5 Reasons Your Ex Is Contacting You

5-reasons-your-ex-is-contacting-youQuestion: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. The relationship had problems that we couldn’t resolve and she decided it was better to break up. She obviously knows how bad I’m hurting and that there is no point in contacting me since nothing is ever going to work between us. I can’t for the goodness of me figure out what exactly she is hoping to gain by these phone calls other than prolong my misery. I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t she stop calling me so I can get over her and move on with my life?

Yangki’s Answer: There’s really no telling what’s on her mind. It could be any one or more of these reasons:

1) To see if you still love her, still care or are interested in a relationship.

2) She may be feeling guilty for breaking up with you, doesn’t want you to hate her for it and trying to be your “friend” the best way she knows how.

3) For her own ego reasons (to see if she still has a certain effect on you).

4) She is using you as her “security blanket” to shield her from feelings of loneliness until someone else comes along.

5) She thinks she’s offering you the opportunity to try to get her back.  This may be why she hints that she’s somewhat dating but not really (translation: I’m still available but it may not be for long).

These are all possibilities. She is the only one who really knows why she’s doing what she does. But whatever her reasons are, you acting like a reluctant victim strikes me as either someone who doesn’t want this to stop or someone who has always let her have her way and won’t stand up for yourself and what you want.

The first place to start is getting honest with yourself. Do you really want her to stop contacting you or just frustrated that she has not come out straight and told you that she wants you back – or at least given you clear signals that say she wants you back?

If you’re serious about wanting her to stop calling you so you can get over her and move on with your life, then be straight forward with her and just tell her you would appreciate if she ceased all contact so you can move on. The other option — which in my humble opinion is juvenile – is to let her messages go to the answering machine.

No doubt “getting over her and moving on” is a whole lot difficult than it sounds. But if that’s what you want to do, the earlier you start the better for you. If you just let her have her way with you “against your will”, you’ll become more miserable, angry and disgusted with yourself as time goes on.

If on the other hand, you want her back, then I suggest you stop this “why is she doing this to me?!” victim mentality and get down to working on a plan/strategy to get her back while she’s still “somewhat dating but not really”. If you wait too long, she may decide you’re over her and have moved on.  Even then it’ll still be possible to get her back but it’ll require more planning, effort and time when she’s with someone else.

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49 Comments

  • It was a 2 year and 3 month relationship and we’ve been broken up 9 times. I’m so exhausted and now just want to move on but she keeps contacting me. Says she wants to get some kind of closure. We talk for hours but a couple of days later she contacts me again, same thing. She still feels she can’t have closure. At this point I really have no idea what she needs to have closure. It’s been a week since she contacted me and I haven’t replied. What do I do?

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    • Be upfront and direct with her and tell her you want to help her get closure, but you’ve reached a point where you feel there is nothing you can do to help her. You’re exhausted and just want to move on but can’t with her keeping you stuck in the past. You strongly feel that you need to take care of you. Then encourage her to see a local counsellor. She’ll probably feel more betrayed, but what else can you do? If she continues to contact you and you don’t respond, she will know why.

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  • I am in a similar situation. He attempted to contact me many times; I ignored him all times. I’m told by mutual friends that he was asking about me. It’s been over 8 months since we broke up. Do you think he did really love me? Why do you think he was contacting me? What is he thinking?

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    • You ignored his attempts to contact you many times, so why do you care about what he thinks?

      This is the problem with most people using no contact… you want it both ways. Either you admit that you want your ex back and try to get him back, or move on.

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  • i’m in an interesting situation. my ex broke up with me almost 2 months now. i did not contact him for 8 days, in that time he texted me twice, called my phone and left a message that he will not bother me again. i called him back after a day but he did not pick up the phone. i texted him twice and he responded and was positive. we texted for abt 3 days. then i get a text from him saying we should not communicate anymore because he met someone and wants to be faithful to her. do you really think there is someone else or he is just messing with me because i did not contact him for 8 days?

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    • I can’t say with 100% certainty that he is messing with you. It is possible that there is someone else in the picture and he felt guilty that he was in contact with his ex. But it’s also possible that it’s payback for you not responding to his texts.

      What I can say with 100% certainty is that what you did and what he may be doing (if he is paying you back for not responding to his texts) isn’t a healthy way to have a relationship. One of you has to grow up, if this relationship has to have any chance.

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  • You are absolutely right. She’s the kind of person who will start a fight just for the attention. Her constant drama and unwarranted attacks are the reason we broke up. Crazy defintely came back, lol. Thank you for your wise advice.

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  • I have been in no contact for 4 weeks and just this morning got a text from her saying “I hate that it has to be all or nothing” I replied that it’s what is best and she replied “Well, goodbye then.” What do I do now?

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    • You blew her off and she said goodbye. What else is there to do? Unless of course you are willing to swallow your pride and go back on “it’s what is best”. I honestly don’t understand why people like you do things that are against your own best interest…

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  • My ex contacted me 5 times during the time I was in no contact. She said she missed me so much and wants to be in contact with me again. After the 5th text, I gave in and told her I missed her too. We started contact but now I’m the only one always texting and calling her. She replies after a while but she never initiates contact. She posts on her FB photos of her having a good time and she flirts with other guys that comment. But when I comment, she ignores me. I have complained to her about it but she says I’m just being needy and oversensitive. Is it really me being needy and oversensitive or is she playing with me? What do you think?

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    • Both. You were probably needy before the breakup and thought “No Contact” would fix it. She contacted you because she didn’t like feeling rejected by you. When you responded she knew you still had feelings for her and is playing you like a fiddle. You on the other hand, are still the needy guy (nothing changed even with no contact). I’m tempted to think that her ignoring you is payback for you ignoring her the 5 times she contacted you. That’s what you get with mind games… more of the same.

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  • My ex contacted me two days ago after 3 months of no communication between us. I was the one that broke up with him because of his constant lies and game playing. He says he is very sorry about the way he treated me. I don’t want to read too much into this, but does this mean he wants me back?

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    • I think you are asking the wrong question. The right questions should be: Do you want him back?

      If he’s asked for forgiveness, give it to him for your own sake, not his. Then decide for yourself if you want him back or not. If you want him back, I suggest you take things very slow so you can see if he’s changed or not. Some exes pretend to be “sorry” just because they don’t feel good about being rejected. Once they have you back they go back to their old ways or worse, break up with you so it feels like they are the one’s that rejected you.

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  • This is the most sane comment I’ve seen on this topic. My ex and I were together 4 years but last year I lost my job and fell into depression. She broke up with me. I don’t blame her I was hard to live with and even I didn’t like myself. A couple of months ago I found another job and started contacting her. I haven’t told her I want her back but secretly my reason for staying in contact is because I still love her, even though right now I’m not in the most attractive state for her. I’m hoping to get my life together and then ask her out.

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  • My ex contacts me on and off since we broke up 8 months ago. I’ve told him I’ll only continue contact with him if he wants to come back but he said we can never be together again. So why is contacting me?

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    • Who knows what’s going on in his head. One thing is clear, he’s not contacting you because he wants you back. So it’s upto you to decide whether you want him contacting you or stop responding and he’ll get a hint.

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  • My ex-gf left me 3 months ago. For 2 months there was no-contact. Then from nowhere she sends me a text message asking how I was doing. Since then she emails or text messages every now and then. I honestly don’t know what she wants from me. What do you think?

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    • Hard to tell without knowing the background to your relationship and breakup… may be she feels bad about how she left and just trying to make things right so there is no tension between the two of you. May be she misses you and wants you back. May be she just wants to remain friends.

      Why don’t you just let things play out. Over time, you’ll figure out why she’s been contacting you.

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