Question: I’m 54 and she’s 42. We had an immediate attraction and talked on the phone a few times, hang out with each other and after a month or so ended up in a physical relationship. At the time she was separated from her long time boyfriend so we had no expectations and no strings attached. Four months into the relationship she told me she was falling for me and was going to break up with him, but she doesn’t seem to be very concerned about breaking up with him and keeps in contact in email, texts and Facebook. I can’t help but think she just feels the need to be with someone and I’ve become a distraction and not a real situation. She has told me she values me, respects me and said she loves me (twice) and I don’t have anything to worry because she wants to be with only me. But overall her words and actions often don’t match. I feel like she’s not over her ex. This is really bothering me. I can’t help being insecure!!!
The Love Doctor’s Answer: There is certainly some writing on the wall that should cause you to pose and think. Usually relationships that are seen as “re-bound” don’t work because the one that is on the rebound has not worked through their issues and may still be emotionally attached in an unhealthy way.
On the other hand, most keepers (she comes across as one) don’t fall IN love overnight and don’t fall OUT of it quickly either. It’s an admirable quality and I’m sure if the situation was reversed you’d probably see it differently. So don’t expect her to just shut off her feelings and write off a relationship just because they aren’t a couple anymore. This could be the case here since she says she values you, respects you, loves you and wants to be with only you.
I suggest you talk to her about how the whole arrangement makes you feel. Make sure it’s in a friendly environment so she doesn’t feel nagged, coerced or cornered into anything. Look her in the eyes and let her know about your concerns, just don’t make it about “me or him”. You won’t achieve anything positive going there.
If she just makes excuses and isn’t willing to talk about how this makes you feel or doesn’t promise to put the necessary effort to make the relationship work, then she shouldn’t expect you to put up with a relationship with this kind of baggage.
The most important thing is her attitude. Listen carefully and look out for those warning signs that say she does not want to let him go and isn’t too eager about creating a lasting relationship with you.
Here is the thing, even if or when she breaks up with him, she still needs her space to grow and work through her issues. You don’t want to help someone find who she is and get over an ex to one day say, thank you I have found myself and feel to ready to love again, and now must find someone who fits me.
Even if things go well after your talk, move forward but very cautiously.
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She broke up with me 4 months ago, started dating another guy and now she says she wants me back. I asked her about her other guy and she said he was terrible. This has been the pattern for the last 3 years. We broke up twice last year and each time she dated other guys. We’ve been off and on so many times that although I still have feelings for her, I’m not sure I want her back this time. Any advice?
I don’t really believe you’re serious about not wanting her back, you wouldn’t be asking for advice. I think you wish there was some way to stop/break this pattern. To break the pattern you have to understand why it’s there in the first place. But since you didn’t tell me why you break up or how/why you’ve gotten back together in the past, I can’t offer specific insight into your situation. I want to help, so give me something more to work with.
You’re right and if I am totally honest I am no where near being over her. We never get into fights and if we do we usually talk about it and all is well. Her problem is that she needs to feel wanted and I don’t give her the attention she needs. I just wanted to know if it’s possible to break the pattern and if we even have a chance making it work.
Yes it is possible to break the pattern but you have to work at it — both of you. She needs to work on why it is that she has this need to feel wanted, so much that she runs from one guy to another and back. You need to focus on making her feel those feelings she wants to feel — the key word here is FEEL – and she will focus more on you instead of running off to another guy every time she wants to feel a certain way.
But don’t do the guy thing — assuming you know EXACTLY what she wants to feel and how to make her feel it. Talk it over with her and ask her to break it down in specific verbs the kind of attention she needs from you. Give yourselves a chance and if it doesn’t work out, at least you know it wasn’t for lack of trying. Good luck.
I am in a some what similar situation as emorch. Her ex is now all of a sudden back in the picture. They broke up last year and agreed to remain friends and see what happened. But that didn’t go over so well. They decided n/c and that’s when she and I hooked up. Things were really cool til he showed up. She talks to him everyday and tells me about it. This has been going on for 2 months. We constantly argue about her calling him in the middle of the night every time we have a fight. She wants me to convince her not to talk to him anymore because he’s trying to convince her to break up with me. I just don’t know if I can fight for a relationship this way. I’m not even sure what kind of help I need.
Most people in your situation would feel the way you do. It does seem like she does not want him back and just be using him to keep you on your toes by letting you know that another option is there for her. It’s even possible that she may be leading him on just to keep her options open. If she really wanted him back, she’d be with him. She wouldn’t tell you to convince her not to talk to him anymore. Whether or not she’ll go back to him should be the least of your problems. This woman sounds very immature and insecure, someone who wants you to have to constantly defend your turf. This should be a red flag for you. May be you should seriously consider dating other women and see what other future opportunities exist for you. Let her sort out the issue with her ex and if you’re still available, you can try having a healthy mature relationship. Just don’t devalue your worth by playing her game.
My ex has been dating this guy for a year now, she loves him. But every single time we talk or text she comes on to me. And its hurting me cause I don’t know if its real or not. Its gone to the point were I can’t take it anymore really, but i can’t stop talking to her, i can’t kick her out of my life, what do i do?
A year is long enough for you to realize your ex may not necessarily be in a “rebound relationship” with this other guy (please read my article: Facts About Rebound Relationships). The way I see it, you have two options 1) keep hanging in there hoping that she’ll change her mind and take you back… and may be she will or may be she won’t; or 2) be open and direct with her and tell her what this is doing to you and ask her either to make up her mind or leave you alone. I can’t tell you what option to choose, it’s not my job. What I can tell you is that the “victim mentality” is so unattractive. A person can hurt you once even when you have not done anything to make them hurt you but no one can continue hurting you without your permission. You’ve given your ex your personal power and that’s why she thinks she can mess with you…. she knows you’re “weak” like that! It makes the other guy even more attractive in comparison.