Question: I followed your advice and kept in touch with my ex. A couple of weeks ago we got back together but for only a few days. The same old pattern of drawing close then breaking up happened again. This time I was the one who broke up with her when I found out that she was going to LA to meet someone from her past. When I asked her about what she was going to do in LA, she told me she was going to LA with her girlfriend but that the guy just happens to be the manager of the hotel they’re staying in and they asked him for discount rooms. But that’s not what her friend told me.
I freaked out because he is better looking, confident, funny and women chase after him. I’m average and she has me wrapped around her finger. After her friend heard that we broke up she called me to tell me she made up the story about my ex and the other guy. As it happens my ex was telling the truth the whole time. We haven’t been in contact since the break up. Knowing her she won’t contact me first. I have always had to make the first move by calling her on the phone. I’m thinking this time, I’ll write a letter. Nothing sappy or depressing just a nice, upbeat and fun letter. I don’t want her to go to LA but I also don’t want to put too much pressure on her.
The love Doctor’s Answer: I’ll tell you what’s going to happen with the letter. You send her the letter, she’ll show a little resistance but after a few more contacts, you start communicating. You arrange to meet, have a few good days and break up again. It’s the same old pattern of drawing close then breaking up again.
It’s not just about changing the mode of communication (calling to letter, email to calling, calling to text, poetry to song etc). How you initiate contact is not the reason you break up and changing from phone to letter is not going to create a different outcome.
You have to change the dynamics of the relationship. Look at your whole relationship — especially those issues that surface again and again. What will be different/better this time round? Most people want to keep working on getting their ex back, unaware that the very things that they avoid are the ones keeping them from moving forward.
You probably won’t be able to stop her from going to LA, but you can start working on getting rid of that self-devaluing mentality. You don’t seem to love, let alone like yourself a whole lot. There is nothing less attractive to a woman than a man who lacks confidence in himself. And there is nothing that freaks most men out than competing for a woman with someone you don’t think you measure up to.
If you need time to do the work on your own, don’t just suddenly disappear (No Contact strategy) only to reappear with some cheesy line and expect her to take you back with open arms. It shows emotional immaturity!
Since you basically accused her of lying (and cheating), I’d advice that you send an email acknowledging your mistake. She also needs to know with some degree of certainty that it’s not going to happen again, and the only way she can begin to take you seriously is if you’re working to change what is causing the behaviour.
Nothing sappy or depressing just a straight and brief “I made a mistake” type email. If you think you can handle it by phone, give her a call. Words always sound more sincere when heard than read.
***Do you have a burning question you’d like to ask an experienced and insightful Dating & Relationships Coach? Here’s your chance. Go to ” Ask a Question” page above and ask away.
Related Articles
Does Your Ex Want You Back Or Are You Being Used?
Does Your Ex Want You Back or Are You Refusing To Accept Reality?
Self Destructing Ex Dumped You – How Do You Get Him Or Her Back?
Attract Back Your Ex – How To Handle The Moving Very Close And Needing Space
Originally posted 2010-01-21 13:50:37. Republished by Blog Post Promoter
![Your Ex May Not Be Trying To Be Difficult [Understanding Your Ex]](http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/wp-content/themes/magazine/cropper.php?src=/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/love-doctor_akiteng-303-150x150.jpg&h=50&w=50&zc=1&q=95)
I’m having a hard time understanding the mixed signals I’m getting from my ex. She dumped me and told me not to call her or contact her in any way. After just a week she called me saying she made a mistake and wants me back. We started to text each other regularly and then suddenly no replies from her. She replies once to 3 – 4 texts from me and is always positive and upbeat. I’m not entirely clear about what her intentions are. Is she testing me or is she just keeping the lines of communication open?
I don’t know if she’s testing you. Is she that kind of person? I do however think by not responding to your texts, she is not trying to keep the lines of communication open. My suggestion is send her one more text telling her if she’s serious about wanting to get back together, then she not only make an effort to respond to your texts but initiate contact as well, otherwise you don’t see where this is going. If she steps up, then you know she’s serious. But if she doesn’t, just move on or less you’ll be playing her game for months and still not get back together.
Thank you for writing this encouraging post. It gives me a glimmer of hope for my situation. I broke up with him 4 months ago for what now seems like a very silly reason. He begged me not to do it but I didn’t listen. But 4 months I’ve thought about him everyday. Everything around me reminds me of the great times we had together. I’ve toyed with the idea of reaching out to him and try to reopen the lines of communication but may be it is potentially over and he has moved on from me. I know from reliable sources that he’s not dating anyone in particular and has mentioned me on several occasions. They’ve also told me he still wears the watch I bought him, which I’m sure reminds him of me. Is 4 months too long to be away/start reopening the lines of communication?
There is only one way to find out. Initiate contact. Email or call him depending on what you’re comfortable doing. Just say you were wondering how he is doing and mention a little bit about positive things happening in your life. Then may be follow it with how when you were doing x or y, something about it reminded you of him. The “reminded me of you” sounds like a perfectly good reason for why you made contact after 4 months. But don’t say anything about missing him or all the “broken heart” sappy stuff. You may be dying to tell him how you still think of him every minute of everyday and remind him of all the great times you had together but you’re not even sure if he wants to hear all that stuff. So keep it to yourself — for now! Good luck!
I read this post yesterday and contacted my ex. We’ve had no contact since we broke up three weeks ago. She broke up with me. She didn’t want any contact because she believes exes can’t remain friends. For her it’s all or nothing. But I contacted her anyway. It was a simple text with hi, I was wondering how you’re doing. It’s been a while. Two hours later, she texted back saying she was surprised but happy to hear from me. But then said, she didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be in contact just yet. She said she is still thinking about how I hurt her and is not over it yet. I’m actually pleasantly surprised that she texted back. But now what?
Good for you…
I don’t know what you did to hurt her that bad, trying to make her talk won’t help things. Send her a reply saying you completely understand. You did hurt her badly and she has every right to feel the way she does. Then tell her you’ll be ready to talk when she’s ready. You’ll probably not get a response back, but that does not matter. The point is to keep the lines of communication open – and you still in the picture. Next you need a plan/strategy on how you’re going to proceed when she contacts you. The risk of things backfiring are higher when you work just on impulse alone.
I cannot thank you enough for your help. I called my ex and he answered the very first time. We chatted for 30 minutes and it was quite nice. We’re going out for lunch next weekend. I’m so beside myself with excitement. You truly know what you’re talking about, and actually care with great deal of compassion.
PS:I just bought dating your ex ebook and will follow the steps word for word
. Thank you so much!
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about five weeks ago. I want to open up lines of communication and try to get her back. What are the important steps to take to get an ex back? Thanks.
Getting your ex back is not impossible. It will be challenging, but if there is still some true love left, it is a good place to begin from.
Clcik on this link for 10 of the most important steps.