Question: My ex and I are back together but we’re still fighting. It was my idea to get back together, he agreed to work with me to create a better relationship than we had before. But since getting back together, he is not holding up his part of the deal. So far I’m initiating all the contacts and arranging all the dates. He does not answer my calls or emails for days and when he calls, he makes me feel like crap for calling him. Some of our times together are great, he’s very loving and romantic calling me his “lovely bride” but most of the time he is cold and says things he knows hurt my self-esteem. I told him the things he says hurt me and the verbal abuse has calmed down somewhat. He is the only man I’ve ever loved and has ever loved me. I so badly want to make this work. What do you think, can I make it work and how?
The Love Doctor’s Answer: I am sure your ex is very special, but I also think you need to re-examine your views on love and relationships because if “love” is getting you all messed up and constantly feeling like crap, then there is something very toxic about that love. And as much as I’m a strong advocate of it’s not over until it’s over, I seriously advice you to leave this guy. Him putting you down, resisting you and playing warm and cold with you and you getting your high from pursuing him, trying to make him love you and constantly feeling strung because you don’t know whether today he’ll be warm or cold, is not healthy.
End this toxicity now because it won’t get better. It’ll just get worse and when it does one of you will either hurt the other very badly or drive the other to depression. Next, find a local counsellor/therapist in your area and work on why it’s okay for you that someone treats you the way this guy treats you (and you feel like you’re being loved).
Since you seem to care so much about him, tell him he too needs to seek help. But work on your issues separately as this does not seem to be a dynamic exclusive to this relationship but most likely a toxic pattern each of you has had in past relationships too. It’s highly possible that this is what attracted you to each other in the first place.
If after working on yourself and you still have a strong attraction to him, then you can try to get back together. My experience with these types of toxic relationships is that when one person gets serious about becoming “emotionally healthier” and the other doesn’t, the healthier person will lose the attraction. The pull of the toxicity just isn’t there any more. But if both individuals work on becoming emotionally healthier, the new healthy relationship is so much more rewarding than anything they experienced before.
I don’t see any other way this will work the way you want it (healthy relationship). You have to bite the bullet (so to speak) and do what’s healthy and not what “works”. Toxic relationships work too — in a toxic/destructive way.
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I told my ex that I did not want us to fight any more and he said ok. I also told him it’d be better for us to start afresh, go out on dates, hang out together etc. and he said what ever I am happy with that is what we will do. I’m I wasting my time here?
Those are not responses from someone who is fully engaged. He’s agreeing to anything-whatever to avoid making any commitment to the two of you getting back together. With these responses, he can easily turn around in the future and say “you’re the one who said x, y…” 1) stop asking leading questions that get you the response he thinks you want to hear and 2) engage him more by asking him what the two of you should do – together — to improve the relationship/current status. If he is still just as passive, then you might be wasting your time.
I asked my ex if he still loves me and he said he didn’t know and didn’t want to talk about it. I asked him what he means by he didn’t know and he just said he didn’t want to talk about it and hang up. I called him three times but he did not pick up the phone. Yesterday afternoon I called him again and this time he picked up the phone. He said if I didn’t force things to happen we might get back together in the future. I don’t want to put my life on hold only for him to later tell me he does not want to get back together. Should I wait or would it be better to just stop talking to him?
There is no reason to stop talking to him when he obviously wants to stay in contact. Trying to force him to say he still loves you either by pushing or by cutting off all contact as you may have found out won’t help anything. If he says there is a chance you might get back together then give yourselves a chance to see where things go. Your life can only be put on hold if you’ve built your life around him (what he decides to do with it). Please read my post: Dating Your Ex – #1 Setback
Last month my ex said he still in loves me, wants to be with me etc and like the fool I am I fell for it again. Now he is ignoring me again. This happens all the time. When I ignore him that’s when I hear from him, he is always texting, emailing and calling me. But as soon as we get back together he ignores me again. I’m tired of this s**t, how can I get him to stop?
By getting yourself to stop. Both of you are playing a toxic game that has no end. The only way to break the toxicity is for one person to stop playing, the other will have no “partner” to play with.