My Ex Says She Does Not Want To Be In A Relationship

my-ex-says-she-is-not-ready-for-a-relationshipQuestion:In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together.  Fortunately, she’s still responding positively to all my contacts, thanks to your eBook. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?

Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say you want her back — but at this point in the process it might just alienate her further since she’s said she’s not in a position to get back into the relationship.

She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, steer the conversation towards a different and better future.  The formula is: I recognize where we had problems… this is what needs to change for things to be different… this is how I am doing my part changing the dynamics between us… this is what the future will look like.

These are NOT words you say to your ex (the way I’ve stated it here, you’ll come across as “weird”). This is a mental formula you keep in your head for all your contacts. And you don’t have to directly include him or her in the future, instead describe the future in such away that she can see him/herself in it — and want it. If she doesn’t see herself thinking, feeling and doing things differently (in a better way) from the old relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.

But you also have to go beyond talking — words are cheap. You have to show her how it’s going to happen by doing the things you said will make the relationship different!

As you can see it doesn’t happen over night — but the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.

A word of caution here for others reading this response.  I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to commn=unicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.

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  • She tried to talk me out of it saying she did not want us to become strangers but I went ahead with n/c anyway. Ever since, she has been ice cold and indifferent. I’ve reached out to her with letters or email about once every couple weeks, which seems to make her even angrier. Yesterday she sent me an email saying she just wants me to leave her alone. In hindsight, I wish I had never did n/c. My little boy reaction of fear of rejection seems to have created the reality. At this point, I’ve lost all hope of ever getting her back. I don’t think anything will change her mind.

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    • Given that she asked you not to cut off all contact after the break up and you did it anyway, I’m sure she feels her indifference is justified.

      My advice for you is to step back, just stop trying to get her back, but don’t close the door behind you either. Don’t say, I’m moving on or something to that effect. Just go on living your life and not try to pursue her or expect her to pursue you. This alone will not change her mind but it will at least show that you respect her wish to leave her alone.

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    • I agree with you that hardest part of this process is not knowing what the other is thinking. It’s even harder when you can’t make up your mind as to what you really want to do – move on or try to get your ex back. You can’t have it both ways. The more energy and time you spend moving back and forth, the less energy and time you have to focus on either one. That’s when you feel really stuck.

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  • This is exactly what I needed to read for some positive reinforcement!

    “Be demonstrative, but do it with dignity.”

    Thanks for this and all of your other wonderful articles, Doc.

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  • Yangki, you’re so right about responding instead of reacting. My ex and I had an incident a couple of days ago where I felt that he was trying to push my buttons. He always complained that I fight nasty and act defensive for no reason. In this incident, I took a deep breath and instead of getting defensive sent a text back keeping it factual as I needed to be without being nasty. He responded with “Wow! what did you do with my ex?” and a smiley.

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    • There is no way of knowing what anyone thinks unless they tell you. But you can try to figure out how they feel by their actions. For example: if she makes an effort to keep contact with you, you can tell she still has a positive view of you; if she’s asking friends about your dating life, it’s likely that she still thinks there might be a chance or that you’re still not over her; if she asks to see you face to face, it means she’s once again comfortable in your physical space and might even mean that she’s actually interested in finding out if the “chemistry” is still there. etc.

      This article will also help: 5 Signs Your Ex Is Becoming Interested Again

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  • Yangki, my ex and I have been broken up for 2 months. I read your site and maintained contact, we text each other just to say hi and catch up. Yesterday he asked if im seeing someone and i asked why he was asking me, he said he just wanted to know. Why do you think he asked if im seeing someone?

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    • 1) He may be thinking of the two of you getting back together and wanted to see if you were still available, 2) he asked knowing very well that you are not dating anyone and just wanted to see how you’d respond, or 3) he heard rumours and wanted to give you the opportunity to tell him yourself.

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  • For the last 2 months we’ve been trying to get back together, but she keeps saying she does not think we’re a match for each other. She acknowledges that I’m again the man she first fell in love with but says we’re not the same people we were three years ago. I don’t understand why if I’m again the original man she fell in love with, why can’t things go back to how they used to be?

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    • I understand your frustration, but I have to agree with her. Most people think that going back to the past will help a struggling relationship and to some degree it does, but as she says, people evolve and what they want and need changes with time. What was good enough three years ago, may not be good enough now.

      So if you really want to make this work, meet her at where she is NOW instead of trying to get things back to how they used to be.

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