Question: I just wanted to say thanks for all the advice, it is truly a great help. I am in a situation with an ex where I am not sure what it all means. My ex broke up with me in April of 09. We both agreed that we’d stay in contact. During all that time I messaged him once every week or every other week and sometimes he’d respond and sometimes not. Then for a few weeks he went quiet on me. I waited then texted him and again he responded. He was all friendly and being really nice to me.
Since November, he’s been responding more frequently although he is still responding very slowly and only in response to my texts to him. He asks me questions about how I’m doing and tells me about his work.
Last week he re-requested me on Facebook and I accepted. I feel like he is warming up to me but he has not directly said anything to suggest he wants me back nor has the conversation on the break-up come up yet. I do not want to ask him if he wants to get back together yet. Do you think he wants me back? He obviously knows I want him back. Are there some tell tale signs that say an ex is becoming interested again?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I agree with you that there is very little to suggest that he actually wants to get back together with you. However, as you’ve experienced, these things move progressively and tomorrow things could change.
One positive sign I see in your situation is that he’s open to regular contact. Most people don’t even get to this stage. It does not mean he wants you back, it just means he does not “hate” you or wants nothing to do with you (for whatever reason).
If you’re the one who initiated contact, him starting to initiate contact (regularly) is a good sign that he is warming up to you and taking responsibility for keeping communication going. I’m talking here about how often and how many times.
If you’ve been in contact via text, email or phone calls, moving things to face-to-face meeting is an encouraging sign. Again it does not mean you’re back together, it just means you’re both comfortable being in each other’s personal space.
The amount and degree of physical contact in some instances suggests a level of comfort with each other. This however is a little tricky as ex-sex can be very tempting even for people who have no intention whatsoever of ever getting back together. So don’t just assume because someone is getting all “hot for you” that he (or she) is emotionally warming up to you as well.
Another sign (probably the most telling of all) is the tone, content, depth and emotion of the contacts. If he’s letting you into details of his everyday life or future plans or intimate news about people he deeply cares about, that’s usually a good sign especially if he seems to have previously suddenly cut you off from this information.
Listen for words like “remain friends”, “I don’t want us to hate each other”, “whatever happens”, “I only wish the best for you”, “You’re a special guy/woman, any person would be lucky to have you”, etc. These are words common with exs who want to remain “friendly” but not looking to get back together and those looking for closure and getting ready to move on. It’s not always the case, but more often than not.
All this said, until you’ve had the “let’s get back together” talk, you’re officially not back together. Treat this whole experience as “Dating Your Ex”, that is, as if you’re just starting dating only this time it’s someone you’ve dated and had a relationship with before.
Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship). The old relationship didn’t have a strong enough foundation that’s why it broke down. It makes no sense trying to rebuild on a weak/faulty foundation however beautiful, and nice and cozy the inside was.
But most importantly, keep working on yourself. The more centered, confident and positive your vibe the more relaxed and attractive you’re to him. The less confident (and insecure) you feel, the more fearful you’ll be and will feel the need to control things which in turn will make him not feel like coming back.
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Originally posted 2010-01-25 14:42:48. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
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She told me we’ll never get back together yet her actions say otherwise. We still hang out and some days the conversations get a little flirty. She holds my hand and sometimes even kisses me on the cheek. Moving on probably would be the logical thing to do here, but I think I’m going to keep trying.
Seems like she still likes you but not sure she wants to be in a relationship with you. I admire your spirit of keep keeping on, however, just “not giving up” is not enough. What are you trying? I’ve seen men and women hang in there with an ex only to be told “there is now someone else”. Many feel hurt but what did they expect? Someone else who knew what to “try”came and stole the show! It’s the things that you’re trying (and not trying) that make the difference between she just “likes you” and “she’s again interested in you”.
I worked so hard to get her interested again and she was showing all the signs you list. But I must have said or done something that has made her pull back.
These setbacks are sometimes part of the journey. Don’t panic or get frustrated and give up just yet. If she became interested before, she can become interested again. Follow your “get ex back” plan/strategy – and be patient, calm and persistent. Here is a link to an article that will help in dealing with An Ex Moving Very Close And Pulling Away.
I read the link you provided to the above commentor and it was very helpful. In my case the pulling away started from me. All the signs were there until she told me she had sex with another guy while we were broken up. I should have handled it better when she told me but I just couldn’t get my mind past her cheating and betrayal and kept pushing and pushing for details. Now we seem to have gone back to one text a day or none at all. Can things go back to the point where she’s interested again? How? Btw, she’s 39 and I’m 31.
Yes, things can go back to the point where she’s interested again. What she needs is for you to show that you have moved on from it. You broke it off with her and she was probably trying to move on the best way she knew how to. Now you’re back together, it’s obvious that she’s wants to be with you and not him. So either you do the grown up thing and see this for what it is and that is, she did not cheat on you and she did not betray you (you were NOT in a relationship when it happened). Or let her go and both of you go your separate ways, which is a shame since there are many people who’d give anything to get an ex interested again.
You’re right. I do believe she is in love with me and all her other actions say so. I let my own insecurities get in the way. It’s time I show her I’m over it and want her in my life. I’ll keep you updated.
I suggest that you have one adult discussion – talk it through until you both feel whatever needs to be said has been said and then YOU (must be you) close the subject by saying, this is behind you and will no longer be a viable topic of conversation unless something changed or something new happened that is related.
There is hope for celebration here, so please keep me posted…
So, what is the best thing you can do when the ex is slowly warming up to you but you’re still unsure if they are actually regaining interest?
“Take it slowly and see where it leads. Do not worry whether or not he/she is responding in time. Just make sure you’re not repeating past mistakes but creating new pleasant memories. You have a better chance of getting back together if you take a “do over” approach rather than trying to continue from where the last relationship ended (fix/mend a broken relationship)”.
My ex sent me a text after months of no contact. I texted her back and asked if I can call her. We talked for 4 hours. She said she missed me and it’d be nice to see each other again. I told her I missed her too and wanted to see her again. I haven’t heard from her since that day. I’ve texted, emailed and called but no response. It’s been 10 days. I know she’s seeing someone and just don’t understand why she contacted me, said she missed me and wanted to see me again. I’m feeling crashed.
If it helps at all, what you’re going through happens to a lot of people (unfortunately). There are several reasons an ex would contact you out of the blue and then goes quiet again or completely disappears.
1) She just wanted to see if you still had feelings for her (ego trip); 2) If she dumped you, she may have felt some guilt and was concerned about how you were doing; 3) She was feeling lonely or bored (or both) and impulsively contacted you with no real interest in re-opening the lines of communication or even getting back together; 4) She genuinely missed you and contacted you thinking that she was ready for re-engagement but realized she was not; 5) She still wants to see you again but something important that has nothing to do with you came up.
It could be any one of these reasons or none. It’s always wise not read too much into one or even 3 sporadic contacts from an ex. Wait and see what “explanation” she gives the next time she contacts you. If it does not make sense, let her go…
I’ve had 2 attempts at contacting my ex with the hope of mending the relationship but ended up getting hurt again. If they are the ones who walked away then they are the ones who have to be the ones to walk back. Contacting an ex because you think it’ll work only leads to more heartache.
If someone wants to try to get his/her ex back that person should follow his/her own heart and not what someone else says based on their own bad experiences with their exes. Not all exes are the same. It could work out and it could also not work out, but it’s better to follow one’s hear than someone else’s experience. This is just my opinion.
My ex and I reconnected over a month ago. We were texting, talking on phone and if felt very good. He didn’t ask me what I was doing for Valentines Day and I didn’t bring it up. Monday the day after Valentine’s Day I sent him a text as I’ve done for the last month or so and asked him what he did on Valentine’s Day. He replied my text relatively quickly but ignored my question about Valentine’s Day. I texted him back and no reply. I texted again Tuesday but only got a short sms from him with 10 -20 hours delays between when I sent mine and when he responded. On hindsight I now look back and wonder if may be I should not have asked about his Valentine’s day since we’ve been apart for so long. Or may be I misread his friendly gestures to mean he was starting to be interested again but it wasn’t the case after all. Oh well, I’m glad we reconnected but will now try to move on. It’s hard but what else is one to do?
I think you’re over-thinking this. It’s only been four days! In many of my articles and eBook, I talk about why it’s important not to panic and give up too quickly or panic and do something really desperate like try to end the torture of “uncertainty” by writing a “good bye” text or email.
You are not in his head and don’t know what he’s thinking. Learn to sometimes take things at face value and let other people do things in their own space and time. It helps with your sanity. Who knows, he may even surprise you with a text — and how foolish will you feel if you find out his “silence” had nothing to do with you!
He texted me and later called me on the phone. We had a long talk in which he basically said he was not ready for a relationship now because he’s feeling depressed for not finding a job for a long time. He asked me if I still want him even though he has no job and I said the job did not matter to me. We’re back to texting and calling each other. I feel good about this. Thank you for you advice not to overthink things.
You’re tips are really helpful, and I especially enjoyed this article. My ex and I broke up about a week ago. Her and I were dating for about 4 months, but we both went into the relationship too fast, like saying “I love you” too soon, and jumping to sex quickly before really getting to be “friends” before our relationship. She broke up with me because she felt that we were never really on the same page, and that she was no longer in love, but still cared about me. We still contact each other everyday (Primarily her intiating the conversation,) and we only see each other when we work together. I just seem to be confused on her signals though, she flirts with me whenever we are together. She is always looking at me, and smiles whenever we make eye contact. I know she doesn’t want to jump back into a relationship with me just yet, but I want to understand why she’s sending these signals, and I wonder how I should handle this.
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad the tips are helpiful. I believe this article answers both of your questions
What Do You Do When Your Ex is Sending Mixed Signals?