Emotion #2 – Serenity
Serenity sounds too “zen”, I’ll break it down to a simpler word, calm (as in relaxed, cool, peaceful, mellow, drama-free, no stress and no pressure).
How do you trigger calm in your ex?
First and foremost by not acting like two people in one body. It’s very confusing, and even scary for your ex when one moment you are one extreme and the next you are the other extreme.
- One moment you are upset, crying and yelling, and the next you are calmly begging, pleading and trying to have sex.
- One moment you say “let’s not contact each other” and the next, “I miss you”.
- One moment, we can’t be just friends and the next, “I’m okay with being just friends”.
Irrational and frantic behaviours trigger a “fight or flight” feeling in your ex, so just cut it out.
If you want to get your ex back, your responsibility as someone who wants your ex back is to create an environment that does not trigger fear or anxiety in your ex, and make him/her want to put up resistance, fight back or run away.
But as mentioned earlier, avoiding negative feelings is only half the story. In fact just avoiding emotions that trigger negative feelings will eventually lead to a feeling of being stuck; where nothing bad is happening but nothing good is happening either. You are not pushing your ex away but you are not drawing him/her close either. You may even end up in the friendzone.
As well as avoiding triggering negative feelings, also trigger the parallel feelings of safety, reassurance, ease and relaxation. Use a calm tone of voice to communicate, avoid outbursts of anger and insensitive talk, be consistent in attitude and actions, and respect your ex’s personal boundaries.
Sometimes this means giving your ex space and time if they ask for it. (Note: if THEY ASK for it. Not you deciding it’s what they need. Two completely different things with two different outcomes).
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