home, I do think about me a lot in the situation. I cannot say it is all my fault for the love decreasing and becoming hard but I know that my actions did not always help. My methods were about me and I should have found a better more loving way to express myself. It may be too late for my relationship now but this gives me I want to change for myself, so the love I hope is in my future can prosper. Thanks for the help :)

  13. xiang says:

    Yangki, I know that you do not encourage NC but just wanted your opinion on my situation. I was with a guy for almost a year, it was great except for the last 4 months when he started distancing from me. I asked why and he said he could not spend as much time with me as I required of him. I tried to be understanding and gave him space but he continued being cold and distant, not returning calls or texts etc. I called him and asked him if he wanted to breakup with me and he basically said yes. He said he cared about me very much but can’t give me what I want. He also still wants to be friends. I was so upset and hang up. Two hours later I called to apologize, he did not pick up the phone. We have not had any contact for 10 days. Do you think it’s a good idea to contact him again or do NC?

  14. You acted needy and he pulled away. You panicked and offered him a way out and he took it. I honestly don’t think it matters either way. You can contact him or do NC, it isn’t going to make much of a difference.

  15. Dimitri says:

    I’m glad to hear it works out for some the next time around. Hopefully the benefit of hind sight and your great articles will make me a better partner if I get a chance to do it right the second time round.

  16. Remus says:

    I have learned a lot from reading your articles and wish I had come up on your site 2 months ago. I was on so many other “no contact” sites and one day she called me crying and wanting me back, but everyone told me not to respond. Now she is with someone else and I wish I had done more to fight for the relationship, but I just didn’t know how or what to do.

  17. I hear you. Hind sight is always 20/20 vision. May be you’ll get another chance to try to get her back, may be you won’t. The best thing you can do as this point is take care of yourself.

  18. Safia says:

    Good advice. Really made me stop and self-check. I have a lot of work to do :)

  19. Jilox says:

    The people that we love the most and strive to have them do the same are the ones who seem have all the conditions and excuses and cause us the most pain – aaaggghhh :(

  20. Phillip says:

    I’ve been in tears most of the day. I am feeling so depressed because I lost the love of my life due to my own doing. I decided to go online to find some inspiration to give me direction, and I found your blog.

    Thank you for sharing this advice. I hope I can get her back, but even if I don’t, I can use the advice to move forward.

  21. I can only imagine your pain. I think that right now you need to take care of you… process your emotions and forgive yourself.

    Trying to get her back when you are not in an emotionally good place will not work because you are not emotionally attractive when you are “down”.

    If you can, maintain some contact to keep the lines of communication open, but do not try to actively get her back until you are feel a lot better.

  22. Hiatsu says:

    Yangki, is it possible for two people to suddenly want different things. My ex who I have been with for 5 years, and recently ended the relationship says she can’t be with me because we no longer want the same things. This is someone who for the past 5 years has been saying I was the best thing that happened to her and if I left her she’d be heartbroken for life. I know there is no one else in the picture, so it’s not that she found someone better. I’m very confused. Is this another of those, “it’s not you, it’s me” excuses when people are afraid of telling you the real reason they are breaking up with you. Please help!

  23. Yes, it’s possible. Sometimes two people in a relationship grow and change together, and sometimes they grow and change, and can no longer be together.

    On the surface it may appear that the feeling that you are no longer compatible happened suddenly, but in reality it happened over a period of time. She may have woken up one morning and the realization hit her… “we want different things!”

    It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you (or your ex for that matter). It just means you grew apart.

  24. Tasha says:

    I love this article. It hits every single detail about what goes on in these kind of relationships. This has helped me drastically.

    Thank you.

  25. Dimitri says:

    Yangki, I look back and regret that I did not focus more on “we”. Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference in that she would have still broken up with me but it would have made me a much better partner. Too bad there’s no re-do’s in life.

  26. Sometimes life does give us second chances…(:

    Until someone makes it so clear that it is indeed “O-V-E-R” (not swinging back and forth) or is happy in a new relationship, there is always a chance to do it right the second time round.

    The catch is that you have to be well positioned to take that chance — or you’ll blow it!

  27. Carrie says:

    My ex says she loves me but she does not want a relationship with me. I have done a lot of changing and growing since our break up, yet she does not appreciate these efforts. She sees them as self-serving manipulation to get her back. It’s so frustrating to do all the work to change and grow and not be acknowledged for one’s efforts. I need her to see that I have really changed and that I love her so much and don’t want to lose her. What more do I need to do?

  28. It’s frustrating when you are doing all this changing and growing but if it’s not working. If part of why you broke up in the first place is because your ex thought you were “self -centered” then it’s only natural that she still sees your efforts in that light. It’ll take a lot of selflessly showing – consistently and over a period of time – that you have genuinely changed for her to believe the changes.

    This takes time and patience. Anything that feels like putting pressure on her to “see that you’ve changed” is going to backfire. Ultimately, if she’s going to come back to you, it’ll be because SHE WANTS to and not because YOU MADE her do it.

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