I’ve lost quite a few clients when I explain to them that I can’t predict with one hundred percent accuracy what their ex will say or do next (even psychics can’t predict with one hundred percent accuracy how things will turn out). But I can help them make links between different pieces of information, increase their ability to make decisions despite incomplete or ambiguous information, resolve difficult and challenging issues and problems that may hinder progress towards reconciliation, and help them communicate to their ex in such a way that he/she not only becomes more interested in giving the relationship another try, but becomes enthused and committed to it.

But apparently that’s not what they want. What they want to know is: Will my ex come back? What is my ex thinking? Will my ex contact me?  Will my ex find someone else? Will my ex leave the new man/woman? How long will their rebound relationship last … and so on (and on and on…).

No doubt, having “psychic” abilities would make everyone’s life easier in many respects. The reality however, is that in this process — which is only very normal – things will not always go your way. You can never move fast enough, even though it seems at the time that all you have to do is say some kind of magic words, and your ex will be back into your life — and arms. And sometimes one word or one small event can make or break it for you. At times when all hope is lost a glimmer of hope may begin to appear.

This “things will not always go your way” is the hardest part to deal with for most men and women. They get all stressed, anxious, nervous and all over the place because they do not have “fixed information” (illusion of predictability) to predict exactly what’ll happen next. Some people engage in worrying and worst case scenarios as a way of preparing themselves for the worst. Others create situations where they get into a fight with their ex (spy on their ex, say or write nasty things about the person), and completely kill the possibility of ever getting back together.

If you find yourself doing things like a child or adolescent who is acting out, you’ve crossed the line from trying to get your ex back to driving your ex further away. What causes people to shoot themselves in the foot like this is not what the ex is doing but their inability to handle their anxiety in the face of unpredictability and uncertainty. In many instances, you’ll find that your goal has shifted from trying to get your ex back to fighting the anxiety and toxic stress caused by the uncertainty of the situation– and you are paying “an expert’ hard-earned dollars to play psychic (or ex basher) instead of help you get your ex back.

You simply can’t predict with 100% certainty what your ex will or will not do. It is unrealistic to expect your ex to play his or her “part” and things to just “fall into place” the way you want them to. But just because you can’t “program” your ex to respond exactly how you’d expect him or her to does not mean that you should not seek to bring your own sense of direction to the process and take the relationship where you want it to go.

To some this may sound paradoxical in that: How can one bring a sense of direction when you can’t predict what will happen and how things will turn out? Isn’t being able to control direction also being able to eliminate the possibility of the unexpected happening, and in some circumstances, eliminate all risk?

There is no paradox here.  Being in control of a situation – especially one as unpredictable as getting an ex back – is mastering the art of calmness.

What you need to do first and foremost is accept that wherever human beings are involved, it is impossible to be 100% certain as to what they’ll say or do at any given moment.  If you were dealing with a machine, you’d program it so that you know exactly what’s going to say or do – and why. But you are dealing with a human being — complex, versatile, ever changing and highly unpredictable by nature.

Simply put, be prepared for the fact that you cannot know everything and you cannot control everything at any one particular point in the process. Indeed, to expect the opposite would be unwise, and may detract you from achieving your goal of attracting your ex back.

Having control of the direction things are going in this process is nothing more than being aware of how your mind works, framing situations accurately, having a strategy for how you are going to attract your ex back, a high degree of imagination and flexibility, and an overriding willingness to embrace mistakes and surprises along the way.

Do you have a burning question that you’d like to ask me? Send it to datingcoach@sympatico.ca. Questions selected for the Love Doctor Blog will be edited as needed to protect privacy.