Thursday April 24th 2014

My Ex Still Loves Me But Wants To Move On

Question: After 1 month of NC and 1 month of limited contact, I successfully got my ex back. We had been broken up for over 6 months. Things were good for about a month but then they started going straight down hill again. She says we just can’t be together and has started dating other guys. But at the same time she says she loves me and cries that we can’t be together. She says it makes her sad. I also found out that when we broke up the first time she went back to her ex and still hang out with him the month we were back together. I still love her very much and want her back but not sure if there is still anything left to save in this relationship.

The Love Doctor’s Answer: You do realize her wanting to explore other relationships besides with you says there is something she’s looking for. It could just be she has her own issues (which is often the case), but it could also be that you are not giving her what she wants. Until she finds/gets what she’s looking for, I’m afraid the two of you can’t have a real relationship. You will keep getting back together and breaking up again not because 1 month of NC and 1 month of limited contact worked, but because you can’t live with each other and can’t live without each other. With this kind of on-and-off-again relatiobnship, ANY strategy or NO strategy will still work.

My advice is to sit down with her and have a deep heart to heart about the two of you… why you are attracted to each other and what you can both do to make the relationship work. If she’s really sincere about being sad that the two of you can’t be together, then she will want to work on being together.

If she’s not open to talking, then it’s up to you to objectively look at the relationship as it really is and see what’s missing. She’s probably dropped some hints. Make sure it’s not something you are thinking up in your head, but what’s she’s actually said (repeatedly). The danger of thinking stuff up in your head and assuming you are right is that you will formulate a solution to a problem that does not exist — and fail to put actions into place to change things.

If after everything, it’s obvious that whatever is making her act the way she’s acting is something you can’t do anything about, then let her go. Keeping yourself in a situation where she continually chooses other guys over you is going to negatively impact on your self-esteem (if it hasn’t already) and make you act in ways that will make you not like yourself. Sometimes you have to learn to choose yourself over what you think is love.

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2 Responses to “My Ex Still Loves Me But Wants To Move On”

  1. Pat says:

    My ex was in no contact for 4 weeks. Then she emailed me saying she wanted to know how I was doing and hoped that I’m doing well. I replied saying I was doing well and hoped she was doing well too. She wrote back saying she was doing well then goes on to talk about how she’s been thinking of me lately thinking. Over the last one and half months our contacts went from once every other day to several a day. We talk on phone for 15 minutes – 3 hours and have gone out a couple of times. BUT – I realise I made a mistake in going back out with her again. I still love her, but only as a friend.

  2. It happens. It’s best that you tell her as soon as possible because the contacts, phone calls and going out are giving her the impression that you want her back — as more than a friend. If you really care about her, don’t try to talk her into a friendship. She’ll be hurt that you are not getting back together and on top of that be insulted that you are offering less than what she wants. Just tell her where you stand and give her the opportunity to make the decision whether or not she wants to be your friend.

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