5 Reasons Your Ex Is Contacting You

5-reasons-your-ex-is-contacting-youQuestion: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. The relationship had problems that we couldn’t resolve and she decided it was better to break up. She obviously knows how bad I’m hurting and that there is no point in contacting me since nothing is ever going to work between us. I can’t for the goodness of me figure out what exactly she is hoping to gain by these phone calls other than prolong my misery. I just don’t get it. Why doesn’t she stop calling me so I can get over her and move on with my life?

Yangki’s Answer: There’s really no telling what’s on her mind. It could be any one or more of these reasons:

1) To see if you still love her, still care or are interested in a relationship.

2) She may be feeling guilty for breaking up with you, doesn’t want you to hate her for it and trying to be your “friend” the best way she knows how.

3) For her own ego reasons (to see if she still has a certain effect on you).

4) She is using you as her “security blanket” to shield her from feelings of loneliness until someone else comes along.

5) She thinks she’s offering you the opportunity to try to get her back.  This may be why she hints that she’s somewhat dating but not really (translation: I’m still avaialble but it may not be for long).

These are all possibilities. She is the only one who really knows why she’s doing what she does. But whatever her reasons are, you acting like a reluctant victim strikes me as either someone who doesn’t want this to stop or someone who has always let her have her way and won’t stand up for yourself and what you want.

The first place to start is getting honest with yourself. Do you really want her to stop contacting you or just frustrated that she has not come out straight and told you that she wants you back – or at least given you clear signals that say she wants you back?

If you’re serious about wanting her to stop calling you so you can get over her and move on with your life, then be straight forward with her and just tell her you would appreciate if she ceased all contact so you can move on. The other option — which in my humble opinion is juvenile – is to let her messages go to the answering machine.

No doubt “getting over her and moving on” is a whole lot difficult than it sounds. But if that’s what you want to do, the earlier you start the better for you. If you just let her have her way with you “against your will”, you’ll become more miserable, angry and disgusted with yourself as time goes on.

If on the other hand, you want her back, then I suggest you stop this “why is she doing this to me?!” victim mentality and get down to working on a plan/strategy to get her back while she’s still “somewhat dating but not really”. If you wait too long, she may decide you’re over her and have moved on.  Even then it’ll still be possible to get her back but it’ll require more planning, effort and time when she’s with someone else.

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51 Comments

  • Yangki, my ex contacted me after 2 years of no contact. He has not directly said he wants me back but he keeps bringing up how we used to be before he cheated. I am torn, should I maintain some form of contact or should I ignore his texts?

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    • Whether to maintain contact or not is up to how you feel about him coming back into your life after 2 years of no contact.

      In case you decide to continue contact, proceed very cautiously. It’s so easy to go with your emotions but you don’t know why he’s back after so long, or if he’s changed at all.

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  • Love Doctor, my ex broke up with me 9 months ago. I made a mistake and went on a txt message binge. I also emailed and called him so many times. After a while I just stopped. He never contacted me and I never contacted him. Monday, one before this last one, he contacted me, and left a message for me to give him a call. I called and we decided we can be friends since we still care about each other. We agreed to meet the next day and from the time we met he was all over me and touching me and kissing me and told me he missed me. We fooled around but no sex. Later that night he called saying seeing me made him realize how much he misses me, and asked if he can come over. I said no. The morning after I sent him a text but haven’t from him for 5 days. Does he still love me or want to get back to together? Should I continue talking to him? Please help.

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    • I don’t know if he still loves you or not, but from his actions it does seem like his contacting you was all about sex. First he agrees to being friends, then he’s all over you as soon as he sees you, then later in the night he makes a booty call and when you turn him down he disappears!

      Whether you keep contact or not is up to you but if you do, don’t do so with the false hope that the reason he made contact was because he wants you back. Someone who wants you back does not act the way your ex is acting.

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  • Yangki, what about if your ex calls you knowing you would call him back. Then when you call him back he completely ignores you. You text him a couple of times asking if hes okay and he texts back, “I thought I had a blocked missed call from you. Sorry I phoned. Cheers!”

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    • First time he did it, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s possible he genuinely thought he had a missed blocked call. It’s also possible that he has a good explanation for not calling or texting back.

      Remember, he’s your ex, he doesn’t have to call you back or respond to your texts immediately, or even ever.

      If he did it again or did something similar, I’d know he’s playing mind games and completely ignore him.

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  • I had a 6 months relationship with a guy I met online and everything was perfect. Then one day he said he just didn’t feel the spark any more. I didn’t beg or anything because he made it very clear that he didn’t love me anymore. After 4 months of being apart I started to date someone new. Shortly after he sent me a very long email basically saying he’s had lots of time to think and figure things out and that he wants to give us another try. I told him I was touched but didn’t think there is any future for us. A couple of days ago he sent me a text to let me know that he is also seeing someone and wanted me to find out from him instead of someone else. I have no idea where his head is at.

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  • My ex didn’t contact me for three months after we broke up. Last week he called and sounded really nice asking about my life and how things have been. Then he went on to tell me he had thought a lot about our relationship. My ex is a self-absorbed narcissist who never before cared about my life or anything about me that did not include him. So I’m just wondering, why after three months of no contact he calls me out of the blue talking like he really cares about me.

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    • You know he didn’t call because he cares about how you’re doing. He called to see if you miss him and to see if you’d jump to get back together. If he is the self-absorbed narcissist you say he is, he’ll contact you again, I’m sure of it.

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  • I’m in tears reading this. I wish I had read it a month ago. I used the no contact rule and my ex started contacting me constantly. I did not respond until after 3 months of no contact. I contacted him and he was very excited to hear from me. he called me right away and asked me to meet him for lunch and after that we went out, kissed and got sexually intimate. Then he started playing games with me, not picking up the phone or pretending to be sleepy and not wanting to talk. I went no contact again and he sent me a text “Missing you”. I responded after 2 days asking him why he was doing this to me. It’s been over a month, no contact from him.

    No contact will bring him back to see where you are and if you are still in love with him.

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    • I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way that he didn’t “come back” because of no contact, he came back to prove a point to himself. Like I’ve said it elsewhere, anytime you employ a strategy/approach that appeals to the ego, it always doesn’t end well.

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  • It was a 2 year and 3 month relationship and we’ve been broken up 9 times. I’m so exhausted and now just want to move on but she keeps contacting me. Says she wants to get some kind of closure. We talk for hours but a couple of days later she contacts me again, same thing. She still feels she can’t have closure. At this point I really have no idea what she needs to have closure. It’s been a week since she contacted me and I haven’t replied. What do I do?

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    • Be upfront and direct with her and tell her you want to help her get closure, but you’ve reached a point where you feel there is nothing you can do to help her. You’re exhausted and just want to move on but can’t with her keeping you stuck in the past. You strongly feel that you need to take care of you. Then encourage her to see a local counsellor. She’ll probably feel more betrayed, but what else can you do? If she continues to contact you and you don’t respond, she will know why.

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  • I am in a similar situation. He attempted to contact me many times; I ignored him all times. I’m told by mutual friends that he was asking about me. It’s been over 8 months since we broke up. Do you think he did really love me? Why do you think he was contacting me? What is he thinking?

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    • You ignored his attempts to contact you many times, so why do you care about what he thinks?

      This is the problem with most people using no contact… you want it both ways. Either you admit that you want your ex back and try to get him back, or move on.

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  • i’m in an interesting situation. my ex broke up with me almost 2 months now. i did not contact him for 8 days, in that time he texted me twice, called my phone and left a message that he will not bother me again. i called him back after a day but he did not pick up the phone. i texted him twice and he responded and was positive. we texted for abt 3 days. then i get a text from him saying we should not communicate anymore because he met someone and wants to be faithful to her. do you really think there is someone else or he is just messing with me because i did not contact him for 8 days?

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    • I can’t say with 100% certainty that he is messing with you. It is possible that there is someone else in the picture and he felt guilty that he was in contact with his ex. But it’s also possible that it’s payback for you not responding to his texts.

      What I can say with 100% certainty is that what you did and what he may be doing (if he is paying you back for not responding to his texts) isn’t a healthy way to have a relationship. One of you has to grow up, if this relationship has to have any chance.

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