Dealing With Uncertainity When Trying To Get Back Your Ex

what-are-your-chances-getting-back-your-exOne of the questions that comes up in almost all my phone sessions is, “Do I have a chance” or “What are my chances?”

There are relationships where it’s obvious that no amount of time or effort will make an ex want to give the relationship another chance. It is over, OVER.

But there are many more relationships where the chances of getting back together are very good, but someone fails to get back their ex because they moved too fast, pushed too hard.

They know they should take things slow. They tell themselves to take things slow. They even tell their ex, “I want us to take things slow and see where it goes”. But one day they are calm, cool and collected and the next, they are all panicky, anxious and pushy. In the end, they fail to get their ex back not because they didn’t have a chance, but because they blew their chance.

Because I do this everyday, all year round, and have done it for years, I can tell over 90% of the time who is likely to blow off his/her chances and who has the ability to see things through to a successful end. And when I am asked “Do I have a chance” or “What are my chances?”,  I tell the person, “You have a good chance. My worry though is that you’ll blow that chance”.

I have come up with this three categories to help you see for yourself if you are hurting your chances of getting back together.

1. Individual who perceive relationship uncertainty and unpredictability as upsetting and threatening.

Your natural and habitual way of reacting to relationship uncertainty and unpredictability is to obsess about unrealistic and exaggerated likely negative outcomes. The more obsessed you are with “preparing for the worst”, the more you exaggerate the “looming threat”.

Even when things are actually going well for you, you start unnecessary arguments and drama because you are constantly worried something is going to go wrong — and it does!

2. Individuals who literally “freeze” when they feel they are not in control.

Not-knowing what the future will bring and not being able to control that future literally freezes your usual ability to think rationally, make rational decisions or take rational actions.

Your natural and habitual way of reacting to relationship uncertainty is turn away from what you perceive is the “source of uncertainty” (e.g. your ex), or attack the person you perceive is the problem or is responsible for your heightened feelings of anxiety, anger and emotional upset.

The more focused you are on what you can’t control, the more overwhelming and fearful the “future” looks.

3. Individuals who perceive relationship uncertainty as opportunities and “tipping points” that can bridge the gap between today and a preferred future.

Whether by luck of the genes or deliberate training, these individuals are on most part not negatively affected by relationship uncertainty and unpredictability because they are naturally more optimistic and more confident about life – and the future in general.

To them unpredictability and relationship uncertainty is a reminder that nothing in life is set in stone, and that things are subject to change. If managed with care, the experience of not knowing, of not being able to rely on habitual ways of doing things may just be the beginning of something new, something beautiful – a new season.

This focus on a sense of purpose and well-being holds up their positive energy and shelters them from patterns of fear and panic, despair and pessimism. This purpose driven and hopeful attitude to life, uncertainty and the future gives these men and women even more confidence in facing the future with increasing clarity and with greater peace and calm.

Becoming comfortable with expecting the unexpected, and living with relationship uncertainty and unpredictability is really about inviting what scares us and using it to move us further than we could have moved without “a little push” from fear itself.

With so much relationship uncertainty and unpredictability in our world, the choice we all have is: Do you live life panicky, anxious, worrying, complaining, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, irrational, sad, depressed, negative and pessimistic; or do you take the unpredictability and relationship uncertainty and turn it into an opportunity for increased clarity, creativity, greater peace and blessings?

It is good to remember that blessings are not just about money, houses, cars or “things”, but that blessings are good health, happiness, sharing love (freely given to us) and conveying good-will and good feelings towards others — in your own small way, in your own small corner of the world.

How you deal with unpredictability and with uncertain situations in many ways represents your best hope for good health, happiness and love — a well-being that looks with confidence to the future even when you don’t know exactly what that future will look like.

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12 Comments

  • Hello Yangki,

    I am new to your site. I am utterly heartbroken and so as a method to distract myself i came across this site and the posts i found very correctly match with mine.

    I just have one simple question to ask you. Do ex boyfriend’s return? Because in my case i always get this feeling that he will never return. Also he told the same to me. Just wanna know your opinion. Like how can all of a sudden a 10 yr old relationship mean nothing to somebody?

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  • My ex walked out of our 7 year relationship because he doesn’t see a future for us. I told him we can work on our problems but he says everyone keeps telling him that coming back to me will just mean the same old problems all over again. He says he still loves me, but has decided he is not going to spend more time on a relationship. Nothing I say or do seems to convince him that what we had is special and that he is giving up too easily on us. I don’t want to give up, I love him so much. What do I need to do to convince him? Pls. help.

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    • I think you’ve probably done enough (may be even too much) to try to convince him to come back. It’s not working. All you are doing is spinning your wheels.

      Instead of trying to “convince him” to change his mind, show him through consistent action that things will not go back to how they used to be if you got back together. This is his fear right now (and he may be right). Until it is not a concern anymore, he will not want to come back to the relationship, no matter how hard you try to convince him.

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  • Yangki, I’m new to your site and your approach makes so much sense to me. My ex and I were great together. We had no major arguments and were each others best friend. A year ago he got promoted at work and things got a bit stressful for both of us. I told him I was unhappy, he apologized and said it was better to end the relationship because it was not fair to either of us. I told him I needed time to heal and asked he not contact me. He said he understood. We both cried but it was civil, no drama. I have since thought about things and realize I should have been more supportive. I reached out to him and he was happy to hear from me. I hope that with your guidance I can get him back. In addition to the site, I am also going to buy your book.

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    • Reaching out to him is only the first step. But based on what you’ve briefly shared about the relationship, and who you both are, the chances of you getting back together are really good.

      I think this one is worth the effort… 🙂

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  • I suffer from anxiety and my current situation isn’t helping. While I know that being anxious isn’t healthy, and that I should embrace uncertainty with a positive outlook, I find it very hard to do. I can distract myself with other things such as reading or hanging out with friends, but as soon as those things are gone, I fall back to that negative state. And it hurts a lot. How can I help myself overcoming this issue?
    Best regards :).

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    • I completely understand what you mean and wish I could help, but that’s not an area of my expertise. I can only help with “getting back your ex” questions. Your question can be best answered by someone specifically trained to help with the anxiety issues or anxiety disorder (mental health professional like a therapist or psychiatrist).

      No question about it… anxiety does make it harder and in some cases is the reason you will not be able to get back your ex. That’s why you need to get help for your anxiety ASAP.

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      • Thanks for the answer! One sure thing is that your blog is helping me A LOT :).

        The positive aspect is that I am able to not let my fears affect my behaviour in a negative way, so that when I express my needs to her, I use a friendly approach as “I’d like to…” or “I be glad if you…”. Do you think that is a good way? Consider that she restarted contact saying that she totally missed me and our relationship, but after that we didn’t talk about it anymore.

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      • I am glad the site is helping in some way.

        I don’t know if just using “I’d like to…” or “I be glad if you…” helps anything, but if you feel it’s working for you, then do what is working.

        At the end of the day, it’s NOT “how you talk” that will get you back together. What will get you back together is her feeling and thinking the relationship will be different/better.

        If by expressing your needs that way you can show her things will be different/better, then good for you!

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