Why Is My Ex Ignoring My Calls?

Question: My ex and I broke up nearly two months ago. We’ve exchanged a few emails since the break up, mostly it’s been me contacting her but she eventually replies. After stressing over whether to call her or not, I finally called her at work and said “hey just calling to see how your doing.” She was very nice and seemed happy to hear from me but said she couldn’t talk because she was at work. So I asked her if I can give her a call later when she’s home and she said, “that’d be great.” But when I called her she said she was heading to bed, had a very important meeting the next morning. I didn’t want to come across as needy and didn’t push. Instead I asked her if I can call her Thursday evening, this was Monday. She seemed okay with it, said, “You can call me anytime.” I called her Thursday evening, two times, but both times she didn’t answered the phone. Why would she say call me anytime if she isn’t interested in talking to me? She knows I still have feelings for her. I want to try to contact her one more time before I give up. Do you think it’s wise or should I just give up right now?

Yangki’s Answer: Most people don’t tell someone it’d be great for them to call or that they can call anytime if they don’t mean it, or don’t want the person to call.

The only reason I can think of why she would say those things and then not follow up on it is that she does not want to hurt you, and thinks she’s letting you down gently. But there is also the possibility that she’s indeed busy – some people throw themselves into their careers after a break-up because it helps them feel like the world hasn’t stopped rotating. And may be right now her work is more important to her than reconnecting with an ex.

There is no way for knowing for sure if she still has any feelings for you or not, or even if she wants to keep in contact with you or not. If you strongly feel in your heart that you should contact her one more time, I suggest sending her an email telling her you do not want to keep calling her if she does not want you to. But you at least want to know from her if that’s her wish. Do not bring up anything about the relationship, how you feel about her or how much she is hurting you. These are emotionally loaded topics. If she’s not ready to get into something emotionally heavy, she’ll most likely not reply.

After you send the email, wait and see what happens. If you do not get a reply or if she does not call after a few days, you have your answer.

I hope you get the response you want. Good luck!

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    15 Comments

    • Lissa says:

      Yangki, I wish I had found your advice earlier. To cut a long story short, he and I broke up over a misunderstanding. I maintained contact once in a while and slowly we started texting each other everyday. This lasted about 2 weeks. We seemed close again and he even joked that it felt like we were a couple again. Last week I asked him if he wanted to get back together, my big mistake. He told me he wants to be alone for a while without the pressure of a relationship. I told him I understood but suddenly his attitude has changed. He barely responds to my texts and seems distant. I’m not sure if I should leave him alone or continue trying to stay in contact.

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      • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        Leave him alone or stay in contact is not the issue. The reason I say this is because you were texting each other everyday and he was okay with it — even joked that it felt like you were a couple again. The attitude change happened when you asked him if he wanted to get back together. In other words, the amount of contact is not what is causing the change in attitude, it’s the feeling that you want more at this point in time than he is willing or able to give you.

        What he needs is to feel that “there is NO pressure” for him to be in a relationship.

        You made a lot of progress, don’t lose the momentum by doing something counter-productive. There are articles on here about not making someone feel pressured to get into a relationship and taking things slow.

        I’m happy to talk to you on phone about a strategy for going forward if you want to.

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    • Tony says:

      If I don’t contact her she’ll think I don’t care and move on. I want her to know that I still want to be with her and I am working to better myself. Do I just be cool and not tell her how I feel? Do I ignore her texts and let her initiate most of the contacts?

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      • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        You can hide your feelings or ignore her texts, it’s not going to make her want to take you back if these three questions are not adequately addressed.

        1) Why did you break-up?

        2) What have you done (change/personal work) to make sure things will be different/better?

        3) What are you doing to show your ex you are a better partner than the person she broke up with?

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    • Daisy says:

      We didn’t talk for 2 months 1 week. I then sent him a long email telling him I still love him and have missed him so much. He replied thanking me for sharing my feelings, and said that he would be in touch. That was over a month ago. Is there still hope? Should I reach out to him again?

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      • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        I always don’t know how to respond to a situation where you disappear for 2 months, come back and expect the other person to welcome you back with open arms.

        He may have moved and was just being polite by saying he’ll be in touch, or he may be expecting you to reach out to him again since you are the one who disappeared. I don’t know.

        The only way to find out is reach out to him again. If he does not respond, or responds but is aloof, then you know for sure that there is no hope.

        Next time, if you want a relationship with someone, don’t disappear for 2 months… a lot happens in 2 months!

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    • Joakim says:

      She left me because to her, I put her on a pedestal. At first I didn’t understand but looking back, I now see that I was always there a shoulder for her to cry on and always available as and whenever required. I gave her too much importance and in the process lost my own importance. She completely lost confidence in me as a man and said I needed to take more care of my needs because she could not be the only thing I needed in my life. Another mistake I made is go no contact. She said she wanted to remain in contact but I told her it was too painful. She looked sad but said she understood. I contacted her 2 days ago after no contact for 5 weeks and she has not replied. I’m worried that she has moved on. What can I do?

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      • Love Doctor, Yangki Christine AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Christine Akiteng says:

        It hurts to now be able to see more clearly in hind sight, but at least you can learn from that and try to do better next time.

        I don’t know if she’s moved on or not. It’s only been 2 days, who knows she may respond in the next few days. You haven’t had any contact for 5 weeks, so it’s not like she’s been waiting for you to contact her. Remember she did say she wanted to remain in contact but you made the choice not to. She could be wondering why you are contacting her now. Wait a few more days, even a week and see what happens. If she doesn’t respond, contact her a couple more times and if she still doesn’t respond, you got your answer.

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