Upfront and Open Vs. Pushy and Needy

pushy-needy-contact-open-honestWhen it comes to showing someone that you are romantically interested in him or her, there is a difference between being upfront and open and being pushy and needy.

For example, going on a rant about how much you already like a person you barely know doesn’t only create “uneasy feeling”, it makes you come across desperate. Desperate people make other people nervous. Even if someone is really interested, they will be wondering if this is what being a relationship with you is like.

And never put someone on the spot by asking how they feel about you. The best way to gauge how much interest you can show at a particular stage in a relationship is to think of the amount of interest you would most like from someone else. The only problem with this is that if you are desperate and needy, you tend to think everyone is desperate and needy and really don’t know how much is too soon too quickly.

When you are desperate and needy, reaching out to the man or woman in your life becomes like any other addiction. You compulsively call him/her or try to fill up every available moment with his/her attention and company. You are so consumed by “feeling in love” that there are few other things in life — other than him/her — that interest you or can hold your attention. Even quality time spent together doesn’t really help. This is a huge mistake that will cost you a relationship with good potential.

Here are just a few guidelines for being open and upfront but not needy and pushy. Ask yourself:

“Is it necessary?”

Don’t tell all your funniest stories or give “intimate” information about yourself until you are sure someone wants to hear them. Until you are sure, share the important stuff and leave out unnecessary details, at least until you know the other person is somewhat interested. Most people will ask a question to show they want to know more about you.

You don’t want to be closed off or secretive, but you also don’t want to scare people off before they have a chance to get to know you.

In other words, feel free to discuss your life in general, but avoid details that may make it easy for someone to make a snap judgement about your personality or state of being. For example telling someone you’re looking for a commitment on a first date or after a few dates is being open, but don’t start giving time limits (e.g. after 3 months of dating) or telling them what your dream committed relationship looks like (e.g. you picturing the two of you cooking together in the kitchen or watching your kids running around in the park etc).

And if you are a talker or have a tendency of running your mouth when you are nervous, instead of blabbing away about your life accomplishments, ask him/her to tell you about his/her life story instead.

“Is it reasonable contact?”

Contacting someone who is not your partner or girl/boyfriend more than two or three times a day is excessive. And if they don’t respond, don’t send more texts to try to “motivate” them to respond. That’s needy and desperate.

In the beginning, one contact a day, whether they respond or not is healthy. Then slowly build it up to two, then three max. When you reach three, change tings up a bit. Some days less and some days more depending on the response you get, and how quickly the response comes.

The secret to not doing too much or doing too little (both turn someone off) is to be pay attention to their emotional energy and be aware of their mood. It’s easier to know when you are doing too much or doing too little
if you are well tuned into someone’s emotional state.

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