What Does Starting Over With Your Ex Mean?

how-to-start-over-new-relationship-with-ex.jpgQuestion: Yangki, I really want to buy your eBook because I love your articles and your approach to love and relationships. Can you clarify what you mean by “starting the relationship with your ex all over”.

My ex and I were together for 4 years. We’ve broken up several times but always found ourselves back with the other. I have no doubt she loves me, and I love her very much. My concern is that we have tried to make the relationship work so many times already, and it doesn’t work. What is the guarantee it will work this time round? Btw, she feels the same way.

Yangki’s Answer: Excellent Question.

What you have been doing with your ex is a “do-over”. A do-over means you are the same old people trying to inject life into the same old relationship that failed. You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result — it’s the definition of insanity.

Starting all over means that you have first and foremost let the old relationship die.

Like you, the biggest mistake most men and women who still love each other make is get back together right after a break-up. They mistakenly assume that because the feelings of love are still there and still strong, they can make it work. Most don’t do a postmortem on the relationship, don’t try to change anything and some don’t even talk about what happened. They just get back together and continue from where they ended.

Others fail to get their ex back because they try to get back together in the very first few weeks of contact. They get so excited that the other person is responding and mistakenly assume that means he or she wants to get back together. They are surprised when the other person starts distancing, asks for space, or says they are not ready to jump right back in a relationship.

Those that use “No Contact” as a strategy to get their ex back think that if they went away for a few weeks or months, and came back things will work out because enough time has passed — they can now begin afresh. Those that use “No Contact” as a strategy to get their ex back think that if they went away for a few weeks or months, and came back things will work out because enough time has passed — they can now begin afresh.

Most of the time those “fresh starts” never materialize because people who tend to be more drawn to “No Contact” also have primitive relationship skills for getting their relationship needs met by a partner. They create walls in order to survive instead of learning how to negotiate mutual agreements that further their interest. The only way they know how to take care of themselves is to leave, “I’ve got to get out of here”.

You probably have made one or all of those mistakes. It’s time to do it differently. Start all over.

For there to be a new beginning, don’t try to become a couple again immediately. Go through the loss and grief process together or separately, as you decide and is acceptable to the other. In my experience, couples who go through the grief experience together have a better chance than those that do it separately, or someone who insists “this is what I need” without any consideration for what “the relationship needs.”

Then begin dating each other like two new people meeting and getting to know each other again. That’s why the Book is called “Dating Your Ex” and not “Get Your Ex Back”.

It’s about starting a NEW relationship with your ex.

The old relationship is over. Now you start a new relationship but with someone you dated before.

You start like when you met. Texts, phone calls, dates etc. But for it t be a real a real “new beginning” of a new relationship, your ex has to see, feel and think something is different, something is new.

That can only happen when you are a “new you” — an improved version of yourself with something new to bring to the relationship. You also have to have an increased awareness while working to produce different results. The necessary ingredients are awareness, focus, action, consistency and persistence.

If you’ve honestly changed — become a better version of yourself, acquired new beliefs, habits, interests, relationship skills and tools – and behave like a better version of yourself, there is NO WAY you can have the same relationship again. No way!

Changing one aspect of the equation (YOU) changes the outcome. It’s simple math.

Anything else is a do-over… and you know where that will get you…same results!

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14 Comments

  • Yangki, after spending a week on your site, I realized something. I wasn’t the partner I should have been because I did not know how to be one. I feel ashamed of myself because now I see why she says I need to work on myself and learn how to be in a relationship. Do you think that if I changed, there is a chance for us?

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    • Your observation is so profound, and deep. I believe that shame if it moves you to positive action is not a bad thing.

      Will you changing be enough to get back your ex? I don’t I know. What I do know is that you changing increases your chances.

      There are so many other factors that affect the chances of getting back your ex, including: 10 Top Indicators You’ll Get Back Your Ex.

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  • I’ve read a lot of your articles. I find them helpful. After hesitating for 2 weeks, I finally reached out to my ex. He responded to my text, I called him and we spoke for an hr and half. I found out that he was hurting as much as I was and was even more hurt when I didn’t respond to his texts. I told him I regret not responding to his texts and he said he understands. We now talk every other day and both of us are initiating contact and also he’s said he’s willing to work together to make it work. I bought your book because I think we have a chance. I want to think this is the beginning of a new relationship or is it as you say the excitement of reconnecting?

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    • I think it’s both. His expressed willingness to work together to make it work and the fact that he’s initiating contact says that you have a very good chance of getting back together. Don’t rush it, build it.

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  • Yangki, I read just about every article you have written and also bought your book. I was drawn to your approach because I did not want to do no contact. We talked about contact on the day of the breakup and chose to remain close. For the first month we didn’t speak much but there was no period of no contact. After a month of texts and phone calls I asked her out and we’ve been spending lots of time together. She has invited me to family events and talks about us being together in the future. I think in general, things are going pretty well. So thank you.

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  • This makes a lot of sense. My ex and I live in different states but we text/call back and forth almost everyday. I have noticed that every time I bring up the old relationship he stops responding for a few days. Even if its something positive like reminding him of some place we went together, he doesn’t respond.

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  • This post caught my attention because I have recently ended a relationship with a guy I was with on and off for about 5 years. I was always able to convince myself that he had changed and take him back. For the first few weeks he acted like he’d changed, but then things went back to how they used to be. This is our 4th breakup and I have accepted that he will never change.

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  • My ex is not and never was good at communication. He plays games and is very hard to understand why. We didn’t speak for 8 weeks but that hasn’t changed anything. Every time we communicate it ends in either an argument, or worse.

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    • You both seem to have a lot of pent up emotions. If arguing was one of the reasons the two of you broke up, it means nothing has changed. There is no point in trying to get back together only to break-up again.

      You can’t do anything about your ex’s mind games, except refuse to be drawn in. But you can do something about you, to change how you respond so that things don’t always get to “or worse” point. Will making changes get you two back together? I don’t know. A lot depends on how much damage has already been done to the relationship. It’s always worth a try if you still love someone. I’ve seen people turn around a situation that seemed impossible.

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  • Yangki, how can a safe climate for communication be created and sustained in a situation where there is a lot of misunderstandings due to hurt feelings? We keep in contact and there are still some feelings for each other there, but I can feel he does not feel safe opening up to me.

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    • By being completely honest with oneself and with each other, respectful of the other’s feelings and opinions even if the you do not agree, and by refraining from hurtful responses. And once the door for open and honest communication has been opened, it must continue because if the other person at any one time feels that they are being manipulated, then they will either keep a very close watch on what they say or how they respond, or walk away.

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