I Hurt My Ex How Do I Get Her Back?

Question: I broke up with my ex six weeks ago over something really stupid. We were together one year and spent a lot of time together. We enjoyed many of the same things and laughed a lot. I did something that at the time I thought that she over reacted. But after really thinking about it, I can see she had a point and must have felt really terrible about how I treated her. I hurt her very much when I didn’t see how she felt. I kick myself everyday and wish I had reacted differently. I miss her so much. How do I take those first tentative steps to getting her back?

Yangki’s Answer: If you did something really criminal relationship-wise, like cheated on her and/or broke up the relationship to explore a relationship with a mutual friend, she may want nothing to do with you. But if what you did is forgivable, she may be open to giving the  relationship another shot. Some relationships are just meant to be and you will not know if you do not try to find out.

But before you go rushing to get your ex back, you need to do a few things:

1. Take responsibility for your role in the break-up

The more you keep blaming your ex’s (his/her action or his/her issues) for the break-up, the longer it’ll take for your ex to move pas the hurt. Any attempts at an apology will come across as “blaming your ex”.

2. Be willing to do whatever it takes, this may include eating a really humble pie

Just telling your ex you’re truly sorry isn’t going to do it. You must do whatever you need to do to make sure that you do not repeat your mistakes – and that he/she believes that you’ve changed.

3. Find out before hand how he/she feels

Observe his/her expressions and body language when around you. If you haven’t had a chance to meet since the break up and you have mutual friends or you are close to his/her family, ask them if he/she has confided in them whether he/she is open to getting back together. They may even have some ideas for you regarding how you can make the transition easier. However, this is a very risky move especially if the reason you broke up in the first place has to do with trust, or not being open enough. They may see it as your usual “sneaky” self.

Some people try to get back on phone, but a face-to-face meeting is the best approach. You will come across as more sincere if he/she can see your body language.

4. Do not try and make it look like you accidentally bumped into him/her and now want to discuss getting back together

He/she won’t take you seriously. Instead ask to see him/her and explain why. If he/she says “No-way” , at least you have a fair idea that he/she may still be angry at you. Don’t be discouraged though. He/she has the right to hurt. We all do.

5. Try contacting him/her again a few weeks after

My advice is always try at least 4 times (a few weeks in between) before you completely give up. If he/she still does not respond chances are they have moved on. Sorry. No need to make a pest of yourself or start acting like a stalker.

But if he/she responds:

1. Start slow

Do not rush in and try to continue the relationship from where it had stopped. That old relationship is dead, so start dating your ex all over again like the first time you met him or her. Even if you already know tis person, allow time for him or her warm up to you slowly.

2. Hear him/her out

If there were some angry feelings before and after the break-up, do not rush to apologize before you’v heard what the person has to say. Let him/her talk about the hurt, the anger, and all the emotions. Don’t’ try to belittle any of them. People have the right to their emotions even if you do not agree. After they’ve gotten it out they will most likely feel understood and will be willing later on to hear your side of the story.

3. Apologize

Go all out to convey how truly sorry you are. Avoid going into a rant and rave about what he/she did to make you do what you did. It’s self defeating. Let him/her know how dreadful you feel about the whole issue.

4. Promise to start the relationship with a clean slate

Try and set out constructive ideas how you will avoid, at all costs, things ever reaching that state again. Resolve that it will never happen again and work towards it.

5. Woo him/her again

Let him/her know in subtle ways that you will never repeat the mistake. Make the relationship come alive by rekindling the fires. Make him/her feel special. Give him/her many reasons to be deliriously happy.

Now remember these are only the “MOST” important steps, the major ones. There are some more smaller steps between these seven that will ensure that you don’t act like a psycho or be stuck with a head full of useless strategies– and damaging yourself in the process. With careful planning — all big success stories involve planning — you can make your ex realize how important — and valuable — your relationship was and still is.

There Not many people are that fortunate, make it work!

Republished by Blog Post Promoter


    • Haylee says:

      He left me and does not want to get back with me because of what I did. But when I meet him face to face I can tell that the feelings are still there. We hold hands, hug and cuddle and one time, he even admitted to still having feelings for me, but then the next day, he backed off and ignored me for two weeks. I don’t know what to do. We have been broken up for 4 months. Do you think he could still be hurting? I can’t just give up and move on because I still love him very much.

      View Comment

        What you describe seems to be someone who still has feelings for you, but still hurting from what happened. I’m sure you have already apologized, so many times, but an apology is not enough. You have to prove to him that you really understand how you hurt him and trying to get him to “get over it” is the wrong way to do it. Allow him time to process his emotions on his own. This does not mean cut off contact, it means reach out once in a while but don’t actively try to get him back.

        It’s okay to hold his hand, hug and cuddle, but don’t do anything that looks like you are trying to push him into something he is not ready for. Let him know you are there for him and feel your support and presence but with no pressure.

        I don’t know what you did to hurt him… in my opinion but 4 months is a long time for him to still be in such pain. Most people after a couple of months either get over the hurt and try the relationship again or decide to move on. May be there are other things going on that have nothing to do with you, like depression…

        View Comment
    • Jon says:

      I did something really stupid and cheated with a woman I don’t even care about. I love my ex, she’s the most amazing woman and the most important person in my life and I screwed things up with her. I have tried to explain to her that its a one time thing. I am 44 and I have never cheated before and will never cheat again because if feels so awful. She sent me this ” I don’t understand why you did it but it broke me to pieces. I still care about you very much and miss you but I know we can’t fix this. Whatever you do to make it right will never be enough. So take care of yourself.” I wrote her a letter and sent it by mail. it’ll get there is a day or two. What more can I do? I want her back, love doctor, help me.

      View Comment
      • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        I feel for you and wish there is something I could do but you hurt her deeply. Some people can move past betrayal and some can’t. She’s sure she can’t.

        The best thing you can do for both of you is to stop trying to get her to accept your apology. Let her process her emotions on her own, and when she’s ready, or if she’ll ever be, she’ll contact you.

        View Comment


    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *