In Why The Man or Woman You Love Doesn’t Want You: Pt 1 , I explained why it’s important to know and love yourself first before the man or woman you love can love or want you.
It’s one thing to love yourself and know that you are lovable and love worthy and it’s another to be able to express that “best in you” in ways that make others want to know and love you too.
The common approach practiced by many men and women (and taught by many dating and relationship experts) is to decide on the kind of person you want to attract (remember those “want in a perfect partner” lists) and then try to figure out how to get him/her. And may be you’re one of
those people who’ve been reading books, magazine and internet articles and even attending those “How-To-Attract” seminars and workshops. You learned (and have implemented) a few of those hard to get hold of “secret techniques” (put on your best dress/shirt, give your best smile, deliver your best pick-up line or flirtatious moves) and done and said all the romantic stuff (like “yes, honey” or “please, baby” or “thank you, love” etc) but still no joy.
A few good talks, great laughs, memorable times spent together etc., but as you’re falling in love with this wonder man or woman… BAM! The other person pulls away. Your immediate reaction (it’s all you know how-to) is to desperately try to do this or that “technique”, but the more you try to show you love, the more the other person doesn’t want you.
What happened? You were just being yourself alright but you were DOING the dating savvy, equipped with the newest techniques YOU. Whatever is inside of you (insecurity, doubts, anger, shame, sense of inadequacy, neediness or low self-worth etc.) popped up like unwanted ads on your dating/relationship computer screen. The other person didn’t like WHO you were selling and pulled back.
If you’re constantly worrying, analyzing, scheming, manipulating etc., with the hope of “getting it right” (this is what I have to say or I’ve got to call him after the “three days dating rule” etc) with a particular man or woman, you are not BEING yourself but instead DOING yourself.
When this happens there is a “DISCONNECT” in who you are honestly trying to be (on the surface) and “who you really feel you are” (on a deeper level). You and the man or woman you love, may not even realize the exact moment the “disconnect” begins to happen but some how the other person starts to withdraw or simply cuts bail and runs. You are left wondering “where the hell did I go wrong this time, I was just being myself with him/her?” You conclude that the problem must be with him/her and move on to the next person, only for the same thing to happen again, and again, and again…
If something is happening to you over and over, it’s not the men or women you date/have a relationship with, or the techniques you’re using, it’s YOU!
You’ve got to lose yourself to find YOU.
Losing yourself means forgetting what WAS and get excited about what IS. This requires you to re-evaluate yourself (and your beliefs about dating, love, relationships, intimacy, sex etc.,) from time to time and see yourself in a new light every single time.
Losing yourself to find you also requires you to get rid of expectations.
Many of my clients don’t like it when I say to them, “The cause of your pain is not John/Mary”. John isn’t hurting you. You’re hurting yourself. Mary doesn’t upset you. You upset yourself”.
I can see a look of panic in their faces because this is not how they’re used to thinking about their frustration, pain or hurt.
In other words, your expectations are causing you to feel the way you feel. If you go around “just being yourself” (without any expectations) then you’re free to receive with open hands.
For example, if someone doesn’t call after the so called three-day dating rule, you’re not upset. If he or she calls the very next day, you don’t start worrying and overanalyzing if that is a good or bad sign. Remember, people are not placed on earth to meet your expectations.
If you can get into the spirit of BEING yourself instead DOING yourself, you’ll find that you love yourself more. There is a natural ease about you which makes it easy for the people you love and want in your life to love and want to keep you in their lives.