Question: Women complain that men do not contact them after a date and play hard to get. But when they find a guy who shows them his true feelings and does not play hard to get they complain that he is too nice because he does not play hard to get. Most women I’ve dated start playing hard to get which is frustrating to guys like me not interested in these childish never ending games.
What I don’t understand is what’s wrong with showing someone that you love them? If I love a woman why can’t I tell her I love her and show her how I feel? It just feels like I can’t be my true self. Why say that you need a man who can show his true feelings and at the same time want someone who plays hard to get? It sends off a lot of mixed signals.
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I agree with you 100% that some of the games men and women play are self-defeating. But I want to specifically address the “showing someone that you love them” because this is what causes the frustration you feel.
What is wrong with watering a plant? Nothing. What’s wrong with not watering it or giving it too little water? You kill it. What’s wrong with over watering it? You kill it. All the non-stop attention, displays of affection, countless calls, email, and needy text messages are like over watering a plant. Most people (men and women) interpret this as you giving too much because you need too much. Most are turned off by the pressure to give back as much as they’re getting. You do not need to verbalize that you want him/her to give you anything back in return, it’s just a given of life that when we get something we want to give something back to show our appreciation (for most “normal” people anyways). But when we get so much more than we can give back, we feel pressured. Often times this feeling pressured to give back turns into feeling guilty for not being able to give back as much as we’re receiving.
If you’re lucky, a woman will tell you that you’re trying too hard and need to step back a little. But most women will say “no thank you” even if you have all the qualities she’s looking for in a guy. The pressure to give or the guilt of not being able to give back overrides the other advantages you may have.
Here is where it gets even more complicated for the guys. Society generally socializes us to expect men to have more control of their emotions. They are supposed to be the gender that steps up and gets things done. If a woman can’t trust you to regulate your own emotions, it means that she can’t trust you to step up and lead and take control of situations where you’re required to put your own emotions aside and get the job done.
That said there are men and women who just like playing games because it somehow makes them feel good about themselves. If someone is more interested in playing games than in a creating a healthy give and take balance, then that person just does not want you, period. Do not get pulled into junior high school drama type behavior. There are better things you can do with your life.
If on the other hand she feels pressured because you’re trying to hard/giving too much and asks you to step back a little, do not get upset, angry and frustrated because you feel rejection. Step back a little (a.k.a. I need space) is not always “go away”.
It’s all about regulating emotions and actions; knowing when and when not to water the plant and how much water is too much water at any given point in time. At least that’s the way I teach it in my eBook.
You can also read more about “How To Play Hard The Love Way, The Right Way” in the articles section (button above).
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i ignore women who play hard to get. a few days later they’re calling me.
My gf was playing hard to get and i ignored her for two weeks. When I contacted her again she said she thought I was pissed off with her and since I did not have the balls to tell her why she’d accepted it and moved on. I had to do a lot of *begging* to restart the relationship. Ignoring someone can backfire.
Wait 3-4 days before you call her. Don’t always answer when she calls. Pretend you don’t really like her. This works for me.
In my 20s I had the time to play games. Now I don’t feel like wasting time on games. I tell women exactly how I feel and ask how they feel. If she’s not sure of her feelings for me or not interested, I move on. I have no time nor tolerance for games.
I agree that if you really love somebody it doesn’t make any sense to pretend that you don’t. But I also believe that a little positive mystery here and there does bring some excitement and freshness to a relationship.
A guy goes to a store to buy his woman a birthday gift. He picks out a pair of gold earrings but says “no” when the shop attendant asks if she can gift wrap it. Instead he puts the earrings in his pocket. He calls his woman on his cell, “Honey” I know it’s your birthday. I’m at the jewelry store and I just bought you a pair of gold earrings. They cost me 267.83 bucks. I’ll give them to you later at dinner. I reserved us a table at Joe & Kate’s Hideout. At the dinner table he pulls out the gold earrings from his coat pocket, holds them in front of her face and says, “Happy birthday. If you like the earrings you can keep them, if not, I’ll take them back to the store and get back my money”.
Do you think this woman is going to look forward to her next birthday?????
My point is, a little mystery adds “value” to an experience and whether we aware of it or not, almost all of us play the “Mystery Game” in some form or another. The question is with whom, why, when and most importantly how. These are the questions I address in my eBook.
I quickly lose interest in a woman who isn’t making an effort. Disappearing off the radar thinking that will make me more interested is delusional.
Good for you. Women who do the disappearing act are not playing hard to get, they’re “playing impossible to find”
I understand what you are saying love doctor. If one does not play hard to get he comes off as needy or desperate. So I have to act as though I don’t care how a woman feels and my indifference makes her interested.
I’m actually saying the exact opposite. When a needy and/or desperate person tries to play hard to get it can be incredibly annoying and frustrating because they are trying to get attention by giving the impression that they don’t care or are too busy. This sends the wrong signals.
If a woman plays like she is not interested I just assume she’s not interested, and move on.
My glitch I guess is that I haven’t figured out yet how to play hard back and at the same time keep a woman’s attention.
i am the type of person who is pretty straight forward with my feelings, but i’m not exactly a needy person either. i think that space in a relationship is very important. Especially if you just met the person. The whole mind games trick is pretty easy. Be straight forward and call them out on it, they get embarassed and sometimes feel so guily they apologize. lol.
Playing hard to get the right way is not about “space” but rather about building up enough intrigue, mystery and excitement. You can give a man or woman all the space in the world but if there is no apparent or sincere hint of fun and enjoyment, excitement and adventure or attraction and arousal, all the straightforwardness and “space” in the world won’t make a difference.
Men are chasers, women get caught. It’s the inate nature of the man/woman dynamic. So guys, please don’t confuse your gender role and go out there and be a man…let her know you like her, call her, woo her. Don’t be playing games. Desperation is one thing, but most of you have a long way to go in the realm of treating a woman well before you come off as desperate. Only insecure women who are used to being treated poorly will be lured by a remote, unavailable man.
“Men are chasers, women get caught. It’s the inate nature of the man/woman dynamic”
Says who? Those kind of old wives tales are everyday being busted by reality/experience. Even in the wild game life of Africa where much is still “inate”, females do chase males just like males chase females… so please let’s move in to the 21st Century.
Insecurity, fear of rejection, emotional timidity/immaturity, lack of self and sexual confidence on both sides of the gender divide is what makes men and women play mind games… and what makes most women leave it to the men to do the chasing. With words like “be a man” it’s easy to make him think it’s all his fault she’s not getting “caught”…
Moreover some women who say “be a man” and do the chasing are not even worth the chase or catching. As I always say, If I were a guy and a woman told me “be a man… chase me”, I’d tell her “be a woman… make it worth my time and effort!” and if she started playing disappearing silly games… I’d let her play all by herself until she realizes she’s not worth the chase because she does not know how to make a man chase her.
It takes two to tango! Both sides should stop playing the silly mind games and be real… may be then we will have better man/woman relationships and lower the rate of divorce.
Men are chasers, women get caught… the active vs. the passive!
How could it be?
Both genders carry the active and the passive. When the woman is lying down a trap to lure a man (any man) into chasing her, it is already a big psychological activity and it is often the man who gets caught if he lacks awareness on those mind games.
She does not want to take the risk and she won’t take the risk of rejection… but at the same time she wants to get the confirmation that she is hot while not returning his any kind of admiration. So, this situation can only be satisfied if (as an absolute prerequisite) the man is conditioned to chase her whether it is his innate nature or not (which in this case is irrelevant).
Such mind game will end up like a war game and when love becomes a war, both parties miss the fundamentals. Both are wasting their precious time mutually messing with each other’s mind…