Almost everyone trying to get their ex back once in a while falls into “negative thinking”. It’s normal, and personally I think it’s healthy to think about what’s not working right and what could go wrong.
But there are people that take it to the dizzy limit. They don’t just fall into “negative thinking” once in a while, what’s not working right or what could go wrong is all they think about. Some get so caught up in “negative thinking” so much that they don’t even realize that they have crossed the line between trying to “get back their ex” to trying to “avoid getting hurt”.
They think they are trying to get their back but spend more time planning how to avoid getting hurt than they do trying to get back their ex. Because they are so focused on what they don’t want that they make very little progress towards getting back their ex, the majority end up giving up.
These are some of the common negative thoughts they keep playing in their heads one after the other (You may recognize some them).
- I don’t want to have false hope.
- I don’t want my ex to feel pressured.
- I don’t want to contact my ex and he/she does not respond.
- I don’t want to come across as needy.
- I don’t want my ex to think I am desperate.
- I don’t want my ex to take advantage of me.
- I don’t want to end up in the friend-zone.
- I don’t want to waste my time.
Even when asked “But what do you want?”, they’ll say “I want my ex back, but I DON’T want to have false hope” or “I want to contact my ex but, I DON’T want to him/her to feel pressured.
It’s like they start with hope (I want my ex back or I want to contact my ex) and then something in their brain short-circuits and they return to their default “don’t want” position.
And as they say, what you focus on becomes your reality; in the end everything they don’t want to happen is exactly what happens.
People who eventually end up getting back their ex have a whole different orientation. They tend to focus on do’s and not on the don’ts. Rather than just trying to avoid having false hope, coming across as needy or being friend-zoned etc, they actively work to move toward what they want to see happen.
They report feeling more optimistic about their chances and more satisfied with how things are moving forward.
Just like anything else in life, success getting back your ex is part psychological, part effort, part strategy, and part luck (love doing what it does).
Just hoping and dreaming of getting back together with your ex without doing anything to actually get back your ex will get you nowhere. Likewise, trying this and trying that without believing in what you are doing will get you mixed results. You might even give up and stop trying too soon, before your efforts have had time to yield results.
You’ve probably heard the saying “Believe in yourself and others will believe in you too”. If you are ever going to convince your ex that the relationship can actually work, you must believe it yourself first. If you don’t believe that it is possible to get back together, or that the relationship can actually work, your ex will sense your hesitation, doubt and fear, and convince him/herself that there is no point in even trying.
And since the best way to move away from what you don’t want is to move towards what you want, let’s agree here that until it is very clear that there is absolutely nothing else you can do to get back your ex, anything is still possible. Until it’s OVER, it’s not over.
This is not just about positive thinking (which taken too far can be another form of denial), but about allowing hope to affect your thinking, words and actions. To actively work to move toward what you want to see happen rather than just trying to avoid what you don’t want to see happen.
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