OMG! Read This If Your Ex Has Not Contacted You!

waiting-for-ex-to-callHas it been 3 days since your ex contacted you? That’s not good. This means it’s over for good. I don’t think he/she will ever contact you again. He/she has moved on. May be he/she’s playing hard to get. Nah, he/she met someone else and is ignoring you. I don’t think he/she even loved you at all. All this time he/she has been playing you. How could you have been such a fool?

Sounds familiar?

If it does, that’s because that’s how out of control emotions look like. That’s how someone experiencing emotional overload thinks. That’s how needy and clingy people react to uncertainty.

A day without a text or phone call from your ex and you begin to wonder what is happening. One more day and you begin to really get worried. Day three, still no text or call. Now you are in panic mode. Help! The sky is falling.

Then you get a text or a call back, and O.M.G! All is well in the world again.

But why does your ex do this to you?

I hate to be the one to tell you this. Your ex is not doing anything to you. It’s all YOU. You are doing this to yourself.

I can already hear angry growls. How can you even say that? There she goes again, blaming the victim, and excusing the behaviour of the insensitive and abusive.

I agree that some people are insensitive, but what are you going to do about it? Teach them to be sensitive? I also agree that there are men and women who are abusive. But this is not about abuse. Sorry, people who call abuse on everything, not every unpleasant situation is emotional abuse.

Why does someone not texting or calling when you expect them to, worry and upset you so much?

Because it triggers feelings related to rejection, abandonment, loneliness, disrespect, etc.

Many of us when we feel worried or upset about what we think someone else is doing to us, do not look within. Some of us are not even sincere with how we truly feel. On the surface we’re like, “I’m okay with it”, “Well, I can’t control what others do” or “I expected it, he/she always doesn’t respond in time” but inside, our thoughts are running a million words per minute, we feel nauseated and are unable to concentrate on anything else.

Even the self-talk and meditation exercises don’t help because internally you are not only conflicted, your thoughts and emotions are out of control. You are thinking all kinds of thoughts and imagining all kinds of scenarios, including the possibility that your ex is dead, that’s why he/she hasn’t responded.

If you find yourself in panic or on the verge of a meltdown because your ex has not responded to your text or call at the time you expected, the first place you should go to is inside.

It’s true what they say, “You can’t change that which you don’t acknowledge”.

Looking within and being really honest with ourselves about how we truly feel is the first step to emotional self-control. The first step to reclaiming your power over how other people’s actions affect you. The first step to stopping yourself from acting on overwhelming emotions. The first step to not being needy and clingy.

Going there — inside — is not always easy because sub-consciously, we know that there is a lot of “stuff” in there that we’ve denied and suppressed for so long. We’ll do anything — deny, lie and act like everything is fine — than have to deal with our “stuff”.

Some of us make a phony attempt to “work on ourselves”. We learn all the right words, and talk the talk of someone who has “worked on him/herself”, but all it takes is a delayed text, un-returned call or unexpected move by our ex, to expose our faux “self work”.

Until you are really able to honestly look inside and admit to the truth of what is happening, others’ words or actions will always send you in a panic, cause you to think the worst, to over analyze your ex’s every word or action, to worry unnecessarily, to live in denial or delusion, to see what’s not there and hear what you want to hear. You’ll have a hard time trusting your intuition or staying emotionally grounded without external input (always asking other’s “what do I do?”)

The worst part of all this is that refusing to honestly look inside and be honest with yourself about what is happening has consequences, not only to yourself but on your relationships as well.

I’ve seen men and women lose someone they love because they were not honest with themselves. I’ve also seen people fail to get their ex back, not because their ex didn’t want them back but because of their panicky words and actions. Talk about self-sabotage.

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20 Comments

  • Yangki, I agree with your take on no contact. I am a Psyc. major and doing research on resilience, disengagement strategies and post-breakup emotional adjustment. Do you have articles specifically on secure attachment and anxious or avoidant styles?

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    • No, I do not have articles that focus specifically on attachment styles in relation to post-breakups. My upcoming book about dealing with break-up distress covers post break-up emotional resilience and adjustment quite extensively. The book will be available to the market February 14, 2017 (fingers crossed). For now, what you find here is all I have.

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  • Yangki, I think it’s too easy to react to a breakup out of anger or because you want your ex back instead of being rational about it and think about how your reactions are going to affect your ex. At least I have found this to be true for myself and with many of my friends and family. The ones that are usually rational about it insist on rational communication to preserve the relationship, which is something you consistently advocate. I am trying to take the rational approach and putting my emotions in check. It is not easy as I love her very much and want her back, but I know it is the right thing to do.

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    • You are absolutely right. When we react from emotion instead of responding to the experience, we act selfishly. We are only concerned about our well-being ignoring the fact that it takes two to make a relationship. Some of us come to regret our emotional reactions, others keep reacting from emotion and ruin every chance they might have had.

      You are also right that it is not easy. But if you keep asking yourself, how is what I am about to say/do going to affect the relationship (the ‘us’) as opposed to what is it in for me, you will do just fine. Long term though, you need to work on healthy emotional regulation. It’s possible to be in a place where emotional overreaction is not the first response to upsetting circumstances.

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