Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years now. Our relationship is great in that we do not fight or have bad arguments. He has introduced me to his family and to his friends and they know me as his girl. But I feel like we are neither here nor there. I’ve given him all the nonverbal hints that I want him to propose to me and even hinted to him that I’m open to living together if it leads to marriage. A couple of my friends suggested I propose to him instead but it’d mean so much more to me if he is the one who proposes.
Also if I propose I’m not sure what he’ll say and I’m scared that he might react badly and we lose what we have. Do you think it’s a good idea for me to propose to him instead? I need some advice. Please help!
The Love Doctor’s Answer: What I think doesn’t really matter. Many women have proposed to men and some are happily married 20 plus years later. It makes very little difference who proposes if two people already are thinking in that direction and are both ready to get married.
What matters here is how you feel about proposing to him whether he says “yes” or “no”. Are you doing it because you are tired of waiting for him to pop the big question or because you truly believe it’s okay for a woman to propose to a man – and it is what you want to do?
If it’s because you’re tired of waiting for the proposal, I suggest that you hold off asking — at least for now. A proposal should make you feel really special and if asking him takes that away or kills the magic moment, it’ll create “disgruntled” feelings which will cause some problems down the road — if he says yes.
So what more can you do short of asking him to marry you?
In my experience in this field, most men and women propose when they come to that point where they feel it’s the right thing to do – assuming your man has no issues with commitment. And sometimes it’s a matter of providing the right inspiration someone needs to make up his mind.
To get what the “right inspiration” is for your individual man, you need to know /understand what his views are on commitment, engagement and marriage, children etc. Find ways to casually bring up a conversation that involves these topics. Don’t do the usual “We need to talk” or “Where is this relationship going?” Those words are guaranteed to send most guys running. Instead weave these topics into conversations about what’s most important to you in a relationship (as opposed to what you look for in a partner), what plans you have for your future (as an individual not couple) etc. Then ask for his input. If he is thinking in the same direction as you, he’ll offer his own views, opinions, plans etc. If he avoids the topic altogether, it may be that he is uncomfortable sharing himself at that level because that’s not the direction he’s thinking or wants to go.
Once you have a fairly accurate assessment of what inspires him, try making steps towards a more serious commitment bit by bit instead of forcing all of it into one single do-or-die moment.
If on the other hand, you’re okay with the idea of a woman to proposing to a man – and it is what you want to do, initiate the conversation about taking things to the next level — especially if you’re sure that’s what he wants too. It’s your life and what you want matters too.
Keep in mind that some men need more than “subtle” hints. Some of the not so subtle hints others have used include:
– “I like what we have and would like to have experiences with you”
–“I want to get married in two years and start a family. Where do you see yourself in say five years?”
– “I can’t believe (sister/best friend/colleague) is getting married. We’d always thought I’d be the one to get married first”
– “How would you feel about us getting engaged next Summer/Christmas/Valentine’s day?”
Bottom line, you can’t make anyone do what they already don’t want to do, but you can inspire/help someone do what they were already thinking of doing – and do it sooner. Who knows may be he’s just waiting for the right moment.
I really hope it happens for you, but in the meantime enjoy your relationship and make the most of what love has to offer.
***Do you have a burning question you’d like to ask an experienced and insightful Dating & Relationships Coach? Here’s your chance. Go to ” Ask Me” page above and ask away.
Related Articles:
How To Get A Man To Commit
10 Warning Signs He Is Not Committing To You Anytime Soon
Fear Of Commitment Explained: No Situation Is Hopeless
Red Flags – You’re In A Committed Relationship With An Uncommitted Partner
Should You Dump A Commitment Phobe? Not Before You Read This
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I disagree with the answer to this question. You do not have to tip-toe around the situation. This is your life too and some guys just need a bat on the head to get motivated. No more hints, what you need is shock him. Give him a deadline and if he calls you bluff and does not propose, move on. There is someone out there for you who will propose and marry you. Fish or cut bait.
Popeye, I know a lot of women who gave a deadline and the man finally proposed. I also know a lot of women who gave a deadline and he walked. If you give him a deadline and chicken out, how do you expect him to take you seriously on anything else, let alone respect you? It comes down to what one is willing to risk. The lady who asked this question obviously is uncomfortable with “deadlines”. Often times, it’s best to follow one’s own instincts.
Guys just don’t react well to being pressured. I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum and ended up breaking up with him because he still wasn’t ready. Now six months later, I’m still trying to get him back. Dating other guys made me realize how good I had with him. I’ll do anything to get him back.
She has put me on a time line of a year to get married or lose her. I want to be with her but I want to do things right. So I’ve told her that marriage is not all about one person and if she can’t wait then it’s not going to work.
Very well stated. As long as she knows it’ll someday happen, you just want to do it right, I think you’ll be okay — both of you.
First it was “propose or I’m leaving”.
Then it was, “set a date or I’m leaving”.
Finally it was, “impregnate me or I’m leaving”. He did.
Oh and she still thinks the ultimatum worked.
I was surfing around for my situation and found your blog. I did ask her to marry me and she said she’ll think about it. Three months and she’s still thinking and I’m still waiting and it’s frustrating. Everyone tells me I should give her an ultimatum but I already know an ultimatum will do no good, and an ultimatum is not right anyway. If we’re already doing all of the stuff that married couples do, why not just take that extra step and get married?
Good question. May be it’s not “marriage” that she is not ready for. Some people feel that if a couple is doing all the things married couples do then they’re pretty committed and don’t need a ring, title and piece of paper to qualify their commitment. Instead of talking about “engagement,” try to understand her reasons for not wanting to take that step. If your relationship is really secure, then there can be no damage done by talking about what marriage means to each of you – philosophies, connotations, expectations, fears, hang ups etc. Chances are you’ll come up with an arrangement that satisfies both of you. But you have to openly and honestly talk about it.
I admit I judge people when I hear a woman proposed. It’s more romantic if a man proposes. A woman doing the asking shows she’s desperate. Also there is no way I’m going to live with a guy without ever getting married. It’s a superficial thing but the ring, wedding, title and everything that comes with marriage matters to me and so many women.
I admire you candidness but you know as they say, one man’s meat is another man’s poison… or should I say one woman’s meat…
I like The Love Doctor’s Answer. I too think if anything you have to gently encourage him and whatever happens happens.
Give him an ultimatum. Worked for my sister and she’s been married 2 years now.
My girlfriend of two years just broke it off with me over the phone again with its not you it’s me same old excuse. Last time she broke up with me it was because she wanted me to propose to her. She said she dropped “hints” but any woman with common sense knows that hints DONT WORK on most guys. Funny thing is, I was finally getting to making it permanent with her but guess if she thinks breaking up with me is the way to get me to do it, then she really doesn’t know me. I’m not going to propose to a woman who doesn’t understand me.
He wanted to get married within a month of our first date. I did not feel it was right to rush things. Now I want to get married and he says he is not ready and feels that he may never get married. I have walked away from him for the time being and may be he’ll freak out when he realizes he could lose me forever.
I sincerely hope things go the way you hope they will. But sometimes it helps to be realistic about these things. You do realize that things could go the opposite direction too — he realizes he could live without you forever. Walking away is NOT the path I would have advised you to take, but since you’re already on it, I suggest that you don’t just spend your days “waiting”. Fill up your life with things that make you happy and positive and whatever happens, happens. The alternative is to swallow your pride, go back and try to work things from the inside. Get to understand why he says he may never get married, and see if you can help him move past whatever is making him feel that way.
My boyfriend and I own a house together (almost two years), and we have been together for over three years. Recently we were discussing marriage, again, and he expressed that he still isn’t sure if he wants to marry me, but he wants to get married, so he wants me to give him a deadline of when to decide if he wants to marry me by. When the day comes (next wednesday), he will make a decision. What am I supposed to make of that??
Some people are like that. They’ll never make a major decision because they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong one. They let others make decisions for them or until they’re pressured to do it. That way, if it happens to be the wrong one, they can always feel they’re not to blame or they did not make it voluntarily. I explain some of this in my article: Fear Of Commitment Explained: No Situation Is Hopeless
Obviously, you already gave him the ultimatum (Wednesday). You can read a lot of what this means from his behaviour after you gave him the deadline, did he get closer or pull away…