Who’s to Blame When Sex Sucks?

who-is-to-blame-when-sex-sucksIt is unusual these days to find marriages that have lasted more than 10 years, let alone find couples who have been together this long and are still romantically and sexually interested in each other.

Okay, may be ten years is stretching it.

Recent studies show that sexual passion — in most relationships — doesn’t last longer than 18 months. Things start really hot — the chemistry is strong, compliments are flying allover the place, you grab every opportunity to show affection and get as close as possible to one another, both of you can’t wait to tear off each other’s clothes, sex is very exciting and love-making lasts hours (uh-uhm!)

If you are lucky this “hots period” will last up to 18 months, but after that, sexual intimacy problems especially lack of sexual passion become a major problem in the relationship. Sex simply sucks!

If the relationship doesn’t end soon enough, lack of sexual passion leads to cheating, alcoholism, workholism, pornography, and other addictions to food, gambling, shopping, etc.

Is it you or is it him or her?

It’s both of you. Sufficient compatibility for long term sexual intimacy is a simple requirement that is often ignored because most of us think “love” will solve our differences and meet all our needs. Many of us are shocked (and disappointed) to find that it doesn’t.

The kind of sufficient sexual compatibility I am talking about here isn’t just limited to if the glove fits the hand (if you know what I mean), or if both of you want more/less sex, dominant or submissive, planned or spontaneous, five star hotels or bushes, sitting or standing, muted or kinky, pump or spin, latex or skin-to-skin — w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r!

Sufficient sexual compatibility that ensures sustainable sexual passion exists on the basic principle of equity theory.

What does this mean?

It simply means that sexual passion exists when both partners believe that the contributions/inputs they make to the relationship and the benefits/outcomes they receive from being in a relationship with a particular individual are equal (perceived or otherwise). If one partner believes (thinks or feels) that he or she is contributing more to the relationship than the other person, that person is likely to experience resentment, exhaustion, frustration, hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, and depression. These powerful emotions alone kill sexual passion and may end the relationship.

But get this.

While the give-and-give person may be doing so to prove he or she “loves a lot” (a tactic very low-self-esteem individuals use to manipulate and control others) the recipient of this “loving over kill” in the long term begins to feel guilty, angry, resentful, frustrated, stressed out, disgusted and bored. And yes… you guessed it right. These powerful emotions kill sexual passion and may end the relationship.

At this point you must be like… this is why the sexual passion in our relationship is gone and sex sucks. One of us gives too much and the other too little. We’re sexually incompatibility. How the hell do I get out of this relationship without hurting my partner’s feelings — and/or hurting the kids?

If you really love this person (and there are no other problems with the relationship like abuse, conflicting values, non-stop conflicts etc), YOU DON’T GET OUT. If it’s just the sexual passion that’s gone, YOU STAY AND CREATE A WIN-WIN RELATIONSHIP where there is giving and receiving in equal amounts.

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5 Comments

  • Yangki, this is the reason my partner finished our relationship after 2years. What do you do if you believe it can resolved but they have already given up? Everything else was generally pretty good and I know he loves me but felt something was missing and was worried about what it meant longer term.

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  • Fact: men think about sex all the time, women do not. Men imagine sex with almost every attractive woman that comes their way. Men enjoy the actual sexual act more than spending time, cuddling and kissing. Women enjoy spending time, kissing and being more sensual than the actual sexual act.

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      • This is what I’ve been saying forever – men aren’t from Mars, women aren’t from Venus. We are individuals. Some men think about sex all the time. Some men don’t. Some women think about sex all the time. Some women don’t. Some women prefer cuddling and kissing to the actual sexual act. Some women prefer the actual sexual act to kissing and cuddling (and there is nothing “wrong” with them!).

        I’ve a lot more in common with most men than I have with most women. Does that make me less of a woman or make the men less of men. I don’t think so! It’s all in how we balance the masculine and feminine energies inside of us- at any given time.

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