Question: Upfont, I know the statistics, studies and all of that stuff, I just want to know if I’m on the right track or may be I just don’t get it. I’m a 37 year old masculine attractive man but I’ve never been in a relationship for more than a few weeks.
I could be wrong but I think the reason why women don’t find me attractive is because I’m not your typical “New Age sensitive” type. The women I have dated have all told me that I come across as cold and scary on the first meeting. May be that’s because I feel very awkward with “girly girls” and find that only intelligent women “get” me (unfortunately, there are very few of them). My last date told me she was looking for a strong man, but I wasn’t the one because I didn’t want to talk about my feelings and emotions. I don’t think being strong has anything to do with being in touch with your feelings or showing emotion. I’m a man and not a woman. I didn’t even cry when my mother died because I just don’t like the idea of men crying. It looks weak, feminine and gay. Not to sound cold, it’s just so stupid. I really don’t understand how it attracts women who say they want the alpha male.
The reason I’m writing to you is that I’ve seen many of your articles on masculine women and feminine men (which by the way are very fair and make sense) and wondering, what’s your take on the attempt to repackage masculinity and make men be like women. Is it just BS?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: First of all I think “emotion” is not a “feminine” thing, it’s a human thing. Openly expressing and showing emotion on the other hand (i.e. crying especially in public) is seen as a female trait, although upbringing, childhood experiences, parental styles, culture, beliefs, media influence and social surroundings etc. play a major role in how we express and show emotion privately or in public.
Secondly, there are multiple factors that contribute to a woman’s attraction to a man and his ability to show emotion or talk about feelings is just one of the many.
Does it matter that you that you can show emotion or talk about feelings?
Yes, absolutely. As you’ve experienced, over guarded display of emotions in a relationship can lead to misunderstandings about how you’re really feeling.
In my humble opinion, a man who has “something to prove” or isn’t sexually confident around women or has unresolved issues with his sexuality is afraid that showing emotion may just “expose” how “unmanly” he truly feels on the inside – and others may take advantage of it. So he acts all “macho” when all inside he’s all scared, sexually insecure or confused. In my book that’s not a strength — it’s actually a weakness to hide behind a machismo façade or to be afraid of showing who one really is.
On the other hand, a man who recognizes that he’s a human being with emotions, is not afraid to admit it and occasionally allows himself to express his emotions in their raw state is the “real man”. Why? Because it calls for a strong sense of self identity and super confidence to just be real (human) and that is why most of us hide behind masks. I see such a man as someone who knows he’s “a real man” because he just IS (and doesn’t have to compensate with a macho-type image).
But I understand what you mean by “typical New Age sensitive” type and agree with you that to some extent it’s BS. Men who naturally combine the best of traditional masculinity and the sensitivity and emotional expressiveness required in today’s environment have always existed and still exist in many cultures all over the world. We in the West are just now beginning to acknowledge, accept, but most of all showcase such men. That’s the only thing that’s new.
This does not mean that all men who openly express their “sensitive” side are brimming with inner strength and super confidence. If the masculine in a man is not well developed, the feminine energy can sometimes get out of control. Unbridled feminine energy is not attractive to most women. There needs to be some kind of “balance” or “harmony” of energies for a man to be truly attractive when expressing his emotions.
The more developed and strong a man’s masculine energy is, the more aware he is of the ”feminine” energy he already has inside of him. The more aware he is of his feminine energy, the more confident he is in his masculinity. The more confident he is in his masculinity, the more freely he expresses his humanity without fear or shame – and the more sexy and attractive he is to women – and to human beings in general.
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Very insightful response. Western society in general has a problem with emotions. Some of this stuff that you write, no doubt with profound knowledge and wisdom ought to be out there reaching many people.
Have you considered having a tv or radio show?
You want to show emotion but society can make it difficult to just be yourself sometimes.
No question about it women are attracted to emotional men. I see it every day with black men here in America who show more emotion than all the othe races and women are drawn to them even those that do not look so masculine. I guess we’ll all start being more emotional to attract the babes.
I’m not familiar with the race dynamics in America and don’t know if women are more drawn to black men than men of all other races. It may just be that black men approach more women thereby increasing their success rate because they’re more comfortable doing it or because they’ve known and felt “rejection” all round for hundreds of years and one more doesn’t hurt… I don’t know…
“I guess we’ll all start being more emotional to attract the babes…”
As I said above, not all men can pull it off. And fake emotions can be more of a turn off than no emotions at all.
Not familiar with race dynamics in America? Don’t you read or watch tv?
Not so much TV but I read a lot… on IMPORTANT stuff…. which race in America attracts more women is not one of them…
Mike, I’ll have to close this line of discussion because nothing useful comes out of it. I’m more interested in how men and women can experience rewarding and fulfilling relationships that I know are possible for all of us. Ask me questions along those lines… I think I’ll I amaze you with my knowledge…
If he has the masculine physique, confidence with a little bit of swagger, sense of humor and a good heart, he can bawl like a baby and he’ll still be a real man in my eyes.
I don’t think it coincidence that I bumped into this post. Due to some tragedy in my life (a break up to be more specific), I got involved in this New Age spirituality journey. All seemed well at first, I felt I was healing and growing but lately I feel that all this spiritual stuff is making me too feminine even girly. It’s really scaring the hell out of me.
I’ve waited for over a month and keep checking for your response to Sage man. I also got involved in New Age teachings becaus I was looking for healing after a painful breakup. And even though I’m not gay, I’m very attracted to women never to men, I fear that I come across as gay because of how I express my innerself. What is your advice? Please?
To Glen and Sage man. I think it is great that you are learning and growing and healing and if you found that via the new age, all the better. I think you are just not used to the changes, and see yourself as more feminine than you really are. There are tons of new age women looking for men like you; maybe you need to change the type of women you are attracted to. I just really don’t think that learning and growing is going to make you gay or too feminine.
Glenn and Sage, I apologize for not responding to your comments much earlier. For some reason, I completely missed it. It’s only after Deborah’s comment that I realized I had not responded to either of you.
When you go through something like a break up or some traumatic event, there is a tendency for most of us to withdraw further in within ourselves. This ability to go in into ourselves is often associated with the feminine energy (which we all have, men and women alike). One of my articles explains this in more detail.
And I agree with Deborah that learning and growing is all part of the journey we call life. What it all comes down to is: “Do you like the person you are becoming?”. If you like who you are becoming then great! If not (as it seems in both of your cases), then no one can (and should) talk you into liking the “new age you”. The learning and growing is your journey (and yours alone).
Just trying to find a “new age” woman to compliment your feminine energy may create other “imbalances” that may lead to another breakup – and heartbreak. My advice is for you to try and find your own balance of these energies that you’re most comfortable with (and feels more like YOU). I think you’ll find Part 2 of the article I mention above helpful.