Wednesday October 22nd 2014

How Do I Get Back An Ex Who Wants Space?

Question: My girlfriend broke with me a month ago. We had some bitter disagreement and she said she wanted a break “to think” because she was too stressed. I told her we both needed a break. After waiting a month I contacted her. She says she still loves me and that there is a good chance that we will get back together but she does not want to get back together just yet. She says she’s still confused and unsure and wants more time. I told her I wasn’t going to hang around waiting for her to make up her mind. She seemed sad to hear that and said she doesn’t want to lose me, but she understands. Part of me wants to believe that she really loves me and wants me back but the other part fears putting my heart and investing more of my emotions, time and effort only to end up being rejected again. Either she wants to be with me or she doesn’t. Should I just let go, move on with my life?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: The only person who can make the decision as to whether to believe her and hope or cut your loses now and move on is you. It’s your heart and your life!

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll tell you what I think and believe but ultimately you’ll have to weigh it against what you know is right for you.

If what you truly want is to be with her, and you believe in your heart that there is even just the slightest chance of you two getting back together, then why not do everything in your power to get what you want?

True, there is a possibility that you may be rejected again down the road but there is also the possibility that you won’t. You won’t know anything for sure unless you give yourselves a chance to try to make this work. The saddest part would be living with the regret for the rest of your life, not knowing if it ever would have worked out.

Where there is still love, anything is possible.

Give her time to sort whatever she needs to. When she comes back to you, it’ll be because she’s thought it through and decided it’s what she wants not because you pressured her in to it. Showing understanding trumps undue pressure everytime.

Giving her time however doesn’t mean you “hang around waiting”. Do something worthwhile with your life but keep the option that she may come back into your life open.

If she’s open to keeping in touch, use that time and space to build a better and stronger relationship instead of rushing to get back together only to break up again. Show her how things can and will be different and better. This will more likely convince her to come back to you sooner than applying pressure on her to come back.

You might also want to look at my article: Just Because Someone Says They Need Space Doesn’t Always Mean The Relationship Is Over

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

4 Responses to “How Do I Get Back An Ex Who Wants Space?”

  1. Chris871 says:

    We broke up over 3 months ago. She said she wanted some space to get in touch with herself because she’d lost that when we were in the relationship. I’m giving her her space. I don’t call her and haven’t asked her why she hasn’t contacted me. But I’m worried because I hear from mutual friends that she’s happy and having a great time without me. Should I continue to give her space or contact her? I don’t want her to forget me but I don’t want her to see me as needy and clingy either?

  2. The decision to keep your distance or contact her is really up to you.

    I know for sure that keeping yourself away from her doesn’t say “I’m no longer clingy and needy”, it just says exactly what you’re doing, and that is “I’m keeping my distance.” She may have decided “just as well” and has decided that what you do doesn’t determine her happiness. Does that mean she’ll forget about you? I don’t know. There is that possibility if she will get comfortable with not having you around and actually find that she loves her new life without you.

    Keeping yourself “relevant” and in the picture while you work on your clinginess and needy behaviours gives you a better chance. She’s more likely to believe that you’re changing if she can see it for herself than for you to disappear and reappear claiming to be a different person. Hard sell!

  3. Pebble says:

    My ex is still very angry with me even though we’ve been broken up for a year now. She sent me a very angry email accusing me of being more interested in her life because I had nothing going on for me. She wants to be left alone. All I did was ask her best friend if she was dating again. She dated a guy soon after we broke up, I told her it was a rebound and she accused me of being jealous. They broke up 3 months later. Same thing with the guy after that. I’m really concerned about her. I want to help her but don’t know how.

  4. I don’t like taking sides in a relationship I know very little about… but she’s right on this one. You seem more interested in your ex’s love life more than she’s interested in you. If you are sincere about wanting to help…. leave her alone. That’s what she wants.

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