Thursday July 31st 2014

The “Rules” and Playing Mind Games With Men

You’ve heard them; don’t approach him first, don’t flirt, don’t look friendly, don’t pick up the phone when he calls, wait four days before you call him back, never ever accept spontaneous invitations, act like you’re not interested, don’t show him you like him, don’t let him hold your hand until on the third date, don’t introduce him to your friends before he introduces you to his, if he’s not ready to commit when you’re ready dump him, never be friends with an ex etc.

Who follows these type of rules? What kind of man does a woman who follows these rules attract? Is it possible to sustain a loving relationship based on a calculating persona faking a busy life? What’s so wrong with being an open, honest, vulnerable, pro-active real woman with her own mind, a body and soul?

Every time we set up unrealistic, counter-productive and sometimes even ridiculous “rules” that assume that all men and all women react the same way to the same situation rather than that relationships are an interplay between two unique individuals, we set ourselves up for frustration, hurt and disillusion.

If all you attract is frustration, disappointment and hurt, change the way you approach dating and the way you relate to the opposite sex. Stop treating dating like a game or a necessary evil you have to endure (to get to heaven) and instead see it as a journey of self-discovery.

Take time to get to know yourself and work on the unhealthy residues from your past that may be driving your choices and actions; challenge yourself to do some of the things you’re most afraid to do; meet people and allow others to get to know the real you; accept that life isn’t always fair and things will not always go your way but that happens to everyone; don’t take yourself too seriously and don’t expect others to be perfect; be flexible, spontaneous and have fun! But most of all be authentically you.

Show that you’re approachable, friendly, interested and interesting, intriguing, good company and relationship-worthy.

1) If you’re interested in a guy, let him know.

2) If you want to go out with him, ask him out.

3) If a guy asks you out and you want to go, go. If you’re not available, let him know.

4) If you’re not into him, sensitively let him know.

5) If you really are into him but the relationship is not as “hot” as you want it to be, be proactive and do something about it.

6) If something is bothering you about the relationship, talk to him about it.

7) If the relationship is falling apart at the seams, try to mend it.

8) If he feels smothered, pressured or wants a little breathing space, give it to him without hard feelings.

9) If you love him and want a second chance, give love a chance.

10) If you don’t feel he is the one for you or the relationship is toxic, end it.

I understand that the approach I promote is rather radical for some and have been told by a few people that it’s “a cultural thing”. Surely openness, honesty, integrity, truthfulness, authenticity, sensitivity, fairness, thoughtfulness and self-respect can’t just be a “cultural thing”. More like a “human thing” or a “love thing” to me. Unless of course, you have nothing much to offer in terms of a real fulfilling relationship, then may be it makes sense to manipulate others into thinking you’re who you’re not!

But that’s just my thinking (and may be it’s a “cultural thing”). If you want to play mind games, by all means play on. But don’t complain when the guys you attract using mind games are doing exactly the same thing you’re doing. In my opinion, if two people are okay playing mind games with each other, then they deserve each other. No tears.

Recommended Articles

1. Should A Woman Approach A Man And Ask Him Out On A Date?
2. Why Women Who Wait For A Man To Make The First Move Lose
3. Things Women Who Try Too Hard To Attract A Man Do To Chase Him Away

4 Do You Intimidate Men And Put Them Off Before The Chase Even Begins?

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

91 Responses to “The “Rules” and Playing Mind Games With Men”

  1. Mr. Bean says:

    Any one want my soon to be ex girlfriend? She wrote “The Rules”. Oh, you can also have my ex wife and it’ll be a happy threesome.

  2. Meccosedpen says:

    If I found out a woman was purposefully messing with my head, I’d act interested until she starts responding then I disappear off the radar. If she tries to pursue me, I make it a point to be seen with a woman much hotter than she is.

  3. Jodi says:

    This is pretty good advice. A real woman is secure and confident with herself, her femininity and her place as a woman. No head games necessary.

  4. Kathy says:

    Yangki, I understand what you’re saying here but I think that most of us following “The Rules” are doing so to weed through men and find a man who has high interest. If you and others call it “head games” I don’t care because I’m not going to be some desperate fool who ends up with a man who wasn’t interested in me in the first place. It’s about me finding a man who fits into my world.

  5. Kathy, I hear you and 100% agree that a woman should do everything in her power to weed out men and find one who fits into her world. Problem is most of the guys you say you’re trying to weed out are those who’ve mastered the guys’ own version of “The Rules” a.k.a. “The Game”. They know exactly how to pass all those “tests” and do so smoothly and with confidence because for them it’s just a game of winners and losers. What happens most of the time is that women using these “rules” end up with the very guys they were trying to “weed” out.

    The guys who aren’t looking for just sexual encounters but lasting and meaningful relationships aren’t that “smooth players” (no insult intended) and most just won’t play head games. Their conscience won’t allow them.

    There are ways to find a guy who fits your world without shooting yourself in the foot. If you’re interested, please read some of the articles I’ve recommended on this post and others on the articles section of my website.

  6. JonArc says:

    It’s a “cultural thing” and that’s why even I a proud American don’t date American-born women. They are insecure, immature, cynical, nasty, ruthless and have huge expectations. The last dating relationship I had with one of these women was completely pointless and disrespectful. I would suggest American-born women travel outside of the US and observe foreign women instead of reading “The Rules”.

  7. I don’t want to come across as taking sides because I’m a woman, but don’t you think you’re generalizing based on your experiences? It’s true that “The Rules” was written by American women and is more popular and embraced by women in the US but it doesn’t necessarily mean all the women in the US agree with it.

    Some of my clients are American-born women and they are not insecure, immature, cynical, nasty, ruthless and have huge expectations — and they don’t play head games either.

  8. Andstra007 says:

    I refuse to waste my time on women who play head games.

  9. The Realist says:

    Am I the only one who sees that something is not quite right here? You write a book about PLAYING HARD TO GET then you advise women not to play head games. Either I’m dumb or you’re the QUEEN OF HEAD GAMES.

  10. No, you’re not dumb and I’m not the queen of head games…(:

    You do make a good point and from your comment I can tell that you have not read my book or any of the articles I’ve written on “playing hard to get”. There is a version of playing hard to get out there that’s all about messing with someone else’s mind and life and others have written books advising men and women on how best to play head games. That’s NOT what my book is about.

    I’m happy to explain my version of “playing hard to get” but it’ll be a very lengthy response to a comment. To get a better idea of that I’m talking about, I suggest you read my Playing Hard To Get” Articles (click here) and see for yourself “how my version is NOT about head games but an interactive fun game that increases our alertness to our environment, our skills for finding what we’re looking for and also gives us a sense of satisfaction once we find what we’re looking for. The other person is aware of what’s going on and is inspired to want to play otherwise it’s time-wasting, pointless and boring — like chasing wind (in the dark).

  11. Tom says:

    Thank you very much for writing this post. I can relate to JonArc on American-born women. I was born and raised in Dallas Texas and have lived in Italy, UK, Germany, Australia and India. Through my work, I have been lucky to meet and date some very smart, well accomplished and gorgeous women from different cultures and different corners of the world. I recently moved back home and after dating two American born women, I’ve sworn never again. I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than go out on date with another American woman.

  12. Samantha says:

    The reason some men hate “American women” is because they can’t handle strong, intelligent independent women. Man up and not play the victim. Whiny men are so not attractive.

  13. B-Face says:

    Women complain about men being players when they themselves need to take a good look in the mirror.

  14. Funbob says:

    Any woman who follows “the rules” will stay single or end up with a player, bitter man or someone screwed-up who’ll cheat and abuse her.

  15. Scott says:

    What does the modern woman want/expect in the opposite sex? Everything whether she deserves it or not. What does she give back? Nothing. Women in their 30s especially demand perfection from men when they are truly in no position to be picky.

  16. Amanda says:

    I agree with everything you wrote in this post. I’m an American born woman and I don’t play mind games. I could probably out game any man at mind games but I don’t care to play. Mind games are simply for the insecure and immature.

  17. Just Me says:

    I consider myself a classy woman and never call a guy. Of course some people do not understand a woman who respects herself and will look at that as playing mind games.

  18. Evertte775 says:

    Classy? So, how long have you been successfully married? It must be nice to look like a model and have men lining up for your tel #. So what are you doing on this blog?

    When you grow up and learn to treat others with respect, give me a call.

  19. Tom says:

    That was classy like in 1900. Classy in 2009 is a woman who knows herself, her mind, emotions, body, sexuality, sensuality and femininity and has a confident, genuine, outgoing, relaxed attitude that makes dating/courtship a little more fun for both the man and the woman involved. She does not manipulate other people’s feelings for her own amusement. Let me guess, you also must be a classy booty call? sheesh

  20. Modwana says:

    I say screw the rules. I do whatever the heck I feel like. I’ve called back the next day, I’ve called back after 2 weeks, it just really depends on if someone is into you or into stupid games.

  21. Brittany says:

    Most guys don’t like their egos tested!

  22. Just Me, you sure raised some temperatures…(: I want to believe that you’re not saying women who call guys are not “classy” (whatever that means), but rather you’re standing up for what you consider important to you.

    I actually agree with you that self-respect is a very attractive quality. I do however, disagree with you on how we EARN self-respect. In my opinion, respecting yourself means being real, confident, cordial, honest and truthful as possible, and it also means respecting others. In short, a measure of a woman’s self respect is in standing up for what she believes and wants, and saying what she means and meaning what she says without disrespecting someone else.

  23. HanoiPOW says:

    The “Rules” are a psychological trick women use to avoid men from calling them out on their inconsistencies. I’ve been seeing this woman and everything seemed to go well. Then last week she told me she was in love with someone else. I asked her when she met him and the timelines just didn’t match. When I pointed it out to her she admitted there was no “someone else”. I asked her why she lied to me and she said it didn’t matter because she’s not romantically attracted to me. Who she dates is her own business but why lie about a boyfriend who does not exist?

  24. Have you considered the fact that she may not have been romantically attracted to you to begin with and lied in an attempt to spare your feelings from being hurt. Of course she could have been honest about it and come right out and said “I don’t want to date you but we can be just friends” or “I’m not attracted to you “that way” but she probably thought telling you there was someone else would be a gentler way. I’m not justfying what she did, I’m just trying to explain it. The person who has the real anwsers is her.

  25. Cassy says:

    Both men and women play mind games, the reasons for men and women are different. Women play mind games when trying to get to know if a guy is real or when trying to figure out how they feel. Men play mind games to lead women on and dump them.

  26. Interesting that you should say that. Some men say men play mind games when trying to figure out exactly how they feel about a woman and women play mind games to string men along. Go figure!

    Not everything men or women do in dating especially when they’re undecided is necessarily mind games. After a date for example someone may want some time to think about how things went before deciding to go out on another date. Other times, things may look like they’re going well and suddenly someone will see something that really bothers him/her and may suddenly change his/her mind about dating that person. In both instances there were no intentions of misleading or stringing someone along.

    In my opinion, someone INTENTIONALLY MESSING with someone else’s mind is a player. A player is a player is a player is a player – man or woman.

  27. NeoPush says:

    I have more respect for women who are completely upfront instead of wasting my time and hers for that matter.

  28. I just responded to your comment about your ex wasting your time.

  29. Trevor says:

    I am done trying to figure women out.

  30. Keryjo says:

    Most men can’t handle honesty well. The ones who complain why women can’t come out front and say we don’t want to date them are the same ones who call us names when we do tell them the truth.

  31. Bluedog says:

    Men can’t handle honesty? Give me a break! It is all about power and control and the women who play mind games have low self esteem or feel powerless when dealing with men. Mind games give them a sense of power and control. It is a power trip messing with unsuspecting males.

  32. Cindy says:

    I’ll never give in to the idea of asking a guy out. I’m quite an old fashioned girl and prefer for the guy to make the first step.

  33. Cindy, the bit about asking a guy out is for women who want to be proactive and have the power to “choose” rather than be ‘”chosen”. If you don’t want to be proactive in your relationship then just wait for the guy to make the first move.

  34. Dagger says:

    What about a woman who flirts, acts suggestively says romantic things, calls me “babe” and then says “I don’t think I’m your type”.

  35. Either she was fishing for a compliment, has a poor self image, or it’s her way of politely saying “I really tried to feel something for you but you’re just not my type”.

  36. Musathegentlesoul says:

    As-Salaam Alyakum. As someone who has said “I’ll call you” after a first date and didn’t, I can honestly say “mind games” was not the intention. Sometimes I meant to call but something else came up and time passed and so did the initial attraction.

  37. Cindy says:

    Yangki, I do agree with your point about being more proactive. I do however want to exercise wisdom and be just a bit safer before I act.

  38. Ah! That’s different from saying “I’ll never give in to the idea of asking a guy out…” :)

  39. powerdust98 says:

    I’ve been unsucessful with American Women because too many of them are selfish, too demanding and not accomadating enough.

  40. MarcusBrig says:

    There is nothing illegal about asking a guy out. I think that anything that helps men and women get along and is not manipulative is good for both sexes.

  41. The Rules Girl says:

    I’m a Rules girl and think this post is misleading. “The Rules” are not about “being a bitch” but setting boundaries on when and how you respond to the guy(s) you’re dating. Guys are attracted to women who are mysterious and a challenge. They quickly lose interest if a woman is not playing hard to get.

  42. This post does not say don’t be mysterious or don’t be a challenge. I’m not telling women to come on too strong or be “over-enthusiastic” (act needy) and call him every day. I’m encouraging a NATURAL DYNAMIC based on a real, genuine and honest reaction and not trying to trick someone into being interested a bit longer than they would if they weren’t being played.

    In my understanding, mysterious and challenging is an ongoing awareness of wanting to experience more and being excited about that person to want to continue the relationship.

  43. FlyOnTheWall says:

    What could be more flattering to a guy than to know that a woman is interested enough in him, that she is willing to break down that traditionalist, self-perpetuating paradigm?

  44. rafas311 says:

    The fastest way to end a relationship with a guy is act like you’re not interested. The last thing we want when we’re trying to get to know you is keep running into walls. We guys interpret it as “uninterested” and stop calling.

  45. Mr. Cocky says:

    I’m a man and like it or not, males chase after females who’re hard to get, or hard to get a hold of. SHE becomes his direction, goal, meaning, centre of his life but when he doesn’t feel challenged anymore he loses that sense of life, direction, hope, goals, meaning etc.

  46. Interesting to know what happens if the male catches the female or does he even want to catch her since that’d mean lose of sense of life, direction, hope, goals, meaning etc? Sounds more like it’s all about him and the THRILL OF THE CHASE and not about her and developing a relationship.

    Depending on how he MAKES her his direction, goal, meaning, centre of his life, most mature, independent and emotionally healthy women might see it as being needy/clingy. So while the male thinks she’s trying to be hard to get, or hard to get a hold of, she’s actually NOT INTERESTED. So there is our male trying to catch a female who has little or no interest. Sad all round!

  47. ceejay says:

    The Rules are based on ladies are never direct sexist victorian era bs. I follow my own rules!

  48. Mike9090 says:

    American culture is all about a certain image, for the most part, and that’s exactly what the so called “The Rules” uphold. That image is, to put it bluntly, generally total bullshit.

  49. dyoll614 says:

    Part of the reason women play hard to get is because a majority of guys don’t understand anything about us. They want everything laid out to them because they are too lazy to get off their asses and work for it. A guy that is willing to work for something is also capable of carrying part of the responsibilities of being in a relationship with an equal.

  50. sweethot says:

    how do you know he is the one, and does he really into you as you think he is?

  51. McMont says:

    This is the best post I’ve read on women and “the rules”. All the girls I’ve dated who were into “the rules” game turned out to be the most boring kind of girls you could ever meet. They don’t know how to hold a man’s attention so they play these childish games. I think women who are looking for guys that want to settle down and have a long term relationship need to stop following these rules and start focusing on making sure guys see how much fun, genuine, baggage free and caring they are in the early stages of dating. What guy is going to turn down the chances of committing or even marrying a woman who is outgoing, genuine, emotionally together and caring?

  52. Pete says:

    When a girl does something nasty, take it as it is. She is not playing a game. She simply wants you to go away.

  53. Sammy says:

    The most important and basic thing is to respect each other. Until we really realize the importance of respect for each other, both men and women will keep playing these immature disrespectful mind games.

  54. Sammy, I agree with you 100%. It’s that “RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER” that I strive to bring back in my work.

  55. Eclectic says:

    I’ve gotten so fed up with head games lately I’m taking a long break from dating in general.

  56. Tola says:

    I have an impression that whenever I am the one that asks a man out he is less interested or in the moment during a date than a man that would ask me out. Sometimes it’s not about the rules and games – sometimes it’s about what works best for you. By the way, Christine great articles – I have learnt a lot :).

  57. Tola, you’re right about it being what’s right for you. As for asking a guy out vs. being asked, if a guys isn’t that into you, it doesn’t matter who does the asking, he just isn’t interested. And asking doesn’t always have to be verbal. It can be non-verbal, a little positive encouragement for the guy you want to ask you out instead of waiting for the ones you may not even be interested in but go out with them anyway because they asked.

    I’m glad you learned something :)

  58. Tola says:

    U r so right Christine – sometimes it’s even so natural that u r not sure in the end who asked whom :P. But sometimes mmmm… it’s a struggle. There are moments when I feel that I gave some encouragement and a person does not react or changes his actions very delicately. Do you believe it’s a lost cause then? How to tell if it’s not? Thank you 4 great advice in the previous post – this is what I needed :D.

  59. If there is no reaction in form of positive encouragement or if the person changes to a point where you literally feel he has a wall between the two of you, it’s a lost cause (to use your words). Any relationship whether beginning or advanced stage where you feel you’re giving/putting in a lot more effort than you’re getting/the other person is putting, should make you step back. Step back and see if the other person will move towards you. The mistake most people make is to try to work it harder/give more. As I said in another post, if you starve a plant it’ll die, if you over water it, it’ll die. The goal should be to find that “balance”/own internal regulator. For many people the inability to regulate onself is a result of some “damage” to the internal regulator. Instead of “fixing it” a majority try to use external regulators a.ka. “the rules” and other head games. The problem does not go away, instead it’ll manifest in another form of “relationship problem.”

    It’s always important to remember that in almost every relationship it takes a few one step forward, one step back moves, until you get the other person’s rhythm and then the dance!!!

  60. Tola says:

    Thanks Christine. Your answer has a beat. Thank you. You are a real deal. Swaying and surfing.

  61. Jean L says:

    I’m turned off by women who want me to jump hoops to get to them. If they’re into me, then at the very least they can do is have the guts to tell me or at least make it very clear non-verbally. Women who approach me are an instant turn-on because of the fact that while most women expect the men to approach them, they acted gutsy.

  62. Tola, I’ll take that! Thank you :)

  63. Revonsuo says:

    I usually let women come to me first to show their interest, then I reciprocate because I know I’m not wasting my time on someone who wants to play childish games.

  64. Kuckreja says:

    Head games are almost always for a selfish reason. A woman keeps a man around and ignores him at the same time because she wants to prove her worth. Glad I don’t have to ever go through that again. I made a decision for life and will be sticking with it. Btw, it’s easy to love pets. You feed them, you stroke them, they adore you.

  65. Enant says:

    Anyone with some common sense should know that The Rules cannot work since anyone can read them. At best the authors will get rich. At worst their followers will get trapped! By not calling, returning calls etc etc, The Rules does not make you a lady, it makes you a moron. By not choosing, but getting chosen, The Rules makes you an attractive cattle at best. The Rules does not make you powerful. It gives you some false sense of empowerment until you discover you are completely powerless or may be not!

  66. Hamza says:

    The individual who lives by a rigid set of rules and schedule is living in an insulated cocoon of predictability. There is no one-size-fits-all. You have to find your own unique path, the one that works best for you.

  67. Cliff says:

    Finally someone saying it like it is! If you are a phony in your relationship, you get a phony relationship.

  68. Kiki2012 says:

    Yes the Rules do make a lady.Who wants to be that type of girl who emails 20 times a day,and is constantly calling her boyfriend.Why put so much effort into somebody who doesn’t call YOU.Don’t we deserve to be chased wooed and made to feel special.We accept sloppy,lazy behaviour from men and then reward them with our attention,affection,sex and sometimes our hearts.We eventually end up with a shattered heart and even worse self esteem.Women who chase men get burned,its true and its very bad for our confidence.I know I am a much happier person when a man MAKES THE EFFORT to call me(Remember ladies it doesn’t even take much effort),to drive to see me,to treat me like the PRIZE,it simply doesn’t feel good when its the other way around.

  69. You’re right that It doesn’t even take much effort… to treat me like the PRIZE…

    If you are A PRIZE, you don’t need the rules to be treated as a PRIZE. You just are – A PRIZE. Guys who are a worthy catch themselves know a PRIZE when they meet one. They’ll “catch a grenade” for her, “throw their themselves on a blade” if that’s what it takes to catch and keep the PRIZE.

    On the other hand, if you’re not A PRIZE but want to be treated as one, you have to work hard (use THE RULES,) but even then, you will never be treated as a prize, because you just are NOT. Do a Google search on how things turned out for the “ladies” who wrote THE RULES… I’ll tell you, not well.

    Put it in another way, if you find something at a dollar store, it doesn’t matter how hard it tries to make itself look exclusive and costly, it’s still from the dollar store — and it shows it’s not worth much!

    The RULES don’t make you a catch, they show you’re TRYING TO BE A CATCH. The very same guy who you have to use the rules to try to get his attention will go crazy for some other woman he thinks is worth the chase! Why waste all that time and energy trying to be a catch, when you could be the real thing!

    You might want to read “Women Who Follow The Rules” By Heidi Muller

  70. Aldo says:

    Yangki, your response to Kiki is right on. I’m always surprised at women who complain that men hurt them when they are the ones that build a relationship on a shaky foundation of mind games. Manipulating your actions and words to get someone to like you or to stay with you, is proof that you’re not fit for a relationship.

  71. Aldo, I appreciate the thumbs up, but I believe it goes both ways. Men play mind games too. In my opinion PUAs are the worst of the kind because at least the “Rules Women” do it mistakenly thinking that they might meet Mr Right that way. PUAs do it to get free sex. I have some amount of pity for a guy who has to buy sex because he can’t get it any other way… but one who manipulates women to get free sex!?!? That’s deep low!

    Even if a man doesn’t have respect for women for any number of reasons, at least have respect for yourself!

    The reality is when you start a foundation of a relationship based on mind games, you can’t but help continue building the relationship on mind games for fear of losing the other person if you reveal your true self or just allow the relationship to take it’s natural course. The more one builds on the foundation of mind games, the harder and uglier the fall will be — and some people have the audacity to cry “I was deceived!” You started it, you own it.

  72. Jerry says:

    I agree that both men and women are manipulators in the game of love or sex. But I think that manipulation is not something someone can successfully do without the other person allowing it to happen. To manipulate someone requires that someone to be involved.

    That said, I strongly believe that manipulating others to get what you want will not work out in the long run. Just my humble opinion.

  73. I like humble… a lot!…(:

    I agree 100% with everything you’ve said. That then raises the question of “intent”…

    There’s when the intention is to manipulate for entirely selfish reasons… but there is also when the intention is not to manipulate but the other person still ends up feeling manipulated. Both people were involved but with different perceptions of what’s going on.

    This is why in my humble opinion (see, I’m a quick learner…lol), direct, open and upfront is the safest bet for all concerned. It doesn’t completely eliminate different perceptions of what’s going on, but it at least keeps misunderstanding of intent to the minimum.

  74. Angel44 says:

    Yangki, I commend you for not reading that terrible book. I read “the rules” book after my ex dumped me and I felt more depressed and sick to my stomach. My snapshot of the book is that it’s for women who are very immature and lack self-control or respect for themselves and others.

    My biggest beef with the book is that it does not value loving and honest relationships in which two partners are equal instead it advices women to let the man do all the work. Personally I don’t want the kind of man.

    You are right in saying the advice is outdated. The emphasis on the “Princess’ behaviour” is particularly disturbing in the 21st century. Passiveness and manipulation sets women back and arms men with more vicious ways to become even more selfish since they can’t trust women to act in their (men’s) best interest.

  75. You’re right about men acting more selfishly because they can’t trust women to act in their (men’s) best interest. From what I’ve been told, the book titled “The Game” is a response to “The Rules”. It’s meant for men to get even. Very sad…

    Even sadder that many of the women who follow rigid dating rules, at least in my experience as coach, hang on hoping and believing because they just can’t read between the lines. I’ve seen many think the guy is “playing hard to get” when in reality he’s just not interested. Because they do things like not call or pretend to be busy, when the guy does not call, or ignores them, they think it’s just part of “the game” because that’s what they’d do with a guy they’re interested in.

    I wish that women listened more to their gut and trusted themselves more instead of being so obsessed with their own agenda that they can’t even see how they are their own worst saboteurs. But obviously there are women to whom “the rules” speaks to and if that’s how they want to do it, so be it.

  76. Driskul says:

    I applaud you for creating the most balanced positive relationship advice site on the internet. Most sites are either pro-women and anti-men, or pro-men and anti-women. The tone is almost always angry and negative. No wonder men and women have struggles getting along.

    Relationships will only get better when both men and women learn to co-exist and respect the other. This is possible as is shown on this site. There is hope.

  77. Thank you for your kind words. It’s not easy keeping out the “angry and negative”…

    Call me naively optimistic… I believe men and women can get along very well if we want to, chose to and learn how to.

  78. gemmate says:

    Secretly deep down all women want a man to take control and tell them what to do. Women generally are insecure and if you show them that you are interested they will play mind games to try to mess you up.

  79. I have a problem with people who say “all women” or “all men”… it shows that 1) you have very little experience with the opposite sex, 2) your experiences have all been unpleasant (and you are the common denominator in all those experiences) or 3) you just are a bitter person in general.

    It might help your cause — whatever that is, to try to get to know ONE woman intimately than observe” all women” from a distance and make sweeping statements that have no basis in reality. You’ll be surprised that we are individuals, just like men are. But then again, with an attitude like that, I’m sure it’s hard to find a woman who’ll want to know you intimately. Tough!

  80. Magnet101 says:

    I’m a 43 single man who has dated and slept with uncountable number of women, I think I’ve enough experience on women and would love to debate you on the subject. I personally find you very fascinating as few women, at least the ones I know, can’t hold a different view and stick to their convictions. I’m referring to you being the only coach out there who does not promote no contact. I just wish you allowed more debate on experiences with women. Believe me, you’d get a lot more people on your blog than you’re getting now.

  81. First of all, I’m not surprised that I fascinate you… I’m awesome like that… (brag, brag!)

    Narcissistic self-adoration and self-absorption aside, there’s 3 reasons as to why I can’t grant your request:

    1. I’m a relationship coach, not an expert on “women”…); I’m sure there are men out who’d love to compare notes with you… just not here (in my cyber office)…

    2. I work with people who are already in relationships or at least proven that they are capable of sustaining one. I share what I believe to help, not to gain approval or make others agree with me. I get very uncomfortable when people kiss my-you-know… I don’t do it to others and don’t like it done to me.

    If someone resonates with what I put out there and thinks it’s useful, I know I’m being of help to someone else, that’s what matters.

    3. I don’t have the luxury nor the interest in spending hours in cyber space. I can only spare a few hours a day to be on the internet. I try to make those hours count, and count to me is measured in “have I been of some help today?” Between four websites and two blogs, I think I’m doing pretty okay.

  82. Ian F. says:

    The only “rule” that makes any sense is to be yourself. Women should stop taking advice out of outdated books like “The Rules” and just do what comes naturally. You will save a lot of time and effort on both your parts just being yourself.

  83. I totally agree! Unfortunately, what comes naturally to some people is manipulation, deception, anxiety, fear, drama, selfishness…

  84. Granpajons says:

    I always thought that males and females are very different in tendencies and traits. But the more I understand myself more deeply, the more I’m convinced that women’s tendencies and traits are the same as mine and I must learn to accept that. Interestingly, this new understanding has brought me in contact with many amazing women, women I’d never in my wildest dreams thought would be interested in me. My current girlfriend is upbeat, positive, grounded and very smart.

  85. Asso says:

    I am a man, and want to say that there’s no woman on this planet who hasn’t mastered the art of mind games. When they want to get men to do things that they want or need, they use methods to control you emotionally.

  86. Every time someone announces “I am a man” is makes me wonder that perhaps he does not feel that people will recognize that he is a man unless he announces it.

    Why not just state your opinion and let others judge if it’s “a man’s” — or not.

    As for your comment ” there’s no woman on this planet…” Since you haven’t met every woman on this planet, your venting is most likely just frustration with the women you’ve met. You need to get out more…

  87. Asso says:

    Believe me, I meet all kinds of women but I’ve never been attracted to black women. They are all ugly. I’m only attracted to white women, Asian and latino women. They have beautiful features.

  88. I hear you… we all have different things that we find attractive in others, and no one should be made to feel guilty for who he/she is attracted to.

    My advice is still the same. Get out more and meet more of the type of women that you are attracted to. The more you expand your experience, the more you see that not all women are into mind games.

  89. Get_real says:

    If you’re interested in a guy let him know??
    If you like a guy, ask him out???

    WRONG! Guys want to chase and are turned off by a girl who is too easy to get. Sorry but the “Rules” are much more accurate than this garbage. All you’ll get with this is giving a guy the upper hand who won’t value you the way he should. I know from experience! Making a guy work for you – works!

  90. You are RIGHT about one thing. The “Rules” are for “girls”.

    See the difference: Dating A Girl Vs. Dating A Woman [So Spot On]

    Try a WOMAN’S approach, you’ll not only attract emotionally mature guys, you’ll also have better experiences with men. Just a suggestion…

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