My Ex Says It’s Over Am I In Denial?

my-ex-says-it-is-over-am-i-in-denialQuestion: She felt unhappy in the relationship and needed to find her own happiness. A month ago I contacted her and tried to convince her that we can make it work. She now says that we’re not right for each other  and there is thing for her that is just not going away. She says she’ll miss me, but she also knows that she needs to finally listen to her own heart and more than she listens to me. She also says we can be friends but if I keep bringing up getting back together, she might end up hating me. I don’t even know if she really knows what she wants. I know that women want a man who does not give up. Am I in denial wanting her back or is there a chance that she might change her mind?

Yangki’s Answer: This is a really tough one especially because I’m a strong advocate of “do everything possible to make it work before you decide the relationship is really over.” But I fully understand and appreciate where she’s coming from. She has every right to want to be happy. I don’t think it’s selfish at all.

There are many instances when as ex changes her (or his) mind even after saying they think it’s best if each went their own way. It’s however a lot harder for someone to change her mind if deep down inside she’s convinced that you just don’t fit the bill for what she wants in a partner. And you may be right that she doesn’t know what she wants, and there may be other things going on in her life that you are not seeing or she is not allowing you to see, but she’s made it clear she knows who she doesn’t want to be with right now.

My advice is for you to listen to her and give her the space she wants. You can’t force her back into a relationship with you. And while there is some truth to women (and men) finding someone who does not easily give up appealing, that’s only if they want you not to give up. This woman obviously wants you to give up and sitting in limbo hoping she changes her mind keeps you hanging in anxiety. And the more time passes the more anxious you’ll get.

Take the hint and move on. No need to act like you don’t care or like you now hate her or cut off all contact (unless you really feel it’s the only way you can get over her and move on). May be in the future when she’s found her own happiness – and if you’re still single – something can happen. But for now take care of yourself.

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19 Comments

  • I got as far as contact her after 90 days. She wrote back saying she is in a relationship and does not want me to contact her. For her it was over when we broke up. I can’t completely say it is net loss, I got to improve myself and now just have to find someone to SHOW it to.

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    • I’m sorry things did not go as you planned it. But you are right, it isn’t a complete loss.

      “No contact” worked EXACTLY the way it is meant to. You used it to heal and improve yourself for the NEXT relationship.

      All the very best — in your NEXT relationship!

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  • I had it all figured out. No contact for 60 days, no text, Facebook, whatever. Completely drop off the face of the Earth. Spend this time improving myself considerably AND be perfectly happy on MY own, and not NEED her. Then after 60 days contact her and ask her to have coffee or a walk in the park (she likes that); something light hearted and very casual. Have fun and stay in the moments, not mention the old relationship. Go on a few more dates and SHOW her I have changed. Let things progress.

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  • Yangki, my ex and I broke up in Feb and after reading your book and a lot of hard work we got back together in August. Two months later though I found it hard to deal with my paranoia and trust issues and he broke up with me again. I’m heartbroken – it’s happened again because of my crazy behaviour! He told me not to contact him again. Do you have advice or should I just leave it now?

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    • If he doesn’t want contact, there is not much you can DO.

      Use the time that he wants no contact to really work on yourself this time. If at some point you feel like contacting him, reach out to him. You should only do this when you know that you have worked on your issues. I strongly recommend working with a professional. Most people do it on their own and think that they have gotten rid of the crazy behaviour, only for it to show up again once they get into a relationship.

      If he gives you another chance again, he may not be so open next time.

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  • This happened to me three months ago. I gave her space but remained friendly, sending her an email here and a joke there. Sometimes I got a response and sometimes nothing. When her dad was in hospital I visited with him and she said she saw how much I cared. So three months of this and four nights ago I got a call asking me if we could meet up. I don’t know what this means, this is why I’m searching the internet for how I should handle this.

    My advice is give her space but don’t act like you don’t care.

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