My Ex Says She’s Not Ready For A Relationship

my-ex-says-she-is-not-ready-for-a-relationshipQuestion:In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together.  Fortunately, she’s still responding positively to all my contacts, thanks to your eBook. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?

Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say you want her back — but at this point in the process it might just alienate her further since she’s said she’s not in a position to get back into the relationship.

She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, steer the conversation towards a different and better future.  The formula is: I recognize where we had problems… this is what needs to change for things to be different… this is how I am doing my part changing the dynamics between us… this is what the future will look like.

These are NOT words you say to your ex (the way I’ve stated it here, you’ll come across as “weird”). This is a mental formula you keep in your head for all your contacts. And you don’t have to directly include him or her in the future, instead describe the future in such away that she can see him/herself in it — and want it. If she doesn’t see herself thinking, feeling and doing things differently (in a better way) from the old relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.

But you also have to go beyond talking — words are cheap. You have to show her how it’s going to happen by doing the things you said will make the relationship different!

As you can see it doesn’t happen over night — but the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.

A word of caution here for others reading this response.  I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to commn=unicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.

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  • Yangki, my ex and I have been broken up for 2 months. I read your site and maintained contact, we text each other just to say hi and catch up. Yesterday he asked if im seeing someone and i asked why he was asking me, he said he just wanted to know. Why do you think he asked if im seeing someone?

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    • 1) He may be thinking of the two of you getting back together and wanted to see if you were still available, 2) he asked knowing very well that you are not dating anyone and just wanted to see how you’d respond, or 3) he heard rumours and wanted to give you the opportunity to tell him yourself.

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  • For the last 2 months we’ve been trying to get back together, but she keeps saying she does not think we’re a match for each other. She acknowledges that I’m again the man she first fell in love with but says we’re not the same people we were three years ago. I don’t understand why if I’m again the original man she fell in love with, why can’t things go back to how they used to be?

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    • I understand your frustration, but I have to agree with her. Most people think going to the past will help a struggling relationship and to some degree it does, but as she says, people evolve and what they want and need changes with time. What was good enough three years ago, may not be good enough now.

      So if you really want to make this work, meet her at where she is NOW as opposed to trying to get things back to how they used to be.

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    • I agree with you that hardest part of this process is not knowing what the other is thinking. It’s even harder when you can’t make up your mind as to what you really want to do – move on or try to get your ex back. You can’t have it both ways. The more energy and time you spend moving back and forth, the less energy and time you have to focus on either one. That’s when you feel really stuck.

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  • Yangki, you’re so right about responding instead of reacting. My ex and I had an incident a couple of days ago where I felt that he was trying to push my buttons. He always complained that I fight nasty and act defensive for no reason. In this incident, I took a deep breath and instead of getting defensive sent a text back keeping it factual as I needed to be without being nasty. He responded with “Wow! what did you do with my ex?” and a smiley.

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    • Good for you! Sometimes a familiar reaction is exactly what your ex is looking for. If you react as he expects, it sends a message that nothing has changed.

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  • Yangki, I agree 100% with everything you said above. However, I think you miss one very important point. Just like racism, there is so much more to be gained personally, financially and politically in propagating divisions between men and women. Corporations, Hollywood, the media, politicians, activist groups, authors etc. make millions of dollars from keeping us divided and separate.

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    • Did you say, “millions of dollars”?

      I take back everything I said about us being unique individuals and not just our gender.

      Ladies and gentlemen, Men are from Neptune and Women are from Mercury.

      Now where are my millions of dollars???…(:

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    • I have a lot to say about that, actually…(:

      First of all, I’m one woman who does not think that women are a certain way and men are a certain way. We (men and women) all are unique individuals with our own unique ways of thinking, feeling, acting and reacting. That’s what makes each of us “special”… like no other woman or man.

      I’ve found that women who recognize that each man is uniquely different, and men who recognize that each woman is uniquely different tend to relate better with the opposite sex, and have better, healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Those who think women think/feel/do this, and men think/feel/do that have a harder time attracting and relating to the opposite gender. They are busy looking for “clues” based on what they think women/men are supposed to think/feel/do, and find themselves too confused, too afraid or unable to attract and relate to the opposite gender.

      About pursuing… some people prefer to pursue, some people prefer to be pursued… most people don’t give a crap. If they are into you, it does not matter to them whether they are pursing you or you are pursuing them.

      If they are not into you… whether you pursue them or not, they are just NOT into you.

      It’s that simple. The rest is running around in circles chasing one’s own tail (no pun intended).

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