Question: We had a good relationship, no major disagreements and no cheating. Though we still love, admire and respect each other very much, we started to see life differently and needed to be apart. It was his decision to be apart. I bought your book and followed your advice. We stayed in contact and kept each other in the loop about our respective lives and personal growth. We’ve been seeing each other more and more. At first it was just me initiating all the meetings but the last three he asked me out and we had such a wonderful time.
In your book, you write that when someone is equally engaged is the time to bring up the topic of getting back together. Well, I believe it’s the right time but need confirmation from an expert. Your advice has been very helpful so far and your guidance will be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Yangki’s Answer: I’m excited for you. I too think it’s the “right” time.
A few questions though: Has the “old relationship” come up? And if so, how did it go, and specifically what was his reaction?
The reason I ask is because it’s possible for things to come this far just based on “wonderful feelings” from the memories of the good times of the past (and this is a good thing), but the “issues” that led to the break-up still remain a minefield that could blow up everything. In other words, it’s possible to play up the good in the old relationship and ignore or suppress the “not so good”, and that would be a huge mistake because it’ll be only a matter of time before stuff that’s been suppressed comes up and things could go downhill really fast. And like I said in another post, the more you try and fail, the harder and harder it becomes to convince your ex that the relationship can work.
If there have been “hints” about the old relationship and things went well, then it means there is a high chance the two of you have turned a new leaf. If you haven’t at all mentioned the “old relationship” I’d say, in those “wonderful moments” drop a word or two about how you wish this (you) is the person he’d remember and not the “old you” of the past. Don’t go too deep into the “old relationship” because he may not be ready for that yet. The goal is to test the waters before you jump in. And please make sure you focus on YOU and the new you so that it doesn’t come across as you’re accusing or blaming him for all the bad things that happened in the past. If that goes well, “test the waters” a few more times just to make sure the first time wasn’t just a fluke.
Why “test the waters”? Why not just tell him how you feel?
I get that a lot from people who feel they “deserve” an answer from an ex and don’t like to hear “wait”. Most ignore my advice and sure enough, they go ahead and mess it all up — then turn around and say “it just wasn’t meant to be.”
If someone is not ready, they will feel they’re being “pressured” and say “no” when a little more time could have changed the answer to a “yes”.
Part of emotional intelligence is tuning in to other people’s emotions and meeting them at where they are as opposed to pushing them to where we want them to be. In my experience, and I write this in the book, sometimes the question of getting back together doesn’t even have to be asked directly. It’ll just seem like the right thing to do because you’ll find yourselves talking more about the future/the people you’ve become and less and less about the past/old relationship.
If you find that most of your conversations are mostly about the “old relationship”, then hold off the topic of getting back together. It means that you’re not yet on the other side of the breakup.
I hope I didn’t dampen your “excitement” and made it look like “this is not good”. On the contrary, it’s very good, and what I just outlined is a necessary small step towards everything you wish for and want.
I have a good feeling about this– and this is from an “expert” with years of experience reuniting couples… 🙂
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