Question:In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up the subject of getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not in a position to get back into the relationship. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together and regretted it the moment the words came out of my mouth. I made a lot of mistakes when we were together and really need to show her I’m working on me.
Fortunately, she’s still responding positively to all my contacts and I am using this space to try and warm things up. But she’s still scared to open up to me, of course. I don’t blame her at all. I didn’t realize the damage that was being done to the relationship until it was too late. Under these circumstances, is it still possible to make this relationship work?” I would LOVE to talk to her on phone but don’t know what I should talk about when I call her. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say you want her back — but at this point in the process it might just alienate her further since she’s said she’s not in a position to get back into the relationship. And you can’t just go to someone and say, “I want us to have a fresh start”, she may think, “How?” or Yeah right, it is still the old you. Nothing has changed!”
Your ex needs more than just the hope of a fresh, exciting and better relationship with you; your ex needs to believe — in one way or another – that a different, better relationship is possible.
She has to believe that things will be…
Different and better because you fully “get it” – You recognize that there were problems with the relationship, fully understand what those problems are, how you contributed to the problems and are doing/have done work to make sure that the problems do not continue.
Different and better because you are different and better – You have done a lot of work on yourself and are capable of giving him/her what he/she needs and wants now and in the future.
This is what your contacts need to be about and not so much about “how long before you make contact” and “when should you make contact”. The truth is, you can work so hard on “perfect timing” of contacts but still end nowhere if your contacts are not making an impact.
So whenever you can, steer the conversation towards a different and better future. The formula is: I recognize where we had problems… this is what needs to change for things to be different… this is how I am doing my part changing the dynamics between us… this is what the future will look like.
These are NOT words you say to your ex (the way I’ve stated it here, you’ll come across as “weird”). This is a mental formula you keep in your head for all your contacts. And you don’t have to directly include him or her in the future, instead describe the future in such away that she can see him/herself in it — and want it. If she doesn’t see herself thinking, feeling and doing things differently (in a better way) from the old relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.
But you also have to go beyond talking — words are cheap. You have to show her how it’s going to happen by doing the things you said will make the relationship different!
As you can see it doesn’t happen over night — but the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.
A word of caution here for others reading this response. I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to commn=unicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.