I agree with you 200%, on everything… What most people don’t …

Comment on 3 STRONG Reasons NOT To Do “NO CONTACT” by Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng.

I agree with you 200%, on everything…

What most people don’t realize is that the “No Contact Rule” is mostly a North American thing. I talk to people all over the world, and some people are really confused as to why an adult who wants a relationship with their ex cuts that same person off for 21, 30, 60 or 90 days.

I think it has a lot to do with how we each learned to respond or react when we do not get what we want, or are told “not now”.

Some people can easily take it in stride but others find it really hard to emotionally deal with rejection, perceived or real.

And many “experts” instead of helping people deal with rejection in a healthy and positive way, encourage them to react in a very unhealthy way. Truly sad!

All you have to do to see the damage of such advice is look at the quality of relationships in different parts of the world. Our North American relationships are really messed up…. it’s all about manipulation, power-struggles and me, I and myself. Very little focus, if any on “US” (you AND I).

Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng Also Commented

Thank you for your kind words. That’s the way I see dating/relationship too. Unfortunately not everyone has the same understanding of dating and/or relationships. Many take dating/relationships as trying to find someone to “make me happy ” and when that “happiness” is taken away, they lash out in all sorts of ways. The saddest part of all… these same emotional reactions to the end of a relationship creates a cycle of unhealthy attachments and relationships. It then makes sense to cut someone off… they’re not only disposable, they’re a painful reminder of the unhealthy attachment/relationship.

That’s a world away from “someone who has wonderful insight into who you are”.

Which is healthier…

1) Detaching to allow the other person space to be him/herself OR

2) Learning how to stay connected and still allow each other space to be yourselves?

I’d think the later because it’s about balance… independence and interdependence.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with a person who can’t balance connection and independence… and goes from one extreme (too much contact) to another (no contact at all), and then back again. I’d be weary of someone like that.

If you decide to cut me off, then be consistent… and stay cut off.

Sometimes it happens that you think you want to move on, and then realize that you don’t. He may be too upset to want anything to do with you, but it is also possible that he just fears rejection from you.

Try writing him a heart-felt email telling him you were trying to move on and didn’t handle it the right way. Make it clear that you are not trying to justify your actions, but that you want him to know you are sorry. Don’t ask him to give the relationship another chance or tell him how much you love him. One, he’s not open to hearing it, and 2) it’ll look like that’s the only reason you are “apologizing”. There are no guarantees that he’ll respond, or that if he responds it’ll be the response you hope for. The email is just you trying to reach out to him as open and vulnerable as you can be — without coming across as begging to be taken back.

Recent Comments by Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

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You mean “like” and “FAN” are not the same thing? Silly me. I should have taken English Major. I might have been somebody important or rich. I hope it’s not too late.

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Most of the time, it’s something you learn early in life. Cold and self centered kind of becomes your “default” traits. Some people continue it into adulthood because it’s either the only way they know how to or there is some sort of “reward” for them being cold and self centered (why would they want to change?).

Since it’s something that was learned – whatever can be learned can be unlearned. The only exception – at least from what I read – is if something happened to your brain to cause you not to be able to have/experience certain feelings the way the rest of us do, then you need more than just “unlearning” the behaviour. Other than that, if you really want to change, you CAN CHANGE!

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You will be just fine… I know it. All the very best.

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This could be because you still want her as your girlfriend and not as a friend. Until you reach that point where you “let go” hoping there will be a relationship of more than friends, it’ll be hard to get to being friends. Best advice is 1) be honest with your ex, friendship may be possible in the future, but right now you just can’t do it and 2) don’t try too hard to be her friend. Friendships are best when they just happen naturally.

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First of all, very few exes end a relationship saying: ‘I am breaking up with you but I am sure I will change my mind and want you back’. Very few.

Over 90% honestly believe that it is over and thy are not changing their minds. Most change their minds because the dynamic changed and they can see the relationship can be better.

What I am saying is, as long as the lines of communication are still open, there is always a possibility he’ll change his mind. It is who you become (new you) and what you do to make the relationship FEEL and BE new and better that makes all the difference.

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