Question: I read your posts “ Is It Me Or is My Ex Emotionally Unavailable?” and I have a few questions.
How do you know it’s about you and how do you know you are with an unavailable partner?
I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years. We were happy for the first 2 months, after that I was unhappy. This is where I made a mistake, I started complaining instead of explaining to him why I was unhappy with the relationship and he pulled away. He was unhappy and I was unhappy, so I ended the relationship. I want him back but he says although he still loves me, I need to be happy with myself first. He refuses to take responsibility for not trying to do things to make me happy.
I have posted my situation in other blogs and all the answers are that he is Mr. Unavailable and I should just move on. But despite our problems, I love him very much. How do I know if it’s me or he is Mr. Unavailable?
Yangki’s Answer: I think you are asking the right questions. It makes us all feel good that the problem is not with us but with the other person. Women especially are quick to brand a man “Mr. Unavailable” when he does not “love us” the way we expect him to or commit when we want him to.
Whether it’s about your own issues or you choosing the “wrong” partners, the common denominator is always you. And since YOU, is all you can change or improve, you is all you can work with.
That said, it’s true that someone can be unhappy in the relationship because they are not in the “right” relationship, things are not working in the relationship or there are some irreconcilable differences (incompatibility issues). But quite often men and women are unhappy not because of the relationship, but because they are unhappy with themselves. The other person is the easiest target to blame for their unhappiness. Some people even blame friends, family, job, financial situation etc for their unhappiness.
Since you are one of the few willing to really look in the mirror, here is one simple way you can tell if it’s your own issues or if you with an unavailable partner. If soon after a break-up you were devastated but then a few weeks or months later, you are reasonably happy (or happier), well-adjusted and/or are in a relationship that you feel happy being in, then you were in a relationship or with a partner that wasn’t right for you.
If on the other hand, you stay unhappy (bitter, resentful, angry, cynical, negative, still saying nasty things about your ex, blame and hate men/women etc) months or years after a break-up, or if you get into another relationship and you are still unhappy, your unhappiness in the relationship wasn’t about your ex or the relationship. You were unhappy with yourself even before you met your ex — and are still unhappy after. Your unhappiness has nothing to do with the partners you choose — it’s all you!
There is no perfect relationship or partner. If one or both of you are unhappy because things are not working as you both want them to, talk about it and see if you can work it out before just throwing that relationship away for a new one. Sometimes even Mr. So-Called-Unavailable can suddenly become “available” if you know what you are doing… Think of the so many once Mr. So-Called-Unavailable who are now happily married… some woman must have done something “right”!
I think you’ll find some of my website articles on Commitment /Fear Of Commitment helpful.
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