Question: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. The relationship had problems that we couldn’t resolve and she decided it was better to break up. She obviously knows how bad I’m hurting and that there is no point in contacting me since nothing is ever going to work between us. I can’t for the goodness of me figure out what exactly she is hoping to gain by these phone calls other than prolong my misery. I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t she stop calling me so I can get over her and move on with my life?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: There’s really no telling what’s on her mind. It could be any one or more of these reasons:
1) To see if you still care or that you’ll always be there for her or that she still has a certain effect on you.
2) She may be feeling guilty for breaking up with you, doesn’t want you to hate her for it and trying to be your “friend” the best way she knows how.
3) She is using you as her “security blanket” to shield her from feelings of loneliness until someone else comes along.
4) She thinks she’s offering you the opportunity to try to get her back. This may be why she hints that she’s somewhat dating but not really (translation: I’m still avaialble but it may not be for long).
These are all possibilities. She is the only one who really knows why she’s doing what she does. But whatever her reasons are, you acting like a reluctant victim strikes me as either someone who doesn’t want this to stop or someone who has always let her have her way and won’t stand up for yourself and what you want.
The first place to start is getting honest with yourself. Do you really want her to stop contacting you or just frustrated that she has not come out straight and told you that she wants you back – or at least given you clear signals that say she wants you back?
If you’re serious about wanting her to stop calling you so you can get over her and move on with your life, then be straight forward with her and just tell her you would appreciate if she ceased all contact so you can move on. The other option — which in my humble opinion is juvenile – is to let her messages go to the answering machine.
No doubt “getting over her and moving on” is a whole lot difficult than it sounds. But if that’s what you want to do, the earlier you start the better for you. If you just let her have her way with you “against your will”, you’ll become more miserable, angry and disgusted with yourself as time goes on.
If on the other hand, you want her back, then I suggest you stop this “why is she doing this to me?!” victim mentality and get down to working on a plan/strategy to get her back while she’s still “somewhat dating but not really”. If you wait too long, she may decide you’re over her and have moved on. Even then it’ll still be possible to get her back but it’ll require more planning, effort and time when she’s with someone else.
***Do you have a burning question you’d like to ask an experienced and insightful Dating & Relationships Coach? Here’s your chance. Go to ” Ask a Question” page above and ask away.
Related Articles:
Just Because A Man/Woman Says They Need Space Doesn’t Always Mean The Relationship Is Over
On-And-Off-Again Relationships – How To Stop The Constant Arguing And Fighting
Attracting Your Ex Back – Getting Past “No” To Getting “Yes!”
How Do You Make The Pain Go Away – Letting Go Obsessing About Him/Her?
Originally posted 2009-11-26 06:23:20. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
![Your Ex May Not Be Trying To Be Difficult [Understanding Your Ex]](http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/wp-content/themes/magazine/cropper.php?src=/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/love-doctor_akiteng-303-150x150.jpg&h=50&w=50&zc=1&q=95)
My ex broke with me because he lost feelings for me. Right after we broke up he started contacting me. I told him it would be best if we didn’t contact each other for a while. He stopped for 2/3 and started emailing me again. I want him back but I’m afraid that if I am too forward by asking him if he wants me back that I might create more distance.
I assume that these contacts are not of a romantic nature otherwise you’d not be thinking of asking him if he wants you back and not afraid that any forwardness on your part might create more distance.
Asking him not to contact you won’t bring back feelings he didn’t feel when you were together. A person can’t miss what he doesn’t feel in the first place.
I’d advice you to use the open line of communication to try to re-ignite those feelings he says he has lost. Look back to the time just before the break up, what was missing? What did he say he’d want more of to feel attracted to you? Try to fill those gaps up. If you can INSPIRE him to feel those feelings of attraction again, you’ll not have to ask him if he wants you back. The new feelings of attraction will do the work for you. Won’t be long before he’ll be asking you back!!!
It was a 2 year and 3 month relationship and we’ve been broken up 9 times. I’m so exhausted and now just want to move on but she keeps contacting me. Says she wants to get some kind of closure. We talk for hours but a couple of days later she contacts me again, same thing. She still feels she can’t have closure. At this point I really have no idea what she needs to have closure. It’s been a week since she contacted me and I haven’t replied. What do I do?
Be upfront and direct with her and tell her you want to help her get closure but you’ve reached a point where you feel there is nothing you can do to help her. You’re exhausted and just want to move on but can’t with her keeping you stuck in the past. You strongly feel that you need to take care of you. Then encourage her to see a local counsellor. She’ll probably feel more betrayed, but what else can you do? If she continues to contact you and you don’t respond, she will know why.
My ex didn’t contact me for three months after we broke up. Last week he called and sounded really nice asking about my life and how things have been. Then he went on to tell me he had thought a lot about our relationship. My ex is a self-absorbed narcissist who never before cared about my life or anything about me that did not include him. So I’m just wondering, why after three months of no contact he calls me out of the blue talking like he really cares about me.
You know he didn’t call because he cares about how you’re doing. He called to see if you miss him and to see if you’d jump to get back together. If he is the self-absorbed narcissist you say he is, he’ll contact you again, I’m sure of it.