Will you push your ex further away if you contact him/her?
If you think you will, and if you are thinking about it constantly… the answer is yes.
If the thought of contacting your ex or taking any action to get back with your ex brings up fears of driving or pushing him/her further away, you are right to be worried that you will scare and/or push him/her further away.
I know it’s not the most “positive” response, but it’s the most honest answer.
Proponents of “positive thinking” will tell you that fear is just False Evidence Appearing Real. But if in the past you’ve said or done things that scared off your ex, your fear is REAL because it’s based on (very) real evidence.
That part of you that knows you really well knows that you will do it again. You will scare off your ex because when you try to get close to him/her, you will overwhelm or suffocate him/her.
You will not know when you are asking for too much of his/her time and space. You will not know when you are trying too hard or pushing too hard for things to happen. And when you try to express your needs, wants, feelings or emotions, you will come off as nagging, complaining and/or needy and clingy.
And the reason for this is that your internal emotional monitor, regulator or gauge is broken. That’s why you can’t tell how much is too much, how soon is too soon , if the person is interested or just being polite etc.
Let me back up a little and clarify something about needing to contact, wanting to talk to and share your time and space with someone you love.
In our socially networked but socially disconnected culture, “needing” someone is almost like the worst sin you can ever commit. Many of us are afraid to say “I need him/her” because people are like “Dude/Gal, get a life!”
You say “I need” and people automatically assume you are co-dependent or have dysfunctional attachment issues.
In very socially connected cultures (mostly third world countries where there is no internet, Facebook or twitter) however, the need to be in touch, share your time, space and life with someone you love is a healthy and beautiful expression of love.
That expression of love where two people are so connected that it’s almost a spiritual experience just watching them share their time, space and life with each other is why most of us date, have relationships and marry. We all want that “magical experience”… and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
It’s when our need for connection morphs into an aggressive selfish drive, that “needing” someone becomes something unhealthy and damaging to a relationship.
What I am saying here is that what scares off an ex who still wants to be in contact with you is NOT that you are contacting him/her or even want to spend time with him or her. What scares your ex is the unhealthy and damaging way you go about seeking connection.
When your emotional monitor, regulator or gauge isn’t working well and you try to connect with your ex, your unprocessed emotions (the healthy and unhealthy) rush out un-monitored and unregulated, saturating every contact, every attempt to connect and every way you try to express your love.
Even one text or email when loaded with so much unprocessed emotion feels “too much” to your ex. This is one reason why writing your ex a “letter expressing your feelings” when he/she is still guarded or ambivalent is a very, very bad idea. For some exes, a single eruption of emotions is all that is required to scare them away — for good.