Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now. Our relationship is great in that we do not fight or have bad arguments. He has introduced me to his family and to his friends and they know me as his girl. But I feel like we are neither here nor there. I’ve given him all the nonverbal hints that I want him to propose to me and even hinted to him that I’m open to living together if it leads to marriage. A couple of my friends suggested I propose to him instead but it’d mean so much more to me if he is the one who proposes.
Also if I propose I’m not sure what he’ll say and I’m scared that he might react badly and we lose what we have. Do you think it’s a good idea for me to propose to him instead? I need some advice. Please help!
Yangki’s Answer: What I think doesn’t really matter. Many women have proposed to men and some are happily married 20 plus years later. It makes very little difference who proposes if two people already are thinking in that direction and are both ready to get married.
What matters here is how you feel about proposing to him whether he says “yes” or “no”. Are you doing it because you are tired of waiting for him to pop the big question or because you truly believe it’s okay for a woman to propose to a man – and it is what you want to do?
If it’s because you’re tired of waiting for the proposal, I suggest that you hold off asking — at least for now. A proposal should make you feel really special and if asking him takes that away or kills the magic moment, it’ll create “disgruntled” feelings which will cause some problems down the road — if he says yes.
So what more can you do short of asking him to marry you?
In my experience in this field, most men and women propose when they come to that point where they feel it’s the right thing to do – assuming your man has no issues with commitment. And sometimes it’s a matter of providing the right inspiration someone needs to make up his mind.
To get what the “right inspiration” is for your individual man, you need to know /understand what his views are on commitment, engagement and marriage, children etc. Find ways to casually bring up a conversation that involves these topics. Don’t do the usual “We need to talk” or “Where is this relationship going?” Those words are guaranteed to send most guys running. Instead weave these topics into conversations about what’s most important to you in a relationship (as opposed to what you look for in a partner), what plans you have for your future (as an individual not couple) etc. Then ask for his input. If he is thinking in the same direction as you, he’ll offer his own views, opinions, plans etc. If he avoids the topic altogether, it may be that he is uncomfortable sharing himself at that level because that’s not the direction he’s thinking or wants to go.
Once you have a fairly accurate assessment of what inspires him, try making steps towards a more serious commitment bit by bit instead of forcing all of it into one single do-or-die moment.
If on the other hand, you’re okay with the idea of a woman to proposing to a man – and it is what you want to do, initiate the conversation about taking things to the next level — especially if you’re sure that’s what he wants too. It’s your life and what you want matters too.
Keep in mind that some men need more than “subtle” hints. Some of the not so subtle hints others have used include:
— “I like what we have and would like to have more experiences with you”
–“I want to get married in two years and start a family. Where do you see yourself in say five years?”
— “I can’t believe (sister/best friend/colleague) is getting married. We’d always thought I’d be the one to get married first”
— “How would you feel about us getting engaged next Summer/Christmas/Valentine’s day?”
Bottom line, you can’t make anyone do what they already don’t want to do, but you can inspire/help someone do what they were already thinking of doing – and do it sooner. Who knows may be he’s just waiting for the right moment.
I really hope it happens for you, but in the meantime enjoy your relationship and make the most of what love has to offer.
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