How Long Will It Take To Get My Ex Back?

Whenever I’m asked, “How long does it take to get my ex back?”, my heart sinks. Why?

Because every time we try to make love work in a specific way, at a specific time, in a specific sequence, it’s almost always certain that it’ll backfire on us — and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen it backfire on so many men and women.

You can not make love work on a schedule. You just can’t. You can create conditions and learn experience-enhancing skills, habits, traits or other behaviors that make love most likely to happen faster, but when love happens is ultimately out of your control.

This can be hard to swallow especially if you are so used to doing things at the pace you choose and at the times you choose for the results you want. Because you’ve always, by will power, hard work and determination made things happen, you can’t help but try to somehow force love to work on your schedule and do what you want it to do.

Occasionally you may succeed in manipulating a few things to work in your favour, but as you will soon find out, only temporarily. The harder you try to force love to work on your schedule and do what you want it to do the more stress, frustration and unhappiness you experience. In most case, all you end up doing is coming across as pushy, manipulative, controlling, desperate and needy.

Trying to force love to work on a schedule is what sometimes makes some people think that things are not working out even when everything is really working out the way it is supposed to. Many get discouraged and begin to lose hope, and others give up because it’s taking so long. Some give up just when they were closer than they were ever before.

Others take the drastic step of breaking up and cutting off all contact. On the onset this seems like regaining that sense of control because it somehow stops them from feeling the frustration with their current situation. But instead of feeling in control they find themselves thinking over and over about situations they have control over, and losing hours of sleep in search of that much needed but illusive “closure”.

And here is the tragic part. The way that you act and behave when things don’t go your way or when you don’t get what you want tells the other person what kind of person you will be like to live with (for the rest of their lives).  And since the greatest natural relationship killer is the fear of regret — something your behavior may already be causing — the other person will most likely want nothing to do with you after seeing you act pushy,  manipulative, controlling and/ or running away to hide instead of calmly facing the situation.

Let me say it again: You can not make love work on a schedule. The sooner you accept this simple truth the more likely that you’ll not only be able to salvage your relationship, but make it last for a very long time.

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33 Comments

  • Alex says:

    Thank you for your article, Yangki. Each time I feel anxious or hopeless I read some of your words and it helps me to relax and feel more at peace. I find it hard not to get discouraged when it feels like the progress I’ve made with my ex is undone–things will get better between us, he opens up a bit more and is communicative, but then regresses into acting arrogant and dismissive when we talk (although he does still contact me regularly). It makes it hard to put myself out there when I feel rejected by him. I know from your articles that some push and pull is normal, and I try to remain positive and not engage in the game playing, but after months of this behaviour it gets to be draining and I start to feel discouraged. Do you have any suggestions?

    • LOVE DOCTOR, YANGKI AKITENG LOVE DOCTOR, YANGKI AKITENG says:

      I hear you. It takes time and can get discouraging and even lead to giving up just when you were closer than ever. I have in my eBook “Dating Your Ex” a whole section on how to handle the push-pull phase. If you already have the eBook, make sure you follow the love principles outlined in previous chapters because it makes the push-pull phase a lot easier when you’re in the right attitude. Just trying to hang in there may prove to be a waste of time. And just following “how to” without the grounding of time-tested principles may just make things worse — and damage the relationship beyond repair.

      It’s all about how you perceive, handle and respond to uncertainty during this phase.

  • Mika says:

    My ex says he wants to be close friends and says he still cares about me. When I contact him he seems to be interested in what I’m doing on a daily basis. But he also says he does not want to have close contact because it’ll make it harder for each of us to move on. Its been almost a year of trying to get him back. What’s going on?

    • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng Love Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

      He obviously still cares about you, but a year trying to get him back and him still talking about moving on is not a good sign. Three things may be going on

      1. Things were really over a long time ago, and the two of you have just been dragging it.

      2. You’ve been playing too safe (or playing mind games) because you are afraid that letting him know how you truly feel will drive him away, and now you’ve been friendzoned.

      3. He’s not seeing the “change” that’ll convince him that the relationship is worth another try.

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