Question: I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice, it is truly a great help. I am in a situation with an ex where I am not sure what it all means. My ex broke up with me in April of 09. We both agreed that we’d stay in contact. During all that time I messaged him once every week or every other week and sometimes he’d respond and sometimes not. Then for a few weeks he went quiet on me. I waited then texted him and again he responded. He was all friendly and being really nice to me.
Since November, he’s been responding more frequently although he is still responding very slowly and only in response to my texts to him. He asks me questions about how I’m doing and tells me about his work.
Last week he re-requested me on Facebook and I accepted. I feel like he is warming up to me but he has not directly said anything to suggest he wants me back nor has the conversation on the break-up come up yet. I do not want to ask him if he wants to get back together yet. Do you think he wants me back? He obviously knows I want him back. Are there some tell tale signs that say an ex is becoming interested again?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I agree with you that there is very little to suggest that he actually wants to get back together with you. However, as you’ve experienced, these things move progressively and tomorrow things could change.
One positive sign I see in your situation is that he’s open to regular contact. Most people don’t even get to this stage. It does not mean he wants you back, it just means he does not “hate” you or wants nothing to do with you (for whatever reason).
If you’re the one who initiated contact, him starting to initiate contact (regularly) is a good sign that he is warming up to you and taking responsibility for keeping communication going.
If you’ve been in contact via text, email or phone calls, moving things to face-to-face meeting is an encouraging sign. Again it does not mean you’re back together, it just means you’re both comfortable being in each other’s personal space.
The amount and degree of physical contact in some instances suggests a level of comfort with each other. This however is a little tricky as ex-sex can be very tempting even for people who have no intention whatsoever of ever getting back together. So don’t just assume because someone is getting all “hot for you” that he (or she) is emotionally warming up to you as well.
Another sign (probably the most telling of all) is the tone, content, depth and emotion of the contacts. If he’s letting you into details of his everyday life or future plans or intimate news about people he deeply cares about, that’s usually a good sign especially if he seems to have previously suddenly cut you off from this information.
Listen for words like “remain friends”, “I don’t want us to hate each other”, “whatever happens”, “I only wish the best for you”, “You’re a special guy/woman, any person would be lucky to have you”, etc. These are words common with exs who want to remain “friendly” but not looking to get back together and those looking for closure and getting ready to move on. It’s not always the case, but more often than not.
All this said, until you’ve had the “let’s get back together” talk, you’re officially not back together. Treat this whole experience as “Dating Your Ex”, that is, as if you’re just starting dating only this time it’s someone you’ve dated and had a relationship with before.
Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship). The old relationship didn’t have a strong enough foundation that’s why it broke down. It makes no sense trying to rebuild on a weak/faulty foundation however beautiful, and nice and cozy the inside was.
But most importantly, keep working on yourself. The more centered, confident and positive your vibe the more relaxed and attractive you’re to him. The less confident (and insecure) you feel, the more fearful you’ll be and will feel the need to control things which in turn will make him not feel like coming back.
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She told me we’ll never get back together yet her actions say otherwise. We still hang out and some days the conversations get a little flirty. She holds my hand and sometimes even kisses me on the cheek. Moving on probably would be the logical thing to do here, but I think I’m going to keep trying.
Seems like she still likes you but not sure she wants to be in a relationship with you. I admire your spirit of keep keeping on, however, just “not giving up” is not enough. What are you trying? I’ve seen men and women hang in there with an ex only to be told “there is now someone else”. Many feel hurt but what did they expect? Someone else who knew what to “try”came and stole the show! It’s the things that you’re trying (and not trying) that make the difference between she just “likes you” and “she’s again interested in you”.
I worked so hard to get her interested again and she was showing all the signs you list. But I must have said or done something that has made her pull back.
These setbacks are sometimes part of the journey. Don’t panic or get frustrated and give up just yet. If she became interested before, she can become interested again. Follow your “get ex back” plan/strategy – and be patient, calm and persistent.
I read the link you provided to the above commentor and it was very helpful. In my case the pulling away started from me. All the signs were there until she told me she had sex with another guy while we were broken up. I should have handled it better when she told me but I just couldn’t get my mind past her cheating and betrayal and kept pushing and pushing for details. Now we seem to have gone back to one text a day or none at all. Can things go back to the point where she’s interested again? How? Btw, she’s 39 and I’m 31.
Yes, things can go back to the point where she’s interested again. What she needs is for you to show that you have moved on from it. You broke it off with her and she was probably trying to move on the best way she knew how to. Now you’re back together, it’s obvious that she’s wants to be with you and not him. So either you do the grown up thing and see this for what it is and that is, she did not cheat on you and she did not betray you (you were NOT in a relationship when it happened). Or let her go and both of you go your separate ways, which is a shame since there are many people who’d give anything to get an ex interested again.
You’re right. I do believe she is in love with me and all her other actions say so. I let my own insecurities get in the way. It’s time I show her I’m over it and want her in my life. I’ll keep you updated.
I suggest that you have one adult discussion – talk it through until you both feel whatever needs to be said has been said and then YOU (must be you) close the subject by saying, this is behind you and will no longer be a viable topic of conversation unless something changed or something new happened that is related.
There is hope for celebration here, so please keep me posted…
So, what is the best thing you can do when the ex is slowly warming up to you but you’re still unsure if they are actually regaining interest?
“Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he/she is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship)”.
My ex sent me a text after months of no contact. I texted her back and asked if I can call her. We talked for 4 hours. She said she missed me and it’d be nice to see each other again. I told her I missed her too and wanted to see her again. I haven’t heard from her since that day. I’ve texted, emailed and called but no response. It’s been 10 days. I know she’s seeing someone and just don’t understand why she contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to see me again. I’m feeling crashed.
If it helps at all, what you’re going through happens to a lot of people (unfortunately). There are several reasons an ex would contact you out of the blue and then goes quiet again or completely disappears.
1) She just wanted to see if you still had feelings for her (ego trip); 2) If she dumped you, she may have felt some guilt and was concerned about how you were doing; 3) She was feeling lonely or bored (or both) and impulsively contacted you with no real interest in re-opening the lines of communication or even getting back together; 4) She genuinely missed you and contacted you thinking that she was ready for re-engagement but realized she was not; 5) She still wants to see you again but something important that has nothing to do with you came up.
It could be any one of these reasons or none. It’s always wise not read too much into one or even 3 sporadic contacts from an ex. Wait and see what “explanation” she gives the next time she contacts you. If it does not make sense, let her go…
I’ve had 2 attempts at contacting my ex with the hope of mending the relationship but ended up getting hurt again. If they are the ones who walked away then they are the ones who have to be the ones to walk back. Contacting an ex because you think it’ll work only leads to more heartache.
If someone wants to try to get his/her ex back that person should follow his/her own heart and not what someone else says based on their own bad experiences with their exes. Not all exes are the same. It could work out and it could also not work out, but it’s better to follow one’s heart than someone else’s experience. This is just my opinion.
My ex and I reconnected over a month ago. We were texting, talking on phone and if felt very good. He didn’t ask me what I was doing for Valentines Day and I didn’t bring it up. Monday the day after Valentine’s Day I sent him a text as I’ve done for the last month or so and asked him what he did on Valentine’s Day. He replied my text relatively quickly but ignored my question about Valentine’s Day. I texted him back and no reply. I texted again Tuesday but only got a short sms from him with 10 -20 hours delays between when I sent mine and when he responded. On hindsight I now look back and wonder if may be I should not have asked about his Valentine’s day since we’ve been apart for so long. Or may be I misread his friendly gestures to mean he was starting to be interested again but it wasn’t the case after all. Oh well, I’m glad we reconnected but will now try to move on. It’s hard but what else is one to do?
I think you’re over-thinking this. It’s only been four days! In many of my articles and eBook, I talk about why it’s important not to panic and give up too quickly or panic and do something really desperate like try to end the torture of “uncertainty” by writing a “good bye” text or email.
You are not in his head and don’t know what he’s thinking. Learn to sometimes take things at face value and let other people do things in their own space and time. It helps with your sanity. Who knows, he may even surprise you with a text — and how foolish will you feel if you find out his “silence” had nothing to do with you!
He texted me and later called me on the phone. We had a long talk in which he basically said he was not ready for a relationship now because he’s feeling depressed for not finding a job for a long time. He asked me if I still want him even though he has no job and I said the job did not matter to me. We’re back to texting and calling each other. I feel good about this. Thank you for you advice not to overthink things.
You’re tips are really helpful, and I especially enjoyed this article. My ex and I broke up about a week ago. Her and I were dating for about 4 months, but we both went into the relationship too fast, like saying “I love you” too soon, and jumping to sex quickly before really getting to be “friends” before our relationship. She broke up with me because she felt that we were never really on the same page, and that she was no longer in love, but still cared about me. We still contact each other everyday (Primarily her intiating the conversation,) and we only see each other when we work together. I just seem to be confused on her signals though, she flirts with me whenever we are together. She is always looking at me, and smiles whenever we make eye contact. I know she doesn’t want to jump back into a relationship with me just yet, but I want to understand why she’s sending these signals, and I wonder how I should handle this.
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad the tips are helpiful. I believe this article answers both of your questions
What Do You Do When Your Ex is Sending Mixed Signals?
We were so happy together for nearly 7 years, we never had a fight and were devoted to eachother. He moved to a different city for his job and used to come back every weekend and towards the end of our relationship he became distant. I knew he was worried about his career. He broke up with me saying that he’s changed and I’m perfect but he doesn’t know how to be with me because he doesn’t feel like himself. Since we broke up I found out he’d slept with someone else and I have no idea if they’re still together. We’re in touch a bit and he’s chatty with me but I don’t know what it means. Does he want me back?
I don’t think being in touch and a bit chatty alone means he wants you back. There have to be many of the signs listed here to show he’s interested, not want you back but interested. It’s a gradual progressive process that begins with interest (again).
Your advice works. He has agreed to give the relationship another chance. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thought I’d drop by and let you know your eBook changed my life. I read other books that said not to be friends with your ex because if my ex wanted friendship why did she breakup with me? Your eBook opened my eyes to the possibility that things can go from bitterness and hate to something really good. We’re able to genuinely be friends again. We’re spending more and more time together and a couple of times we’ve held hands and she’s leaned on my shoulder in a movie theatre.
I’ve done everything by the eBook so far and it has worked out really great. I’m confident that it’s only a matter of time before we’re back together.
YES… it is possible to be friends again…
Sending you positive energy reinforcement… ):
My appreciation to you is in the highest sense.
I’m reading your “Dating Your Ex” eBook and I must say it’s very different from all the books I’ve read about the subject. The one thing I love about your book is that it doesn’t just say “you can get your ex back”; it actually spells out how to become more attractive to an ex in very specific terms and details exactly what needs to be done differently – what to do more of and what to do less of. I feel like I’m finally, thanks to your work, getting some control over the chaos.
Talking to you, I too got the feeling you are now in control and it shows. Keep me updated by email…
I changed so much after my breakup so much that my ex who am now trying to win back says she sometimes doesn’t recognize me. Is that a good or bad thing?
It can be either. If she likes the changes then it’s a good thing. If she thinks you’ve changed some of the “good” aspects of yourself that she was first attracted to, then you can say that’s a bad thing.
We had a good relationship, no major disagreements and no cheating. Though we still love, admire and respect each other very much, we started to see life differently and needed to be apart. It was his decision to be apart. I bought your book and followed your advice. We stayed friends and kept each other in the loop about our respective lives and personal growth. We’ve been seeing each other more and more. At first it was just me initiating all the meetings but the last three he asked me out and we had such a wonderful time.
In your book, you write that when someone is equally engaged is the time to bring up the topic of getting back together. Well, I believe it’s the right time but need confirmation from an expert. Your advice has been very helpful so far and your guidance will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Thank you for your question. It’s one I get asked quite a lot in emails and one I feel has not been addressed enough on my blog. I decided it’s best to post it as a separate question because it deserves that much attention.
Please click on the link for my answer: Should I Ask My Ex About Getting Back Together?
My ex and I have been broken up for almost 2 years and we both even moved on to new boyfriends & girlfriends. In March he friended me on Facebook and we’ve been getting closer ever since. We both realize that it took this time apart to realize what and where we went wrong. Should I tell my present boyfriend that I’m still in love my ex?
That depends on what you want to do with the love you have for your ex. If you have no intentions of getting back with him, I think it makes no sense to tell your current boyfriend. Instead tell your ex that you have someone else and he’s the one you want to be with. If on the other hand, you are thinking of going back to your ex, then please tell your current boyfriend. Put yourself in his shoes… finding it out from someone else….
Trying to eat your cake and have it too, has a way of ending up with nothing…
First, your ebook is amazing. I’ve been following your advice to the t, persistently pushing but not too pushy. Now here is the tricky part, following your ebook, I sent him an email asking if he’d like to meet for coffee. He immediately sent a text back saying “I’ll do you better. Coffee and a walk by the park” and added a smiley face. This is what we always did when we were together. I don’t want to become too hopeful and push him away and also I’m a little scared that may be things are moving too fast. You did say to watch for this kind of situations because sometimes things can go too fast and end up going wrong too quickly. What do you think?
I think…. GREAT! …):
Go for the coffee and walk, and see what happens. The going too fast to no good is if this is your first face to face meeting and you end up heavy making-out or even having sex. While it might not matter so much (you’ve done it before, no surprises there), you don’t want it to be “the goal” of why he met you. As I write in the eBook, always leave the “there will be a next time” last impression.
Other than that… have fun, and don’t worry too much about pushing him away. If you’re following the advice in the eBook, you won’t!
Thank you, Yangki. I feel less anxious and more confident meeting him. I’ll definitely avoid that!
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me and less than one month later he was in a new relationship, but he still contacts me. I told him it’s wrong for him to be talking to me when he has a girlfriend but he says she does not know he is talking to me. A couple of weeks ago, I texted him and he asked if he could come over. We had sex. Last weekend he texted me and came over and stayed at my place. He is with her but she does not know he is sleeping with me. Does this mean he is not happy in his new relationship and misses me?
I can’t tell if he is or is not happy in his new relationship. What’s obvious though is that he is eating his cake and having it too. Two women willing to sleep with him any time he wants…
It’s possible that he miss you but sleeping with you is not enough sign that he is interested in you in “want you back” way.
My ex and I recently started communicating again. We’ve mostly talked about our lives and mutual friends. The other day he said something about how we used to love going to this coffee place. I was surprised because I thought he did not want to talk about the relationship. Does this mean that he is remembering the relationship and missing what we had? Could it be that he wants me back? It’s been 8 months since he broke up with me.
It’s natural for an ex to remember the good things about the relationship and even say they miss those things. But it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested in re-igniting the relationship. You’d have to see a lot more “interest’ than this to conclude he wants you back.
He broke up with me June of 11. I bought your ebook and applied the techniques. Since November we see each other every weekend and texting almost every day. We hug and have long passionate kisses but no sex. This last weekend things got pretty heated and we ended up in his place. It’s the first time I have been there since the breakup. He still had my pictureon his nightstand and my toothbrush in the bathroom. Does this mean he wants me back or he just forgot to put them away? He did take off all the pictures of us in his Facebook page and changed his status to single . We were together for 2 years. I’m 28, he’s 31. I want him back sooooooo bad.
No one forgets to put away pictures of his/her ex. The fact that reminders of you are still in his place and on display means he’s still into you. Does that mean he wants to get back with you? Looks like it. Whether he wants to do it right away is not so clear. I suggest that you don’t rush this. If things are progressing (not stagnant), it’s always a good thing. Rushing it or starting some mind game playing to pressure him because you want to know what’s going on in his mind may create the kind of tension/stress you don’t need right now.
Look at it this way, your pictures and toothbrush there means that he’s not seeing anyone else, at least not seriously enough to cause you to worry. That’s good… ):
We’re pretty much back together. For two straight weeks I’ve been staying at his place and he even took me to his parents for the holidays. But he has not come out and said we’re officially back together. Is this a good or bad thing?
If things are moving along (more actions towards getting back together), don’t rush it. It’ll happen when the time is right.
I want start by saying than you for your eBook and many articles, they have helped a lot. Before I bought your eBook I was doing all the things you say not to do – not picking up the phone when he called and trying to make him jealous. Stopped all that and took your approach. We are talking on the phone and text messaging regularly. I am to the point where I am allowing him to call and text me more. I want us to continue on this path but I’m worried that he might be just in it for the attention because there are no other available options for him. How do I make sure I’m not taken for a fool?
I’m happy to have been of help. You are right to be cautious… unfortunately, there is no sure proof way to tell if he is serious or just in it until someone else comes along. Best advice is to take your time… take your time. Don’t rush into sex because if that’s all he wants, then he’ll be gone after he gets it. Watch for the signs that things are progressively looking like you are getting back together (all that’s in the eBook). Actions more than just words.
What if he keeps the lines of communication open, sends you a happy birthday card and tells you he thinks about the good times. It is a sign he’s thinking of me, but does it also mean more?
You are right, it’s a sign he’s thinking of you, and that’s always a good. Alone, however it says little about whether he wants you back or not. Depending on how long ago you broke up, he could just be having a hard time letting go (but will eventually let go), it could also be that he wants to remain friends. Keep the lines of communication open and see what happens… that is, if there are more positive signs.
Hi Yangki, thank you for your advice. My ex and I are still not back together but we’re practically dating again just taking it slow and not trying to rush right back together.
We’ll see what happens. I think it is all going to work out.
Thank you so much for this blog. I wasn’t ready to walk out of my relationship or give up. After reading your blog, I saw how no contact would have just increased distance between the two of us and decided against it. After two months of contact with seemingly no results, we are dating again. I asked him what made him change his mind and he said, it was the way I handled the breakup. It made him realize how much I really cared about him even when he acted immature. Now I’m at the stage of easing him into us trying the relationship again. I came here to say “thank you” for you honest and mature advice. Please wish me good luck D:
Laurie, you just made my day!
I know you think you have come this far because of my advice, and I’m tempted to take some credit for it, but believe me, it’s ALL YOU! You took charge of your own happiness and I’m so happy that it’s working out for you.
Just luck? No! TONS of luck and positive energy from me to you. Just keep doing what you are doing… it’s working.
He is not showing the signs above but he is avoiding me and when I text him he does not reply. But he talks about me to him friends and says he’s happy since the breakup but I know he is not. We were at a party and I saw him and he saw me so I asked him if he wanted to dance, he turned me down. I did not get angry and started to dance with my friends and other attractive guys. I think he was jealous because he left and went to another party. I later texted him to apologize if I made him mad but I never got a reply. Isn’t true that when your ex is still in love with you and don’t want you to know they still have feelings for you, they try not to show you and even treat you in a mean way?
Isn’t true that when your ex is still in love with you and don’t want you to know they still have feelings for you, they try not to show you and even treat you in a mean way?
Yes, it’s true…. in kindergarten! A kid in kindergarten treating you in a mean a way because he/she likes you is emotional immaturity. An adult treating you in a mean way is not love, it’s emotional abuse.
“….says he’s happy since the breakup but I know he is not’ ” … I think he was jealous…” are stories you are telling yourself, ones you want to believe.
He is avoiding you, does not respond to your texts and turned down your request to dance with him, those are the hard facts. The facts don’t show someone who is becoming interested.
I posted here a while ago. I got back together with my ex Nov. 2011 and things have been going pretty well. This was after 5 months of maintaining steady contact and showing her I changed. I hope the same can happen to all of you. Good luck.
Thank you for being so kind as to leave an update. It’s so easy to give up when things get hard but reading another’s success story and how they did it helps others to keep going on. I appreciate it!!!
My ex broke up with me after 3 and 1/2 years together. I was heartbroken and used no contact to heal. Yestarday I sent him a text “I’m really excited about the weekend… never mind”. After 2 hours he responded “Have fun!” Do I respond and what do I say? Mind you we had 4 weeks of absolutely no contact from either side. Does it look like he is interested?
“Have fun” doesn’t exactly sound like someone who is excited about hearing from you after 4 weeks of absolutely no contact. But what did you expect… You threw the bait he spat it right back at you.
I’ve been on your blog every day for two months and I see progress with my ex. She broke off with me because she was unhappy but asked if we could at least be friends because she didn’t want it to end without us knowing about each other’s lives. I told her if we can’t be gf and bf we could not be anything else. She cried and told me she wished she felt differently. I decided that we should not contact each other. I wanted to give her space and hopefully she will realize she made a mistake. But after finding your blog I broke the no contact rule after only 8 days. I started to contact her and she responded but rather reluctantly. Now we talk on phone 3 times a week and have been out 3 times. I told her I still love her and want her back and she said “we’ll see” with a smile. She shows she still cares about me in many ways. I’m trying so hard not to get my hopes up.
Given what you wrote, I’d have hope too… ):
Nothing wrong with having some hope… as long as you are realistic about it.
Good luck!!!!
I didn’t cut off contact with my ex like a lot of people recommend. We just have so much love for each other but the relationship wasn’t working. I still talked to him as if he was my best friend even though I was still romantically interested in him, and he wasn’t interest in me in that way. Slowly we started hanging out together and even holding hands occassionally. We both agreed we would not be intimate because it’d spoil what we had. Well, an interesting conversation over the weekend made me think he is reconsidering the breakup. He said “I don’t understand why we couldn’t be like this before”. I asked him “like how?” and he said “like this, and kissed me on the lips”. My question is, do you think he is at least thinking of getting back together?
“I don’t understand why we couldn’t be like this before” could mean 3 things.
1) The dynamic between the two of you has changed for the better and that is beginning to make him think… may be this can work.
2) He sees how good what you have right now is, but wondering (aloud) if it can be sustained long-term.
3) There is still strong sexual chemistry and since you haven’t been intimate but hangout with each other and hold hands, the sexual tension is up the charts and he likes how it feels. It could explain “like this” and a kiss on the lips.
My advice is to continue doing what you are doing without rushing anything. If you do it right, the interest will show itself much more clearly. If the touching and kissing progresses much more quickly than the sharing of experiences, feelings, dreams and wanting to spend more time together, it means all it was is sexual tension.
I learned reading your ebook that you have to be friends for the relationship to have a solid foundation. If you try to get your ex back without that friendship first it is like building your house on quicksand. For the last 3 months that’s exactly what I have done, build on the friendship. I got the first signs of romantic interest a couple of weeks a go. It was my birthday and she called because she had a small gift for me and if I could meet her to get it. She handed me the gift and kissed me on the lips passionately. The second came yesterday, her mother was in town and she asked me to meet her. She told her “this is the guy I’ve been telling you about”.
In your opinion, are these signs that she is warming to me? Months ago, she didn’t even want me anywhere near her and accused me of trying to make her feel sorry for me. Which I must admit, I did try. But then I came upon your ebook and started building friendship first. I’m definably making progress, but not sure if I’m reading too much into it.
I don’t think you are reading too much into it. She’s definitely warming up to you and not just as a friend but as more than “just friends”. Don’t rush anything, continue building on the friendship but also push the boundaries of the “friends zone” once in a while as explained in the eBook. You don’t want her to feel like she’s the only one ‘showing interest” and you are just being “friendly”. That could turn things backwards very fast!
All my very best.. lots of positive energy your way. These kind of stories are the fuel that keep me doing this…):
Tried to use the friend thing to get her back. It didn’t work.
That’s because you were using “the friends thing” to get her back. People can sometimes sense when you have an agenda, and since your ex is more sensitive to you, agendas usually don’t work — or backfire.