Question: I really liked your answer to the sexually invisible Nice Guy. No, I do not carry my girlfriend’s purse and I do not write her friends little cute cards, but I am definitely a Nice Guy. This may be the reason I’m in this sexual rut.  My girlfriend is a great person but we just have no sex life. She says all I think about is sex and that all men are scum and rapists. She has no history of past sexual abuse as far I know but has confessed to having violent sex fantasies.

As a “Nice Guy” I sometimes think (in my darkest hours) that, perhaps she wants me to take her by force so that I can prove that men are scum, rapists, etc. When I have these fantasies about taking her by force they are not particularly violent, just very forceful, and I imagine her succumbing to the passion and us having the best sex we ever had. Then reality hits, 1) she’d probably kick my ass; 2) dump me; and 3) I’m a NICE GUY and would not be able to perform under such pressure. Is she asking for it?

Answer: Do Nice Guys have those kinds of thoughts? God please, I’m ready to come home!!!!

Nice Guy teasing aside, sexual violence is no laughing matter. Is she asking for it? Confessing to you that she has violent sex fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean she wants you to rape her. Why do I say so?  Because even though she has confessed to having violent sex fantasies she also says all men are scum and rapists. That to me says this is most likely just a sexual fantasy that she wants to remain a fantasy, not become a reality — at least not in a “taking her by force” way.

Why someone would be turned on by violent sex is not up to me to judge — different folks, different strokes. Those romance novels and movie scenes where the jerk-man kisses the woman, who resists at first, then melts into him because of the passion that overtakes her may have something to do it.

But as many who’ve studied this topic have said (Theory and Practice: Pornography and Rape by Robin Morgan is very enlightening), the problem with these kinds of fantasies is: where do you draw the line between what is the complex dance of advance/retreat which provides much of the excitement of sex and the act of rape itself. The women I’ve asked this question say that in their fantasies they still want to retain the right to stay “STOP!” and their wishes be respected. Asked how that works, many admit that in the heat of the moment, “STOP!” can easily be mistaken as part of the fantasy.

I know you say you’re a nice guy and would never carry out your own darkest hour fantasy, but I’d still suggest that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your girlfriend. It’s obvious there is something that is preventing her from physically sharing herself with you in a way you both are comfortable with. I was going to say “in a way that is healthy” but that would be judging, right?

Be honest about your own frustration and how this is affecting you.  An open and honest talk where each understands the other has his/her best interest at heart goes a long way in creating a partnership based on real love and genuine intimacy. May be you will even come up with some creative ideas for turning your sexual fantasies into reality without resorting into “darkest hour rape”.

Just for the record, your intuitive sensitivity even in a sexual rut proves that Nice Guys make the best lovers! You can’t teach a scum, rapist and so-called players that kind of “heart!”