Tuesday July 29th 2014

Should I Contact My Ex Or Give Up Trying?

Question: My ex and I broke up nearly two months ago. We’ve exchanged a few emails since the break up, mostly it’s been me contacting her but she eventually replies. After stressing over whether to call her or not, I finally called her at work and said “hey just calling to see how your doing.” She was very nice and seemed happy to hear from me but said she couldn’t talk because she was at work. So I asked her if I can give her a call later when she’s home and she said, “that’d be great.”

But when I called her she said she was heading to bed, had a very important meeting the next morning. I didn’t want to come across as needy and didn’t push. Instead I asked her if I can call her Thursday evening, this was Monday. She seemed okay with it, said, “You can call me anytime.”

I called her Thursday evening, two times, but both times she never answered the phone. Why would she encourage me to call her if she isn’t interested in talking to me? She knows I still have feelings for her and she has told me over and over that she could never do anything to hurt me. I want to try to contact her one more time before I give up. Do you think it’s wise or should I just give up right now?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: Most people don’t tell someone it’d be great for them to call or that they can call anytime if they don’t mean it or don’t want the person to call.

The only reason I can think of why she would say those things and then not follow up on it is that she does not want to hurt you and thinks she’s letting you down gently. But there is also the possibility that she’s indeed busy – some people throw themselves into their careers after a break-up because it helps them feel like the world hasn’t stopped rotating. And may be right now her work is more important to her than reconnecting with an ex.

There is no way for knowing for sure if she still has any feelings for you or not, or even if she wants to keep in contact with you or not. If you strongly feel in your heart that you should contact her one more time, I suggest sending her an email telling her you do not want to keep calling her if she does not want you to. But you at least want to know from her if that’s her wish. Do not bring up anything about the relationship, how you feel about her or how much she is hurting you. These are emotionally loaded topics. If she’s not ready to get into something emotionally heavy, she’ll most likely not reply.

After you send the email, wait and see what happens. If you do not get a reply or if she does not call after a few days, you have your answer.

I hope you get the response you want. Good luck!

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13 Responses to “Should I Contact My Ex Or Give Up Trying?”

  1. Danny says:

    I used “no contact” because I did not want to give my ex the wrong impression that we still have a chance. I wanted to send a clear message that I was over her and did not want any communication with her, not even as friends. It angers mw when she tells friends I’m trying to get her back. Should I break the no contact rule just to tell her I don’t want her back ever?

  2. Larry says:

    I’ve used NC and it worked the first time. She came back after 5 weeks apart. It was great for 4 months them she broke up with me again. Again I completely pulled away, and after a couple of weeks she called. I didn’t return the call and two days later she called again. After two more calls I finally took the call. She asked me why I wasn’t returning her calls and I said that it seemed like she wasn’t interested and I was moving on. She was upset and told me she cared about me very much. We talked for about 23 minutes and I told her I had to go. I have not heard from her again and she does not respond to my texts. It’s been 2 months of nothing from her. Any advice?

  3. This is a game the two of you are playing and it’s not just her but you too. She pulls away, you use no contact to trigger whatever fears she has of being rejected/abandoned/not paid attention to etc. She comes back because it somehow helps her to feel she’s still wanted but pulls away again.

    At this point (this why I completely discourage no contact, it severely limits your options) there are only two things you can do 1) be patient and let her contact you or 2) contact her. Whatever you decide to do, this game the two of you are playing is destructive to the relationship (if there is still any). One of you has to step up and be the adult, if not, it’s going to be like this until one walks away — for good!

  4. Heartbrokengirl says:

    I was on NC for 3 months then contacted my ex. I wrote short handwritten letter telling him I had thought a lot of the breakup and can see he is right, the breakup is best for both of us. It’s been over a month no word from him. It seems that he does not miss me. It hurts worse than the breakup. Do you think he’s forgotten all about me?

  5. I don’t think people “forget” someone they’ve been with that easily. But it’s possible he has made up his mind and wants nothing to do with you. After all, you did tell him he is right, the breakup is best for both of you.

    To be honest, I’m quite surprised that you even expected a response… you disappeared for 3 months then reappeared only to tell someone “you are right, the breakup is best for both of us”. What did you expect him to say/do???

  6. ksheeba says:

    Yangki has been stressing this over and over again in her articles – No Contact rule is juvenile and risky – but people just don’t seem to be paying attention to such an important point.

    I try to imagine these guys and girls who religiously practice no contact – which in my opinion very rude and tactless way of dealing with the person you love and who loved you once. You cant disappear suddenly and expect the other person to start missing you. Sudden disappearances are more annoying and frustrating than seductive and curiosity-boosting as many people falsely presume.

    When you delete yourself from someone’s life, you leave them no option but to leave you behind too (unless of course you think that their universe revolves around you and that they should wait for an eternity or until YOU decide that NC is over). This is just an immature power play, besides what DO you do after NC? Bully yourself into someone’s life again? Or just repent the fruitless loss of time during NC?

    Yangki has mentioned in one of these articles that if you need your time apart or give your partner space without being a jerk – it is best to not initiate contact as long as you are hurt yet reply appropriately if your ex happens to contact you first.

    My ex broke up with me, I was tempted to go NC until this web site came as thud on my head with a heavy book.I followed Yangki’s advice. Even though it was painful to communicate with my ex while staying “just friends”, it paid off because I took this time to improve on my impulsive behaviour (the reason why we broke up), and more importantly since I was IN TOUCH with my ex – he was ABLE TO NOTICE the change. Eventually, we had a happy reunion :)

    Dont fall for NC people!

  7. Yvette says:

    I agree with the poster ahead. I was doing no contact because of websites, then ran across this one. I sent a casual text, never brought up the relationship problems or asked if we could get back together. We’ve been “dating” for the past six weeks and we are going to Las Vegas in two weeks. Don’t play game and use nc. Somebody gotta be the grown up and stop the games.

  8. Joakim says:

    She left me because to her, I put her on a pedestal. At first I didn’t understand but looking back, I now see that I was always there a shoulder for her to cry on and always available as and whenever required. I gave her too much importance and in the process lost my own importance. She completely lost confidence in me as a man and said I needed to take more care of my needs because she could not be the only thing I needed in my life. Another mistake I made is go no contact. She said she wanted to remain in contact but I told her it was too painful. She looked sad but said she understood. I contacted her 2 days ago after no contact for 5 weeks and she has not replied. I’m worried that she has moved on. What can I do?

  9. It hurts to now be able to see more clearly in hind sight, but at least you can learn from that and try to do better next time.

    I don’t know if she’s moved on or not. It’s only been 2 days, who knows she may respond in the next few days. You haven’t had any contact for 5 weeks, so it’s not like she’s been waiting for you to contact her. Remember she did say she wanted to remain in contact but you made the choice not to. She could be wondering why you are contacting her now. Wait a few more days, even a week and see what happens. If she doesn’t respond, contact her a couple more time and if she still doesn’t respond, you got your answer.

  10. Daisy says:

    We didn’t talk for 2 months 1 week. I then sent him a long email telling him I still love him and have missed him so much. He replied thanking me for sharing my feelings, and said that he would be in touch. That was over a month ago. Is there still hope? Should I reach out to him again?

  11. I always don’t know how to respond to a situation where you disappear for 2 months, come back and expect the other person to welcome you back with open arms.

    He may have moved and was just being polite by saying he’ll be in touch, or he may be expecting you to reach out to him again since you are the one who disappeared. I don’t know.

    The only way to find out is reach out to him again. If he does not respond, or responds but is aloof, then you know for sure that there is no hope.

    Next time, if you want a relationship with someone, don’t disappear for 2 months… a lot happens in 2 months!

  12. Tony says:

    If I don’t contact her she’ll think I don’t care and move on. I want her to know that I still want to be with her and I am working to better myself. Do I just be cool and not tell her how I feel? Do I ignore her texts and let her initiate most of the contacts?

  13. You can hide your feelings or ignore her texts, it’s not going to make her want to take you back if these three questions are not adequately addressed.

    1) Why did you break-up?

    2) What have you done (change/personal work) to make sure things will be different/better?

    3) What are you doing to show your ex you are a better partner than the person she broke up with?

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