Monday September 1st 2014

Read This If You Suspect Your Ex Is A Narcissist

toronto_akiteng-680Have you noticed that men and women who are overly self-absorbed, aggressive, forceful, opinionated, love the sound of their own voice and have an air of superiority simply because they have good looks, success, skill or “luck” in a particular area of life populate the ranks of frustrated singles, unhappy spouses and loners, while average looking others of ordinary looks, talent and means do better in dates, marriage and relationships in general?

Overly self-absorbed men and women take “self love” to a point where it works against them instead of for them. I know it’s hard to even think that something as good as “loving yourself” can come back and bite you in the rear.

Loving yourself  is good. People who love themselves have an awareness of their strengths, qualities, abilities and skills, and the expectation, trust and conviction that those strengths, qualities, abilities and skills will lead to a positive outcome. It’s a kind of optimism we all aspire to have – and that’s a good thing.

Narcissism goes way beyond healthy self-love. Narcissism impairs a narcissist ability to accurately access their strengths, qualities, abilities and skill. This is probably why narcissists are some of the most self-destructive people in the world. They lack that very necessary ability to self-evaluate and self-regulate, and as a result tend to over-inflate, over-exaggerate, overstate and overplay their own importance, abilities and awe-fullness.

Narcissists are least likely to acknowledge that they don’t know something or that there are things they are not good at. And when something doesn’t happen or go the way they expect or want, they’re more likely to stay the course, or take even bigger and more risks that they may not be well equipped to take on.

On first contact, narcissists come across as overconfident and so sure of themselves. They actually believe that they are all that, and expect to be loved and cared for as the superior being that they are.

Unlike the rest of us mortals, narcissists don’t think twice about walking up to a man/woman many of us would normally consider outside of our league, and “confidently” start a conversation. How can anyone not be enthralled by them? And because they are so overconfident and self-assured, you end up exchanging phone numbers. At first they are very charming (as long as you “behave”), but you quickly realize that you crossed paths with the emotional torture-master/queen.

Nothing you do is ever right or enough. Even something as simple as not responding within the time frame or manner the narcissist believes someone “interested” or “in love” should respond ticks him/her off, prime time. How can you be so insensitive, lack common courtesy, have no “class” etc (narcissist’s language translation: how can anyone treat me with all my greatness, wonderful-ness, amazing-ness, fabulous-ness, irresistibility etc. like this?).

What began as a whirlwind romance with the “most wonderful” man/woman in the world is now torture chamber. You’re unhappy, miserable, and your self-esteem… forget about self, esteem. You don’t have one anymore.

Then one day you decide you have had enough and try to remove yourself from the situation or relationship. If you thought “the relationship” was a nightmare, hell’s gates just opened wide. The ticked off narcissist will text or call you obsessively just to yell at you, call you names, threaten you etc. He/she will even call you narcissistic because how dare you treat “HIM/HERSELF” like that. How dare you not appreciate that someone so good looking, smart, successful, charismatic, superior etc. took interest in you?

Because narcissists see the world in terms of “ME” (the great, wonderful, amazing, fabulous, irresistible, superior one) versus them (mediocre sub-humans), even an average or decent rejection seems more like crushing defeat. Frustration, sarcasm and self-righteous anger is their natural reaction to anyone who dares question or challenge their “superiority”.

If you are wise, you’ll cut off his/her every access to you. And if you’re lucky, someone else will catch his/her attention, and you will finally be free! But you’ll be reeling from the impact of their wrath for years. And they won’t apologize for the damage they inflicted on you because as far as they’re concerned, they had to put you in “your place”.

And while these days, we tend to call everyone we don’t like or breaks up with us “a narcissist”, you can tell a real narcissists by the trail of broken, traumatized and even depressed men and women they leave behind them.

The most dangerous thing about narcissists is that they don’t even know they are narcissistic. Even those that recognize the traits in themselves will downplay, dismiss or deflect their personality disorder. Many never seek help. Why would they?

If are in a relationship with a narcissist, use every little bit of courage you have and leave before you’re damaged beyond “repair”.

If you have successfully removed yourself from the jaws of a narcissist, for the sake of your very soul, don’t go back. Don’t try and get him/her back however much it breaks your heart to just walk away from the best sex you ever had, from the glimpses of “the caring person inside”, and from what seems like your only chance at “true happiness”. It’s just an illusion. Wake up.

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

19 Responses to “Read This If You Suspect Your Ex Is A Narcissist”

  1. CeeBee says:

    This is jealous bullsh*t. I like the sound of my own voice and I am proud of it. I have plenty of admirers and have been told that there is no way I would be single if it wasn’t out of choice, but the difference is that I don’t actually WANT a relationship, because I can’t stand to be tied down. So, confident people, ignore this rubbish peddled by someone who is incapable of appreciating a rich variety of personalities and is clearly still stuck in their sandpit LOL! Bloody hell, women have worked this hard to get to where we are, let’s not let our confidence be knocked by another WOMAN forsooth (even if she does call herself a “doctor” – my a$$!)

  2. LOL! You’re so funny. I’m of course assuming this is written in satirical jest just to prove my point about narcissists… Good one… (:

  3. Nigel says:

    Ceebee sounds like a typical narcisist. I dated one exactly like her. Thought she was ‘it’ even when she fell short in all areas. Later told everyone I dumped her because my low self esteem could not handle her high self confidence. I’m dating a truly confident wonderful woman now but my ex is still single and still believes her own sh*t.

  4. Penny says:

    With all due respect Yangki, I do not think CeeBee’s comment is satire. The statement “clearly stuck in their sandpit” is racist. The only times I’ve heard it used is on people of African origin. Also she calls the post “jealous bullsh*t” but her comment is clearly from someone who is jealous of you or has a deep seated racist attitude that believes you do not deserve the attention you are getting.

    I personally find the post a very accurate description of a narcicistic personality. Please ignore the rantings of a jealous narcissist and keep up the good work. There are many women and men who benefit from someone saying it like it is. And people like Ceebee will do anything to silence the voice of truth.

  5. Penny, thanks for looking out for me… (:

    You may be absolutely right about your observations. I can’t however, assume to know what someone’s motives are. God/Universe/Nature decided that what’s in someone else’s mind is not for me to see. I can only choose how I perceive things and react to them.

    As far as the phrase “stuck in their own sandpit” is concerned, I’ve never heard the phrase used before and don’t really care much about what it means or why anyone feels the need to use it. In my world all that matters at the end of time is LOVE. Everything else is insignificant… and for that reason ONLY, I choose to love Ceebee… (:

  6. NORTHSTARR says:

    I think CeeBee’s racist comment was meant to see how you would react. There was some desired reaction there but it seems she never got it. I get that on my blog too, insecure people targeting and attacking me for no reason at all. I always take the higher ground and it makes them only more angry. lol

  7. I want to move beyond the “racism” thing and CeeBee’s unknown intentions and address the part of your comment that I really like… and if you don’t mind, I’d like to use it to give a little tip on reacting to an angry partner who is criticizing, or accusing you of something you have no clue or have not done.

    One response that seems to defuse the anger from the other person without defending your actions or counter-accusing is “I can understand why you would think/feel that way.” Instead of being uptight about it, choose the path of least resistance. “I can understand why you would think/feel that way” indicates willingnes­s to consider the other person’s point of view without getting into a defensive mode. Later on when his/ her anger has cooled down you can explain yourself.

  8. KimS says:

    I dated a narcissist for 2 years and they were the most painful 2 years of my life. He’d always start an argument or fight spat everywhere we went and would never admit when he was wrong. He truly believed that people who criticized him for his selfish and uncaring behaviour were jealous of him.

    I cannot imagine falling for anyone so narcissistic again. It’s a turn off.

  9. If narcissists admitted they were wrong, then there would not be anything “superior” about them anymore, would there???… (:

  10. dan says:

    Great Post. You might want to pluralize narcissist in your title for better presentation. In the end a person with an ego will always lose for sure.

  11. Thanks. Changed the whole title for even better presentation…(:

  12. Adam says:

    Very insighful, I just got done in a relationship with a narcissist. It was very brutal the whole time thinking it was me. She would tell me all the time she could have anybody she wanted, that I didnt care for her. I would jump thru hoops for her but nothing was good enough if I didn’t answer my text or calls fast enough she wouldn’t speak to me. Only at the end did I start realizing how things really were, she is married and her husband is that way, so she was just reflecting how she is always treated and doing it to someone else. The lessons we learn in life can be tough sometimes.

  13. Jen says:

    I dated a narcissist and one thing about narcissists is that they are never wrong and never apologize.

  14. If they apologize at all, it’s something like…

    “I’m sorry IF my doing x hurt you”. Meaning… I don’t really think I did wrong but if you think I did, then I’m sorry.

    “I did x because you (or someone /something else), did y”. Meaning… If you had not done y, I would have not done x. It’s your fault that I did x.

  15. Beth says:

    My favorite apology was “I’m sorry…BUT…YOU did this and YOU did that, there for I am not wrong and I’m awesome, incredibly AWESOME! Now do something great for me to celebrate my greatness!” ;)

  16. Sue says:

    Hmmm … I am sexy and I know it:))

  17. yeah… this is how I roll… when I walk in the spot… everybody stops and they staring at me…((:

    Thanks for the afternoon cheer. I needed it!

  18. Misschief says:

    CeeBee is a classic narcissist.

    …jealous bullsh*t…like the sound of my own voice… I am proud….plenty of admirers….there is no way I would be single… I can’t stand to be tied down…

  19. abdul hashim says:

    Dear yangki,
    Thanks a lot for the supernice post. It exactly fits the narcist men and women into their unique character. It doesnt matter whoever feels bad or ugly reading the post. But the truth is that it makes us aware of certain characters like this which we would have never known. Thanks

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