Sunday July 5th 2015

Why Does My Ex Text When I Stop Texting Her?

toronto_akiteng-1225Question: My ex dumped me almost a year to the day, but we continued to be friends. Two weeks ago, she stopped responding to my texts. I called her and she called back 2 days later. I asked if we were okay and she said we were okay. But when I texted her later she did not respond. I sent another text the next day and no response. I assumed she didn’t want me to contact her anymore. She had said before that she could not imagine a life without me, so I was both surprised and hurt that she just stopped communicating without explanation.

Three weeks ago she sent me a text me out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say to her so I just sent a polite response. She texted me constantly for about two weeks and all I could do was be polite and text back. Last night, she texted me saying she made a mistake contacting me and that she was very sorry for having bothered me and that she’d not be bothering me anymore.

I know I should have been a little bit enthusiatic in my texts but I just wasn’t sure what she wanted, or why she contacted me after not responding to my texts. I also didn’t want to ask her because I didn’t want her to think I was angry with her (I was for a while but got over it). She’s done this before and I don’t know what to make of it. What do you think she expected and where did I go wrong? Should I contact her and ask her what’s going on?

The Love Doctor’s Answer: I can’t say with any certainty what she expected. May be she expected you to be excited that she reached out to you, or may be she expected you to be angry and not text back. I don’t know. Frankly, I do not think you should worry too much about what her expectations were/are. If someone can’t act like an adult, you’re probably better off without her in your life.

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Acting cautiously was the best you could have done under the circumstances.

Whether to contact her not is really your call. If you decide to contact her and she does respond (she might not, so don’t be too disappointed), you’ll do yourself a lot of good bringing everything out in the open and let the cards fall where they fall. You really have nothing to lose at this point.

I don’t know what caused your breakup, but being firm, assertive, positive and forward looking will let her know what if she wants to be in your life, she can’t go on with the “drama”. You’d rather move on with your life without her than be caught up in situations that leave you wondering what’s going on.

I really do hope you can deal with this once and for all and move forward — whichever direction. Best!

Readers' Questions and The Love Doctor's Answers...

13 Responses to “Why Does My Ex Text When I Stop Texting Her?”

  1. Mosso says:

    Okay after 2.5 months of no contact, I contact her and no reply. I tried to call her and she has changed her mob number! I think I lost her, is time now to forget it and move on?

  2. It’s not my place to tell you what to do with your life… the questions is what other options do you have? She changed her mobile number and didn’t tell you… seems to me that’s an answer in it’s own right.

  3. Mandy says:

    My ex said he didn’t want me to contact him and wanted me to leave him alone. But just one month later he contacts me via text. I told him I was surprised to hear from him. He said he missed me and has been thinking about me. We talked every day for a week, and decided to meet up. The first date went great. We laughed and talked like in the old days. He texted me to wish me good night. I replied that I had an amazing time and would like to go out again. He didn’t reply and I haven’t heard from him since, today will be day 4. I’m confused, do I contact him and ask him what’s going on or wait for him t contact me?

  4. He probably got scared when you said you wanted to go out again immediately after a date. Give him a week, and if you still haven’t heard from him, contact him to find out what’s going on. If he still doesn’t reply, then you know he has no intentions of pursing things further.

  5. Mike says:

    It is really frustrating when you meet someone you think you connect with, everything is going fine, and then she stops responding. I’m going through it right now with a woman I’ve been seeing for 3 months. No texts, no emails, no call backs. Nothing!

    Wouldn’t it just be polite to tell someone you’re not interested than leave them wondering what they’ve done wrong?

  6. I agree with you. It shows respect to at least let the other person know what’s going on.

    May be she realized she’s not into you, may be things were going too fast for her, may be she didn’t feel that the relationship met her needs, may be it has nothing to do with you (e.g. she’s dealing with some difficult situation she can’t share with you because you were together for only 3 months). It could be anything.

    She may contact you at some point, if and when she does, ask her what happened. Don’t just ignore her. Hear her out, see if she makes sense, and deal with things based on how you feel at the time. If anything, it’ll give you the “closure” you need.

    If you decide you want to try it again, make it clear to her that next time she pulls another one, it’s over for good.

    Respect is earned, but sometimes you have to ask for it.

  7. Mike says:

    Sounds reasonable. Thanks.

  8. silverdust says:

    She has always been bad about keeping in touch but specifically told me that she appreciates that I continue to make the effort because she values my friendship. Just wondering how much effort I should continue putting into keeping the friendship.

  9. There are limits to how much effort anyone can put into maintaining a friendship. Just saying “I value your friendship” when one is not doing anything to stalk the fires that keep a friendship alive means nothing.

    My advice is always SPEAK UP, sometimes people don’t even realize they’re “hurting you” and if you don’t speak up, you can assume they’re intentionally doing what they’re doing. If she really values you as a friend she’ll understand how you feel and make effort to be a friend.

  10. Drew says:

    I’ve used NC and it worked the first time. She came back after 5 weeks apart. It was great for 4 months them she broke up with me again. I completely pulled away, and after a couple of weeks she called. I didn’t return the call and two days later she called again. After two more calls I finally took the call. She asked me why I wasn’t returning her calls and I said that it seemed like she wasn’t interested and I was moving on. She was upset and told me she cared about me very much. We talked for about 23 minutes and I told her I had to go. I have not heard from her again and it’s like 2 months. Any advice?

  11. My advice… Grow up and stop playing mind games.

    Engaging and pulling away — as in no contact then contact, then pulling away, then contact, then not returning calls etc — is destructive for any relationship.

    One of you has to step up and be the adult, if not, it’s going to be like this until the feeling of love and liking is completely gone — for good!

  12. Krista says:

    I sent him a text “Hey there. Have you seen this? Hilarious!” he never replied. I sent him one two days later “If you do not want to talk to me, I’ll understand”, he replied within five minutes “THANK YOU”. I told him I still loved him and want him back but he never responded. What do you think he meant by “THANK YOU”. I don’t know if I should send him another ext after 2 weeks, and what should I say?

  13. His “Thank you” is a response to your “If you do not want to talk to me, I’ll understand”.

    He’s thanking you for understanding that he DOES NOT want to talk to you.

Please read our Blog Policy before asking your question or leaving a comment. Thanks, I appreciate YOU!!