Should You Be Concerned That Your Ex Is Pulling Away?

a-bad-sign-for-your-chances-with-your-exQuestion: Yangki, I have been reading your site for the past couple of weeks. As you can tell, I obviously still want my ex back. We had a wonderful relationship but I started to get jealous and needy and he pulled back, which made me even more needy and clingy leading to him breaking up with me. It’s been 5 months since we broke up. Our conversations are mostly light and friendly. But I feel like he is pulling farther away from me. My question is, should I be concerned that he is pulling farther away, or is this normal? My second question is, in your experience is there a certain time after which no matter what you do, you have no chance?

Yangki’s Answer: To answer your first question, yes, you should be concerned that he is pulling farther away from you. In most relationships, there is a pull-push dynamic, but if the there is more pulling away than moving towards, or if the pulling away happens too frequently, it’s usually not a good sign.

On your second question: It’s hard to put a timeline on how long it takes to get your ex back. There are so many factors at play e.g.

1. the emotional state of both parties;

2. other things unrelated to the relationship going on one or both people’s lives (e.g. job search, relocation, illness etc);

3. the confidence level of the person trying to get the other back. Most people operating from a place of fear, e.g. I don’t want to scare him/her away, or I don’t want to come across as needy etc, usually take much longer to get their ex back. The majority never get their ex back.

While the first three months after a break-up are the most crucial in terms of your chances of getting your ex back, hurrying back to get your ex often does not work. In cases where it does work, the relationship usually doesn’t last because you are continuing from where the old relationship ended. This is when you get the on-and-off-again type scenarios.

What I’ve noticed is that if you’ve been actively trying to get your ex back for 6 plus months and there is no progress, the chances of you getting back together are dramatically reduced. It doesn’t mean you can never get your ex back, it just means it’s a lot harder as more time passes.

The reason why there is no progress is usually because of the things mentioned above, and:

1. lack of focus — trying this approach and that approach, and not having the patience to see things through;

2. doing the same things that have not worked, and expecting a different result;

3.doing things that create more emotional distance and cause more irreparable damage to the relationship.

It’d be interesting to talk to you to find out exactly what you have been doing (or are not doing) to get him back, and if somehow some of the things you’ve been doing (or not doing) are causing him to pull farther away.

As I mentioned above, not doing anything to move things forward is just as bad as doing the wrong things. Most people who fear that by taking action they’ll scare off their ex, push him/her away, or fear coming across as needy almost always end up with exactly what they fear will happen.

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VanillaC

My ex-boyfriend and I ended a 3 year relationship two weeks ago. I have sent him a text every now and then, and he responds but I feel like he isn’t interested in talking to me. His responses are polite but because he does not ask me about me I feel like he doesn’t really want to talk to me.

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Marks

Yangki, I need your help. My ex broke up with me after 5 years together. Her reason was that we are growing apart because I’m not as driven as she is. I earn a good living but I can certainly do better. I just haven’t been motivated to do more. I have talked to friends about it and they all say she’s not worth it. My family and close friends don’t understand why I still want to work things out. I love this woman very much and want her in my life. Please help me.

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imadedat

The love of my life broke up with me two weeks ago because he was tired arguing. I begged and cried for him to reconsider but he said he is so emotionally drained and doesn’t want to put any more effort in. Is it over?

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Rubi

My ex broke it off because he could not deal with a long distance relationship. I had to move to another state due to work, and although we saw each other twice a month, it wasn’t enough for him. Last month I relocated back to the state he is in. When I told him of the move beforehand, he said “We don’t know what the future holds.” But since moving back he hasn’t made an effort to contact me or ask to see me. The only text I got from him was on the night I arrived basically asking how I was and said he’d be in touch. What do you think is going on? Is he trying to avoid me? If so, then why would he say, “We don’t know what the future holds.” I’m confused. Please help.

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Semiota

My ex says he loves me but does not want a relationship “right now”. I don’t know if I should stay the course a little while longer or step back a little until he is ready. What do you think?

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