Monday April 21st 2014

5 Signs Your Ex Is Becoming Interested Again

toronto_akiteng-886Question: I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice, it is truly a great help. I am in a situation with an ex where I am not sure what it all means. My ex broke up with me in April of 09. We both agreed that we’d stay in contact. During all that time I messaged him once every week or every other week and sometimes he’d respond and sometimes not. Then for a few weeks he went quiet on me. I waited then texted him and again he responded. He was all friendly and being really nice to me.

Since November, he’s been responding more frequently although he is still responding very slowly and only in response to my texts to him. He asks me questions about how I’m doing and tells me about his work.

Last week he re-requested me on Facebook and I accepted. I feel like he is warming up to me but he has not directly said anything to suggest he wants me back nor has the conversation on the break-up come up yet. I do not want to ask him if he wants to get back together yet. Do you think he wants me back? He obviously knows I want him back. Are there some tell tale signs that say an ex is becoming interested again?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: I agree with you that there is very little to suggest that he actually wants to get back together with you. However, as you’ve experienced, these things move progressively over time. Tomorrow things could change, who knows.

In the initial stages (which can take from a couple of weeks to months), some of the signs that show that he/she is becoming interested include:

1. Open to regular contact

It does not mean he wants you back, it just means he does not “hate” you or wants nothing to do with you (for whatever reason).

2. Initiating contact

If you’re the one who initiated contact, him starting to initiate contact (regularly) is a good sign that he is warming up to you and taking responsibility for keeping communication going.

3. Open to face-to-face interaction

If you’ve been in contact via text, email or phone calls, moving things to face-to-face meeting is an encouraging sign. Again it does not mean you’re back together, it just means you’re both comfortable being in each other’s personal space.

4. Comfortable with physical touch

The amount and degree of physical contact in some instances suggests a level of comfort with each other. This however is a little tricky as ex-sex can be very tempting even for people who have no intention whatsoever of ever getting back together. So don’t just assume because someone is getting all “hot for you” that he (or she) is emotionally warming up to you as well.

5. Letting you in on his/her emotions

Another sign (probably the most telling of all) is the tone, content, depth and emotion of the contacts. If he’s letting you into details of his everyday life or future plans or intimate news about people he deeply cares about, that’s usually a good sign, especially if he seems to have previously suddenly cut you off from this information.

Listen for words like “remain friends”, “I don’t want us to hate each other”, “whatever happens”, “I only wish the best for you”, “You’re a special guy/woman, any person would be lucky to have you”, etc.  These are words common with exs who want to remain “friendly” but not looking to get back together and those looking for closure and getting ready to move on. It’s not always the case, but more often than not.

All this said, until you’ve had the “let’s get back together” talk, you’re officially not back together. Treat this whole experience as “Dating Your Ex”, that is, as if you’re just starting dating only this time it’s someone you’ve dated and had a relationship with before.

Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship). The old relationship didn’t have a strong enough foundation that’s why it broke down. It makes no sense trying to rebuild on a weak/faulty foundation however beautiful, and nice and cozy the inside was.

But most importantly, keep working on yourself. The more centered, confident and positive your vibe the more relaxed and attractive you’re to him. The less confident (and insecure) you feel, the more fearful you’ll be and will feel the need to control things which in turn will make him not feel like coming back.

Reader Feedback

116 Responses to “5 Signs Your Ex Is Becoming Interested Again”

  1. CAdams says:

    She told me we’ll never get back together yet her actions say otherwise. We still hang out and some days the conversations get a little flirty. She holds my hand and sometimes even kisses me on the cheek. Moving on probably would be the logical thing to do here, but I think I’m going to keep trying.

  2. Seems like she still likes you but not sure she wants to be in a relationship with you. I admire your spirit of keep keeping on, however, just “not giving up” is not enough. What are you trying? I’ve seen men and women hang in there with an ex only to be told “there is now someone else”. Many feel hurt but what did they expect? Someone else who knew what to “try”came and stole the show! It’s the things that you’re trying (and not trying) that make the difference between she just “likes you” and “she’s again interested in you”.

  3. Alexman says:

    I worked so hard to get her interested again and she was showing all the signs you list. But I must have said or done something that has made her pull back.

  4. These setbacks are sometimes part of the journey. Don’t panic or get frustrated and give up just yet. If she became interested before, she can become interested again. Follow your “get ex back” plan/strategy – and be patient, calm and persistent.

  5. SDM852 says:

    I read the link you provided to the above commentor and it was very helpful. In my case the pulling away started from me. All the signs were there until she told me she had sex with another guy while we were broken up. I should have handled it better when she told me but I just couldn’t get my mind past her cheating and betrayal and kept pushing and pushing for details. Now we seem to have gone back to one text a day or none at all. Can things go back to the point where she’s interested again? How? Btw, she’s 39 and I’m 31.

  6. Yes, things can go back to the point where she’s interested again. What she needs is for you to show that you have moved on from it. You broke it off with her and she was probably trying to move on the best way she knew how to. Now you’re back together, it’s obvious that she’s wants to be with you and not him. So either you do the grown up thing and see this for what it is and that is, she did not cheat on you and she did not betray you (you were NOT in a relationship when it happened). Or let her go and both of you go your separate ways, which is a shame since there are many people who’d give anything to get an ex interested again.

  7. SDM852 says:

    You’re right. I do believe she is in love with me and all her other actions say so. I let my own insecurities get in the way. It’s time I show her I’m over it and want her in my life. I’ll keep you updated.

  8. I suggest that you have one adult discussion – talk it through until you both feel whatever needs to be said has been said and then YOU (must be you) close the subject by saying, this is behind you and will no longer be a viable topic of conversation unless something changed or something new happened that is related.

    There is hope for celebration here, so please keep me posted… :)

  9. kimmie says:

    So, what is the best thing you can do when the ex is slowly warming up to you but you’re still unsure if they are actually regaining interest?

  10. “Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he/she is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship)”.

  11. CrashedJoe says:

    My ex sent me a text after months of no contact. I texted her back and asked if I can call her. We talked for 4 hours. She said she missed me and it’d be nice to see each other again. I told her I missed her too and wanted to see her again. I haven’t heard from her since that day. I’ve texted, emailed and called but no response. It’s been 10 days. I know she’s seeing someone and just don’t understand why she contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to see me again. I’m feeling crashed.

  12. If it helps at all, what you’re going through happens to a lot of people (unfortunately). There are several reasons an ex would contact you out of the blue and then goes quiet again or completely disappears.

    1) She just wanted to see if you still had feelings for her (ego trip); 2) If she dumped you, she may have felt some guilt and was concerned about how you were doing; 3) She was feeling lonely or bored (or both) and impulsively contacted you with no real interest in re-opening the lines of communication or even getting back together; 4) She genuinely missed you and contacted you thinking that she was ready for re-engagement but realized she was not; 5) She still wants to see you again but something important that has nothing to do with you came up.

    It could be any one of these reasons or none. It’s always wise not read too much into one or even 3 sporadic contacts from an ex. Wait and see what “explanation” she gives the next time she contacts you. If it does not make sense, let her go…

  13. Jason says:

    I’ve had 2 attempts at contacting my ex with the hope of mending the relationship but ended up getting hurt again. If they are the ones who walked away then they are the ones who have to be the ones to walk back. Contacting an ex because you think it’ll work only leads to more heartache.

  14. If someone wants to try to get his/her ex back that person should follow his/her own heart and not what someone else says based on their own bad experiences with their exes. Not all exes are the same. It could work out and it could also not work out, but it’s better to follow one’s heart than someone else’s experience. This is just my opinion.

  15. Annabel says:

    My ex and I reconnected over a month ago. We were texting, talking on phone and if felt very good. He didn’t ask me what I was doing for Valentines Day and I didn’t bring it up. Monday the day after Valentine’s Day I sent him a text as I’ve done for the last month or so and asked him what he did on Valentine’s Day. He replied my text relatively quickly but ignored my question about Valentine’s Day. I texted him back and no reply. I texted again Tuesday but only got a short sms from him with 10 -20 hours delays between when I sent mine and when he responded. On hindsight I now look back and wonder if may be I should not have asked about his Valentine’s day since we’ve been apart for so long. Or may be I misread his friendly gestures to mean he was starting to be interested again but it wasn’t the case after all. Oh well, I’m glad we reconnected but will now try to move on. It’s hard but what else is one to do?

  16. I think you’re over-thinking this. It’s only been four days! In many of my articles and eBook, I talk about why it’s important not to panic and give up too quickly or panic and do something really desperate like try to end the torture of “uncertainty” by writing a “good bye” text or email.

    You are not in his head and don’t know what he’s thinking. Learn to sometimes take things at face value and let other people do things in their own space and time. It helps with your sanity. Who knows, he may even surprise you with a text — and how foolish will you feel if you find out his “silence” had nothing to do with you!

  17. Annabel says:

    He texted me and later called me on the phone. We had a long talk in which he basically said he was not ready for a relationship now because he’s feeling depressed for not finding a job for a long time. He asked me if I still want him even though he has no job and I said the job did not matter to me. We’re back to texting and calling each other. I feel good about this. Thank you for you advice not to overthink things.

  18. Jordan says:

    You’re tips are really helpful, and I especially enjoyed this article. My ex and I broke up about a week ago. Her and I were dating for about 4 months, but we both went into the relationship too fast, like saying “I love you” too soon, and jumping to sex quickly before really getting to be “friends” before our relationship. She broke up with me because she felt that we were never really on the same page, and that she was no longer in love, but still cared about me. We still contact each other everyday (Primarily her intiating the conversation,) and we only see each other when we work together. I just seem to be confused on her signals though, she flirts with me whenever we are together. She is always looking at me, and smiles whenever we make eye contact. I know she doesn’t want to jump back into a relationship with me just yet, but I want to understand why she’s sending these signals, and I wonder how I should handle this.

  19. Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad the tips are helpiful. I believe this article answers both of your questions

    What Do You Do When Your Ex is Sending Mixed Signals?

  20. Rachel says:

    We were so happy together for nearly 7 years, we never had a fight and were devoted to eachother. He moved to a different city for his job and used to come back every weekend and towards the end of our relationship he became distant. I knew he was worried about his career. He broke up with me saying that he’s changed and I’m perfect but he doesn’t know how to be with me because he doesn’t feel like himself. Since we broke up I found out he’d slept with someone else and I have no idea if they’re still together. We’re in touch a bit and he’s chatty with me but I don’t know what it means. Does he want me back?

  21. I don’t think being in touch and a bit chatty alone means he wants you back. There have to be many of the signs listed here to show he’s interested, not want you back but interested. It’s a gradual progressive process that begins with interest (again).

  22. Jenny says:

    Your advice works. He has agreed to give the relationship another chance. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  23. brickoreo says:

    Thought I’d drop by and let you know your eBook changed my life. I read other books that said not to be friends with your ex because if my ex wanted friendship why did she breakup with me? Your eBook opened my eyes to the possibility that things can go from bitterness and hate to something really good. We’re able to genuinely be friends again. We’re spending more and more time together and a couple of times we’ve held hands and she’s leaned on my shoulder in a movie theatre.

    I’ve done everything by the eBook so far and it has worked out really great. I’m confident that it’s only a matter of time before we’re back together.

  24. YES… it is possible to be friends again…

    Sending you positive energy reinforcement…(:

  25. brickoreo says:

    My appreciation to you is in the highest sense. :)

  26. Matt says:

    I’m reading your “Dating Your Ex” eBook and I must say it’s very different from all the books I’ve read about the subject. The one thing I love about your book is that it doesn’t just say “you can get your ex back”; it actually spells out how to become more attractive to an ex in very specific terms and details exactly what needs to be done differently – what to do more of and what to do less of. I feel like I’m finally, thanks to your work, getting some control over the chaos.

  27. Talking to you, I too got the feeling you are now in control and it shows. Keep me updated by email…

  28. Hopeful_J says:

    I changed so much after my breakup so much that my ex who am now trying to win back says she sometimes doesn’t recognize me. Is that a good or bad thing?

  29. It can be either. If she likes the changes then it’s a good thing. If she thinks you’ve changed some of the “good” aspects of yourself that she was first attracted to, then you can say that’s a bad thing.

  30. Kate says:

    We had a good relationship, no major disagreements and no cheating. Though we still love, admire and respect each other very much, we started to see life differently and needed to be apart. It was his decision to be apart. I bought your book and followed your advice. We stayed friends and kept each other in the loop about our respective lives and personal growth. We’ve been seeing each other more and more. At first it was just me initiating all the meetings but the last three he asked me out and we had such a wonderful time.

    In your book, you write that when someone is equally engaged is the time to bring up the topic of getting back together. Well, I believe it’s the right time but need confirmation from an expert. Your advice has been very helpful so far and your guidance will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  31. Thank you for your question. It’s one I get asked quite a lot in emails and one I feel has not been addressed enough on my blog. I decided it’s best to post it as a separate question because it deserves that much attention.

    Please click on the link for my answer: Should I Ask My Ex About Getting Back Together?

  32. TORN says:

    My ex and I have been broken up for almost 2 years and we both even moved on to new boyfriends & girlfriends. In March he friended me on Facebook and we’ve been getting closer ever since. We both realize that it took this time apart to realize what and where we went wrong. Should I tell my present boyfriend that I’m still in love my ex?

  33. That depends on what you want to do with the love you have for your ex. If you have no intentions of getting back with him, I think it makes no sense to tell your current boyfriend. Instead tell your ex that you have someone else and he’s the one you want to be with. If on the other hand, you are thinking of going back to your ex, then please tell your current boyfriend. Put yourself in his shoes… finding it out from someone else….

    Trying to eat your cake and have it too, has a way of ending up with nothing…

  34. Rochelle says:

    First, your ebook is amazing. I’ve been following your advice to the t, persistently pushing but not too pushy. Now here is the tricky part, following your ebook, I sent him an email asking if he’d like to meet for coffee. He immediately sent a text back saying “I’ll do you better. Coffee and a walk by the park” and added a smiley face. This is what we always did when we were together. I don’t want to become too hopeful and push him away and also I’m a little scared that may be things are moving too fast. You did say to watch for this kind of situations because sometimes things can go too fast and end up going wrong too quickly. What do you think?

  35. I think…. GREAT! …(:

    Go for the coffee and walk, and see what happens. The going too fast to no good is if this is your first face to face meeting and you end up heavy making-out or even having sex. While it might not matter so much (you’ve done it before, no surprises there), you don’t want it to be “the goal” of why he met you. As I write in the eBook, always leave the “there will be a next time” last impression.

    Other than that… have fun, and don’t worry too much about pushing him away. If you’re following the advice in the eBook, you won’t!

  36. Rochelle says:

    Thank you, Yangki. I feel less anxious and more confident meeting him. I’ll definitely avoid that! :-)

  37. Kendra says:

    My ex-boyfriend broke up with me and less than one month later he was in a new relationship, but he still contacts me. I told him it’s wrong for him to be talking to me when he has a girlfriend but he says she does not know he is talking to me. A couple of weeks ago, I texted him and he asked if he could come over. We had sex. Last weekend he texted me and came over and stayed at my place. He is with her but she does not know he is sleeping with me. Does this mean he is not happy in his new relationship and misses me?

  38. I can’t tell if he is or is not happy in his new relationship. What’s obvious though is that he is eating his cake and having it too. Two women willing to sleep with him any time he wants…

    It’s possible that he miss you but sleeping with you is not enough sign that he is interested in you in “want you back” way.

  39. Kel says:

    My ex and I recently started communicating again. We’ve mostly talked about our lives and mutual friends. The other day he said something about how we used to love going to this coffee place. I was surprised because I thought he did not want to talk about the relationship. Does this mean that he is remembering the relationship and missing what we had? Could it be that he wants me back? It’s been 8 months since he broke up with me.

  40. It’s natural for an ex to remember the good things about the relationship and even say they miss those things. But it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested in re-igniting the relationship. You’d have to see a lot more “interest’ than this to conclude he wants you back.

  41. katie says:

    He broke up with me June of 11. I bought your ebook and applied the techniques. Since November we see each other every weekend and texting almost every day. We hug and have long passionate kisses but no sex. This last weekend things got pretty heated and we ended up in his place. It’s the first time I have been there since the breakup. He still had my pictureon his nightstand and my toothbrush in the bathroom. Does this mean he wants me back or he just forgot to put them away? He did take off all the pictures of us in his Facebook page and changed his status to single . We were together for 2 years. I’m 28, he’s 31. I want him back sooooooo bad.

  42. No one forgets to put away pictures of his/her ex. The fact that reminders of you are still in his place and on display means he’s still into you. Does that mean he wants to get back with you? Looks like it. Whether he wants to do it right away is not so clear. I suggest that you don’t rush this. If things are progressing (not stagnant), it’s always a good thing. Rushing it or starting some mind game playing to pressure him because you want to know what’s going on in his mind may create the kind of tension/stress you don’t need right now.

    Look at it this way, your pictures and toothbrush there means that he’s not seeing anyone else, at least not seriously enough to cause you to worry. That’s good… (:

  43. Reya says:

    We’re pretty much back together. For two straight weeks I’ve been staying at his place and he even took me to his parents for the holidays. But he has not come out and said we’re officially back together. Is this a good or bad thing?

  44. If things are moving along (more actions towards getting back together), don’t rush it. It’ll happen when the time is right.

  45. Modele says:

    I want start by saying than you for your eBook and many articles, they have helped a lot. Before I bought your eBook I was doing all the things you say not to do – not picking up the phone when he called and trying to make him jealous. Stopped all that and took your approach. We are talking on the phone and text messaging regularly. I am to the point where I am allowing him to call and text me more. I want us to continue on this path but I’m worried that he might be just in it for the attention because there are no other available options for him. How do I make sure I’m not taken for a fool?

  46. I’m happy to have been of help. You are right to be cautious… unfortunately, there is no sure proof way to tell if he is serious or just in it until someone else comes along. Best advice is to take your time… take your time. Don’t rush into sex because if that’s all he wants, then he’ll be gone after he gets it. Watch for the signs that things are progressively looking like you are getting back together (all that’s in the eBook). Actions more than just words.

  47. Anna says:

    What if he keeps the lines of communication open, sends you a happy birthday card and tells you he thinks about the good times. It is a sign he’s thinking of me, but does it also mean more?

  48. You are right, it’s a sign he’s thinking of you, and that’s always a good. Alone, however it says little about whether he wants you back or not. Depending on how long ago you broke up, he could just be having a hard time letting go (but will eventually let go), it could also be that he wants to remain friends. Keep the lines of communication open and see what happens… that is, if there are more positive signs.

  49. Rochelle says:

    Hi Yangki, thank you for your advice. My ex and I are still not back together but we’re practically dating again just taking it slow and not trying to rush right back together.

    We’ll see what happens. I think it is all going to work out.

  50. Laurie says:

    Thank you so much for this blog. I wasn’t ready to walk out of my relationship or give up. After reading your blog, I saw how no contact would have just increased distance between the two of us and decided against it. After two months of contact with seemingly no results, we are dating again. I asked him what made him change his mind and he said, it was the way I handled the breakup. It made him realize how much I really cared about him even when he acted immature. Now I’m at the stage of easing him into us trying the relationship again. I came here to say “thank you” for you honest and mature advice. Please wish me good luck D:

  51. Laurie, you just made my day!

    I know you think you have come this far because of my advice, and I’m tempted to take some credit for it, but believe me, it’s ALL YOU! You took charge of your own happiness and I’m so happy that it’s working out for you.

    Just luck? No! TONS of luck and positive energy from me to you. Just keep doing what you are doing… it’s working.

  52. Tia says:

    He is not showing the signs above but he is avoiding me and when I text him he does not reply. But he talks about me to him friends and says he’s happy since the breakup but I know he is not. We were at a party and I saw him and he saw me so I asked him if he wanted to dance, he turned me down. I did not get angry and started to dance with my friends and other attractive guys. I think he was jealous because he left and went to another party. I later texted him to apologize if I made him mad but I never got a reply. Isn’t true that when your ex is still in love with you and don’t want you to know they still have feelings for you, they try not to show you and even treat you in a mean way?

  53. Isn’t true that when your ex is still in love with you and don’t want you to know they still have feelings for you, they try not to show you and even treat you in a mean way?

    Yes, it’s true…. in kindergarten! A kid in kindergarten treating you in a mean a way because he/she likes you is emotional immaturity. An adult treating you in a mean way is not love, it’s emotional abuse.

    “….says he’s happy since the breakup but I know he is not’ ” … I think he was jealous…” are stories you are telling yourself, ones you want to believe.

    He is avoiding you, does not respond to your texts and turned down your request to dance with him, those are the hard facts. The facts don’t show someone who is becoming interested.

  54. matt says:

    I posted here a while ago. I got back together with my ex Nov. 2011 and things have been going pretty well. This was after 5 months of maintaining steady contact and showing her I changed. I hope the same can happen to all of you. Good luck.

  55. Thank you for being so kind as to leave an update. It’s so easy to give up when things get hard but reading another’s success story and how they did it helps others to keep going on. I appreciate it!!!

  56. Dorcark says:

    My ex broke up with me after 3 and 1/2 years together. I was heartbroken and used no contact to heal. Yestarday I sent him a text “I’m really excited about the weekend… never mind”. After 2 hours he responded “Have fun!” Do I respond and what do I say? Mind you we had 4 weeks of absolutely no contact from either side. Does it look like he is interested?

  57. “Have fun” doesn’t exactly sound like someone who is excited about hearing from you after 4 weeks of absolutely no contact. But what did you expect… You threw the bait he spat it right back at you.

  58. Jojii says:

    I’ve been on your blog every day for two months and I see progress with my ex. She broke off with me because she was unhappy but asked if we could at least be friends because she didn’t want it to end without us knowing about each other’s lives. I told her if we can’t be gf and bf we could not be anything else. She cried and told me she wished she felt differently. I decided that we should not contact each other. I wanted to give her space and hopefully she will realize she made a mistake. But after finding your blog I broke the no contact rule after only 8 days. I started to contact her and she responded but rather reluctantly. Now we talk on phone 3 times a week and have been out 3 times. I told her I still love her and want her back and she said “we’ll see” with a smile. She shows she still cares about me in many ways. I’m trying so hard not to get my hopes up.

  59. Given what you wrote, I’d have hope too… (:
    Nothing wrong with having some hope… as long as you are realistic about it.
    Good luck!!!!

  60. Rehema says:

    I didn’t cut off contact with my ex like a lot of people recommend. We just have so much love for each other but the relationship wasn’t working. I still talked to him as if he was my best friend even though I was still romantically interested in him, and he wasn’t interest in me in that way. Slowly we started hanging out together and even holding hands occassionally. We both agreed we would not be intimate because it’d spoil what we had. Well, an interesting conversation over the weekend made me think he is reconsidering the breakup. He said “I don’t understand why we couldn’t be like this before”. I asked him “like how?” and he said “like this, and kissed me on the lips”. My question is, do you think he is at least thinking of getting back together?

  61. “I don’t understand why we couldn’t be like this before” could mean 3 things.

    1) The dynamic between the two of you has changed for the better and that is beginning to make him think… may be this can work.

    2) He sees how good what you have right now is, but wondering (aloud) if it can be sustained long-term.

    3) There is still strong sexual chemistry and since you haven’t been intimate but hangout with each other and hold hands, the sexual tension is up the charts and he likes how it feels. It could explain “like this” and a kiss on the lips.

    My advice is to continue doing what you are doing without rushing anything. If you do it right, the interest will show itself much more clearly. If the touching and kissing progresses much more quickly than the sharing of experiences, feelings, dreams and wanting to spend more time together, it means all it was is sexual tension.

  62. Brian says:

    I learned reading your ebook that you have to be friends for the relationship to have a solid foundation. If you try to get your ex back without that friendship first it is like building your house on quicksand. For the last 3 months that’s exactly what I have done, build on the friendship. I got the first signs of romantic interest a couple of weeks a go. It was my birthday and she called because she had a small gift for me and if I could meet her to get it. She handed me the gift and kissed me on the lips passionately. The second came yesterday, her mother was in town and she asked me to meet her. She told her “this is the guy I’ve been telling you about”.

    In your opinion, are these signs that she is warming to me? Months ago, she didn’t even want me anywhere near her and accused me of trying to make her feel sorry for me. Which I must admit, I did try. But then I came upon your ebook and started building friendship first. I’m definably making progress, but not sure if I’m reading too much into it.

  63. I don’t think you are reading too much into it. She’s definitely warming up to you and not just as a friend but as more than “just friends”. Don’t rush anything, continue building on the friendship but also push the boundaries of the “friends zone” once in a while as explained in the eBook. You don’t want her to feel like she’s the only one ‘showing interest” and you are just being “friendly”. That could turn things backwards very fast!

    All my very best.. lots of positive energy your way. These kind of stories are the fuel that keep me doing this…(:

  64. Jamesthe3rd says:

    Tried to use the friend thing to get her back. It didn’t work.

  65. That’s because you were using “the friends thing” to get her back. People can sometimes sense when you have an agenda, and since your ex is more sensitive to you, agendas usually don’t work — or backfire.

  66. Marty says:

    I ran in to my ex on Monday. We’ve not seen each other or communicated since we broke up in January. We spoke for about 5 minutes then I told her I had to be somewhere. Just as started to walk away she said “I really miss you”. It took me by surprise since she’s the one who decided that we should not have any contact. I told her I’d call her but haven’t for 2 reasons 1) I don’t trust someone who doesn’t contact me for over 5 months then tells me “I missed you”. Where has she been all this time? and 2) I’m getting married soon.

  67. No one owes and ex anything, least of all one you haven’t spoken to in over 5 months. But it’s courteous to let her know you “moved on”…. tie up loose ends, if you know what I mean. That’s just my opinion. You seem to have your head screwed on the right side… you do what you feel you have to do…

    Congratulations and all the very BEST!!!

  68. Emkat says:

    Yangki, tell me if I’m grasping for straws here. My ex and I broke up October of last year. His reasons were that we were growing apart and he didn’t feel for me the way he wanted. He had a point, the details I wont go into. We kept in touch and in that time I made some very big changes in my life, changed jobs, got fit again, more fun in my life etc. Lately, we’ve been hanging out more, dates and sleepovers etc. but he hasn’t said if we’re back together or not. Is this good or bad?

  69. Emkat says:

    Just thought you’d know, I followed your eBook lol. Just not sure if things are still moving forward or this is as good as it gets.

  70. I don’t think you’re grasping for straws. Definitely becoming interested again… more than becoming interested… (:

    But you are right to be concerned that this can easily become as good as it gets. I’d be more helpful with some insight and input as to how this is unfolding if I knew what kind of conversations the two of you have. How you “emotionally connect” gives a better understanding of his “emotional” investment in those dates and sleepovers.

    By emotional investment I’m not talking about “what’s up”, “how was you day” chit-chats or number of texts a day. Those mean nothing, if there is no real emotional investment.

    That said, I strongly believe things are looking good for you… and sending you all the positive energy I can send… (:

  71. Redspot says:

    I went through a period of bitterness because she started dating someone within weeks of the breakup. But after spending time on your blog, I realized that it’s not healthy to carry that kind of anger around. I contacted her and for the last two months we’ve become close again. Last night she confided in me that things aren’t going well with the new b/friend. I’ve avoided talking about her b/friend and focused on light fun and showing her I’ve changed. Why do you think she told me this info?

  72. The love doctor in me wants to believe it’s because she wants you to know that there is a possibility that the other guy will soon be out of the picture… and you have her all to yourself… But who really knows why people say what they say.

    In this process, don’t get too hang-up on random words or actions because that can throw you off track very fast. Every day brings it’s own opportunities and setbacks, joys and hurts.

    Look more at the overall relationship — tone and direction. It’s a better indicator of where things are headed.

  73. rhea says:

    I just started the initial contact with my ex after a week of nc and he messaged me back right away. He told me a bit about how he is doing and also said we shouldnt talk to often, at least not until we’d grown because he didn’t want us to hurt each other. Does it mean that i still have a chance?

  74. It’s way too early to conclude one way or the other. See where things are a month from now.

  75. Aliant says:

    I can only speak from my point of view. One of my biggest challenges has been learning that I cannot control what my ex does. All I can do is monitor how I’m relating and responding and keeping myself tuned in to her needs. So far this seems to be working. She is warming upto me, asking more about my life and genuinely interested. I’m still doing most of the initiating contact but once in a while I get a text from her without me prompting anything.

  76. Emmie says:

    I’ve read dating your ex cover to over and love the mature approach you outlined. It made me feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My relationship wasn’t healthy, we fought a lot and said mean things to each other. Since following your advice we are getting on well without fighting over every small thing. Your advice has given a vision of how I can make it a healthier relationship for both of us. Thank you so very much.

  77. Thank you for your kinds words. I hope and pray that you find your way back to each other.

  78. Jimskie says:

    Over the past three weeks my ex and I have been calling and texting each other a lot. Last Monday, I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie and we had an absolute great time. After the movie we sat in my car talking and before she left she kissed me on the cheek. The next morning I texted her to tell her I had a great time and ask her if she wanted to do something else soon. She didn’t reply until Wednesday night. Her text was very brief, “I’ll talk to you soon”. She didn’t comment about Monday night and no word on going out again. Monday night I was sure we had a chance but I don’t know where we stand anymore because in the past she was been very adamant on where we stood. My question to you is, is there hope here or should I just walk away now. To be honest with you, I’m leaning towards walking away, again because she’s said in the past we would never get back together. I don’t want to assume she’s changed her mind in case I’m wrong.

  79. There is always hope when an ex is still willing to have contact and even go out with you. Your biggest problem is not your ex, your biggest problem is that you can’t stand the uncertainty of not knowing whether things will work or not. Walking away now seems easier than dealing with the anxiety from not knowing. I said “seems easier” because I’ve seen people walk away and have so many regrets later.

    I suggest that you spend sometime here on my blog, may be some things will click and you can actually make this work.

  80. Logan says:

    Ex and I broke up 4 months ago. We had no contact for a couple of months. I contacted her and she said she’s okay with us being friends but not lovers. We have been texting and calling each other, but I recently found out that her rebound man broke up just 2 weeks before I contacted her. Is she just using me for emotional comfort and attention or I’m a rebound?

  81. It’s possible she’s using you for emotional comfort, but until she tells you she wants you back, I don’t see how you are a rebound. For it to be a rebound, she has to express interest in wanting you back.

    There is also a third possibility you may have not considered. She thinks you are just friends — and you are okay with it.

    In my eBook, I advice against offering to be “just friends” because it makes harder to later transition to “lovers”. BUT… I also say if it’s offered to you, do not reject it. Take it as “opportunity/space for you to try to get your ex interested in you again”. How you use that opportunity/space could make all the difference.

  82. Milly says:

    My ex was warming up to me and we were texting every other day or a month. Him initiating contact 50-50. He won’t face chat (we’re LD) because he doesn’t want to fall back into getting involved with me (he’s tried to break up in the past and faltered when he saw me). He confessed he misses me and still has feelings but he knows he just misses memories and not the reality (arguing a lot etc). I noticed he backed off and reduced contact after I suggested face chatting. I may be winning his heart, but his head is getting in the way.

  83. Catherine says:

    We ended it mutually and agreed that we could still being “friendly” and we even talked about starting dating again sometime in the future. That future came in April, and we’ve been dating again for almost 2 months. The topic of getting back together has come up once or twice. I am excited but mostly nervous.

  84. Martes says:

    She broke it off because of wanting different things in life. I felt totally devastated and initiated nc because I could not do anything to change this situation. But after only 2 weeks, I contacted her and she replied right away. Over 3 weeks, we have been texting every few days and occasionally speak on the phone. Is this a good sign? I want to ask her if she wants to try the relationship again.

  85. Yes. The fact that you are in contact is a good sign, but it means very little at this point. The contact could stop any time or she could just be looking to be friends. I suggest that you do not get too excited yet and hold off talking about getting back together. Try to enjoy the times you spend together until you are somewhat certain she’s into you again.

  86. MelH. says:

    My ex has started initiating contact and has been contacting me almost every other day. He even apologize when he replies the next day. However, he plays hot and cold. Some days he’s very open and warm and other days he is detached and sometimes even rude. This is confusing for me. It’s not like I’m contacting him every day, and I have not brought up getting back together. I really have no idea what goes through his head.

  87. It’s impossible to know with certainty what’s going on inside another person’s head. If this is something out of character for him, meaning it was not something that he did when you were together, there are a few possibilities I can think of…

    1) If the break-up was recent, if there was betray or anything that could cause resentment, it’s possible that even if he wants to be in contact, he is still struggling with some emotions from the break-up.

    2) He genuinely likes you as a person (may be even still loves you), but is not sure if he wants a relationship with you.

    3) He wants to get back together with you at some point, but feels that things need to slow down a little bit. It’d be helpful if he just said it, but not all people are good at communicating how hey truly feel.

    Him initiating contact, contacting you frequently, and even apologizing when he does not respond in time, is a sign that he is making an effort, but conflicted somehow.

  88. Agnes says:

    Yangki, thank you so much for such a positive blog. The most important thing I’ve learned reading your articles is that a breakup is not always the end for good. My ex of 5 years broke up with me 4 months ago and i was fortunate to come across your book before I made many of the mistakes you warn against. We maintained contact and things have been getting better over the last one month. You have taught me a lot and I believe I needed it for our relationship to be where it is now. So, thank you.

  89. Moses says:

    I dont know how to really thank you. I have bought all your books and visit your blog regularly. With the help of your advice, my ex says shes open to giving the relationship another chance but wants us to attend couples counselling. Im just keen to know if you think this is a good idea.

  90. If your ex is open to working with you to create a better relationship than the one you had before, then work together as a team. I say, go for couples counselling.

  91. Lily719 says:

    My fiancé called everything off about a month before the wedding. That was 5 weeks ago, in that time we have only had 1 week without contact. He will not initiate contact but responds to text that don’t require a response and opens up about family and work. Things had been going great, we would talked on the phone for 2 or more hours a few times, this last contact he was defensive and cold and said talking was too confusing. He apologized for he actions via text right after we hung up. Is this just a bump or him pulling away?

  92. It could be both. I think he is reacting to how you are approaching this. Based on my experience, this kind of reaction from an ex is because you either want to talk about the old relationship (what happened, and why) or are trying to steer the conversation to “getting back together” too early in the process. That’s why he responds and opens up about some things and not others. Him saying it is too confusing to talk, is his way of saying he doesn’t want to talk what you want to talk about.

    I strongly advice in my book against both because you get exactly the kind of reaction you are getting if 1) you try to continue from where things ended or 2) prematurely push for a conversation on getting back together. You may not even realize that’s what you are doing, but that’s how it comes across to him. If you continue with the way you are approaching getting him back, you WILL push him away for good.

  93. Joe says:

    I have worked hard to rekindle our friendship, and while hard, it has been the best thing I ever did. Two months ago when we broke up she said she had lost feelings for me and didn’t think we would ever be together again. She wanted to see other people and told me to move on with my life. I told her I understood but wanted to stay in contact. At first it was random texts with periods of no contact. Fast forward, we now text each other every day and talk at least 3 times a week. She says she sees a change in me although she’s still not sure she wants to be with me. Does this mean she’s becoming interested or am I being overly optimistic?

  94. I think you are being cautiously optimistic, and that’s a good thing. Going from random contacts to steady and regular communication is one of the signs that things are moving forward. Where to, remains to be seen. A lot will depend on how you continue building momentum. As mentioned in the book, you MUST keep moving forward, and not allow things to stagnate for far too long.

  95. Isah says:

    My ex and I kept contact after I read your blog and bought your book. We always had a very special friendship, no contact didn’t make sense. Over the last 2 months, we’ve grown very close again and even discussed getting back together. Because the breakup was basically due to trust issues, she says it’s hard for her to make that leap. In your book you talk about asking for a trial period, is this one of those situations where a trial period might help reestablish trust?

  96. Yes. If there was ever a situation that would benefit from a trial period this is one.

    Make sure you discuss the terms and do a proper re-evaluation to avoid some of the complications mentioned in the book.

  97. Kenny says:

    I initiated contact after 4 weeks of no contact, she responded and has also initiated contact a few times, but she doesn’t say much just “hi” and when I answer “hi, how are you”, she does not respond. When I initiate contact however, she responds. Is this her way of keeping the lines of communication open and a sign that she’s interested?

  98. Yes and no to both keeping the lines of communication open and a sign that she’s interested.

    Yes, if when you do communicate, whether she initiates it or you do, your conversations are deep, meaningful and you feel you are getting closer.

    No, if she’s initiating contact just to nudge you to contact her, but isn’t opening up about anything.

    That said, in the initial stages, you’ll do most of the initiating contact until her interest picks up. This is why your concern shouldn’t be who is initiating contact more, but are you doing enough to get her interested to the point where she’s not only initiating contact, but wants to give the relationship another chance. The more interested she becomes, the more she’ll initiate contact on her own.

  99. Antonia says:

    Thank you so much for writing such positive uplifting advice. We don’t hear enough about the work that goes into making a relationship work again. I have made so much progress with my ex just following your blog and dating ex book. I know I still have a long way to go but whatever happens, thank you so much.

  100. Timothy says:

    My ex also broke up with me 2 and 1/2 months ago. Over the past few weeks we’ve been in frequent contact. I tried to get her to go out with me but she kept giving me the run around. I stopped asking her out and instead concentrated as you advice on making her feel emotionally safe. Last night she asked me why I don’t ask her out anymore. I was not sure what to say, so I told her I wanted her to be comfortable with it.

    Did I mess things up and do you think I should ask her out? All advice is appreciated.

  101. I think you handled the situation very well. I also think you should ask her out … she’s indirectly asking for it.

  102. Darcy says:

    My ex and I have managed to maintain communication, which I’m very grateful to you for. For the first 4 months things were pretty friendly, but there is what I think is a shift, but I may be over thinking it. We were talking and out of the blue he said “I can’t imagine not seeing you anymore!” I asked him what he meant, something you said we should always do and not just assume we know. He replied with, “I just can’t imagine you not in my life!” I’m not sure what to make of this development. Any insights as to what is happening?

  103. It’s a development, and a good one. Whatever you are doing is making him think of what his life would be without you, and he does not like what he sees. The more he sees value in having you in his life over not having you in his life, the more it’ll move him towards getting back together.

    You are on the right track. Maintain the contact and keep working on bonding at a deeper level, showing him the two of you are meant to be, the relationship can be better and the future happier.

  104. Lillian says:

    I’m following the advice in your dating ex book and I’m making progress although in the last few weeks there have been a few minor bumps along the way. He says things are moving too fast and he can’t handle it. I admit I took him showing interest to mean he wanted to get back together, and I may have said some things that created pressure for him. I apologized and we had a long talk about our future together. He says he really wants to work things out. Is it normal for someone to show so much interest but want to take things slow?

  105. Yes, it happens quite a lot but the plus you have on your side is that you are talking about a future together. That’s a good sign, so take him at his word. Don’t mess things up by creating unnecessary pressure.

  106. Maek35 says:

    I’m a bit confused. I read n one of your posts that you have to keep things moving forward but how to you do that without creating unnecessary pressure? Any examples of unnecessary pressure?

  107. I understand the confusion. There is healthy push, where you keep momentum and gently move someone forward either to make a decision or act. This is healthy and necessary for getting your ex back.

    Unnecessary pressure is when due to your own issues (controlling nature, neediness, fear, anxiety etc), you say or do things that create tension, stress and resistance (push back or pulling away).

    A good example is Lillian above. She’s making progress and he’s showing interest in wanting to work things out, then she jumps ahead of herself and starts saying things that make her ex pull back.

  108. Jasmine Yi says:

    My ex shows all these signs and we have amazing time together but then last night he said I should not consider him as a potential boyfriend again because he doesn’t think we should get back cuz we want different things out of our lives and we’ll go different paths. He also said he’s afraid because he himself might want to get back with me because we share love and other emotions when we’re together. Do I have a chance at all? How should I interpret this?

  109. It seems that he is torn between his feelings for you (the heart) and his feelings about the relationship (head/rationale). In other words, he’s still in love with you but does not think a relationship can work because he believes you are not compatible (whether that is true or just his perception, I don’t know).

    You may have a chance if you can convince him that you want the same things out of life, and you’ll be happier together than apart. It’s an uphill battle, but it can be done. Just make sure you don’t change yourself to fit whatever you think he wants you to be because that is often a turn off for most men and women — and not wise for you.

  110. Gavin says:

    We broke up more than 6 months ago and after one month of no contact I realized that I still loved her and still want to be with her. The first 3 contacts she didn’t respond and when she responded she was cold and distant. I’m grateful that I had been reading your advice which helped prepare me for that. I’m still doing most of the initiating contact but she is definitely warming up to me. This morning, she texted me, “Good morning”. I texted back and we had a pleasant conversation which included some flirting. Is this a sign she’s becoming interested?

  111. She’s interested. How much… is yet to be seen. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s definitely working.

  112. Taw says:

    I’m in the same situation as Garvin, some initiating contact on her part and definitely some flirting. This has been going on for a month but when I asked her is she wanted to grab coffee or drinks, she said she does not think it’s a good idea, may be some other time. I can sense there is interest but I don’t know how to move beyond this point.

  113. Sometimes things need a little more time to pick up, and other times it may be that you are not hitting the right emotional codes. People in general, but more so someone you’ve dated before, are always looking to feel a certain degree of “emotional safety” before they can open their hearts again.

    Without much detail, I don’t know in your case what exactly is holding her back. It may be something you are saying/doing, something you are not saying/doing, or it could be things happening in her life that have nothing to do with you.

    After a couple of weeks, ask her out again, and if she says the same thing, ask her if its something you are doing that’s making her want to wait to go out, and take things from there. Always remember, results are more important than the time it takes to achieve them.

  114. Tessa says:

    I feel like I’m really connecting with my ex. We are having conversations about things that we never shared with each other before. The only problem is that our relationship is long distance, and it will take a lot of planning and time before we can actually meet face to face.

  115. Ivan says:

    Yangki, I read your blog and realized I was going about things the wrong way. A few weeks ago, I bout your book and started to work on that emotional connection you talk about. Within a couple of weeks, I can feel her warming up to me. She has been receptive and even initiating contact. I understand that getting back together is her choice, and I need to let her make it on her own. In your experience, do you think I have a chance?

  116. You have achieved a lot in a couple of weeks. You should be proud of yourself because most people really struggle with making that emotional connection.

    If things continue progressing the way they have, I can confidently say you have a pretty good chance. That said, don’t let your emotions get ahead of you and don’t try to rush anything. Move to the next step only after the foundation for that next step has been laid.

    Let me know how things progress. All the best.

Please read the GUIDELINES for asking your question, then ask a BRIEF question or share insight. Thanks, I appreciate YOU!!