Thursday October 23rd 2014

How A Strong Successful Woman Can Attract A Good Man

Question: I’m sure you’ve been asked this question many times. I’m a successful independent career woman with everything I want except for a stable relationship with a loving man.

At one time I worked with a love coach who told me that men unless they are feminine energy men lose “respect” (translate attraction) for successful women because successful women put out too much masculine energy. So I’ve been dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do to attract a man, but I don’t feel like myself and I think men sense it too. The ones drawn to the “feminine me” are the Alpha Male macho type guys that just don’t do a thing for me. I find them shallow, cold and self-absorbed. I’m also not attracted to men who have no drive or desire to be successful. My question is why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: You’re right, this question has been asked so many times, but lately, I’ve begun to wonder if we are asking the wrong question hence the wrong answers.

Let me back up a little and clarify one thing. Masculine and feminine energies should not be confused with biological make-up (male or female) or social gender roles (man or woman). Masculine and feminine energies operate on a gender neutral some say spiritual) level. Confusing masculine and feminine energies with male or female or man or woman, limits our ultimate potential by limiting our true understanding of who we really are. It is a huge loss for our romantic interactions – how we connect and relate as male and female, man and woman

That said, let’s be real. It’s still a male dominated world we live in, and since men are raised to express more of the masculine energy (independent, driven, take-charge, assertive, firm, upfront, straightforward, intense, decisive, steadfast, self-restrained, adventurous, risk-taking etc), they tend to be the more “successful” gender in the material (do/have) world.

Men who are (materially) “successful” tend to be drawn and attracted to women who express more of the feminine energy (nurturing, cooperative, graceful, gentle, subtle, down-to-earth, unassuming, sensitive, intuitive, cautious, receptive, sensual etc) because they need that balance of energies in their lives. And for the longest time this worked for both men and women.

In the last few decades women have either been deliberately raised or forced to express more of the masculine energy in order to compete and be successful in a male dominated environment. This is a good thing except that when it comes to relationships the old ways of thinking about men/women dynamic still persists in a majority of both men and women.

At the same time, in the last couple of decades our universal conscious has had a slight shift. The definition of “success” is slowly moving away from having material possessions to “being a whole human being” (Study: Materialistic People Liked Less by Peers Than ‘Experiential’ People). Men and women have been catching up to this “wholeness” way of being and embracing their duality of (feminine and masculine) energies and in the process finding inner balance and harmony within, without need for the opposite energy.  So what’s happening now is that men with a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies are drawn to and attracted to women with a healthy balance of both energies. In other words, women (and men) with too much of one energy are no longer as appealing as they used to be decades ago.

Two problems for women and for men, but for the sake of answering your question, I’ll focus on women.

Women who’ve worked so hard to develop their masculine energy in order to be successful in a male dominated environment and in the process neglected nurturing their feminine energy are not attractive to men who have not done their own inner balancing of energies (masculine only men). Too much of one energy does not make for a healthy romantic match.

And as if to add insult to injury, now women who have done a lot to enhance their masculine energy (neglecting their feminine energy) find themselves forced contend with advances from men who have less of developed masculine energy and trying to find balance by attaching themselves to a woman expressing a lot of the masculine energy.

But as we all know, most “successful” women put up with a lot to get to where they are, and men who can’t carry their own weight soon or later remind them of the same type of “powerlessness” we women lived with for so many years. And for these men, they often find that living with a “successful” woman is no “ready made paradise” because she wants a man with the same balance of energies.

But there is more, some women are still stuck in the “old days” of “all feminine” women and “all masculine” men are finding it harder and harder to find “all masculine” men. As our collective universal conscious rise, those type of men are fewer and fewer. And even those wwomen who find themselves with the  “all masculine”  man, when they look at couples where the man has a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies, they feel like they’re missing something in their own relationship. So they start demanding that the “all masculine” man they’re with be more like Mr. Balanced Energies; something the “all masculine” man is not capable of being because he’s not done what it takes to be that balanced male.

In my humble opinion, the question is not so much why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man but what can a strong and successful woman do to attract an equally strong and successful man?

I have a few suggestions and it’s not dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do. Personally I’d feel like a first class fake if I followed “be all feminine advice” because it means I’ll have to suppress some of my “masculine traits” which I’m proud of — and have made me who I am today.

It’s all in finding your own inner balance of (masculine and feminine) energies and expressing them authentically.

For example:

1 – Independent (masculine energy) but also friendly and receptive (feminine energy)
2 – Driven and take-charge (masculine energy) but in a nurturing and cooperative way (feminine energy)
3 – Guarded and analytical (masculine energy) but also allow yourself to be vulnerable with the right person and show raw emotions at appropriate times (feminine energy)
4 – Assertive and firm (masculine energy) but graceful and gentle (feminine energy)
5 – Upfront and straightforward (masculine energy) but in a subtle, down-to-earth and unassuming way (feminine energy)
6 – Active and intense (masculine energy) but also sensitive and compassionate (feminine energy)
7 – Intuitive and cautious (feminine energy) but also be decisive and take some risks (masculine energy)
8 – Introspective and internally centered (feminine energy) but also outwardly curious (masculine energy)
9 – Dream, imagine and visualize (feminine energy) but don’t sit there waiting for someone else to put it into action, make it happen (masculine energy)
10 – Revel in your extravagant sensuality (feminine energy) but also exercise self-restraint (masculine energy)

This works for women and as well as for men. The key is balance and harmony within oneself.

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

32 Responses to “How A Strong Successful Woman Can Attract A Good Man”

  1. Modwana says:

    Yangki, as it turns out I am not the only one thinks there is something not right about the traditional narrative of the strong and manly man is only attracted to the coy and passive woman (all feminine women). In fact I read it somewhere, can’t remember where, that psychologically women with masculine behavioral traits such as independent, assertive and adventurous, and men with feminine behavioral traits such as tenderness, considerateness, and kindness have a greater number of opposite-sex admirers and suitors in their lifetime.

    btw, I’m a strong and successful woman just like you :)

  2. Buscaglia says:

    I really love your inspection of this subject. I think that the notion of a macho man and girly woman are extremes. The average man and woman has a combination of masculine and feminine traits that you have listed, some to a more degree than others.

    Hopefully women will embrace their very real femininity.

  3. Mike9090 says:

    Masculine women who are aggressive turn me off instantly. Feminine women who are passive as in waiting for me to initiate everything over time lose my respect. Women who are direct, confident, friendly and speak with a quiet gentle voice with a hint of laughter in the eyes and voice drive me crazy.

    Good one!

  4. RestlessJoe says:

    My ex girlfriend was tomboyish, sensitive, intuitive, creative, deeply loving, caring, logical, assertive and strong in spirit woman. It was a wonderful experience to change roles from both sides. I was still taking most of the leader role in the relationship but I was more willing to put myself in her hands when she took the lead. Best years of my life. Unfortunately it took me so long to realize and appreciate what I had. I’ll do anything to have her back in my life.

  5. It takes a very confident man to allow his woman to take the lead sometimes – and not be intimidated by her “masculine energy”. I pray and hope you get her back!!!

  6. Silas says:

    I truly appreciate your article. I truly never understood why a single well-educated women who have their lives together can’t seem to attract a decent man or stay in a relationship while women with a lot of women with a lot of drama and other baggage attract men in droves even marry several times over.

  7. ShyBrown says:

    Maybe it’s just my experience but a lot of women who are in their own comfort zones are unapproachable and those women that are approachable are often looking for a man to take care of them.

    Another excellent post!

  8. Shybrown… it’s just your experience… (:

  9. Enant says:

    If a successful woman is not attracted to an “unsuccessful” man, then at least the man to whom she is attracted to should be as successful as her. But nature dictates that such a successful man does not need a successful woman (success being what it is in our context). Not only he does not need such woman but he is most probably not attracted to her.
    A successful woman should have been attracted to a “normal” man, but she isn’t. This means her success is a social fabrication and that her inner natural instinct still dictates her to go for successful men (read powerful men).
    A successful man does not need or welcome a male rival, how much less a female rival, to disprove his success… Deep inside he will not be attracted to her.

  10. You have a good argument there but statements like…
    1. “nature dictates that such a successful man does not need a successful woman”,
    2. “A successful woman should have been attracted to a “normal” man, but she isn’t”,
    3. “her inner natural instinct still dictates her to go for successful men” and
    4. “A successful man does not need or welcome a male rival, how much less a female rival,”

    … are so very last century. This is 2011!!! Many more recent studies indicate that we’ve come a looooong way from such views and mindset.

    As someone whose business is how men and women relate (I ‘m in it almost 24/7), and who on a daily basis meets and talks to lots of men and women about these things, I can confidently and comfortably say, there are:

    1. Successful men who need successful women (whatever “success’ means to the individual man). They’ll not settle for any woman other than a “successful woman.” And I’ve helped some of them meet these “successful” women. Some chemistry/attractions have developed into long term relationships and unions.

    2. Successful women who are attracted to a “normal” men (men without money, power or any of our social definitions of “success”) but who are “successful” on an emotional, spiritual, or some other way that would not normally be considered “success” in our social fabrication.
    Also see my post: No.1 Most Attractive Quality

    3. Successful men who are secure, confident and grounded enough to be comfortable with male and female “rivals”. Many of these men do not see others as “rivals” but as “healthy competition”; They welcome, are comfortable, and befriend (and in the case of women, are VERY ATTRACTED to) these healthy “competitors ” because they challenge them to be “better than who they already are”. The less “successful” women (and men) provide no such challenge.

    But I hear your argument. There are some insecure men who will reject or avoid a woman for no other reason than that she is “successful.” Some of these men assume all other men find “successful” women unattractive… These men make up the large majority of frustrated and angry single males. They “blame” their “fate” on society and women, but do not see (or even admit) that they’re looking at women and society with a 20 Centruy mindset. I’ve met many of them on the internet and in real life…tried to have “discussions” with them etc… but we never got anywhere beyond trying to outsmart the other. These days, I avoid those arguments because it’s just a waste of my time. I’ve better things to do.

    And there are “successful” women who dumb down themselves because they’ve been told “successful” men need them to be “less successful”. And guess what? They end up with insecure men who make them feel like their “success’ is a liability or treat them like crap. Sad but true…

  11. Enant says:

    Hello Doctor
    First of all, I must congratulate you for your site because this is the “only” site (I have not found another yet) where people talk with some sense. Articles discussing about seduction games, tricks or manipulattion simply revulse me. I do envy someone like you capable of dedicating her time 24/7 on relationships and topics as such. I must also say that almost all topics here are interesting and reading and analysing all of them will require some similar personal dedication. I’ll continue to read and post some “hasty” comments here and there.

  12. I very much appreciate your comments, Enant. Now that you say games, tricks and manipulation repulse you too, I understand why I get you… I also find the way you phrase things very “familiar”… and as I read your comments, I started to suspect that may be you and I have met on another site… may be in another life or something like that…

    Thank you for your kind comments about the site… and thank you for your contribution to the discussion…

  13. drhoward says:

    I’m a male, relatively successful and attracted to successful women. The reason things don’t work out is not because of how successful the woman is, but because of her attitude about success and also some character issues that have nothing to do with success.

    I’m disappointed at my fellow men who complain about women’s success and as you well put it, make it seem like a liability. It’s just easier for these men to complain because it makes them feel better about why successful women are not attracted to them. It’s the most acceptable way of going into denial.

  14. Bella says:

    Drhoward, I agree that bad attitude towards success goes both ways.

    Success is not just about wealth, position or power. It can simply be being the best person you can possibly be.

  15. MARISSA says:

    I’m a successful woman attracted to successful men and make no apologies about it. Someone on my own level understands some of the things that I go through daily and can give good advice. Many of the guys I’ve dated who are just struggling to make it have a negative attitude on life in general. There is a point at which it gets to be a drain on the relationship. Even something like who pays for what on a date can become a big issue, something I never have to deal with when with someone successful.

  16. Donovan says:

    I was just moving through the net looking for some information and came across your blog. I am impressed by the information that you have on this post. It tells how well you understand this topic.

    I’ve grown tired of reading blogs and comments from men like Enant talking about “successful men are not attracted to successful women” as though they were delivering some kind of political stump speech. I endured a bad marriage to a very successful woman, but I don’t go around thinking all successful women are like my ex and I certainly do not berate successful women for not being attracted to a “normal” man like me. How can they be? I never really had much self-esteem even before I married my ex-wife. I’m responsible for what went wrong in my marriage and what I allowed to happen.

    I have to find my balls and stop, like so many other men these days whining like a victim. To do that, I’m working on my self esteem because I believe once we men begin to act like real men and take responsibility for feeling good about ourselves instead of whining like victims, we become more attractive to the women who have got it all together. Women have an edge on us in this area. While men have relied too much on money, power and success to be considered attractive, women have been doing a lot more. Now that they have money, power and success, they need more from us men and we can’t deliver. instead we whine and complain and come up with all sorts of theories about attraction to support our inability to deliver. We men need to step up and move our thinking beyond money, power and success.

    Thanks for allowing me express my thoughts.

  17. Thank you for expressing your thoughts, Donovan. After reading what you had to say, not only I’m I thinking “this is one man I can have a real discussion with”, I also feel good about the future of men/women relationships.

    No one side has the monopoly of knowing, understanding or having the “attraction” thing all worked out. On a daily basis, I meet and talk to just as many men as women all trying to work on how best they can be attractive to the other and just as many in struggling relationships or in relationships that have ended.

    The kind of open-mindedness you show here can go along way in improving how we relate to each other. This is what my site and blog is about. Unlike many other sites and blogs that are about “they vs. us”, there are NO SIDES here. Women are not the enemy and men are not the enemy. I hope to see more of your comments. THANKS.

  18. Karen says:

    Hi Yangki, you mentioned that you have made some introductions that have worked. I live in Toronto and curious to know if you can introduce me to some good men, and how much do you charge?

  19. I do not do or take requests for introduction… (:

    Usually it happens that I know two people fairly well — friends, acquaintances, former or current clients — and it just spontaneously comes to me… so and so could make a good match. Fortunately, I’m usually right but that is because I’ve come to know both people well and see what they have to offer relationship-wise. I don’t charge any fees…

    Problem with introducing people I do not know well is everyone these days wants everything but offering too little or nothing. Since I value my friends, acquaintances, and clients I’m not ready to take the risk of losing their friendship and trust in my judgement.

  20. Catherine says:

    I came to realize what you are talking about here a year ago. I had been too goal-oriented and neglected my creative feminine energy and was very miserable despite being successful financially. In a holiday to India, I had an epiphany. I came back and reorganized my life. Since balancing my creative and goal-oriented energies, I’ve uncovered my talents and secret pleasures. I feel a sense of real satisfaction and contentment.

  21. Enant says:

    Well done Catherine!

    In fact when I re-read my previous post I don’t fully understand it. So I hope you people don’t take it too literally. The title of this blog itself seems strange to me. “Strong Successful Woman” sounds like an oxymoron. The whole title “How a strong successful woman can attract a good man” sounds like “A strong successful woman in her natural state cannot attract a good man” to me. I don’t know if it sounds funny but it is certainly not funny for someone who’s been there. When you mentioned balancing your creative and goal-oriented energies, I think that your goal-oriented energies are finally oriented towards creativity, or at least creativity being inclusive henceforth, compared to the conventional social patterns that were ruling before. Anyway, congratulations and have a nice day!

  22. Enant wrote: The title of this blog itself seems strange to me. “Strong Successful Woman” sounds like an oxymoron.

    Strong = inner fortitude and/or character
    Successful = outer expression of strengths, talents, abilities, accomplishment etc.

    One can have inner fortitude and/or character but it does not outwardly translate into “successful” and one can be “successful” but lack inner fortitude and/or character.

    If you feel misunderstood before, I’m sorry. I just felt some things had to be put into perspective. I took issue (and still do) with the use of words like “in her natural state”. I do not claim to know the reason why you’re pushing for that particular angle but it’s the sort of thing I read in PUA seduction blogs and forums, and promoted mostly by guys who want “strong successful women” but can’t get one or keep one. So they use “in her natural state” as if it’s something that’s fact.

    There is no such a thing as a “natural state” for a strong successful woman (or any woman or man for that matter) that dictates how she thinks, feels, acts or who she is attracted to (not attracted to) or who is attracted to her. A strong successful woman is not some kind of “animal” in an African Game reserve (in it’s natural state and natural environment). Women like all human beings are constantly changing and consciously evolving individuals with individual experiences (Donovan, Catherine above atest to that). I don’t think it’s too much to ask that we be seen, thought of, treated and loved as individuals…

    I also find your use of “conventional social patterns” a little disturbing in that it makes it seem like it’s the only thing that influences attraction behaviour, choices, etc. Some attraction behaviour is influenced by “conventional social patterns” and some by genes, family dynamics, and unique personal experiences.

    Last but not least, you wrote, “I think that your goal-oriented energies are finally oriented towards creativity, or at least creativity being inclusive henceforth, compared to the conventional social patterns that were ruling before”.

    First all, masculine/feminine energies are not “ruled by conventional social patterns”, man/woman roles are (I suspect this is what you’re talking about). Masculine/feminine energies are a whole other (higher) level of human be-ingness. Second of all, in energy balancing there is no “before” and “after”. The process of balancing these energies is fluid, continuous and mostly on a much deeper level. Catherine didn’t “orient” towards creativity. She IS (or should I say ‘was’ for clarity) already creative by virtue of her innate feminine energy. All she did was tap more into who she already IS to balance her already expressed masculine energy (goal-oriented).

    Despite the fact that we disagree on so many levels, I think you frame your arguments elegantly… I just don’t buy them…(:

  23. Enant says:

    Hi Thanks for your reply. I think that we don’t need to agree with everything or with everyone and still carry on with the discussion without falling into boredom. There is a place where everyone agrees with everyone else, it is called a cult. So I hope this place is not one! Catherine mentioned something like a deep revelation, this sounded fascinating to me. Her statement was perfectly relevant with the topic and she triggered my curiosity. Since my post has inspired such a lengthy diatribe, at least I have to read your commentaries twice because they deserve it. They are more or less true but on another level, may be a deeper level or something like that. In my case, I cannot elaborate anything on that level!

  24. Life observer says:

    Fascinating stuff. In my experience I’ve found that the way one defines “success” affects one’s sense of meaning of life. Most people in the western world define success in terms of money and since money is one of the measurable ranking factors of success, it has a strong impact on self-esteem, sense of significance, feeling of attractiveness and unfortunately relationships but in a negative way. If the meaning of success continues to be defined in the way our western culture defines it, I fear that few young adults will be able to find satisfaction and meaning in life.

    Keep up the good work.

  25. “… the way one defines “success” affects one’s sense of meaning of life.”

    I’d never really thought of it like that but it does make a lot of sense. There is no end to learning, is there? Thanks A LOT!…(:

  26. Elisa says:

    ‘I don’t think it’s too much to ask that we be seen, thought of, treated and loved as individuals’

    I want to give you a huge hug just for saying that.

    I’m a 38 year old quite successful woman looking to fall in love with someone special but all the men I meet never seem to see me at all. Most of us want to be loved and appreciated for who we are as individuals and the man who can see me for who I am as a person and love and appreciate me just the way I am has my heart.

  27. Josh says:

    Succeeding in the material world doesn’t mean you have succeeded as a human being.

  28. Sara says:

    Thank you for this post. Femininity and masculinity is about “balance of energies” within one individual. Male and female roles have nothing at all to do with it. The sooner women (and men) realize and accept this, the sooner they start getting what they most desire romantically.

  29. Billy says:

    Yangki, your insight in so spot on. We women need to become comfortable with being “strong- successful- women.” Many “strong-successful women” types including myself are afraid of being “women”. We sacrifice being “a woman” in exchange for success but then turn around and complain when men avoid them at all cost. But it’s not all the women’s fault, our society does not allow for women to be successful and need love, nurturing, caring emotional support and pampering at the same time. It’s like we have to sacrifice one for the other.

    What I take from your post is that a woman doesn’t have to be a “man” to be strong and successful. We “strong-successful women” types can have a well rounded and balanced life!

  30. Mark says:

    Yangki, it’s unfortunate that there are few women (and men) out there who think the way you do. I’ve met plenty of successful women in my life that also have inner strength, wonderful personalities and very feminine. The sad stereotype of successful women as masculine-type “man eaters” has been perpetuated by women who are jealous, and men who can’t have these women. Yes, there certainly are successful women who have horrible personalities, but there are many unsuccessful feminine-type women who do as well.

    And this is from a man who is dating a very successful, strong and all rounded feminine-type woman.

  31. Hi Mark, looks like there is many of “us” … both men and women… (:

    May be what people like you and I need to do is write more about our “positive” experiences because it looks like the “negative” experiences with “strong successful women” have hijacked the conversation. If you have a blog, I’d like to contribute/and will encourage many of my like-minded friends to contribute as well.

  32. TommyF says:

    I’ve always believed that a strong, successful and extremely attractive woman is not some high-powered corporate executive who eats clients for lunch. But a woman who has an inherent blatant sensuality, softness, maybe even some naiveté, but she has certain strong facets of her personality that has men’s hearts pumping at an alarming rate. But then again that’s the kind of woman I’m drawn to. Lol.

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